‘The Bachelorette’: Not with a bang but a whimper

The Bachelorette
July 9, 2012

UPDATE!!! OK HI. I am back from my own island vacation, have finally watched last week’s episode of St. Emily and the Manherd Go to the Caribbean and Ride in Boats, and am now prepared to talk about it if you are. Yes? Yes.

St. Emily has been put on an airplane from Los Angeles to Curaçao which is a Caribbean country off of South America somewhere, it has an irritating little symbol in its name called a “cedilla,”  and they speak a language called Papiamentu which I’m not even convinced is a real thing. St. Emily wanders around the beach monologuing about the three final men, which means one thing: MONTAGES. Dallas Sean is muscly. Justin Wannabieber is weird. Cal Naughton, Jr. is a race car driver. Cool. Got it. But which one will St. Emily choose? St. Emily writes “St. Emily + ?” in the sand because: SYMBOLISM.

First Date: Dallas Sean. St. Emily is a little concerned about Dallas Sean, as he is the only one of the mancattle who has not professed his love for her. Never mind that she has not told (is not allowed to tell) any of these doofuses that she loves them; it is Very Important they profess their love for her whether they mean it or not. These are the rules, uh doyee. Dallas Sean makes a bunch of noises about how he needs to “not hold back” and “put himself out there” which I suppose are euphemisms for telling her that he loves her even though he might not actually love her but thems the rules. They take a helicopter tour of Curaçao — which, wait, was this the first helicopter date this season? did The Bachelor‘s helicopter budget get cut or were they concerned it would bring back bad memories? — and have an insightful conversation over the headsets: “Look.” “Cool.”

They arrive at their “own” private island where they have a picnic and Dallas Sean does not tell St. Emily that he loves her. Instead, they talk about Dallas Sean’s previous relationship, the one in which he strung the woman along for 3 years even though he knew he wasn’t going to marry her and then convinced himself he was a good guy because he finally dumped her. Dallas Sean says a bunch of clichéd things about “loving” Previous Girlfriend, but not “being ‘in love’ with her,” and then continues to not tell St. Emily that he loves her. Good talk!

At dinner, Dallas Sean presents St. Emily with a rather presumptive letter he has written to little Ricky Bobby, Jr. about how excited he is to become her new daddy, and then caps it all off by finally telling St. Emily that he is in love with her. WAS THAT SO HARD, DALLAS SEAN? Not that anyone is buying it, not even St. Emily. St. Emily hands Dallas Sean Chris Harrison’s invitation to the fantasy suite, and Dallas Sean is all over it. He just can’t wait to stay up all night “talking” to St. Emily. And so they head over to the fantasy suite, strip down to their bathing suits and roll around in the hot tub for a little while before St. Emily is all, “LOL JK GTFO,” because she’s a mom and an example to her daughter and never mind the fact that she stayed in the fantasy suite with Wombat, she’s in charge now, shut up.

Second Date: Justin Wannabieber. Justin Wannabieber makes some comments about how things just could not be going any better with St. Emily and how it is 100% perfect, but that he is not 100% certain everything is going to work out on account of the fact that he is still competing with two other men. But leave it to ABC to edit this perfectly reasonable statement down to just that he is “not 100% certain everything is going to work out” to use in the promos for the Fake Dramaz. Anyway, the two of them go to some big sailboat and tell each other how great they are together and Justin Wannabieber makes some weird analogy to a painting that doesn’t really make any sense and then he makes some terrible analogy to a sun setting and their life just beginning, and enough with the analogies, Justin Wannabieber, and the two of them get on a paddle board and go to a beach and go cliff diving and make out in the water and SERIOUSLY, ABC, QUIT BREAKING OUT THE UNDERWATER CAMERA, NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN THERE. Just because you can does not mean you should.

At dinner, Justin Wannabieber announces that he has a few questions for St. Emily:

1. Where does St. Emily want to live after all of this is said and done?

St. Emily gives the broadest answer possible, basically saying that she wants to A. move somewhere new, B. stay in Charlotte, and C. move to Salt Lake City. But not really.

2. If St. Emily is so great, why doesn’t St. Emily have a boyfriend, huh?

St. Emily blathers on and on about the many great guys she has dated and something about “paper,” but basically, she lacked spark with any of them.

3. Does St. Emily think Justin Wannabieber would be a good father to Ricky Bobby, Jr?

Don’t you think you should answer that, Justin Wannbieber, St. Emily does not say. Instead, she tells him about how she could picture him in the kitchen while she made Little Ricky Bobby, Jr’s lunch, or something, and this seems to please Justin Wannabieber even though it was kind of a non-answer if you really think about it.

St. Emily then presents Justin Wannabieber with the fantasy suite card and he’s all, NOPE. NO THANK YOU, HARLOT. MY PARENTS ARE WATCHING THIS, AND SO IS YOUR DAUGHTER. DID YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT? PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON AND HAVE SOME DIGNITY. St. Emily finds this charming and not vaguely insulting, so sure.

Third and Final Date: Cal Naughton, Jr. They too go on a boat, but this time with more of a purpose, or should I say porpoise? GET IT? BECAUSE THEY ARE SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS?


St. Emily goes on and on about being scared of the dolphins and knowing nothing about dolphins and recoils from the dolphins as they swim up against her and Fun Fact: Dolphins rape people. So, yeah, maybe you guys should just get back on the boat? And so they do and they don’t talk, they just make out, and there is so much kissing. Kissing and kissing and kissing.

They take a break from the kissing to eat a little dinner (or rather, sit in front of piles of food that never appear to be eaten), and St. Emily asks Cal Naughton, Jr. such probing questions as: Tuesdays? What do you do on Tuesdays? What time to you go to work? What time do you come home? INSIGHTFUL.

Cal Naughton, Jr. asks St. Emily where she wants to live after all of this is said and done which causes my 11-year-old viewing companion to ask if they are reading off scripts, because haven’t we been over this before? St. Emily responds that she wants to do what’s best for Ricky Bobby, Jr. which is, again, something of a non-answer. Cal Naughton, Jr. keeps coming with the tough questions though, and asks what St. Emily’s expectations are for a father for Ricky Bobby, Jr.  and there is some sort of meandering answer about how Ricky Bobby, Jr. doesn’t know what a father is, and how someone St. Emily ends up with would need to love Ricky Bobby, Jr. like his own child, &c. Cal Naughton, Jr. lays out his philosophy of step-daddydom, something about making friends with Ricky Bobby, Jr. first, and then becoming the enforcer? Sure. That’ll work.

And then St. Emily doesn’t even bother to offer Cal Naughton, Jr. the fantasy suite card, because she knows she won’t be able to keep her pants on if she did, and at least she’s honest about it.

Finally, St. Emily puts on her sparkliest skirt and her fanciest tank top and attaches what appears to be a blond horse tail to her head and prepares to make the Most Important Decision of This Week. She sits down with Chris Harrison who asks her if she found the clarity she was seeking in her three dates this week. NOPE, says St. Emily. I have NO IDEA whether I’m making the right decision tonight, says St. Emily. She then repeats this same comment about 30 different times for the next 15 minutes. She’s worried she’s about to send the wrong guy home. GOT IT. MOVE THIS ALONG CHRIS HARRISON/THE BACHELOR/EVERYONE.

St. Emily then views videos recorded by each of the mancattle, in which they make their final pleas to St. Emily to be spared. They all say pretty much the same thing: “YOU PRETTY. ME LOVE YOU. WE GET MARRIED,” and it might be heartbreaking if any of it were sincere. WHOOPS, SORRY, we’re getting close to the end of the season, and it appears my cynicism filter is wearing a little thin.

St. Emily begins sniveling about how she doesn’t want to break anyone’s heart and there is so much crying and so much sniveling and come on, it’s JUST NOT THAT BAD.

Oh hey, guys, Smug Chris will be on Bachelor Pad. Yay? (Not yay. Pineapple Head would have been a much more hilarious choice, honestly.)

Rose Ceremony time. After yammering about fairy tales and three different happy endings, she stares directly at Dallas Sean and SPOILER! apologizes to him. Not that he gets the hint because she then passes out the roses:

Rose #1: Justin Wannabieber
Rose #2: Cal Naughton, Jr.

and Dallas Sean is grinning wildly the entire time, like for a solid 3 seconds after the final rose is handed out, because it takes that long for him to do the very complicated math that he has just been eliminated. St. Emily walks him out to the Cab of Rejection and sniff sniff doesn’t know what to say, sniff, what is he thinking? Dallas Sean responds that he feels stupid, and dude, you said it, not me. St. Emily unhelpfully and somewhat meaninglessly explains that she sniff sniff wanted it to be him sniff sniff sniff snivel sniff. Dallas Sean wishes her the best before climbing into the Cab of Loneliness where he whines about wanting to love someone, which should be noted is not the same thing as actually being in love with St. Emily. Sniff, sniff. Sob. Snivel. Goodbye, Dallas Sean. Take your pranks elsewhere, big guy.

PREVIOUSLY: ALERT! I am still on vacation. I KNOW. I’M THE WORST (best). And so, instead of being glued to my television tonight, I spent most of the evening eating seafood and watching the sun set at a beach-front restaurant. While that awesomeness was happening (don’t hate — bloggers live large, y’all), St. Emily went on dates with Justin Wannabieber and Dallas Sean, probably on boats or on beach picnics or something, who cares. I returned to my hotel room to catch a glimpse of Cal Naughton, Jr. chewing on St. Emily’s face on some Caribbean island somewhere, and I honestly didn’t know if it was the beginning of the episode or the second half, because I am on vacation and who even knows about these crazy TV times here, right? But I guess it was the second half, because the next thing I know there was sniveling. So much sniveling! St. Emily just whimpering for a good twenty minutes about having to send one of these guys home, which seems like she’s is way overthinking/feeling it, because, come on. ANYWAY, she finally made a choice and I’ll just put it in the photo gallery rather than here, because? I intend to recap this when I return to the real world and it feels like a spoiler to put it in writing and not in photo form somehow? We’ll go with that.

Like I said, a recap soon! I had hoped this week would be the “Men Tell All” special, but nope! Real episode! So poke your head back in here next week, and hopefully I will have some overly long description of St. Emily’s insipid snorkeling/dancing with the natives/riding on a boat dates for you. Yay?

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC, and requires copious amounts of red wine to get through.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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