Bachelor in Paradise
August 8, 2016
Bachelor in Paradise ended its first episode with a big cliffhanger: would “Hurricane Chad” just take his lunch meats and go, or would he attack the robe-wearing, mimosa-drinking Chris Harrison on his way out? DRAMA!
Except not so much. As we begin the second episode, The Chad suggests that Chris Harrison go fuck himself, before loading up in the Go Away Now van, where he pours himself a red keg cup of whiskey and talks about how the women in “Paradise” were “vibing on [his] meat tastes.” “Vibing on My Meat Tastes” is going to be the title of my first album.
Oh, how I’ll miss you, you shiny reality television diamond. (Although, not for terribly long. The Chad appeared on “After Paradise,” which I watch BUT SHALL NEVER BLOG, where his facial hair was so thick, I wondered if he’s not actually a werewolf. I’m just saying it would explain a lot of things.)
Back at “Paradise,” the rest of the Rejects celebrate having survived Hurricane Chad, but the tiny hamster wheels in their brains start slowly turning, and they realize that The Chad’s departure means one less rose for a woman there. Carly invokes what shall now be known as the Latrice Royale Rule:
But it falls on deaf Producer ears, as the newest Reject totters into “Paradise”: Leah, from Bachelor Ben’s season, or “John Elway” as I called her after she spiked a football at Ben’s head on her first night in the McMansion. The Twins immediately notice that Leah looks … different since they last saw her.
Does Dr. Rose do lip implants?
John Elway, armed with a date card, has her sights set on one Reject: The Chad for God only knows what reason. The other Rejects inform her of his unexpected departure, so she instead turns her attention to Wesley Snipes, to our Token Single Mom’s dismay. And Wesley Snipes agrees to join her on the date, if only to get out of the hotel for a brief while.
And so they go on their date which involves doing tequila shots at un “Festival de Margaritas,” and half-heartedly kissing on the beach at sunset.
Meanwhile, back in “Paradise,” the Producers make the Twins fellate some bananas, Token Single Mom pouts about Wesley Snipes going on a date with John Elway, and Fireman Grant and The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party decide to pretend that The Chad never happened.
When Wesley Snipes and John Elway return to “Paradise,” Wesley Snipes is greeted with a date card of his own: “Wesley Snipes: There are no rules in ‘Paradise.’ Your next date is tonight.” John Elway, who is an idiot and has no idea how any of this works, is SO EXCITED! to be going on back-to-back dates, only to be genuinely shocked and bummed when Wesley Snipes chooses Token Single Mom to be his date.
John Elway is so shocked and bummed, in fact, she follows Token Single Mom back to her room while she gets ready and starts pointing out how she has all the same makeup as Single Mom and the same sock in the exact same color and in fact, they look alike, right? LIKE, THEY TOTALLY HAVE SIMILAR LOOKS.
But Token Single (White) Mom doesn’t even care, and heads out on her generic dinner date with Wesley Snipes where she seems to have a lovely time and they cap the night by chewing on one another’s tongues for a while.
Back in “Paradise,” John Elway cries herself to sleep. It’s very tragic.
Elsewhere, Boner and Carly are attracted to one another … but then they kiss. Boner describes the kiss — bless him, he literally says this — as “butterflies and explosions.” Carly, in contrast, calls the kiss “so terrible,” and “very bad,” and wonders “how he has two children.” Romance!
As for Fireman Grant and The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party, they head to the charmingly-named “boom boom room” where they attempt — and fail — to cover the cameras while trying to make two children of their own.
The next night is the first rose ceremony, and the Lady Rejects are CRAZY NERVOUS. During the crucial cocktail portion of the evening, G.I. Jane all but begs Cousin Max for his rose; Buster decides she has nothing to lose and makes out with Toasted; and after talking shit about single mothers being needy and desperate, John Elway takes Wesley Snipes aside to ask him if he’ll offer her his rose, only to be told — in no uncertain terms — NOPE. Meanwhile, Dooficer has become the hot commodity in “Paradise,” as he’s the only Man Reject who hasn’t promised his rose already, so the Lady Rejects who aren’t already guaranteed a rose have to make nice with this maple-syrup-flavoured moron.
Finally, rose ceremony time arrives and the Rejects line up to learn their fates:
Fireman Grant offers The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party his rose.
Wesley Snipes offers Token Single Mom his rose.
Boner offers Carly his rose.
Cousin Max offers Twin #1 his rose, automatically saving Twin #2.
Toasted offers Onesie his rose.
Dooficer offers Buster his rose.
Which means, adios, G.I. Jane. You really do seem like a nice girl who needs to find love somewhere outside of the Bachelor universe, and thank you for your service to our country. And adios, John Elway. Tell your plastic surgeon we said, “hey.”
The next morning, just as Wesley Snipes is settling into his new relationship with Token Single Mom, in walks the newest Reject: Josh Murray, or Winner Josh, as I called him when he was on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette, which he won. Hence the name.
However! After being formally engaged for about nine months, Josh and Andi broke up, and on bad enough terms that Andi went and wrote herself a tell-all where she called her relationship with Josh, “without question the most volatile and fucked-up relationship of my life.” She wrote that Josh was emotionally manipulative, and was so jealous of the fact that she had sex with Wesley Snipes in the fantasy suites, that he called her a “whore” and it led to their breakup.
What I’m saying here is that Josh and Wesley Snipes have a past, and Josh Murray is literally the last person Wesley Snipes wanted to see in “Paradise.” Like, I think he’d be happier to have seen a single Ryan Gosling of Kaitlyn’s season enter “Paradise” than to see this walking shit-eating grin.
And so Josh walks in bearing a date card and makes a beeline for Token Single Mom, who, to Wesley Snipes eternal disappointment (and my profound glee), agrees to go on a date with him after Josh tells her about his dog’s leg amputation. “HAW HAW!” says Josh.
While Wesley Snipes sits and seethes in “Paradise,” Josh and Token Single Mom go out on a sailboat, where they talk a little about Wesley Snipes and the fact that he offered Token Single Mom his rose just the night before. Then, clearly armed with information from the Producers, Token Single Mom asks Josh about Andi’s book, and Josh is like, “Naw, those were all lies. Don’t even worry about it. HAW HAW!” And that’s enough for Token Single Mom who promptly begins chewing on Josh’s giant face.
Back at “Paradise,” Wesley Snipes also discusses Andi’s book in which she revealed that in the fantasy suites he asked her: “Would you rather make love or fuck?” To which she replied, “Uhhhh… make love?”
Wesley Snipes admits to Dooficer of all people that what Andi wrote about him — without revealing exactly what that was — was accurate. And if she was truthful about him, then she was probably truthful about Josh. And if she was truthful about Josh, Wesley Snipes is concerned that Token Single Mom might get hurt. Meanwhile, Token Single Mom has exactly zero concerns about being hurt by Josh or his tongue which is firmly planted down her throat, where it remains for the rest of this, and the next episode.
Elsewhere in “Paradise,” Carly talks about how Boner, ironically enough, gives her “ED,” and insinuates he’s gay. And that’s when the Producers slip Boner a date card because they’ve got a reality show to run here, people. Boner asks Carly to join him on the date, and against her better judgment, she agrees.
The pair are taken to that one fancy hotel in Sayulita where they are greeted by Chris Harrison, cheering crowds, a Guinness Book of World Records judge, some circus clowns, a bunch of glitter and a plate of Habanero peppers. The plan is Carly and Boner are going to break the world record for “Longest, Hottest Habanero Kiss Ever,” which I am almost 100% certain is not an actual world record set by anyone. But they agree to this nonsense, and proceed to eat a plate of Habanero peppers before holding a completely unromantic, asexual, eye-watering, snot-moistening “kiss” for some 101 seconds. Congratulations?
Carly then throws up for five minutes straight, presumably not just from the Habanero.
Back in “Paradise,” Cousin Max and Twin #1 have what would be a super deep conversation for a pair of dimwitted toddlers. THIS IS VERBATIM:
Cousin Max: What’s your favorite color?
Twin #1: Blue. What’s yours?
Cousin Max: Blue. What’s your favorite number?
Twin #1: 13. What’s yours?
Cousin Max: 15.
After some scintillating talk about laser tag, Twin #1 crawls on top of Cousin Max and begins chomping on his mouth. True love!
Oh and Josh and Token Single Mom return from their date and plant themselves on one of those beach beds directly in front of Wesley Snipes where they proceed to suck on one other’s faces and moan and moan and moan and moan just to make sure Wesley Snipes gets the message.
He gets the message.
In related news, trying to come up with a different turn of phrase than “suck on one another’s faces,” I was trying to remember the name of a particular movie monster that attacks people via their faces. Unfortunately, I googled “face sucking monster.”
We then end with The Twins counting Dooficer’s many many abs, and talking about how he has bigger boobs than they do. Dooficer + The Twins is officially my new ship.
Bachelor in Paradise
August 9, 2016
We begin the next episode with Dooficer counting his own abs, bless him. And then we spend a bunch much time rehashing the whole Josh-Token Single Mom-Wesley Snipes triangle, because it’s so complicated to keep track of: See, Wesley Snipes went out on a date with Token Single Mom, but then Token Single Mom went out on a date with Josh, and now she’s lampreyed onto his face. The end.
Our next reject arrives, Christian from Jojo’s season, whom I called “Mr. Intensity,” because in his video introduction package on the first episode of The Bachelorette, he was SUPER INTENSE about his SUPER INTENSE WORKOUT and SUPER INTENSE LIFESTYLE which is INTENSE. SUPER INTENSE.
Like all new Rejects, Mr. Intensity has a date card, and he invites Buster to join him. Having barely made it through the last rose ceremony, Buster happily agrees, and the pair go on an appropriately INTENSE date involving zip lining and rappelling and waterfalls all of which is even more INTENSE seeing as Buster only has one usable arm.
Back in “Paradise,” Carly, now recovered from both having eaten Habanero peppers and kissing Boner, decides that she has to be honest with him and the fact that he makes her literally sick to her stomach. So Carly takes Boner aside and tells him that she just wants to be friends, ok, goodbye.
Boner takes the news hard, and retreats back to his room where, sniffling, he contemplates just packing up all his sleeveless t-shirts and going back to Tennessee, before settling on a much, much, much, much, much worse idea: he’s going to 1. write his own date card and then 2. ask Token Single Mom, who has still not detached herself from Josh’s face, to join him on this fake date.
Meanwhile, yet another rejected shaved man-ape arrives, Brandon from Desiree’s season, and Chris Harrison has no idea who he is, or even if he’s really ever been on The Bachelorette before. Full disclosure, neither did I. But I went back to an old “Desiree’s Rejected Bachelors” gallery, and there he was, Mr. “7-Years-Sober,” who tried to give Princess Desiree his mother’s 7 Years Sober coin on his first night in the Bachelor McMansion which is just a weird thing to do for SO MANY REASONS.
When 7-Years-Sober enters “Paradise,” he has to explain who he is to the very confused Rejects, and Carly exclaims, “You were on the same season as my brother, Zak!” AND OH MY GOD HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT CARLY AND NIPPLES, JR. WERE SIBLINGS? I feel like that is something as someone who has spent waaaaay too many years of her life writing about these terrible shows would have known. I should surrender my Bachelor Nation passport. But, ha ha, I won’t because BACHELOR NATION IS NOT A THING.
Anyway 7-Years-a-Stranger here asks Twin #2 to go on his date with him, and she happily agrees. Meanwhile, Twin #1 gets drunk off a half shot of tequila and starts crying when the other girls braid her hair, just a walking embodiment of “White Girl Drunk.”
When Buster and Mr. Intensity return from their date, Dooficer finds that he’s
worried she won’t give him a rose “jealous,” and takes Buster aside for some champagne and small talk but no kissing because he doesn’t want to give her the Zika virus. Buster giggles a lot.
Meanwhile, Twin #2, having sobered up, sneaks onto Twin #1’s date with 7-Years-a-Stranger, to test to see if he can tell them apart, because there’s no better way to start a relationship off on a foundation of trust and goodwill than by Parent Trapping someone! Halfway through the date, the Twins swap clothes and Twin #2 takes her sister’s place. Shockingly, having known Twin #1 for all of 45 minutes, 7-Years-a-Stranger doesn’t seem to notice.
Back at “Paradise,” Boner sets up a surf and turf meal for himself and Token Single Mom before marching outside to try to pry her off of Josh for a hot second so she can reject his date offer. Which is what I assume happens — the episode actually ends before he can invite her on this ill-advised fake date. But considering the postscript has Boner and Cousin Max sitting in front of said surf and turf meals, trying and failing spectacularly to come up with the,”Two woods diverged in the wood” line from Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken,” I think it’s a safe bet.
Y’ALL, THIS IS AN ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT:
Cousin Max: What’s that saying, go where it’s the … um … the uh … more difficult route is the one … like … the uh … the easy route is …
Boner: Two roads divulged in the wood and … wait, two roads divulged into a yellow road or something …
Cousin Max: I feel like the … what is that … take the one less traveled …
Boner: Yeah, take the one less traveled, but I’ve obliterated the quote. Thoreau.
Y’ALL, THIS IS MY ACTUAL FACE:
|YOUR GUIDE TO THE STUPID NICKNAMES|
|Amanda||Token Single Mom|
|Lace||The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party|
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and I’ll have a lot more time for it, saints preserve me, as soon as these Olympics are over and done with.