July 14, 2014
HELLO, I’M BACK, EVERYONE CALM DOWN.
Well, hi there! Long time, no blog! So, it being the summer, I went on a vacation with my family two weeks ago (for the curious, we drove from San Francisco to Vancouver, stopping to visit friends and harass sea life). During my trip, I received some worried emails from a few of you, concerned that I had altogether given up on this God-forsaken show. While the idea of just throwing up my hands and running straight into the Pacific ocean so as to never again write about rose ceremonies or helicopter dates or fantasy suites or “journeys” certainly has its appeal, I’m afraid you’re not going to get rid of me that easily.
Alright, so what did I miss? The Fantasy Suites and The Men Tell All? So, nothing. I missed essentially nothing but a few boring beach dates that everyone tries to pretend are something more than just awkward preludes to some nookie and some boring interviews with dudes none of us even remember anymore? Cool.
So, because I didn’t miss much, let’s agree to race through these last two episodes so that we are all caught up in time for the finale on Monday, deal? Deal.
For the gross, gross, try-not-to-think-about-how-gross-they-are Fantasy Suites and ultimately the Final Rose Ceremony, we are decamped to the Dominican Republic. There, Andi wanders around in a bikini on the beach, trying to look like she’s thinking really hard about the three remaining men, Wesley Snipes, Winner Josh and Farmer Teeth.
Remember when Winner Josh was in Belgium? Remember when Winner Josh dressed up like a member of Boyz II Men and wore a baseball cap backwards? Remember when they played football in Winner Josh’s family’s front yard because The Chosen One was about to be drafted to the NFL? Remember there was a dog?
Remember that time Farmer Teeth wore a bowtie? Remember when Farmer Teeth attempted to mime? Remember when Farmer Teeth made Andi drive a tractor? Remember when Farmer Teeth and Andi did some stupid Ghost cosplay?
Remember when Wesley Snipes wore an ill-fitting tuxedo to dinner that one time? Remember when Wesley Snipes said being with Andi was “awesome?” Remember when Wesley Snipes wrote her that dumb poem?
Quite the journey so far.
First up for the Fantasy Suites: Wesley Snipes. Before he arrives, Andi pretends that she has some “concerns” about Wesley Snipes, something about how his family told her that he took his previous breakups rather poorly. You know, as young adults sometimes do when they are DUMPED by their FIANCÉS. This very well might be the dumbest manufactured drama The Producers have come up with yet this season. Bravo, guys.
Andi and Wesley Snipes are spirited away in a helicopter to a private island, which is one of your three classic Fantasy Suite dates (Private Island; Wandering Around the Town Center, Interacting with the Natives; Yacht). Wesley Snipes assures us that he’s been wanting to tell Andi that he TV loves her since they were in Belgium, and he’s pretty sure this, the nasty, nasty Fantasy Suite date, is the perfect time to tell her that he is in TV love with her. But first, there’s some frolicking to be done on the island, and some grinding to be done in the water, all the while with Andi insisting that “everything” about Wesley Snipes is “passionate.”
Back on the beach, Andi mentions to Wesley Snipes that his family told her that he didn’t handle previous breakups very well, and Wesley Snipes brushes it off: he was engaged to be married, she broke it off, it was embarrassing, how did people expect him to take it? That bit of business out of the way, Wesley Snipes decides that now is the time to tell Andi that he is falling in TV love with her, but instead says (and this is verbatim): “Uh, uh, yeah,” and “So, um, yeah,” and “Whatever.” Quite the charmer. I now totally understand the “mental connection” Andi keeps declaring that the two of them share.
Over dinner, Andi demands that Wesley Snipes tell her an embarrassing story about himself, but the best he can do is tell her that he is “quirky” and has a “child-like sense of wonder.”
For reasons that are not evident, this does not cause Andi to send him home immediately. Wesley Snipes then pulls out a picture book that he apparently wrote and illustrated with some crayons, telling the fairy tale of Princess Andi (stop) and her magical love flowers (STOP) and a lucky prince that she took on a hike this one time (THAT’S ENOUGH, STOP). Wesley Snipes explains that the book, such as it is, is his way of telling her that he is in TV love with her. And with that, Andi offers him the Fantasy Suite card and access to her magical love flower. (I’m kinda sorry, but not really.)
Next Fantasy Suite Date: Winner Josh. Andi meets Winner Josh for classic Fantasy Suite Date #2, “Wandering Around the Town Center, Interacting with the Natives.” The pair wander the streets, drink sugar cane juice, try some street aphrodisiacs (always a good idea) which Winner Josh and Andi joke that she’ll be thanking the vendors for later (GROSS GROSS NO GROSS), and then go play baseball with some native children, all the while Winner Josh laughs that horse laugh of his and yells things like, “ALRIGHT!” and “YEAH!” and “HAW HAW!” and “ALRIGHT!”
He is exhausting.
That evening, they have dinner and discuss how Winner Josh is NOT a cocky athlete, quit assuming that he is, you guys, and what they would be like as parents. (“Loving” and “attentive,” and not hateful and neglectful, shockingly enough.) Andi then worries at Winner Josh that he is just too happy-go-lucky and does not have the capacity to be serious. “I JUST LOVE LIFE SO MUCH!” Winner Josh bellows at her. “BUT I CAN BE SERIOUS! I CAN TALK ABOUT SERIOUS BUSINESS THINGS, TOO!” he yawps at Andi. Good enough! Andi decides, gazing at his biceps and cement block jaw. And with that she offers Winner Josh the Fantasy Suite card to go take care of some other serious business.
Final Fantasy Suite Date: Farmer Teeth. Andi has gone off the books and chosen an unconventional Fantasy Suite date for Farmer Teeth: horseback riding on a boring ox ranch because he’s a farmer, I guess? Of course, if I were a farmer who spends most of my time trapped in land-locked Iowa, I’d prefer to spend my precious time outside of Iowa on a gorgeous beach or meeting people who aren’t lilly-white, but maybe that’s just me. Before Farmer Teeth even arrives, Andi is already saying that she just isn’t sure she wants to spend the night with him because
Iowa reasons. This does not bode well for Farmer Teeth.
But Andi goes through the motions anyway, which involve her riding a horse. Awkwardly.
They also marvel at the “1930s” methods of hand-farming by the locals which manages to be both 1. culturally insensitive and 2. INCREDIBLY BORING. The pair then stop for a picnic where they discuss Andi’s visit with the Teeth family before playing another stupid round of what is clearly hide-and-go-seek but which Farmer Teeth keeps insisting on calling “ghost in the graveyard.” THERE ARE NO GHOSTS. THERE IS NO GRAVEYARD. STOP CALLING IT THAT. ALSO, TOO, YOU ARE IN YOUR LATE 20s. ENOUGH WITH THE KINDERGARTNERS’ GAMES. TRY “CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY” OR SPADES OR EVEN TRUTH OR DARE OR SOMETHING THAT EVEN A 14-YEAR-OLD MIGHT WANT TO PLAY. BUT SERIOUSLY THOUGH.
That evening, the pair meet for dinner and Farmer Teeth cuts right to the Iowa chase — not that he wants to “beat a dead horse”
— but he’s curious as to where she is on the topic. Andi notes that while it was fun to ride a tractor, is that enough reason to move to Iowa? (Spoiler alert: NOPE.) Farmer Teeth, bless him, tries to claim that there are “lots of opportunities for smart attorneys in Iowa,” which Andi meets with this face:
In fact, she pretty much makes that face for the rest of the night as she tells Farmer Teeth that it is time for him to go back to Iowa, she will not be offering him the Fantasy Suite card tonight. It’s not because of Iowa! she tries to claim, it’s because she just doesn’t have feelings for him. Although, come on, it’s totally because of Iowa and Andi picturing a life trapped on a farm in the middle of NOWHERE, enduring fart jokes and endless games of
ghost in the graveyard hide-and-go-seek with wholesome toothy midwesterners.
And so Andi loads Farmer Teeth up into The Next Season’s Bachelor SUV of Temporary Sadness and sends him back to Iowa.
At least until this fall when he will move back to the Bachelor compound to date 25 women who have no higher ambitions in this life aside from being a reality star/possible farm frau.
The next day, Andi visits with Chris Harrison to explain that as far as Farmer Teeth is concerned, she’s sorry not sorry, come on, he lives in Iowa for crying out loud. As for the other two guys, she’s going to go ahead with a rose ceremony because
they have to fill up two hours somehow this is a two-way street, and she wants Wesley Snipes and Winner Josh to feel like they have some agency in this, too. Or something.
So Chris Harrison brings the men out and announces that Farmer Teeth is already busy back in Iowa, packing his bags for the next season of The Bachelor, so it’s just the two of them remaining. And then Andi appears for the blessedly last rose ceremony:
Rose #1: Wesley Snipes
Rose #2: Winner Josh
Which they both accept, uh duh. NOW ONTO SOME OF THE MEN WHO WE KINDA REMEMBER TELL “ALL,” SPECIAL! Thanks for being patient with me!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.