‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Meet the parents

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“The Sniff Test”
July 8, 2012

Yo, paisans, I’m back. Sorry for the extended delay, but dese tings, dey happen. So whad I miss? The most boring episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey perhaps of all time? Super.

It’s Stugats’ 6th birthday, and to celebrate, Melissa is going to rent all the bouncy houses and giant walk-through caterpillars and popcorn machines and cotton candy makers and make Folletto do body shots for the guests, whoops, wrong birthday party. Melissa’s madre and zie who are all Alarmingly Blond arrive early (and, fun fact that has nothing to do with this episode: Melissa is somehow also related to Ralph Macchio who I do not recall being at The Christening, but how awesome would it have been if he had been there, because you know what that Christening needed was one Karate Kid to maintain some order with a few crane kicks, BUT I DIGRESS) and she discusses Folletto and Teresa’s recent attempt at therapy famiglia. Her madre and zie say a bunch of very insightful things about how Folletto and Teresa need to love and listen to one another, which is entirely true! but good luck with that, look at who we’re talking about here. Melissa reminds Folletto that the therapist insisted that they begin having Sunday dinner as a famiglia with il Meatballs. To that end, she’s going to invite il Meatballs over when they arrive at Stugat’s birthday party. Folletto insists he has a football game that day, and who would blame him, CERTAINLY NOT ME.

At casa dei Meatball, Teresa and the girls prepare for Stugat’s festa while a shirtless Meatball wanders around the kitchen grunting. When Meatball refuses to attend Stugat’s party with his famiglia, Mortadella calls him a “big poop” because she is THE VERY BEST EVER. YES, MA’AM. DO IT AGAIN. Teresa explains to Meatball that the whole therapist ordered Sunday dinners with il Follettos. He grunts.

And then nothing much happens at Stugat’s festa. The kids play, Melissa invites Teresa over for Sunday dinner, Teresa accepts and offers to bring desert, Melissa requests sprinkle cookies (Point: Melissa), Jacqueline arrives, Teresa compliments her on her “leopard,” everyone is a little tense, nothing happens. Nothing happens! But what do you expect, this is a birthday festa, not a baby’s christening, come on.

Remember how I am always all, “OH MY GOD I DON’T CARE ABOUT LAUREN’S DIET SHUT UP ALREADY AND GIVE ME MORE POTATOEE FACE?” Well, The Producers listened, and found something even more boring: Lauren and Caroline’s adventures in business. Having been a giant failing failure at running her own cosmetics counter at Chateau, Lauren has decided to make another go at the makeup business by teaming up with Caroline and opening a boutique called … wait for it … wait a minute longer because it’s just that good … CAFACE. AS IN CAFÉ + FACE. This is The Greatest Business Name Ever. However, Lauren doesn’t actually like it very much, not even after Caroline explains her whole vision, complete with a menu and appetizers and lounges and cupcakes and ice tea? I do not know and not just because I fell asleep during this whole segment on account of the BORING BORINGNESS, but also because it make 0 sense. Hey, could we talk some more about BLK water? Or Caroline’s radio talk show? BECAUSE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS WERE MORE INTERESTING THAN THIS DEVELOPMENT.

Bring back Potatoee Face!

Alright, so there’s some thing called Beatstock which is some sort of dance music festival/my very worst nightmare — like, Beatstock will be how I spend eternity as punishment for all of my sins in this life, just wandering around in the heat, listening to Shaggy — and both Melissa and Gabagool have been invited to participate in it in one fashion or another: Melissa will be singing her new “hit single,” “Rockstar,” and Gabagool will dance with some sort of dance troupe, I do not even know. To prepare for this Very Important Event, we fill a lot of time with Gabagool’s dance rehearsals in which her manager decides which kids will be in the performance and SURPRISE! Gabagool makes the cut, and Melissa’s own dance rehearsal with Chris “The Former Mr. J-Lo” Judd, in which Melissa spends the entire time whining at The Former Mr. J-Lo. So interesting!

Also not nearly as interesting as The Producers clearly hoped it would be: the dinner Kathy and the Goldblum Jrs. host for Rosie and Rosie’s new girlfriend. Jeff Goldblum Jr. makes some gross comments about why he likes lesbians, Kathy makes a clichéd “joke” about lesbians, Rosie might not actually be dating this woman, dinner goes off boringly, boring boring some more boring and we’re done.

Finally, it is Big Gay Greg’s birthday, and after pretending that they aren’t doing anything to celebrate it, Albie and Christopher reveal that of course they are going to do something to celebrate it, duh. Also, we get a glimpse of Albie’s cheerleader girlfriend, Lindsey, who is taking out the trash. Sexy!

And so Jacqueline and Lauren pick Big Gay Greg up and drive him into the city and pretend that it’s just going to be them that night, but SURPRISE! Christopher and Albie and Caroline and Folletto and Melissa and Albie’s Cheerleader Girlfriend Lindsey all meet them at a gay club to celebrate. And for Caroline and Lauren to meet Albie’s Cheerleader Girlfriend Lindsey for the first time. (Yikes!) They meet, everyone is nice to each other, Cheerleader Girlfriend Lindsey has absolutely nothing to say, Caroline worries that Albie is going to be distracted from his career by this boring-got-nothing-to-say Cheerleader Girlfriend, Melissa gives Cheerleader Girlfriend Lindsey some very forward-thinking, modern lady tips to keep a man that include: vaccuum, do laundry, buy fruit baskets (?), Big Gay Greg does body shots off of Folletto’s tiny waxed chest, Melissa and Cheerleader Girlfriend Lindsey dance on the bar to Melissa’s “hit single,” “Rockstar,” and we FINALLY come to the end of one of the most boring episodes in recent history, meno male.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on Bravo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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