It’s Election Day. We can get through this. It might require a comic amount of alcohol, but we can get through this.

It’s time. Please vote.  Continue reading “It’s Election Day. We can get through this. It might require a comic amount of alcohol, but we can get through this.”

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Sweatily ever after

Bachelor in Paradise
September 5, 2016

Finally, amigos. Finally. It’s time to fumigate the Palapa de Rejection for Zika and social diseases, and so our rejects must pair up and vete. And not a moment too soon for my liver and my sense of dignity.

Continue reading “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Sweatily ever after”

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Things fall apart

Bachelor in Paradise
August 29, 2016

Before we get started on this recap that felt like it took me 96 hours to write, because maybe it did, I passed out somewhere in the middle and I can’t be entirely sure, we have to address the big news out of infuriatingly-so-called “Bachelor Nation” this week: Nick Viall is going to be the Bachelor for next season: The Bachelor: Some Folks Never Learn. Continue reading “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Things fall apart”

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Please do not take romantic advice from murder parrots.

Bachelor in Paradise
August 15, 2016

Last we left him, Boner had been unceremoniously dumped by Carly. Driven to insanity desperation, he drafted a fake date card for himself and Token Single Mom, who up to this point had been attached to Josh by the tonsils following their date. This is not a plan! This is madness! Continue reading “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Please do not take romantic advice from murder parrots.”

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Single white dummies

Bachelor in Paradise
August 8, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise ended its first episode with a big cliffhanger: would “Hurricane Chad” just take his lunch meats and go, or would he attack the robe-wearing, mimosa-drinking Chris Harrison on his way out? DRAMA!

Continue reading “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Single white dummies”

‘The Bachelorette’: Andi chooses brawn over “brains”

The Bachelorette
“The Finale/After the Final Rose”
July 28, 2014

Continue reading “‘The Bachelorette’: Andi chooses brawn over “brains””

‘The Bachelorette’: Beating a dead horse

The Bachelorette
July 14, 2014

Continue reading “‘The Bachelorette’: Beating a dead horse”

‘The Bachelorette’: Oh, I’ll give you something to cry about

The Bachelorette
July 7, 2014

Continue reading “‘The Bachelorette’: Oh, I’ll give you something to cry about”

‘The Bachelorette:’ Ghent out

The Bachelorette
June 30, 2014

Continue reading “‘The Bachelorette:’ Ghent out”