‘The Bachelorette’: Kiss and tell

The Bachelorette
“The Men Tell All”
July 16, 2012

I hate the “(Wo)Men Tell All” specials. HATE. Do I hate them more than the hometown visits? Yes! Yes I do. Because at least the hometown visits are only about 30% montages, and there aren’t a bunch of eliminated nobodies — whose names we don’t even remember — screaming over each other for one last grasp at the spotlight. Ugh, these reunion specials. They are the worst!

But Chris Harrison is all dressed up, and a bunch of guys who I only vaguely remember seem to have been flown out here, so I guess we have to do this. Chris Harrison begins the night with the worst news ever: the finale will be Sunday night and it will be 3 HOURS LONG. 3 HOURS! I can only assume it will be the regular 2 hour episode plus the “After the Rose” special, which is even more useless than the “(Wo)Men Tell All” special. And I know I say this every season, but still! No one needs 3 hours of this nonsense! That is too much of this nonsense!


Chris Harrison and St. Emily sit down in a taped interview/montagapalooza. Remember that time you and Pineapple Head made cookies? Remember that time Pineapple Head said you can’t get fat? Remember that time when Pineapple Head said you’d be his trophy wife? Remember Kalon Dru-Zod’s helicopter and the time he told you to shut up and the time he called your daughter “baggage?” Remember how awkward it was when Doug the Dad kissed you when you were trying to dump him? Good times.

There are then a bunch of blooper clips because who doesn’t love blooper clips! Watch St. Emily spill wine on an impossibly expensive dress! Watch St. Emily sing “Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star” to an egg! Watch St. Emily and Cal Naughton, Jr. be spied on by his creepy twin brothers! What a great way to spend 5 minutes of my life!

Hey everyone, Bachelor Pad starts NEXT WEEK. Are you so excited? What if I told you there was going to be a lot of crying on this season of Bachelor Pad? Like, A LOT of crying; like, EVERYONE CRIES ALL THE TIME? Are you excited now? Good, go take your antibiotics, grab some Kleenex and box wine and meet back here in one week. Because this nightmare isn’t over yet, kids. Not by a long shot.

After 30 minutes of nothingness, the manherd is brought out to the stage, the majority of whom I do not remember in the least. Welcome back: Grandma Randy, Aaron “Clark Kent,” “Some Guy Named” Joe, “Head Injury” Charlie, Stevie “Pauly D.,” Alessandro “Unfrozen Cave Man Grain Merchant,” Travis “Eggy,” “Some Guy Named” Nate, “Austin” Michael, Alejandro, Kalon “Dru-Zod” (who is hilariously met with loud boos from the audience), Ryan “Pineapple Head,” Doug “the Dad,” John “Wolfboy,” “Desperate” Tony,  “Smug” Chris, and “Dallas” Sean.

OH HEY MORE MONTAGES. Remember when Smug Chris got into fights with the other men? Remember how Doug the Dad became angry over being called self-deprecating? Remember how everyone hated Kalon Dru-Zod because he was a pompous jerkface? Remember how arrogant Pineapple Head was for someone with a pineapple head? YES. WE DO. GET ON WITH IT, CHRIS HARRISON.

Smug Chris is the first to talk, admitting that he was, in fact, immature and over-the-top, but it was only because he liked St. Emily SO MUCH, you guys. And in the very next breath, he manages to get into another fight with Doug the Dad right there on the stage about whether or not Smug Chris is immature. Because irony is completely lost on the smug/immature. Somehow Pineapple Head is also dragged into the fray, with Smug Chris accusing him of not caring about St. Emily, and being on the series for the wrong reasons, and being Very Personally Offensive to Smug Chris. Pineapple Head shrugs and announces that a lot of things offends Smug Chris. OH SNAP.

The manherd then turns on easy target, Kalon Dru-Zod and his helicopter and his snotty attitude and the fact that other, nicer men were sent home before him, and only being on the show for the spotlight. Kalon Dru-Zod rolls his eyes and dismisses them as lacking confidence. His friends are confident people. Chris Harrison, intrigued by the idea that Kalon Dru-Zod has friends asks him about it, and Kalon Dru-Zod points to Smug Chris and Desperate Tony — he’s great friends with his fellow Bachelor Pad stars! Smug Chris and Desperate Tony, however, look frantically around the set, certain he must be talking about a different Smug Chris and Desperate Tony, because, what?

Kalon Dru-Zod is the first of the men to have to sit with Chris Harrison and explain himself, after watching yet another montage of his Very Bad Behavior. Kalon Dru-Zod tries to claim that he signed up for The Bachelorette before St. Emily was revealed to be the Bachelorette, so. And wouldn’t it have looked worse if he had backed out of the series upon learning that the Bachelorette was a single mom? Perfect argument, Kalon Dru-Zod! Go on! As far as the time when they were rehearsing the Shakespeare and he told her to go away, it was just because she was very sick and he was concerned about her. Even better argument, Kalon Dru-Zod! Tell us more! Does he regret telling St. Emily to shut up? Of course he doesn’t regret telling St. Emily to shut up, come on. Nor does he feel bad for calling Little Ricky Bobby, Jr. “baggage.” Why should he? America likes everything to be sugar-coated, but he’s going to be honest, so deal with it, AMERICA. And as the good folks at Videogum.com like to say, Kalon Dru-Zod rests his case! Case very rested!

Next up: Pineapple Head and a montage of Pineapple Headness. Listen, Chris Harrison/America, Pineapple Head is not arrogant, he is confident. Arrogance is a false sense of confidence, and there is nothing false about Pineapple Head’s confidence, y’all. And let’s clear this up: Pineapple Head was not on this show for St. Emily, he was on the show to find his wife. Chris Harrison points out the obvious, that St. Emily was The Bachelorette, not Pineapple Head, but the point is lost in a bunch of screaming from the peanut gallery, and ugh, this is why I hate reunion specials, you guys. As for Pineapple Head’s ambitions to be the next Bachelor? Well, yeah, y’all! Pineapple Head absolutely said that to anyone who would sit still long enough to listen (except to Smug Chris, because, who cares about that guy, for realz), and why not? Who wouldn’t want to meet 25 ladies? But then Chris Harrison breaks America’s heart by shutting that noise down right then and there. There is not going to be a The Bachelor: Pineapple Head, y’all. Pour one out for a dream unrealized.

A reluctant Smug Chris is the next to be called up to Chris Harrison’s chair of nightmares, and he makes a big deal about how he doesn’t want to go, causing Chris Harrison to thank him for starting their conversation off on a weird note. HIGH FIVE, CHRIS HARRISON. Smug Chris tells us again that he just really fell in love with St. Emily and so yeah, maybe he seemed angry, but that’s just because he will fight for what he wants, Chris Harrison. HE WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR HONOR. Also, he lost some really good friends to death, and therefore believes that you have to not hold anything back because you might not have the opportunity tomorrow, so yeah, maybe he was immature, but YO, DON’T CALL HIM IMMATURE. The end.

The last man to join Chris Harrison is Dallas Sean, and, y’all, why didn’t any of you point out that he looks JUST LIKE the ‘roided out Anthony Michael Hall? How did I miss this until now? BAH. Anyway, he comes to the chair and the crowd goes bonkers because they love them some Dallas Sean (Farmer Ted) and they just do not understand how St. Emily could not have chosen him and all his muscles. Dallas Sean (Farmer Ted) says that he truly believed St. Emily was going to be his wife, and that he felt inadequate when she sent him packing. What does Justin Wannabieber or Cal Naughton, Jr. have that he doesn’t? Did she see all of his muscles? But Dallas Sean (Farmer Ted), he is not here to be ugly about St. Emily: She taught him that love was possible, and opened his eyes to what he wants out of life. Dallas Sean (Farmer Ted) is grateful to St. Emily for breaking his heart, and he is more hopeful than ever that the love of his life is out there. He just hopes she comes along sooner rather than later. THE CROWD GOES WILD.

And with that, the rest of you (especially you, hopeful minorities) can just go ahead and throw away your application to be the next Bachelor. Methinks we’ll be seeing a lot more of Dallas Sean (Farmer Ted) and his slab of abs.

Finally, St. Emily is dragged out onto the stage, and YOU JUST SIT DOWN, DESPERATE TONY, NO ONE TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD HUG HER. DON’T MAKE CHRIS HARRISON GET THE TASER. St. Emily tells Dallas Sean (Farmer Ted) that she sobbed all over the place all over again while watching the episode where she sent him home. Uh, thanks? says Dallas Sean (Farmer Ted). He assures he that he never questioned her sincerity, and thanks her for opening his eyes to what he wants in life and giving him hope for the future. And that would have been a nice moment except that Smug Chris is all, “ME TOO! ME TOO!” And no one asked you, Smug Chris? Just sit down and shut it.

Doug the Dad and St. Emily laugh over the awkward goodbye kiss, and St. Emily apologizes to him for not giving him the group date rose in London, when he told her about Kalon Dru-Zod’s terrible behavior. Better late than never.

SPEAKING OF: Chris Harrison asks St. Emily about that moment, again, and she notes that she was disappointed in herself for being such a poor judge of character that she let Kalon Dru-Zod get as far along as he did. Kalon Dru-Zod apologizes, sorta, and St. Emily is like, NOPE. NO SIR. She saw what he posted on Twitter — the picture of the baggage claim and how he expected to see St. Emily there? She knows his apology is bollocks, and notes that the truest test of character and class is being able to apologize sincerely for hurting someone. Finally, she hopes that he finds faith in something bigger than his pride Prada and rented helicopter. OH TWO SNAPS. (Thanks for the correction, guys!)

Lastly, she dismisses Pineapple Head as basically a harmless narcissist, and hopes for him that he finds that trophy wife as the Bachelor of Augusta, which I do not ever see happening ever, but I am rather surprised that he is not going to be on Bachelor Pad, because what could be more perfect? Has there ever been someone more perfect for Bachelor Pad? (No, there has not. Not even Erica Rose.)

Finally, FINALLY! we end with yet more bloopers, because who doesn’t love bloopers! And a final set of montages about Cal Naughton, Jr. and Justin Wannabieber, yawn, who cares, LET’S JUST GET ON WITH THIS ALREADY, GAH.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC, and requires copious amounts of red wine to get through.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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