“The Men Tell All”
July 21, 2014
I’m not going to spend a bunch of time complaining about the insipid Women/Men Tell All specials. You know they are dumb, I know they are dumb, they themselves seem to recognize that they are dumb, what with the endless montages and pitiful blooper reels and the constant shilling for the upcoming next installment of the never-ending Bachelor franchise and the eliminated contestants jockeying for one last zinger or opportunity to air some petty grievance before being forgotten in the crowded waste bin of past reality television “stars” forever. We all know it’s a waste of time.
For example, we spend literally the first 20 minutes of this two-hour special, talking to a very pregnant Dr. Tube Socks and J.P. about the fact that she is pregnant, gawping and cooing over her as if she were the first woman to ever find herself in this condition. The Producers go so far as to wheel out an ultrasound machine and technician, gel Dr. Tube Socks up and probe her belly for five minutes until the big reveal that she is carrying a boy is made. LET ME REMIND YOU THAT THESE PEOPLE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE. NOTHING. NOT. ONE. THING. They weren’t on this season, and Dr. Tube Socks’ eliminated bachelors weren’t one of the ones who eliminated Andi to bring us all here today. (Here’s your genealogy: Dr. Tube Socks eliminated Ben the Wine Dude who went on to become the next Bachelor. However, the next Bachelorette was not one of Ben the Wine Dude’s eliminated bachelorettes, but instead The Producers brought back St. Emily who had been chosen over Dr. Tube Socks by Wombat. But soon after the show ended, St. Emily and Wombat broke up despite the fact that he swore up and down that he had dealt with his daddy issues already. He hadn’t. St. Emily chose that little fella with the skateboard over Dallas Sean who became the next Bachelor. Dallas Sean, in turn, sent Princess Desiree home after her brother went psycho on him that one time. Princess Desiree, having sensed something that The Producers clearly did not, sent Juan Pablo home after only six episodes, and he went on to become the Bachelor on whose season Andi self-eliminated. So, technically, Dr. Tube Socks and Andi have nothing to do with each other thanks to the St. Emily intrusion into the lineage.) THE POINT IS, DR. TUBE SOCKS AND J.P. AND THEIR UNBORN CHILD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS SEASON. WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?
That obstetrical examination taken care of, we go on to the next piece of Bachelor business that, to its marginal credit, has slightly more to do with this particular season of The Bachelorette: the new series Bachelor in Paradise, which will begin just as soon as Andi gives Winner Josh the final rose on Monday. At least Bachelor in Paradise will star some of the eliminated bachelors from Andi’s season, including that Texas Polish guy with the weird accent, CODY! and Cookie Monster. We are “treated” to a sneak preview, before revealing that horrible Chris guy who showed up at the beginning of Andi’s season, which was CERTAINLY NOT a publicity stunt for this new series, why would you even think that, you cynical monster? is in the audience along with fellow Bachelor in Paradise cast members Michele The Original Villainess, someone named Graham and Buster from Dallas Sean’s season. Super.
We FINALLY turn our attention to this season of The Bachelorette, and bring out the eliminated losers: Fireman Carl, The Lamp Thief, D-Bag Twin #1, D-Bag Twin #2, Pavarotti, Ron, Craig (Oh, Craig, no), Arnold Palmer, Franck Eggelhoffer, Bill the Pants Guy, Cookie Monster, CODY!, Gordon Gekko, Coach, Texan Pole, and Farmer Teeth. They are all wearing scarves for some inconceivable reason. I think it’s supposed to be a joke, but I am unclear what the punchline is.
There is a montage because there is always a montage, and then Chris Harrison dives right into the racism pot, asking Cookie Monster about D-Bag Twin #1’s comment about Andi giving roses to both the “blackies” or “black guys,” depending on which insulting phrasing you’d prefer. Cookie Monster explains, again, that he was taken aback by the comment, but that he relied on his faith to take a calm, measured approach to the situation. Ron notes that Cookie Monster handled the situation like a gentleman, and adds that his response was a testament to his character. And that’s when D-Bag Twin #1 decides that he needs to be heard, also agreeing that Cookie Monster approached the situation with class, but let’s not forget who the real victim was here: D-Bag Twin #1, against whom Bill the Pants Guy clearly had an agenda. Cookie Monster, being the awesome Cookie Monster that he is, calmly stops D-Bag Twin #1 in his tracks and orders him to stick to the subject at hand.
At this point, Chris Harrison announces that they have video of the moment in question, and while there is no audio to corroborate what is being said, D-Bag Twin #1 CLEARLY leans over to say something to Bill the Pants Guy right after Ron receives his rose. Hilariously, Arnold Palmer — whom no one even remembers being on this show — attempts to make himself relevant by telling Chris Harrison that he did hear people saying something during the rose ceremony, so there you have it.
But Chris Harrison isn’t interested in what Arnold Palmer didn’t hear, he wants to know what D-Bag Twin #1 said. D-Bag Twin #1 tries out the lie that he said something along the lines of “This is a long night, I wonder when we will be done here,” which no one is buying. Bill the Pants Guy insists that he wasn’t so drunk as to mishear “This is a long night, I wonder when we will be done here” as “Oh, she gave it to the two blackies (black guys)”
In return, D-Bag Twin #1 dismisses Bill the Pants Guy because he has “spent [his] credibility,” which is certainly rich coming from him. And then Farmer Teeth, whom Bill the Pants Guy whined at one time when he received a group date rose, jumps in to criticize Bill the Pants Guy for not coming forward with D-Bag Twin #1’s awful racism the moment it happened. “Yeah!” says D-Bag Twin #1, “And also, too, this has hurt me personally and professionally!” And then some other men pile on and accuse Bill the Pants Guy of using Cookie Monster as a pawn, and not being a “man” about the whole situation.
Chris Harrison redirects the conversation away from Bill the Pants Guy and back to the comment, asking Cookie Monster whom he believes, and Cookie Monster insists that he believes Bill the Pants Guy, because he is his friend. Cookie Monster then tells D-Bag Twin #1 that he forgives him, but he will “never forgive the ignorance that is racism.” To this, D-Bag Twin #1 begins applauding, and Cookie Monster is like, “Nope.”
Cookie Monster then goes on to remind D-Bag Twin #1 that he has still not apologized for being offensive, but instead has spent all of his time in this conversation whining about how this has effected him personally. D-Bag Twin #1 insists that he is not racist, that he did not say that, but Cookie Monster and everyone else just rolls their eyes and are like, “whatever, dude.”
When we come back from the break, Chris Harrison is all about to invite Cookie Monster to come up for his montage when Bill the Pants Guy interrupts to complain that he hasn’t had a chance to defend himself against the attacks launched against him, not that he cares, because he stands by his actions. And everyone is like, “so if you don’t care, why did you wait for the cameras to turn back on to say that to us, yo?” Bill the Pants Guy has no good answer for that.
Cookie Monster finally joins Chris Harrison in the proverbial “hot seat” where we watch a montage about how adorable Cookie Monster is, and how he should be the next Bachelor, but he’s not going to be the next Bachelor because that is reserved for
a white guy Farmer Teeth. Chris Harrison then asks Cookie Monster some boring questions about being friendzoned by Andi and why he didn’t just try kissing her like everyone else, and Cookie Monster is like, “because I didn’t know that was an option?” Chris Harrison then announces that Cookie Monster has been given the consolation prize of being on Bachelor in Paradise because The Producers are pretty sure America is not ready for a black Bachelor ever yet. And then Cookie Monster leaps up, pulls out a basket of black and white cookies and begins throwing them into the squealing audience BECAUSE HE IS THE VERY BEST. GAH. COOKIE MONSTER FOREVER.
Chris Harrison then invites the awkward Texan Pole to join him where they watch a montage of Texan Pole being all creepy and stalky and handsome but mostly needy and creepy. And in conclusion, the Texan Pole was sad when Andi dumped him; will also be on Bachelor in Paradise where he will stalk some other poor woman.
Finally, Farmer Teeth joins Chris Harrison to make sad faces and talk about how he wished he could have had more time with Andi. But as long as you insist on living in Iowa, Farmer Teeth, I am pretty sure more time with Andi was going to make a difference. Chris Harrison all but confirms Farmer Teeth as the next Bachelor by wondering how Farmer Teeth is going to ever find love in such a small town … And that is when a woman who is most definitely NOT a plant in the audience, raises her hand for permission to ask Farmer Teeth a question. Chris Harrison invites her down, BECAUSE SURE, THAT’S REALISTIC, WE’RE JUST GOING TO INVITE RANDOM WOMEN TO COME INTERRUPT THE SHOW WE’RE TRYING TO TAPE HERE, ABSOLUTELY, WHY NOT, CAN’T SEE A PROBLEM WITH THAT AT ALL. This completely random, not an actress lady from the audience explains that she is also from a small town and wonders if Farmer Teeth really thinks that he will find someone to love in Iowa. Chris Harrison asks if this is her way of asking Farmer Teeth out and she’s like, “YEP!” and so Chris Harrison invites them to talk to each other over the commercial break and have a “speed date” and in conclusion, none of this is real, everything is fake, nothing has meaning, forever and ever, amen.
Finally, Andi comes to the stage to face withering questions from the men like: “Why not me?” and “But, why not me?” “BECAUSE.” Andi replies, and to her credit, that is that.
Chris Harrison then brings up a tabloid rumor that Andi is pregnant with a Fantasy Suite baby, a story that The Producers most definitely did not plant just to have something to fill out this stupid special, and Chris Harrison offers to wheel the ultrasound machine back out, and I just, I can’t. I can not with this show anymore.
Finally, we get to something vaguely interesting: Chris Harrison has the lie detector test results from Italy, and he is going to read them over the men’s protests. Chris Harrison reveals that three of the six men on the date told no lies: Coach, Bill the Pants Guy and Farmer Teeth. However, three of the men did lie: the Texan Pole, Gordon Gekko and Winner Josh. And things JUST GOT INTERESTING.
The Texan Pole lied when he said that he had slept with fewer than 20 women, which go on with your creepy self, Texan Pole.
Gordon Gekko lied twice: 1. about preferring brunettes and 2. about being ready for marriage.
As for Winner Josh, he also lied twice, which is interesting when you remember just HOW FREAKED OUT he was about the lie detector in the first place. However, Andi stops Chris Harrison from reading what, exactly, Winner Josh lied about, which pretty much confirms that he’s her ultimate choice, right? Because if she didn’t choose him, then who cares about breaching the trust that she already established with him in the first place by not reading his results the first time around? Right? I think I’m right about this. And so now we’ll never know what Winner Josh was lying about. But I bet it was something good.
And then there is a blooper reel, but I don’t do blooper reels, I don’t get paid enough for that nonsense.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. This Monday will be the finale in which Andi will choose Winner Josh, because there is no way she’s choosing that little ferret-faced Wesley Snipes. No chance.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.