‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Please do not take romantic advice from murder parrots.

Bachelor in Paradise
August 15, 2016

Last we left him, Boner had been unceremoniously dumped by Carly. Driven to insanity desperation, he drafted a fake date card for himself and Token Single Mom, who up to this point had been attached to Josh by the tonsils following their date. This is not a plan! This is madness!

But Boner soldiers through and taking his life in his own hands, he interrupts Single Mom and McMoansalot’s explorations of one another to ask Single Mom if she’ll join him in the treehouse. Single Mom, being a nice person, agrees to go talk with him instead of pointing out that she is currently busy investigating Josh’s internal organs with her tongue. As for McMoansalot, he lets out a big “HAW HAW!” before turning his attention to a plate of pizza.

Boner takes Single Mom up to the treehouse where he’s all, “GOTCHA! We’re on a date now!” And she is like, “Oh, no no no no no no no no. Did you not notice that you were interrupted Moany and me mid-dry? This with us is not happening. This with us is never happening, you sad, sad little man.”

so-youre-telling-me-theres-a-chance dumb and dumber

Literally. He literally tells the Producers that there is a “glimmer of hope,” bless him.

The next day is the rose ceremony where the lady rejects are in charge of handing out the roses. To prepare, Dooficer helpfully shaves Toasted’s back, and Josh McMoansalot sweats entirely through his shirt because that’s what kind of show this is.

Everyone converges in the Rejection Palapa for Chris Harrison’s instructions before beginning the desperation rose dash. Mr. Intensity and Dooficer compete for Buster’s rose, Dooficer driving one poor bee to suicide on his chin; 7-Years-a-Stranger is super confident he’s going to get Twin #2’s rose even though he thought Twin #1 was Twin #2 when they were out on a date; and for a while, Wesley Snipes doesn’t even bother, having given up completely.

In contrast, eternal optimist Boner once again asks to speak to Token Single Mom. Once alone, Boner tells Token Single Mom what, exactly, it was that Andi wrote about Sweaty McMoansalot: specifically that he was “emotionally abusive,” and Boner warns Token Single Mom to be careful.

Alarmed, Single Mom asks some of the other lady rejects about this, and The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party is like, “Ooooh, gurl, you in danger.” The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party then heads back into the Rejection Palapa to tell Fireman Grant what Boner is up to, only to realize to late that Sweaty was sitting right next to Fireman Grant and overheard everything, and Sweaty is NONE TOO HAPPY WITH BONER.

Sweaty McMoansalot takes Boner aside and is like, “BRAH, NOT COOL. DON’T JUDGE ME, DUDE. GET TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON, BRO.” Boner explains that he was just concerned for Single Mom and that he thinks Sweaty is “too polished.” (That’s just the sweat, Boner.) Boner also asks Sweaty if what Andi wrote about him were lies, why he didn’t sue her for libel?  Sweaty is like, “CUZ I TOOK THE HIGH ROAD, LIKE A GENTLEMAN. GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME, BRAH. HAW HAW!”

Sensing an opportunity, Wesley Snipes takes Single Mom aside and adds that he for one has read Andi’s book, and all he’s saying is that the unflattering things that she wrote about Wesley Snipes were pretty factual. So, Single Mom might want to rub the three brain cells in her pretty little head together and do the math.

math class is tough barbie

Math class is tough, Barbie, which is why when the rose ceremony finally happens, Single Mom offers Sweaty McMoansalot her rose.

The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party offers Fireman Grant her rose.
Onesie offers Toasted her rose.
Twin #1 offers Cousin Max her rose.
Buster offers Dooficer her rose.
Carly offers Boner a “platonic” rose.
so-youre-telling-me-theres-a-chance dumb and dumber
Twin #2 offers Wesley Snipes her rose.

Adios, Mr. Intensity. You were just too intense, dude. And adios 7-Years-a-Stranger, whoever the hell you are.

The next morning, Caila or “The Fatalist,” as I called her when she was on Bachelor Ben’s season on account of the fact that after a rom-com style meet-cute story with her boyfriend involving an airplane and then running into each other on the street, Caila dumped his ass when she caught a glimpse of Bachelor Ben on The Bachelorette, because she felt her destiny lay not with the man she was actually with, but instead with some TV stranger.

It was not.

CAILA

So Caila comes sauntering in and the man rejects go full Tex Avery wolf eyes.

tex avery wolf eyes

I mean, she does have great hair.

After chatting with the available man rejects, Fatalist invites Cousin Max to come on her date, and Cousin Max being a Nice Guy, is eager to go — just as soon as he clears it with whichever Twin it is with whom he’s been half-heartedly hanging out. Twin #1 is upset at being dumped — especially for Fatalist whom she calls “condescending” despite literally not knowing what condescending means. But Twin #1 handles the situation as well as any of these dummies can and gives her blessing to the guy she barely knows to go on a date with someone other person. Such sacrifice. Such grace.

And so off Cousin Max and Fatalist go on their generic “ride horses on the beach, make out on the beach” date. When they return, Cousin Max takes Twin #1 aside and is like, “Yeah, I’m totally into Fatalist. It’s been real, but I’m OUTTA HERE.”

bye forever

While Cousin Max and Fatalist were on their super boring date, the rest of the rejects spent their time watching Dooficer drink water out of Toasted’s belly button…

belly button bachelorette daniel poking.gif

… and waiting for the next date card which, in A BACHELOR IN PARADISE FIRST, SO GET SO EXCITED!!!!!!, is a double date for Onesie and The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party. They invite Toasted and Fireman Grant to join them, obviously.

The foursome go to dinner where they talk about how cute they are as couples, trying to convince themselves as much as anyone, I suppose. They then go to a Señor Frog’s –BECAUSE OF COURSE SEÑOR FROG’S — where they have margaritas made in their mouths, participate in a foam party, say goodbye to these, have the locals throw water on them, nearly get into a fist fight with the locals.

Lo siento, Mexico.

senor tadploe's make a margarita in mouth arrested development

Back in “Paradise,” Carly and Buster throw their own double date with Dooficer and Boner, where Boner proceeds to get black-out drunk — or as the case might be “black-out” drunk — and tries to kiss Carly.

Boner heads back down to his room and passes out. Then, for reasons that are unclear to me, the Producers go into his room and try to wake him. Why are they trying to wake him up? Isn’t he just drunk and sleepy? Do they have to check on all the drunks before letting them go to sleep for the night? Is that a job? Make Sure They Don’t Choke On Their Own Vomit Producer? Because I don’t want that job. That seems like a terrible job that would involve way too many bodily fluids.

When they aren’t able to rouse him, the Producers call the medic and, again, mysteriously, bring Carly down to Boner’s room. What’s Carly going to do if there is an actual medical emergency? Is she a medical professional? No? She’s a cruise singer? OH, THEN HAVING CARLY SING A MEDLEY OF R&B CLASSICS AT BONER WHILE HE DIES OF PANCREATITIS WILL BE SUPER HELPFUL, GUYS.

Boner, now awake, claims he has no idea what is happening and why everyone is in his room, poking at him. The medic declares Boner OK, but insists that someone stay with him overnight, and Boner volunteers Carly for the job. And she agrees to it? And begins making out with him? And she finds herself saying that if he did fake this entire episode just so she’d have to spend the night with him, it’s kinda romantic?

oh god honey no mean girls amy poehler

New morning, new reject: Ashley I. or “Khaste Kardashian” as I called her on account of her stubborn virginity and resemblance to a particular reality television family.

ASHLEY I.

Bachelor in Paradise
August 16, 2016

As you might remember, Khaste had a tumultuous relationship with Cousin Max on the last season of Bachelor in Paradise and there was crying. There was so much crying. OH LORD, THE CRYING.

Well, Khaste is back, Chris Harrison, and she will have you know she is only going to cry three times here in “Paradise,” because she is so much more mature now, for real, she means it. As for Cousin Max, after the show they continued having a friendship with limited benefits, and her worst fear is to go into “Paradise” and find him with another lady reject. WELL I HOPE YOU PACKED TISSUES, KHASTE, BECAUSE ALL THAT MASCARA IS GOING TO NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE, GIRL.

And sure enough, when Khaste walks in, you can see Cousin Max’s stomach drop. You can literally pinpoint the moment when he realizes that his entire “Paradise” experience is OVER. DONE. FINISHED.

You almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

Cousin Max takes Khaste aside and is like, “Heeeey, great to see you, but the thing is, I’m with Fatalist now, so try to be cool.” Khaste takes this under advisement, and firmly rejects it.

Instead, she chats with the Twins who inform her that Cousin Max is totally into Fatalist, but for real though. And here come the waterworks. IT’S JUST THAT FATALIST SWORE TO KHASTE THAT SHE WOULDN’T GO AFTER COUSIN MAX, SHE PROMISED. ~sob~

Khaste then sobs to a parrot that maybe she should just go home. The parrot — and this is not an exaggeration, this is a literal thing that literally happened on this show — advises Khaste to “drown Fatalist.”

drown caila bachelor in paradise parrot.gif

DO NOT LISTEN TO MEXICAN MURDER PARROTS, KHASTE.

Khaste chats with Fatalist herself, and is like, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?” Fatalist explains that she didn’t even decide to come to “Paradise” until two days ago and as for promising to not date Cousin Max, that was before she actually met him. Sorry! But not sorry. Not sorry at all.

There’s more crying, but it’s unclear if this counts as a separate crying jag or just an extension of the first. Will have to consult the rules.

Cousin Max sits with Khaste again and when she cries that she’s just going to go home, instead of offering to carry her bags to the Rejected Again Camioneta, he convinces her to stay and ask Dooficer on her date.

So, Khaste approaches Dooficer and asks him out on her date, reading the card: “Love requires sacrifices,” and he wonders if they are going to have to kill a “newborn calf” or something.

what the fuck dog confused.gif
da fuq

They go on their date which is in some weird cavernous restaurant with giant carved Aztec figures and what is this place? Where are they? Over dinner, Khaste and Dooficer talk about her virginity, her feelings for Cousin Max, Dooficer’s latent bisexuality, her virginity, maple syrup, her virginity. And then a bunch of “Aztecs” storm the room, dance around them, and carry Khaste off to be their virginal sacrifice. Dooficer stays and finishes his refried beans.

The next morning, the newest cast member arrives: Jen from Bachelor Ben’s season, or “Flipper” as I called her because in her bio she noted that dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure.

JENNIFER

As the season got underway, I kept waiting for Flipper to give me a better nickname — something relevant to the season or about her as a person and not this weird “fact” that she “knows,” but she didn’t have much screen time, so “Flipper” it was.

When Flipper arrives in “Paradise,” Wesley Snipes is immediately smitten and thrilled when she invites him on her yacht date. Wondering where they are headed, at one point Wesley Snipes suggests that maybe they are going to go “swimming with dolphins” and Flipper responds — AND I QUOTE — “I know a fun fact about them: they’re the only mammals to have sex for pleasure.”

Y’all. Y’ALL. IS THIS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING SHE KNOWS? I NEED ANSWERS.

Oh, and I’d be remiss to not point out that when Flipper shares the one thing in the universe she knows, they do not film her face. Instead, the camera pans from Wesley’s face, down to her chest where it lingers for as long as it takes for her to share this “fun fact,” before panning back to Wesley Snipes’ face. Because that’s what kind of show this is.

IMG_6226
You know what dolphins don’t have? Bewbs.

And then they go make out on a beach until they are overrun with crabs.

Back at “Paradise,” a medic checks in on Boner again, who apparently has some mysterious foot ailment that the medic insists he go to the hospital to be looked at. Boner and Carly load up in an ambulance where Boner is given one of worst and bloodiest IVs I’ve ever seen, and taken to the hospital where Carly looks into his ears with an otoscope, falls in love with Boner’s ear canals.

As for Khaste, don’t worry, the “Aztecs” didn’t actually carve out her beating heart and throw it into a volcano, she just feels like they did. She spends the next morning sobbing in her bed while Fatalist awkwardly stands nearby and listens. It’s weird. Why are you just standing there, Fatalist? Go get a margarita at the bar and ignore that fool, Fatalist.

That evening, everyone heads to the Rejection Palapa for the next rose ceremony, in which the man rejects will be handing out the roses.

Cousin Max takes Fatalist aside to try to reassure her that Khaste isn’t anything to worry about. Meanwhile, Wesley Snipes tries to convince Khaste that Cousin Max is never ever ever going to happen. Never. Ever. Never ever ever. “YOU CAN’T TELL ME THAT!” she wails. “SHH!” she says.

Khaste and Cousin Max go off to talk, and by “talk” I mean, Khaste cries about how she’ll “NEVER FIND ANOTHER [HIM]” and “HOW IS IT POSSIBLE [THEY] CAN’T BE MORE” and that there “WAS A GLIMMER THAT MADE [HER] HOPEFUL BUT IT’S JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.” Cousin Max then asks her why she even came to “Paradise,” and Khaste answers “to get over [him]” which is both hilarious and batshit insane, which sums Khaste Kardashian’s whole thing, honestly.

To be continued, my little murder parrots!

YOUR GUIDE TO THE STUPID NICKNAMES
Amanda Token Single Mom
Ashley Khaste Kardashian
Brandon 7-Years-a-Stranger
Caila The Fatalist
Carly Carly
Chad The Chad
Christian Mr. Intensity
Daniel Dooficer
Emily Twin #2
Evan Boner
Grant Fireman Grant
Haley Twin #1
Izzy Onesie
Jared Cousin Max
Jen Flipper
Josh Sweaty McMoansalot
Lace The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party
Leah John Elway
Nick Wesley Snipes
Sarah Buster
Vinny Toasted

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. I’m going to catch up one day.

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4 thoughts on “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Please do not take romantic advice from murder parrots.

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