‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Dance Moms

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“The Jersey Side Step”
July 15, 2012

Let’s just begin with the most tediosa housewife on the series: Kathy and her tediosa storyline about wanting to set up a card table in a ice cream store somewhere and sell a few cannoli. Quite the step down from owning her own restaurant and/or catering company, certainly. Keep dreaming big, Kath! She and Jeff Goldblum, Jr. meet with a amico di famiglia, Sal, who owns his own ice cream joint over in Patterson, NJ. (Which, if you’re in the area, you should go by Rutt’s Hut for one of the best hot dogs, EVER. Take the hot dog, leave the cannoli.) ANYWAY, they meet with Sal, and even though Kathy specifically asked Jeff Goldblum, Jr. to let her speak for herself and her cannoli, as soon as they get inside the ice cream joint, Jeff Goldblum, Jr. starts hard selling her baked goods, and Kathy is like, HEY. COOL IT. Instead of politely demurring, he instead asks for a “tampon” because his wife “just cut [his] balls off.” Nice! Molto bello, Jeff Goldblum, Jr.! Way to be.

In other molto tedioso food business, both Laurita, the Manzo boys, Big Gay Greg and some other goombahs and Albert and Caroline are all headed to something called The Fancy Food Show in Washington, DC to represent Black Water and the Brownstone’s new pasta sauce, respectively? Sure. That’ll be super fun and interesting to watch. Much is made of the fact that Black Water has a huge display, and Brownstone Spaghetti Sauce has a wee display. Ha? There is also a conversation about a previous decision to not put Caroline’s face on the pasta sauce jar, which is really really interesting because stories about things that didn’t ever happen are always the most interesting stories.

And so, Chris Laurita and the Manzo Boys and Wonderful Greg and some other two goombahs no one cares about load up into the Black Water truck and drive to Washington D.C. Chris Laurita makes a bunch of phone calls tedioso and the boys play “&#¢%, Kill, Marry” in the back, which is considerably more fun, while Chris Laurita makes sour faces at them and talks about how his business is suffering and that Black Water (or, really, Black Wootah as they pronounce it) is his last big shot. Therefore, THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

They stop on 9th St. in Philadelphia for some lunch at the Wishing Well, so that Christopher and My Favorite Greg can partake of the Shame Burger Challenge: Two Shame Burgers (which are two patties with scrapple, fried eggs and cheese — and if you don’t know what scrapple is, you don’t want to know what scrapple is) and two pounds of french fries in 45 minutes. Sure! Healthy! I can not think of a single reason to not do this while on a road trip! And then neither of them are able to complete the challenge because NO ONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO COMPLETE THE CHALLENGE.

Even better ideas: once arriving in Washington D.C., head directly to a Russian vodka bar and do a bunch of vodka shots the night before your big presentation. Chris Laurita only has water, please and thank you, but the rest of the dummies do flights of vodka shots and Christopher ends up spending the rest of the evening throwing up in the bathroom, of course.

And so the next morning they set everything up at the fancy foods show and Christopher isn’t feeling so great and boo hoo why don’t you have another Shame Burger and flight of vodka shots, you ridiculous person. At some point, My Best Friend Greg discovers Miss Patti LaBelle in a nearby booth selling hot sauce, and so he brings her some Black Water (thanks?) and they recognize each other’s fabulousness, but Albie and Christopher have no idea who she is, FOR SHAME.

Finally, FINALLY at the Fancy Food Show, the Manzos set up their sad little Brownstone Spaghetti Sauce table but no one really cares, the end.

So, that Beatstock thing is still happening, and to that end, Melissa continues to practice with Chris Judd and Gabagool continues to practice with her little dance troupe — at one point attributing her talent to her aunt to Teresa’s astonishment.

We also fill some time with il Follettos at their shore house: Melissa prances around in a red bathing suit which only encourages Folletto reference his “Tarzan” a bunch of times, and how “Tarzan” is “having a moment,” which leads the camera crew to helpfully zoom in on “Tarzan,” THANKS SO MUCH, CAMERA CREW. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT, BUT NOW IT IS ALL CLEAR.

This is later followed with a brief scene in il Folletto’s bedroom wherein Melissa and Folletto roll around in the bed until Stugats comes stomping into the room, interrupting Tarzan and Jane. I AM SORRY. And not to overthink this whole non-scene, but Melissa and Folletto keep acting as though Stugats has just come in from her bedroom, having had a bad dream or something, except that 1. She is not wearing pajamas but rather jeans, and 2. There’s a giant flower barrette in her hair and no one sleeps in giant flower barrettes, come on. So obviously this whole thing is staged, duh, the most obvious clue being that Folletto and Melissa have a CAMERA CREW IN THEIR BEDROOM WHILE TARZAN AND JANE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GOING FOR A VINE SWING GROSS STOP.

The day of Beatstock, Teresa gets her hair did, and there is a revealing moment when Mortadella marches into the room and announce that Meatball is in “his own room.” Jacqueline is brought in for her only moment of the episode to explain that there have been some rumors floating around that il Meatballs live separate lives and only pretend to still be together in public, NOT TO GOSSIP OR ANYTHING. (Interesting.)

When the makeup artist/hairdresser/who cares asks Gabagool if she knew Melissa would also be performing at Beatstock, Gabagool makes a nasty comment about Melissa lip synching which is kinda awesome but certainly not something she is repeating that she overheard an adult say. And when Mortadella calls Melissa a “big chicken,” again, that was something she thought of herself and not something she is parroting. Not at all. Teresa, she just wants to hear Melissa sing a ca-solo, what’s wrong with that? (Nothing, actually. Nothing at all.)

And il Meatballs climb into a limo to go to Beatstock and everyone makes fun of Melissa and Mortadella yells out that Melissa “stinks!” and I’m sorry, but what is Meatball wearing? Is that a sleeveless t-shirt with a vest? Were there no feathered capelets he could have borrowed?

Meanwhile, il Follettos retreat to a Holiday Inn or whatever, as Melissa explains that it is their 7th wedding anniversary and that her Beatstock performance is her gift to Folletto, which, thanks? I guess? She also gets her hair did and Folletto molests her feet and that is too much, TOO MUCH. STOP IT, FOLLETTO.

The entire famiglia meets at Beatstock, and Gabagool performs and then Melissa performs and nothing goes wrong and yay, Beatstock. I guess.

After the performance, Melissa and Teresa chat awkwardly about the upcoming RV trip to (? in? are they driving to Napa in an RV from Jersey or are they renting an RV once in Napa? This is unclear and A Very Big Difference.) Napa and how the roads are windy and could cause carsickness. Way to stay positive, ladies!

And back in DC, the Manzos and Lauritas meet for drinks after the Fancy Food Convention and chat about the upcoming Napa trip, too, and Chris Laurita announces that he has a Very Good Plan: the husbands will all have a sitdown and get on the “same page.” Because if the women start fighting, the men start defending their wives and then it becomes a merda storm and no one wants that. But Albert Manzo, he does not want to sit down with Meatball because he is a sensible person.

And that’s it, that is alla fine of this very tedioso episode, please tell me something more interesting happened on Sunday, per favore.

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Me, during both of these last two episodes.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on Bravo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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