‘Real Housewives of New Jersey:’ Rumor has it

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
July 27, 2014

So the Follettos are breaking into the trash business, except it’s not trash trash, but government document disposal, a service that I’m sure the Meatballs could have made use of a few years ago. ZING. For some reason, this paper mulching business requires a multi-million dollar investment on Folletto’s part, an investment that will delay the construction of their next Fancy Mansion. So you might want to look into turning one of those rental closets into a temporary recording studio and breaking a few sinks, Melissa, you’re going to be staying a while.

Amber and her husband Jimmy have dinner with their passel of children: Mascarpone and Scampi from Jimmy’s previous marriage and little Cugine and Insalata, who are Amber’s biological children. Over dinner, Jimmy announces that the familia is going to film another commercial for his mortgage business, because the world needs another chapter in the “NOW!” hair flip saga:

Also, it is very important to Jimmy and Amber that we know their children are perfect and have perfect table manners and are perfect. Aside from the nose picking.

To pay for her mounting legal bills and her Fall 2104 collection of fur vests, Teresa has stolen cousin Kathy’s idea of launching a line of Italian desserts. Hustlers gonna hustle. To score some free promotion for her desserts debut these deserts whose name I continue to refuse to include here because I AM NOT SHILLING YOUR STUPID FROZEN CANNOLI, TERESA, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, Teresa has a photo shoot. Unsurprisingly, Mortadella completely hijacks the shoot by attacking the photographer, announcing his new name is “butthole,” yelling at him to get his “DIRTY HANDS OFF OF [HER]” and literally hissing and growling in the photographs:

Bravotv.com describes this as “adorable.” (bravotv.com)

Mortadella is nothing but pure id and fructose. A+++ parenting, Meatballs.

Teresa is also hosting a tasting festa for Dina, Melissa, Amber, her madre and her madre-in-law and some other people, who cares. Melissa rides over to the festa with Amber and asks her about the twins Tuhressa and Nicole, whom she did not have much of a chance to talk to at Amber’s festa, on account of spending most of her time at the festa being yelled at by Amber for not knowing that Amber had The Cancer. Amber informs Melissa that Nicole is dating Bobby, her husband’s best friend, now that she is “fully divorced” (as opposed to “mostly divorced” or “one-quarter divorced”), and that there had been some rumors that cheating played a factor in her “full divorce.” And then, for reasons that are unclear, Amber elaborates for Melissa that the cheating rumors were about Nicole, that she heard through the grapevine that Nicole “wrecked a familia.” But rest assured, Amber is not a gossiper; she sincerely says as much in an interview, so it must be true.

Dina, le madri, Amber and Melissa arrive at Teresa’s, where Baby Bacala runs around hopped up on sugar and mascarpone, breaking things. We are reminded that Dina is Bacala’s grandmother, and after some blah blah blah about how close she is to Teresa and il Meatballs, The Producers try to trick Dina into opening up about her relationship with Caroline. But Dina is no dummy, and so she merely narrows her eyes and informs them that she is “not going there,” you’ll have to try harder than that to get her to talk about her sorella, Producers.

But back to the tasting festa: In a display of dominance,Teresa blindfolds Melissa and shoves a bunch of tiramisu in her mouth, to Melissa’s clear displeasure. And that’s when Amber, out of nowhere, blurts out that she wants to apologize if anyone at her festa made Teresa uncomfortable. She then bursts into tears at the thought of Teresa’s bambini — THINK OF THE BAMBINI! This, in turn, makes everyone else cry, because bambini! The mess il Meatballs have made for themselves, how will it affect il meatballini?! But then, in an amazing bit of contortionism, Amber manages to twist Teresa’s ongoing legal drama into being about Amber’s battle with The Cancer, and how brave she was, and how important her familia is to her. She was very brave, everyone! Her familia is very important to her! And they all nod polite nods and smile tight smiles as it slowly dawns on them what a pain in the culo this one is going to be.


Sometime later, Tuhressa and Nicole, who were unable to attend the dessert tasting, meet il Meatballs at Angelo’s for dinner. There, Meatball tries to wrap his tiny meatball brain around the idea that the identical twins are identical despite having different hair colors. They also eat lobster. Tuhressa and Nicole inform il Meatballs that they “support” them, whatever that’s worth, and then Rino, Bobby and Meatball agree to have a guy’s night together sometime soon, the end.

Elsewhere, Amber and Melissa meet for dinner to discuss whether or not they are going to be friends again. Over dinner, they discuss important issues like women’s lib (against it); what’s more important, familia or fame (familia, duh); and whether or not Melissa knew about The Cancer, because if she KNEW about The Cancer, she should have REACHED OUT to Amber about The Cancer, SO AMBER REALLY HOPES MELISSA DIDN’T KNOWS ABOUT THE CANCER.

Back at Amber’s house, Nicole’s boyfriend Bobby comes over to hang out with Jimmy and feed the Marchese bambini forbidden ice cream. Bobby floats the idea of a “guy’s night” as discussed earlier at dinner with il Meatballs, but Jimmy is firmly AGAINST IT. Nope! Not going to happen. For one thing, Meatball and Folletto can’t be in the same room together without punching each other in the heads. But perhaps more importantly, Jimmy owns a Very Important Mortgage Business and Meatball (ALLEGEDLY) committed some Very Important Mortgage Fraud. And since Jimmy is a Very Important Mortgage Broker who does Very Important Work with the Department of Justice, he can’t very well be in the same room with a known an alleged criminal, that’s called conflict of interest, uh duh.

So “Guy’s Night” happens — plus Jeff Goldblum Jr. and Rosie, because everybody loves Rosie and we will never be, no matter how hard we try, completely free of Jeff Goldblum Jr. apparently — and minus Jimmy, lest he get his pristine hands dirty by being in the same room with an indicted fraudster. When Meatball and Folletto ask about Jimmy’s whereabouts, Bobby dances around the issue, eventually landing on, “Yous guys fight all the time, and he was worried yous would punch him in the face.” This, understandably, does not sit well with Folletto. Bobby diffuses the situation by inviting them to his upcoming “First Responders” festa, which he is holding to “bring awareness to first responders.” The idea is that everyone dresses up in sexy fireman or sexy ambulance driver or sexy 911 call operator costumes, which will then “bring awareness” to the hard and brave work these everyday heroes do. Somehow. Meatball, whose personal first responder at the moment is his defense lawyer, asks if he can dress as an attorney, but is informed that this is not an “Attorney Festa,” and they aren’t trying to bring awareness to attorneys because that would be ridiculous.

Over in Dina’s world, her daughter is rejected by NYU, despite throwing all those wish rocks into that wish pond, so Dina gives her a fancy snake bracelet which makes it all better.

Also, Dina has noted psychic James van Praagh come to her house to do a reading for Teresa and herself. Noted Psychic James van Praagh informs Dina she is in a period of “transition,” information that is patently obvious even to the dead, since Dina keeps yammering about how she’s in a transitional period in her life, what with the not-divorce and the kid headed off to college and her vanquishing of Caroline from RHONJ. Then Teresa arrives and Noted Psychic James van Praagh makes her cry by telling her that Meatball is going to meatball jail, sorry not sorry.

there i said it

Finally, Melissa meets the twins to shop for some candidiasis-inducing jeans and overpriced blouses. There, Melissa mentions that Jimmy didn’t join the other men for Guy’s Night, what was that about? Nicole explains that it was partially because he was a big scared baby and was afraid a fight could break out between Folletto and Meatball, something that presumably Melissa already heard from Folletto. But then Nicole tells Melissa the true truth: Jimmy didn’t attend Bowling Night because he couldn’t afford to be seen in public with Meatball on account of Jimmy being a Very Important Mortgage Broker and Meatball being a big lying criminal.

Melissa takes this revelation poorly, and decides to just burn it all down. “Yous know,” Melissa says to Nicole, “Amber was just telling me the other day that yous a cheating cheater who broke up a familia with your cheating. I only told yous because people once spread rumors around about me being a cheating cheater and if I was yous, I’d want to know.”

Nicole takes this revelation poorly, and begins screaming at Tuhressa that they have to go to Amber’s house RIGHT NOW, THERE IS NO TIME TO TAKE OFF, MUCH LESS PAY FOR THEIR CANDIDIASIS PANTS. THEY HAVE TO GO NOW. And so the twins scuttle off into their car to go confront Amber RIGHT NOW — or, as soon as they get $10 worth of gas — BUT JUST AS SOON AS THEY FILL UP THEIR TANK, THEY ARE GONNA TAKE AMBER DOWN — but, wait, Amber’s kids are home, because of course they’re home, where else are they going to be at 8 o’clock at night — SO THEY WILL TAKE HER DOWN AT THE FIRST RESPONDER FESTA, WHERE NICOLE IS GONNA MAKE HER APOLOGIZE AND TELL EVERYONE THERE THAT SHE LIED. Now, quick! Drive away before Amber sees yous parked outside her house! We wouldn’t want her to think yous are pazzo people acting pazzo.


The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays at 7 p.m. on Bravo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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