As I’m typing this, President Forever Impeached’s team is making final arguments on why he should not be removed from office and why the Senate shouldn’t even bother calling witnesses, certainly not one John Robert Bolton. They just declared their intention to be done before dinner.
Yesterday we heard from the usual suspects, Jay Sekulow and Pat Cipollone, as well as some other more curious choices, including Pam Bondi, the former Florida Attorney General who made the Trump University case go away in her state after her campaign received $25,000 from the Trumps; Alan Dershowitz, the celebrity attorney who has represented O.J. Simpson, Claus von Bulow, and Jeffrey Epstein (and who received at least a massage at Epstein’s mansion, God knows what else); and Ken Motherfucking Starr, the man who investigated Bill Clinton and argued he should be removed from office for a blowjob.
And what did this dream team argue?
- President Do Us a Favor Though didn’t do a quid pro quo.
- But even if he did, it was fine and totally legal.
- And anyway, it’s not something that you just go and impeach someone over.
- Plus, have you heard of this Hunter Biden guy? Talk about corrupt, amirite?
- Nepotism, IT’S BAD.
- Rudy who?
- Hey, you know who was the worst? That Obama was the worst.
- Also, who even knows what “abuse of power” and “obstruction of Congress” mean — they’re just words and you can’t remove a President for just words, y’all.
- And really, if you think about it, haven’t we gone too crazy with impeachment in recent decades? I mean, did y’all hear what they impeached President Clinton for? CUCKOO! (This was argued by Ken Starr because of course this was argued by Ken Starr.)
Does he know who he is? https://t.co/19IcVXtK1j
— Chris Odell (@__Chris_Odell__) January 27, 2020
It wasn’t particularly impressive or persuasive.
Joe’s epic thread on Trump’s confederacy of dunces pic.twitter.com/0k7H9UBq7T
— Morning Joe (@Morning_Joe) January 28, 2020
So what happens next? Officially, the Senate will have 16 hours of submitted written questions of either side. After that, the Senate will vote on whether to continue the trial and subpoena witnesses or whether to end the trial and vote
to acquit on whether or not to remove the President from office. On Saturday, it was looking like we would go straight to that acquittal without hearing any testimony or seeing any evidence, but then …
Sidebar: apparently, in addition to his book saying that President Individual One totally did the quid pro quo, Bolton’s book also says that he and Bill Barr had concerns that President LOVE ME, VLADIMIR! was doing personal favors for autocratic leaders, to which I say, “WELL LOOK WHO’S PAYING ATTENTION.” We have been screaming this from the rooftops since before he entered office and y’all are just catching on to this now?
Bottom line: There is still a good chance the Republicans will discover they don’t actually have spines and vote to end the trial without calling witnesses. Never underestimate their ability to do the most cowardly, least principled thing. If so, the trial could be wrapped up by the end of the week.
But! there is still a sliver of a chance that Mitt Romney, Susan Collins and two other Republicans decide that it would look REALLY BAD if they didn’t call John Bolton to testify at this point (in fact, former White House Chief of Staff John Kelly just said he believes Bolton and that there should be witnesses). If so, this thing could drag out for another week before they acquit President Guilty As Sin. Because remember, this only ends one way: President PRESIDENTIAL HARRASSMENT! is acquitted and is potentially re-elected in November.
Still, it would be great if he had to deliver next week’s State of the Union address while on trial, wouldn’t it?
In Other TV News
The President of the United States is having a temper tantrum after Fox News deigned to interview a Democrat because God forbid they take a momentary break from slobbering all over Dear Leader.
…..So, what the hell has happened to @FoxNews. Only I know! Chris Wallace and others should be on Fake News CNN or MSDNC. How’s Shep Smith doing? Watch, this will be the beginning of the end for Fox, just like the other two which are dying in the ratings. Social Media is great!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 28, 2020
He’s also SO MAD at Don Lemon for a joke that Rick Wilson made at his expense. Hmm … I wonder why he didn’t direct his tweet at Wilson?
Don Lemon, the dumbest man on television (with terrible ratings!). https://t.co/iQXCc7lvCt
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 28, 2020
Also, the Right is OUTRAGED at the panel in this clip for using Southern accents to mock MAGAites as being dumb rubes. I enter into evidence exhibit A:
Donald Trump: Don Lemon is the dumbest man on television. How dare he make fun of me
— tjsean.com (@TjseanB) January 28, 2020
Did you watch Don’t Fuck with Cats on Netflix? If so, the filmmaker and Deanna answer questions about the documentary here.
Dammit, Google, this is a good ad.
This February, we're celebrating the Black history makers who have helped shape and influence American culture. According to @GoogleTrends data, these icons, events and movements are #TheMostSearched in the U.S. → https://t.co/oySml0B7qN #BHM pic.twitter.com/67nRIDENbq
— Google (@Google) January 26, 2020
Carmi Zlotnik is leaving Starz as the head of programming after 10 years. He oversaw several Starz’s biggest hits, including Outlander, Power and American Gods.
Late night remembered Kobe Bryant:
But perhaps the most moving tribute was from ESPN’s SportsCenter:
Again, I’m not ignoring the rape allegations that cloud his legacy: I believe his accuser. She was bruised, her clothes were bloodied, and he allowed his lawyers to drag her name through the mud. The only reason he was not charged criminally was because she refused to testify against him, and after what he and his legal team did to her in the press, do you blame her? They settled out of court, and he issued a public apology to her. That said, I also believe that Kobe was a person capable of learning, capable of changing, and that how he lived the rest of his life and raised his family is evidence that he did just that. My only point is that Kobe was a complicated person whose entire legacy — including the fact that he allegedly raped a woman and got away with it because of his privilege as a celebrity athlete — should be remembered and acknowledged.
Over in the Harvey Weinstein trial, Rosie Perez confirmed Anabella Sciorra’s account of her rape. Mimi Haleyi, a production assistant on Project Runway, testified that he assaulted her twice. Weinstein’s defense tried to argue that because she continued having a professional relationship with him, the sex must have been consensual. Infuriating.
- Redeemer, a series from Nic Pizzolatto and starring Matthew McConaughey, has been ordered at FX.
- A reboot of The Equalizer starring Queen Latifah has been ordered to pilot at CBS.
- Zero Chill, a YA series, has been ordered by Netflix.
- A documentary about Thomas Markle, Meghan’s father, is in the works at Channel 5, and a U.S. deal is imminent.
- Aline Brosh, the co-creator of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, has signed a deal with ABC.
- Titmouse, the animation studio behind Big Mouth, has signed an overall deal with Netflix.
- Delilah is not moving forward at HBO Max.
- Ray Romano will guest star on One Day at a Time on Pop TV.
- Haskiri Velazquez, Mitchell Hoog, Alycia Pascual-Pena, and Belmont Cameli round out the main cast in the Saved by the Bell reboot.
- Scottie Thompson will guest star on NCIS: Los Angeles.
- Kelli Goss and Elizabeth Alderfer have joined the cast of The United States of Al pilot at CBS.
Mark Your Calendars
- Beastie Boys Story will stream on Apple TV+ on
- Better Call Saul returns on AMC on February 23.
- Shameless will air its final season sometime this year.
- Wife Swap returns on Paramount on February 13.
Marsha Kramer, Actress who was very recently on Modern Family
Nicholas Parsons, British actor
Margo Lion, Broadway producer
Arrow: The series finale is preceded by a one-hour special looking back on the series that turned The CW into a superhero bonanza. 7 p.m., The CW
Miracle Workers: The little anthology series starring Daniel Radcliffe and Steve Buscemi is back and set in the middle ages somehow. OK! Season premiere. 9:30 p.m., TBS
The Biggest Loser: The weight loss competition finds a new home on USA. Season premiere. 8 p.m., USA
Emergence: Small Wonder, The Drama has its season finale. 9 p.m., ABC
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Michael Bloomberg, Deepak Chopra, Rapsody featuring PJ Morton
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: William Jackson Harper, Kevin Smith, Chris Coleman
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Antonio Banderas, Jay Hernandez, Coyote Peterson
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Cynthia Erivo, Ashton Kutcher, BTS
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Magic Johnson, Ben Schwartz, Charlie Wilson
- The Daily Show: Ilana Glazer
- Conan: Kumail Nanjiani
- Lights Out with David Spade: Nicole Aimee Schreiber, Adam Ray, Tony Rock
- Watch What Happens Live: Tom Sandoval, Aidy Bryant
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