Bachelor in Paradise
August 29, 2016
Before we get started on this recap that felt like it took me 96 hours to write, because maybe it did, I passed out somewhere in the middle and I can’t be entirely sure, we have to address the big news out of infuriatingly-so-called “Bachelor Nation” this week: Nick Viall is going to be the Bachelor for next season: The Bachelor: Some Folks Never Learn.
Look, I didn’t expect The Bachelor to do anything as daring and bold and important as actually casting a Bachelor of color, don’t be ridiculous. But I didn’t expect that of all the men in the entire universe they had to choose from, they would choose to cast a smug, slut-shaming, back-biting little weasel, either.
I do not care one whit that Nick redeemed himself on Bachelor in Paradise this season by repeatedly being the voice of reason. That’s an extraordinarily low bar to hurdle on this series. But in addition now that we know that they chose Nick to be the Bachelor, his entire appearance in “Paradise” this season appears to be exactly the sort of character rehabilitation that he accused Josh of doing IN THIS VERY EPISODE.
Let us not forget who this asshole is — he is the same guy who asked Andi in the fantasy suites if she wanted to “make love or fuck.” Then, when he wasn’t chosen by Andi, he pointedly made clear in front of her fiance that she had sex with him, before demanding to know why she did so if she wasn’t in love with him. THEN, instead of going through the normal channels to appear on Kaitlyn’s season, he shows up several weeks in and demands a spot in her cast. And I’m not mad at Nick or Kaitlyn for sleeping together before the fantasy suites — in fact, good for them, I say. They’re adults, they don’t have to ask permission from a stupid reality show if they want to get it on. But afterwards he was so awful and glib and sneering and he is really lucky no one punched him in his self-satisfied face because God knows I wanted to through my television screen.
Those feelings have not diminished, not even after this summer.
Now we’re stuck watching Nick on his “journey” to find true love for 10 weeks even though if anyone should be skeptical of finding love on a reality television show it should be THE DUMB SAP WHO WAS DUMPED ON THE SAME SHOW BY TWO DIFFERENT WOMEN.
And who are the women who would want to date this douchebag after everything that has happened in the past three years? You know, I am strongly considering hiring a team of therapists and man-hating feminists to come with me to storm the Bachelor McMansion and kidnap as many of the dummies inside so as to send them off on their own “journeys” to find their lost self-esteem. WHO’S WITH ME?
Or, maybe, instead, I’m going to go start a kickstarter, except of sending money, you can send me box wine. I’m going to need as much as my already fatty liver can take. And then some.
As for this episode: in her big “BITCH, BACK THE FUCK UP” conversation with Khaste Kardashian, Fatalist managed to throw a few elbows, using the plural pronoun when discussing herself and Cousin Max — as if they were dating something — and saying, hilariously, that Cousin Max “loves [Khaste] like a sister,” which Khaste labels the “most low-key dig” she’s heard in her life. Oh, honey, it wasn’t that low-key.
Khaste whines that she just can’t be friends with someone who is dating a guy she has feelings for, to which Fatalist is all, “That’s sounds like a you problem. BYE, GIRL, BYE.”
Cousin Max then, for reasons that are a mystery (he enjoys having his ego stroked), sits with Khaste and listens to her sob about how her feelings towards Cousin Max are more “pure” than Fatalist’s, that she just can’t watch him be with someone else, and that he’s just so hard to get over.
Khaste then sobs in an interview that her dog, Lucy, recently died, and how she knows that her dog’s spirit is going to “help [her] on this journey.” Because Lucy’s got nothing better to do up in dog heaven than to manage Khaste’s love life.
And that’s when the next new arrival wanders into “Paradise:” Wells, or “All-4-Wells” as I insisted on calling him after he brought the R&B group All-4-One with him on his first night of Jojo’s season in a gesture that might have been super cool back in 1994, but 22 years later was merely a genial shrug. “Oh, right, those guys,” America said.
All-4-Wells shows up in “Paradise,” and literally every single reject takes him aside to beg him to PLEASE, FOR ALL THAT’S GOOD AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD, PLEASE TAKE KHASTE KARDASHIAN OUT ON YOUR DATE, SERIOUSLY, DUDE, WE’LL PANTS YOU IF YOU DON’T, YOU’RE SKINNY, DON’T THINK WE COULDN’T.
And so, while the entirety of “Paradise” holds their breath, All-4-Wells asks Khaste out on his date, praise Lucy. The entire
prison hotel erupts in relieved cheers.
All-4-Wells and Khaste go to a local taco joint where they chat about music and feed a stray dog. Things we learn: Khaste’s favorite band is Hanson, whose biggest hit came out when she was 7, which only makes sense as that is the exact same age as her emotional maturity. But hey, they kiss, which considering that Khaste isn’t with Cousin Max, and that it took All-4-Wells approximately 2 years to kiss Jojo the Unicorn, this is an enormous success for everyone! ¡Olé!
Now that things have — for the moment — stabilized somewhat between Khaste and Cousin Max, “Paradise’s” natural entropy seeks out a new target, and finds it in The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party and Fireman Grant’s relationship.
For reasons that are never clear, other than the fact that The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party is mentally disturbed and anyone who willingly enters into a relationship with her takes their lives in their own hands, The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party begins aggressively flirting with other men in front of Fireman Grant. When he confronts her about this, she tells him he’s “bugging” her and wishes him good luck getting her rose later. It escalates from there until Fireman Grant storms off, and The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party is a puddle of hot crazy tears.
Later that night, The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party glares at Fireman Grant before dramatically standing up and stomping off in a huff. Somehow this all resolves itself after Fireman Grant follows her and apologizes for I don’t even know what as I have no idea what they were even fighting about.
Elsewhere, there’s a bit of a dust-up when Wesley Snipes and Flipper announce their intention to sleep in one of the grossly nicknamed “boom-boom rooms,” one that apparently Sweaty and Single Mom have been using rather exclusively. Single Mom gives her blessing, explaining that she’s tired and going to go sleep in her own bed, so please, feel free to enjoy their sweat- and pizza-stained sheets.
As Wesley and Flipper make “OK GOODNIGHT WE’RE GOING TO GO MAKE THE SEX NOW” noises, Sweaty appears out of nowhere and declares that actually, he and Single Mom already called that room, sorry, but they can’t have it, HAW HAW! Wesley and Flipper point out that Single Mom is already passed out in her room, and even go in to confirm that she is asleep, but Sweaty doesn’t care. He put a fan in the “boom-boom room,” therefore it is his and Single Mom’s in perpetuity. Fans trump everything, check “Paradise’s” bylaws.
After Wesley and Flipper point out that Single Mom is currently snoring in her own bed and probably not interested in rolling around in the pepperoni with him tonight, Sweaty McMoansalot marches into Single Mom’s room, wakes her up, demands to know why she isn’t sleeping with him, and when she’s all, “wait, what is happening right now…” barks “GOOD TALK” at her before petulantly stomping off to his own sad little single bed. HAW HAW.
The next day is another rose ceremony in which the lady rejects are passing out roses. And even though most of the roses are already determined, we still have to endure watching the rejects go through the motions of chatting and making out. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party and Fireman Grant chat and make out; Carly — who is wearing some sort of unfortunate strapless romper along with matching unattached lace sleeves which she ordered from the Apollonia 6 Collection — and Boner chat and make out and make allusions to Boner’s boner, so go ahead and try to get that out of your head; and Dooficer tries to woo Twin #2 with a platter of chicken nuggets and Onesie with a lamp. Neither approach is particularly effective.
But then! The Twins take Wesley Snipes aside, explaining that after last night, they have some concerns about Sweaty McMoansalot and his temper, and they want to know what Wesley really thinks of him. Wesley repeats what he told Single Mom earlier: that he knows what Andi wrote about him was accurate, so he has no reason to believe that what she wrote about Sweaty, that he is emotionally abusive and aggressive, isn’t also accurate. Wesley then wonders about Sweaty’s real motivations for coming to “Paradise” and choosing the sweetest woman there to date: was it all to repair his image following Andi’s tell-all?
And then it’s time to pass out the roses:
Carly offers Boner her rose.
Khaste offers All-4-Wells her rose.
Flipper offers Wesley Snipes her rose. (Don’t get too attached, Flipper. I’m from the future and am here to tell out it doesn’t work out.)
Onesie offers The Lamp Guy her rose.
Fatalist offers Cousin Max her rose.
The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party offers Fireman Grant her rose.
Token Single Mom offers Sweaty McMoansalot her rose.
The Twins offer NO ONE THEIR ROSES. They are done here, and they are taking Dooficer, Non-Rapey Ryan and Fireman Whathisname down with them. ADIOS, SUCKERS.
But! Before they leave, the Twins break out a pack of matches and ask to speak to Single Mom for a moment, they have a fire they need to start with her help. Alone, they explain to her that “a few people” in “Paradise” have concerns that Sweaty’s intentions aren’t pure, and they just want her to be cautious. “OK, BYE!” The Twins wave while running out of “Paradise” before the flames can consume them, too.
Sweaty joins Single Mom who explains that The Twins told her to be suspicious of his intentions because they had it from “a source” that there was reason to be worried that he was
just using her to burnish his own image following the public relations nightmare that was Andi’s book, It’s Not OK being fake.
Sweaty takes this about as well as an over ‘roided man-ape would, and demands that everyone come down to the beach THAT INSTANT so he can YELL AT ALL OF THEM about how ONE OF THEM DISRESPECTED HIM and are TRYING TO RUIN HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH SINGLE MOM which is some BULLSHIT and why don’t they SAY IT TO HIS FACE. So Wesley Snipes raises his hand and is like, “Yeah, it was me, I told The Twins that I don’t think you’re a genuine person. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I know you’re not very bright, but, dude, we’ve been over this.”
As Single Mom flees in tears, Sweaty McMoansalot yells and spits and stomps until Wesley Snipes points out AGAIN that what Andi wrote about him was true, so he has no reason to believe that what she wrote about Sweaty isn’t true, too. Sweaty has no response to this, and instead declares that WESLEY BETTER HOPE THAT EVERYTHING IS OK BETWEEN HIMSELF AND SINGLE MOM. Wesley Snipes, to his great credit — credit I am extremely stingy with on these shows — asks the sweating galoot, “Or what?”
With that, Sweaty runs down the beach after Single Mom.
Once he catches up with her, Sweaty makes a big production of packing his bags, because if she doesn’t want to be with him after all this, he’ll just GO HOME. Single Mom, after explaining that she’s been in “bad relationships” before, and therefore is a “good judge of character,” tells Sweaty that she trusts him and convinces him to stay.
The next morning, All-4-Wells is the first up and completely alone when the next new arrival comes in: Jami, or “Canadian Bacon” as I so cleverly called her because … wait for it … she’s from Canada. I don’t know where the genius comes from either, folks.
Canadian Bacon here is THRILLED to see that All-4-Wells is alone, because he’s who she’d been hoping to meet anyway. She promptly asks him to go on her date with him, and he promptly accepts. And they run off before Khaste Kardashian can wake up and FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
On their date, they drive a dune buggy and talk about Batman, it’s not even worth discussing. Except for one point: Why is it on Bachelor in Paradise that even when it’s the lady reject’s date, the man reject is the one who gets to drive the dune buggy? Why couldn’t Canadian Bacon drive the dune buggy? What’s the harm in letting her take the wheel, Producers? HMMM?
The few rejects who were awake when All-4-Wells and Canadian Bacon left are in a complete panic, worried what Khaste is going to do once she wakes up and discovers All-4-Wells has gone on a date. Commit Hari Kari? Kill them all with machete? Finish what The Twins started and burn the whole place down? Sic her murder parrot on everyone?
Once Khaste does wake up, Wesley and Flipper take her aside and very gently explain that All-4-Wells went on a date with another woman while she was asleep, and Khaste is like, “Oh, OK, that’s cool.”
Khaste insists she’s totally fine and she’s not worried and All-4-Wells is going to come back and realize that he likes her better and it’s all good guys, it’s a whole new Khaste Kardashian!
And the first thing the All New Khaste Kardashian does is take Fatalist aside to let her know that while she might be receiving Cousin Max’s roses, Khaste is Cousin Max’s “main girl.” Everything is different, nothing has changed.
Khaste explains to Fatalist that she’s totally not jealous of her, totally, every ounce of jealousy has “left [her] body,” before telling Fatalist that she’ll never trust her and thinks Fatalist should just go home already.
“Noted,” says Fatalist who decides that she doesn’t need any of this bullshit anymore and goes to find Cousin Max to inform him she’s going home.
August 30, 2016
Fatalist explains to Cousin Max that she just can’t take being Khaste’s punching bag any longer, so she’s packing her hair dryer and volumizer and leaving. Cousin Max asks if he can leave with her, and she’s like, “I mean, I guess. If you want. Whatever.” So he asks for a few minutes to talk this over with Khaste, but Fatalist is like, “Dude, I am not waiting for you. I am leaving now. Like, NOW now.”
While Fatalist packs, Cousin Max finds Khaste Kardashian and explains that Fatalist just left because of Khate’s craziness, SO THANKS. Khaste begins sobbing, and claims that she didn’t confront Fatalist to “destroy” Cousin Max. And Cousin Max being Cousin Max, he hugs her and lets her cry for a while before being like, “and by the way, I’m leaving with her.”
In a big romantic gesture, Cousin Max chases down Fatalist’s Vaya Con Dios SUV and rides off with her to some grand future without Khaste Kardashian lurking around every corner, sobbing.
Spoiler alert: They broke up 6 weeks later.
Later that evening, All-4-Wells and Canadian Bacon return from their date, holding hands, and Khaste Kardashian keeps her cool. Canadian Bacon goes on and on and on about what a wonderful date it was, and Khaste Kardashian keeps her cool. All-4-Wells takes Khaste aside to apologize for not talking with her before going on the date with Canadian Bacon and Khaste Kardashian … keeps … her … cool. Even Khaste can’t believe how well Khaste is behaving.
WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH KHASTE KARDASHIAN?
The next morning, the newest reject arrives: Lauren H. or “Lauren #87” as I called her because she was literally the 87th Lauren on Bachelor Ben’s season. Literally. That is a literal fact.
Lauren #87 is soon followed by Shushanna or “Yakov Smirnov” as I called her, because she was Russian. That’s it. That’s the only reason. I hereby declare that “Natasha” as in “Boris and” her new nickname.
The two new rejects soon realize they are being sent on a double date, so Lauren #87 invites The Lamp Guy, and Natasha invites All-4-Wells to Canadian Bacon and Khaste’s great disappointment. In fact, Khaste becomes rather nasty again, and calls calls Natasha “Euro trash” and a “Russian hooker.” And I’m not saying Khaste is a racist — I don’t know what lies in Khaste Kardashian’s heart — but it’s almost as if Khaste didn’t feel as threatened by the hot mixed race girl as she did by the hot white girl. Hmmm.
For their date, the foursome go into town and take surfing lessons which is mostly an excuse for the Producers to bring out Olivia Munn Wannabe’s black box and slap it all over Natasha’s bikinied ass.
Meanwhile, back in “Paradise,” the black box is also being deployed to protect us from another of Boner’s boners, saints and black boxes preserve us, and Wesley Snipes tries to warn Khaste that she needs to be prepared in the event that All-4-Wells doesn’t choose her at the rose ceremony. She’s not amused.
Also, Single Mom receives a date card and she and Sweaty go out for dinner where they mumble and squeak nonsense at each other, culminating in Sweaty telling her that she is his best friend (in “Paradise” which is not saying a whole lot, let’s be honest) and that he is falling in love with her. They then gape at a bunch of fireworks.
Production fact: What would normally go towards the helicopter budget on a season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette goes exclusively towards fireworks on Bachelor in Paradise.
Back in “Paradise,” the double date returns and Khaste and Canadian Bacon proceed to throw themselves at All-4-Wells in one last desperate attempt to secure his rose by shoving their tongues down his throat. All-4-Wells simultaneously can not believe his good luck and is EXTREMELY NERVOUS and, honestly, who can blame him.
|YOUR GUIDE TO THE STUPID NICKNAMES|
|Amanda||Token Single Mom|
|Brett||The Lamp Guy|
|Lace||The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party|
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. Send tequila.