‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Sweatily ever after

Bachelor in Paradise
September 5, 2016

Finally, amigos. Finally. It’s time to fumigate the Palapa de Rejection for Zika and social diseases, and so our rejects must pair up and vete. And not a moment too soon for my liver and my sense of dignity.

Continue reading “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Sweatily ever after”

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Things fall apart

Bachelor in Paradise
August 29, 2016

Before we get started on this recap that felt like it took me 96 hours to write, because maybe it did, I passed out somewhere in the middle and I can’t be entirely sure, we have to address the big news out of infuriatingly-so-called “Bachelor Nation” this week: Nick Viall is going to be the Bachelor for next season: The Bachelor: Some Folks Never Learn. Continue reading “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Things fall apart”

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Surprise, bitch

Bachelor in Paradise
August 22, 2016

We begin this episode as we have begun most episodes over the past two seasons: with Khaste Kardashian making Cousin Max miserable, sobbing and keening that SHE LOOOOOOVES HIM, WHY DOESN’T HE LOOOOOOOVE HER, SHE KNOWS THAT HE DOES, DEEP DOWN HE LOOOOOOVES HER TOO, JUST SAY IT. SAY IT. Continue reading “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Surprise, bitch”

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Please do not take romantic advice from murder parrots.

Bachelor in Paradise
August 15, 2016

Last we left him, Boner had been unceremoniously dumped by Carly. Driven to insanity desperation, he drafted a fake date card for himself and Token Single Mom, who up to this point had been attached to Josh by the tonsils following their date. This is not a plan! This is madness! Continue reading “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Please do not take romantic advice from murder parrots.”

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Single white dummies

Bachelor in Paradise
August 8, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise ended its first episode with a big cliffhanger: would “Hurricane Chad” just take his lunch meats and go, or would he attack the robe-wearing, mimosa-drinking Chris Harrison on his way out? DRAMA!

Continue reading “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Single white dummies”

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Hunker down

Bachelor in Paradise
August 2, 2016

Now that Bachelor Ben has “found love” with some stewardess, whatever her name was, Lori? Lulu? Loni? Who cares? and Jojo the Unicorn is “engaged” to some NFL player’s less talented younger brother, it’s time to throw a decontamination tent over the Bachelor McMansion and take the rejects down to Mexico to get drunk and exchange bodily fluids.

Three hours a week of this, you guys. And that’s not counting a fourth hour of “After Paradise” nonsense that I am definitely not watching. You can’t make me.

Continue reading “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Hunker down”