‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: On the road again

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Pack Your Baggage”
July 29, 2012

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‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Taking care of business

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Sit Down and Man Up”
July 22, 2012

BORING STUFF OUT OF THE WAY FIRST: Caroline and Lauren look at The Chateau’s space as a potential location for the hilariously and terribly named Caface. Seems The Chateau has been a victim of our tough economic times — everyone is struggling to make mortgage payments on their 12,000 sq. ft. Tuscanish McMansions leaving little room in the budget for French tips and eyebrow waxings, and thus The Chateau has closed their spa doors for the last time. Lauren is thrilled at the prospect of using the space seeing as her previous business venture failed at The Chateau for reasons misteriose, and this would be revenge, or something. I’m not sure how, exactly. Caroline is more circumspect, and makes a bunch of sad faces because she has a lot of memories of The Chateau, all of which have to do with Dina, if the flashback montage is to be believed.

And because we are supposed to care about Lauren’s business venture/take Lauren seriously as a Businesslady, we also get to sit through a lunch wherein she and Jacqueline (who dedicated fans of the series will recall used to be a cosmologist back in her pre-Laurita days) meet with some people who make cosmetics. The only things worth really mentioning from the lunch is: 1. Jacqueline orders a “Screaming Orgasm” which is absolutely an appropriate cocktail to order whilst on a business lunch, and not Jacqueline just trying to do something outrageous and worthy of broadcasting, 2. Jacqueline yammers on and on and on about vajazzling which should make Jennifer Love Hewitt proud and again is very appropriate to discuss over  a business lunch and not just Jacqueline just trying to do something outrageous and worthy of broadcasting and 3. Lauren refers to Jacqueline’s lady bits as a “Chuckie.” FUN FACT: I literally had to put the closed captioning on and rewind that bit because I had no idea what Lauren was saying. “Chokey?” “Juggy?” Nope! “Chuckie.” You’re welcome.

Speaking of inappropriate cocktails and business meetings, to expand her empire, Teresa has decided to shamelessly rip off Bethenny Frankel and come up with her own alcoholic drink. This, rather than creating something that would actually make sense with what she’s already created, her cookbooks, like, oh, I don’t know, a line of pastas or pasta sauces. But hey! Bethenny Frankel supposedly raked in somewhere around $100 million for Skinnygirl, so quick! What’s an Italian version of margaritas? There isn’t one? How about a Negroni? They’re disgusting? How about a Cardinale? Wait, that’s just basically a Negroni and also very disgusting? Oh, jeez, I don’t know, how about we fill some cheap sparkling wine with some peach-flavored syrup, call it a “Bellini,” insult Skinnygirl in the event we are accused of stealing the idea and be done with it.

But it’s not that simple, we have to pretend that Teresa actually has something to do with this product besides just slapping her name on it and calling it a day. To this end, she and Meatball drive to some vineyard for a pretend tasting which leads to Meatball becoming not pretend drunk. It’s a good thing the vineyard arranged for transportation back home, passive aggressives the wine lady.

And I don’t even want to talk about how Meatball mentions that he found his missing wallet in a “friend’s” car and that it is very clear that it is a lady “friend” even if he doesn’t admit as much and how I don’t even understand how Meatball can persuade Teresa to roll around in his sauce (gross, sorry) much less some other lady or ladies nor do I want to talk about how Meatball berates Teresa’s driving which is big talk from someone whose driver’s license has been revoked for meatball shenanigans, but these things happened and I would not be doing my job if I didn’t mention them but now I have so we can move on.

Teresa also has another book signing at a bakery, to which she drags Meatball. And to where he promptly goes to the kitchen to get his wine on. In a taped interview, Caroline Manzo basically calls Meatball an alcoholic on account of being married to Teresa; suggests that Meatball will be going away, somewhere, soon — although it was unclear where she meant, meatball jail? meatball rehab? incerto; and announces that once Meatball goes where ever it is a meatball goes, Teresa will leave him and declare herself a strong example for her daughters. Ooh, gurrl. Put her in the dragulator already, because Caroline Manzo is throwing some serious shade.

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ANYWAY. THE BOOK SIGNING. The Goldblum Jr.’s arrive to support Teresa at the book signing, which, good for them. But then Kathy, in a sugar-sweet voice, begins cooing over some of the recipes as being her madre’s. “Ooh! It’s my madre’s pizzelles! My madre’s cannolis!” Teresa, she is not amused. Kathy then asks if Teresa is planning on writing a baking cookbook next, and Teresa snaps that everyone is watching their weight these days, so no one wants a straight-up dessert cookbook.

But Kathy’s pretty sure people still want to eat desserts, and thus she plans a public dessert tasting so as to solicit feedback/do something, anything to get on camera. The Goldblum Jr. kids make some terrible posterboard signs that I guess they plan on waving around on the corners despite being completely illegible, and Kathy explains how she named her desserts after her famiglia, including the Jeff Goldblum, Jr. which is a cannoli, which NO. GROSS. STOP BEING GROSS. I DO NOT WANT TO EAT YOUR HUSBAND’S CANNOLI.

Jeff Goldblum, Jr. introduces Kathy to some guy he knows who works for some sort of dessert company, I do not even know and I do not care. Boring.

The Manzos and il Follettos attend the tasting, lurking quietly in the corners, unlike Teresa who arrives with someone named Linda, who knows anymore, and who arrives loudly complaining about Kathy’s madre recipe accusations. Teresa goes on to mock Kathy’s kids’ signs (which so did I, because they were mockable), claim that Kathy stole the idea of naming dishes after her famiglia from Teresa, and confront poor Jacqueline who desperately does not want to talk to Teresa. Teresa does invite Jacqueline to her Fabullini launch party before suggesting that Jacqueline is being Caroline’s puppet because Teresa just can’t help herself. She can’t help it! Because she is terrible! Nevertheless, Jacqueline is optimistic that perhaps things can improve in their friendship. Caroline and I are skeptical.

In other Lady Business news, because that’s the theme of this episode, Melissa and Folletto and some other guy discuss finding Melissa a proper recording contract. Folletto and I are skeptical.

But just because you don’t have a recording contract doesn’t mean you can’t have a photo shoot, right? To that end, Melissa rolls around in a ballgown on her dining room table which is covered in rose petals and gives some serious dead eye, as you do. She also stomps around in jeans and high heels and squints at the camera in an attempt to look sexy.

Finally, Chris Laurita, he is a reasonable human being. All he wants is for everyone to get along and quit acting like mostri. It’s not too much to ask! And he sees the writing on the wall: all of these pazzo people, they are going to be traveling together in tight quarters soon, and there is an excellent chance things can spiral out of control with this group. So he has a plan! Chris Laurita asks all the husbands to come to his house, eat a pile of barbecued chicken and drink some purse wine and promise one another that they will not let their wives go all pazzo, and if they do go all pazzo, the men will not engage the pazzo. It’s the best chance they have at not murderizing one another in their RVs.

Albert just cold refuses to attend this meeting, because what’s the point of even attempting to talk to Meatball, he’s The Worst. Jeff Goldblum, Jr. and Folletto arrive ahead of Meatball, and learn that Chris Laurita has no intention of riding in the same RV with il Meatballs. Because why would he? They are The Worst!

And then the most amazing thing happens, yous guys. THE MOST AMAZING THING. Folletto, realizing that this means he and Melissa will be in an RV with il Meatballs says the following: “If anything happens, you’ll see a meatball flying out of the back of the RV, bouncing down the road. Name is Joe Giudice.” DIO MIO! DIO MIO! DIO MIO! FOLLETTO READS TUBULAR! HIIIIIIIII FOLLETTO!! I THINK YOU ARE THE BEST, FOLLETTO!! I MEAN, IF I’M BEING HONEST, BIG GAY GREG IS MY FAVORITE, BUT I REALLY DO LIKE YOU MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD LIKE YOU WHEN YOU FIRST STARTED ON THE SERIES, I THINK YOU’RE PRETTY HILARIOUS BUT YOU NEED TO MAYBE TONE IT DOWN ON THE TRYING TO HAVE THE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE ON THE TELEVISION, ALWAYS!! FOLLETTO!!

Alright, so I’m not going to talk about Teresa instructing her 2-year-old daughter to put money in her “buhbies,” nor am I going to discuss the men’s conversation about what age they were when they lost their virginity because INAPPROPRIATE. NO.

Instead, we’ll just skip ahead to the point when Meatball finally arrives. When Chris Laurita attempts to explain why he’s having this meeting, Meatball does what Meatball does which is to get all defensive. He blames Jacqueline for the recent troubles for having the coglione to ask Teresa about the stories Teresa has been selling to the tabloids. Chris Laurita tries, briefly, to defend Jacqueline before he realizes to whom he is speaking and that he is wasting his breath. Folletto, though, falls into the trap and asks if Meatball minds sharing an RV with him, before explaining that he’s trying to work things out with Teresa. Meatball gets even more defensive and says some nasty things about Folletto and his parents, typical Meatball nonsense. So Folletto presses Meatball, demanding to know what Meatball’s problem is with him, what is this really all about? And Meatball, he finally drops some truth on him: This one time? Folletto? He borrowed some tools from Meatball, and then he didn’t return them. BOOM. THE TRUTH HURTS IS STUPID.

Folletto and Jeff Goldblum, Jr. and Chris Laurita and I, we can’t believe this merda. Jeff Goldblum, Jr. is certain that there has to be something more to it: did Folletto have the sex with one of Meatball’s goomahs? Nope, this is just about a ratchet kit. That’s it. And what can Folletto do but raise his glass to Meatball, and toast his awfulness. “Salud, you stronzo. What’chu want, a trowel?” Salud indeed, this guy.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on Bravo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

‘The Bachelorette’: And she chooses …

The Bachelorette
“The Finale/After the Final Rose”
July 22, 2012

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‘The Bachelorette’: Kiss and tell

The Bachelorette
“The Men Tell All”
July 16, 2012

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‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Dance Moms

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“The Jersey Side Step”
July 15, 2012

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‘The Bachelorette’: Not with a bang but a whimper

The Bachelorette
July 9, 2012

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‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Meet the parents

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“The Sniff Test”
July 8, 2012

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‘The Bachelorette’: Home is where I want to be

The Bachelorette
July 2, 2012

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‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: The good advice that you just didn’t take

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Temporary Shrinkage”
July 1, 2012 Continue reading “‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: The good advice that you just didn’t take”