UNEXPECTED TWIST: War Walrus John Bolton burns it all down and all the other delicious revelations from yesterday’s Congressional testimony

Impeachment Corner!

Welcome to another day in this spiraling disaster of an administration, and settle in because shit is coming fast and furious. But before we get started — just remember: this is simple: The president blackmailed a foreign country for campaign dirt on his 2020 opponent. That’s it. That’s all that’s really happening, and he should be removed as a result toot sweet. 

SO. YESTERDAY. Fiona Hill, a former employee of the National Security Council and the White House’s expert on Russia and Ukraine (and who I GUARAN-DAMN-TEE was ignored on all issues regarding Russia and Ukraine by one Donald Josephine Trump), she testified to Congress, and she had plenty of interesting things to say.

Now, Hill wasn’t working at the NSC at the time of the actual phone call, so she wasn’t able to give any information about any quid pro quos, but she was there before the phone call. And according to people who heard the testimony, her boss, the walrus who can talk and who never met a war he didn’t love, Former National Security Advisor John Bolton, he fucking LOST IT when he found out what President Corruption and Rudy Giuliani were up to with Ukraine.

john bolton international diplomacy glory hole

Alright, so on July 10, there was a meeting in Bolton’s office with Gordon “Call Me” Sondland; Kurt Volker (the guy who gave up the text messages); Rick Perry and some Ukrainians. The Ukrainians were all hot and bothered to set up a meeting between President Zelensky and President Toddler Fingers, which Bolton didn’t want to do. Sondland gets angry and blurts out “that there was an agreement with Mr. Mulvaney that there would be a meeting if Ukraine opened up the investigations the White House was seeking.”


Bolton ends the meeting, and as everyone leaves, he tells Fiona Hill to go find out what the others are talking about.

“When she got downstairs, Mr. Sondland was talking with the Ukrainians and specifically mentioned Burisma, the Ukrainian energy firm that had Hunter Biden, the former vice president’s son, on its board.

Ms. Hill testified that she asked Mr. Sondland why he would be discussing this in front of their Ukrainian colleagues and tried to shuffle them out of the room and break things up.

At one point, Mr. Sondland mentioned Mr. Giuliani, who was involved in the discussions about a possible meeting between the two presidents.”

RIGHT, SO, Hill reports this back to Bolton who freaks out and tells her to go tell deputy White House Counsel John A. Eisenberg, and I quote: “I am not part of whatever drug deal Sondland and Mulvaney are cooking up.”

go on popcorn the it crowd.gif

Also, Hill asked Sondland — the ambassador to the European Union, which Ukraine is not a member of — why he was even involved:

He told her that he was in charge of Ukraine, a moment she compared to Secretary of State Alexander M. Haig Jr.’s declaration that he was in charge after the Ronald Reagan assassination attempt, according to those who heard the testimony.

According to whom, she asked.

The president, he answered.

jon stewart kiss delicious perfect

Also, John Bolton referred to Giuliani as a “hand grenade who’s going to blow everybody up” which is just a delicious little detail that doesn’t actually mean much.

Speaking of Rudy Giuliani, he was paid some $500,000 by Fraud Guarantee, but no one is sure exactly where the money actually came from. ~cough~Russian-tied-Ukrainian-oligarchs~cough~ (There’s an additional fun twist in all this in that Rudy is in the middle of a divorce, and his soon-to-be former wife is accusing him of hiding income from her, and for working for President OrangeGlo for free so he wouldn’t have to pay her.)

Next on stage at Testimony-palooza: George Kent, the deputy assistant secretary of state responsible for Ukraine. He’s testifying as I type this. On deck for tomorrow: Michael McKinley, the former senior adviser to Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, who quit last week; and on Thursday: Gordon “Call Me” Sondland, who has A LOT of explaining to do.

Meanwhile, President Individual #1, he and the Republicans are SO MAD that the hearings are closed and screaming about a lack of transparency. But here’s the thing, dipshits, this is an investigation, not a trial, and even though I want to watch these sessions as much as anyone, I also understand that they are closed so that your weasels can’t coordinate their lies ahead of time.

Oh, and Hunter Biden gave an interview to Good Morning America this morning where he was like, “I made a mistake, and I know it looks bad, and I promise to cut it out. But none of it was illegal, so.” I’m sure this will definitely make it all go away now.

Finally, here’s a guide to all the names I mentioned, in case you’re a little confused. (No judgment, I’m neck-deep in all of this and I still find myself being all, “Wait, who the hell is this ‘Kent?'”)

Now go buy some more popcorn, because this week is only going to become more batshit bananas.


In Actual TV News

Y’all. I don’t want to complain because God knows if the Astros don’t eventually move on to the World Series, or if they do and then lose, I’m going to feel REALLY GUILTY AND RESPONSIBLE. That said, I’m going to complain because with the Astros in the post-season, I’m behind on EVERYTHING, including the shows that I’m supposed to be recapping (and shows I never finished recapping — sorry, Bachelor in Paradise), and the shows I just enjoying watching, like Succession. But! I finally got to watch Succession’s finale last night and zomgbestshowontv. As for the big twist at the end — without SPOILERS! (but definitely spoilers in the links) — apparently, there is some theorizing that the whole thing was actually planned and Logan was in on it, hence that smile.

I disagree, as does Brian Cox.

Meanwhile, here’s an amazing one-man performance of Succession to get you through the long drought ahead of the show’s return next summer. (My husband didn’t realize this week was the season finale and was talking about how excited he was for next week’s episode. Poor baby.)

Here’s what you can anticipate from Manifest’s second season. I didn’t see any CGI wolves listed here, or vomit explosions, so count me disappointed.

The only Friends reunion you are going to get:

Netflix and Ava DuVernay are being sued for defamation by a company that created the police interrogation technique that resulted in the false confessions of the Central Park Five for how they were depicted in When They See Us. OK.

Congratulations to Margaret Atwood for winning the Booker Prize for The Testaments, her Handmaid’s Tale follow-up. She shares the prize this year with Bernardine Evaristo for Girl, Woman, Other.

Shep Smith’s hour on Fox News is going to remain hard news, rather than opinion, and until something is decided will be filled with a rotating group of anchors that will include: Bret Baier, Chris Wallace, John Roberts, Brit Hume, Shannon Bream, Bill Hemmer, Jon Scott, and Trace Gallagher.


Goddammit, LeBron James, THAT IS THE WRONG TAKE.

Get better soon, Chris Matthews!

Time’s Up

This Ronan Farrow/NBC slap fight is becoming more interesting. This article claims that NBC News Chairman Andy Lack and NBC News President Noah Oppenheim aren’t in any danger of losing their jobs over this, because “Management at NBCUniversal and Comcast are ‘not the types to react to something like this,’ says one source.” And this story in Variety claims that Oppenheim is posed to replace Lack after 2020. Which explains why he’s so desperate to not be painted by Farrow as the “villain” in this story. Good luck with that, Noah.

Meanwhile, immediately after Oppenheim spiked Ronan Farrow’s Harvey Weinstein story at NBC News, guess who reached out to NBC Universal to do some business:

Weinstein sent an email in late September 2017 proposing a home video and VOD deal to Ron Meyer, then the head of Universal Pictures and vice chairman of NBCUniversal, according to Farrow.

“I wanted to talk to you about Universal doing our home video and VOD — we’re talking to your guys and I think it’s always good to have a word from the top,” Weinstein wrote, according to Farrow’s book.

“I would love to make this work,” Meyer responded. Based on emails from former Weinstein Co. COO David Glasser that Farrow obtained, a term sheet had been drafted and submitted for approval to senior management.

And the dam at NBC is starting to break: Chris Hayes, one of MSNBC’s stars, devoted part of his show last night praising Ronan Farrow and his reporting:

All I’m saying is that the board at CBS protected Les Moonves … until they didn’t. Noah.

An additional detail from Farrow’s book that has nothing to do with NBC News: The day The Wall Street Journal called The National Enquirer for a comment on their story about how the tabloid paid Karen McDougal for her story about having an affair with President Grab ‘Em By the Pussy, the then-editor demanded that a staffer take out all of the stories they had about the Liar-in-Cheif from the safe and shred them. “Jerry George, an ex-Enquirer reporter, told Farrow that Pecker ‘killed perhaps ten fully reported stories about Trump, and nixed many more potential leads during George’s twenty-eight years at the Enquirer.’” ADD IT TO THE ARTICLES, ADAM.

Look, I think “Blurred Lines” is as catchy a song as has ever been made — but those lyrics, y’all. But I’m not here to condemn Pharrell for not getting it at first; I just welcome him to the party.


  • The Outpost has been renewed for a third season at The CW.
  • The Circle has been renewed at Channel 4 ahead of Netflix remake.


In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • Could You Survive the Movies will premiere on YouTube on October 14.
  • The Man Without Gravity will debut on Netflix on November 1.
  • Hache will debut on Netflix on November 1.


Sam Bobrick, Creator of Saved by the Bell

Harold Bloom, Legendary literary critic

Scotty Bowers, Subject of the film Scotty and the Secret History of Hollywood and famous “sex-fixer”


ASTROS! Cross all your fingers and toes, we’re going to need it. 3:08 p.m., FS1

Democratic Debate: Jesus, there are going to be 12 of them up there. 7 p.m., CNN

Arrow: Oliver returns to Starling City in the final season premiere. 8 p.m., The CW

The Purge: Four characters navigate the aftermath of the Purge. Season two premiere. 8 p.m., USA

Treadstone: Set in the Bourne universe, agents around the world “wake up” to resume deadly missions. Series premiere. 9 p.m., USA

Late Night:

  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Elton John, Taika Waititi, Thom Yorke
  • The Daily Show: Alex Wagner
  • Lights Out with David Spade: Moshe Kasher, Lara Beitz, Bella Thorne
  • Watch What Happens Live: Tamra Judge, Leeanne Locken
  • A Little Late with Lily Singh: Barbie Ferreira, Alexa Demie


TUES. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Conners
Bless This Mess
NCIS: New Orleans
CW The Flash
Mysteries Decoded
FOX The Resident
NBC The Voice
This Is Us
New Amsterdam

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