HERE COMES THE WAR WALRUS TO MESS UP TRUMP’S YAM SHAM!

Impeachment Corner!

Welcome back to our ongoing national headache. So what did you miss this weekend? President Thumbrain’s legal team began their arguments as to why he shouldn’t be removed from office, with additional arguments as to why the Senate shouldn’t even call witnesses or subpoena evidence. In short: JUST BECAUSE. JUST BECAUSE WE SAID SO. They spent only 2 of their overall 24 hours beginning their arguments on Saturday, wanting to save the big show for Monday TV audiences and to appeal to the TV-Viewer-in-Chief.

And up until yesterday afternoon, it was looking like the Republican senators were beginning to fall in line and come up with reasons they could repeat on Fox News about why they felt it was unnecessary to call witnesses. For instance: In his closing argument, Adam Schiff said that President Thug threatened to put Republican heads on pikes if they voted against him, based on a report from CBS News. HOW DARE ADAM SCHIFF REPEAT A COMPLETELY PLAUSIBLE STORY. WHERE WAS HIS SENSE OF DECORUM? GUESS WE HAVE TO VOTE TO ACQUIT NOW.

 

twenty four hours later spongebob 24

Still, the Republicans are a resilient bunch who regard the twats from the most powerful man on Earth threatening a congressman somehow less dangerous than that same congressman recounting a report from a reputable news source, and it was still looking pretty good for President Supervillain’s team to not have to deal with inconvenient witnesses and, you know, FACTS.

BUT THEN! The War Walrus plopped down right in the middle of the trial.

magical baby walrus

 

Somehow, The New York Times saw an advanced copy of former national security advisor John Bolton’s book — you know, the book he’s been teasing for months and whose existence comes as a surprise to no one. And you’ll NEVER GUESS what Bolton had to say in said book  … that is unless you guessed that what he had to say is that President Cheater told Bolton that he was withholding aid from Ukraine until they turned over material about Clinton and the Bidens; that Secretary of State Pompeo admitted to Bolton that Giuliani’s complaints about Ambassador Yovanovitch were bullshit and he just wanted her out of the way so that she wouldn’t go after his goons Parnas and Furman; and that he raised worries with Attorney General Bill Barr about Giuliani’s shenanigans.

Oh, and the sweetest part? The White House was given a copy of this manuscript on December 30, and knew all of this since then, leaving a bunch of Republican senators claiming that they were blindsided by these revelations.

BLINDSIDED! And honestly, who can blame the poor dears? After all, the fact that President Dingaling was withholding aid from Ukraine was only revealed in the whistleblower complaint, the transcripts the White House itself released, President Screamy McScreamalot himself on the White House lawn, and confirmed by multiple witnesses, including President Shitferbrains’ own appointees over several days of televised testimony. WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY KNOWN?

So today, as the White House was about to present the next part of their argument, Republican senators were suddenly starting to express an interest in hearing from a witness or two after all.

Stay tuned. It’s possible we might actually hear from at least one witness; it’s also just as likely that by the time the Senate votes on whether or not to hear witnesses, this has been blown over by some other crazy-ass story and they believe that Americans will have forgotten about Bolton’s book altogether.

As for the White House’s opening/closing arguments, they are currently in the middle of making, I’ll have more to say tomorrow. But let me just note right now that listening to Pam Bondi, who as the former Florida Attorney General dropped an investigation into Trump University after the Trumps gave her campaign $25,000, argue that it’s the Bidens who are corrupt and to have to listen to Ken Motherfucking Starr argue that impeachment is bad and should be used sparingly …

Well …

crazy pills

In Other TV News

Here are the first 99 seconds of the first episode of the new season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine:

Brooklyn Nine-Nine returns on February 6, and not a moment too soon.

While we’re talking Terry Crews, Gabrielle Union is not so happy with his recent comments about the racism at America’s Got Talent.

Looks like Jade and Tanner won’t be getting that $1 million DraftKings prize after all.

You a morning person? Good news: Comedy Central is going to start airing reruns of The Late Late Show with James Corden in the mornings.

If you’ve binged Chilling Adventures of Sabrina already, here’s what to expect from Season 4.

Jennifer Anniston surprises Friends fans in this cute video. It starts at about the 2:40 mark if you’re interested in A LOT of shrieking:

George R.R.Martin continues to insist that the books and the show will end differently. GREAT, BUT HASN”T ANYONE TOLD YOUT TO SHOW AND NOT TELL, GEORGE? FINISH. THE. BOOKS.

And while we’re talking about series finales, Mike Schur discussed how Parks and Recreation prepared him for this week’s The Good Place finale, and  Vince Gilligan is predicting that the end of Better Call Saul will be better than the ending of Breaking Bad. (And not to be that asshole, but it shouldn’t be all that hard. Breaking Bad was brilliant. That finale? Eh.)

The dumbasses in this administration AREN’T EVEN TRYING. My Trekkie/Trekker friends, what say you?

And a quick update on your stories, which have been pre-empted by Yam Sham!: Trial of Donald Jackass Trump.

Stay healthy, Ali Fedotowsky, and good on you for sharing your story and pictures.

In Development

More pilot orders:

Casting News

Mark Your Calendar

  • The Undoing will premiere on HBO in May.
  • Ghost in the Shell: SAC_2045 will debut on Netflix in April.
  • The Trade returns to Showtime on March 6.

R.I.P.

Kobe Bryant, NBA Great. This is an unexpected and terrible shock, especially since Bryant was killed in a helicopter crash along with his 13-year-old daughter Gianna. Also tragically killed in the crash, one of Gianna’s teammates and her mother and the pilot of the helicopter.

More responses to his death here.

And yet. We all know that there is another part of Kobe’s story, one that feels inappropriate to breech in this moment of sorrow, but one that you know you thought of when you heard this news. I don’t mean to tarnish the man’s memory, but at the same time, as someone who has made #MeToo a regular part of this blog, I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t at least mention that Kobe was accused of (but never criminally tried for) raping a 19-year-old woman in 2003. I know this is highly sensitive — so much so, a Washington Post reporter was suspended after tweeting about it on her personal account. I won’t discuss it further at this time out of respect to his family, friends, and fans, but if you need a reminder of what happened, and how our heroes sometimes have complicated and inconvenient stories, please read this very thoughtful piece.

WATCH THIS

The Bachelor: It’s time to leave the McMansion to begin the travels around the world, and, wait, does Miss Texas try to worm her way back in? 7 p.m., ABC

Kobe’s Final Game: 8 p.m., ESPN

Idiocracy: NO REASON AT ALL. 7:58 p.m., Outer Max

Psycho Stripper: I mean, how are you expected to not watch something called “Psycho Stripper,” which apparently is about a male stripper who becomes obsessed with the bride at a bachelorette party he performed for? I MEAN COME ON. 9:30 p.m., LMN

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Michael Strahan, Matt Bomer, Nick Thune
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Colin Quinn, Julia Garner, a performance by the Broadway cast of “Jagged Little Pill”, Chris Coleman
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Sting, Caitriona Balfe
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Kathy Bates, Cynthia Erivo, Kelsea Ballerini
  • The Daily Show: Charles Yu
  • Conan: Keegan-Michael Key
  • Lights Out with David Spade: Kira Soltanovich, Chris Franjola, Brendan Schaub
  • Watch What Happens Live: Kevin Dobson, Jemele Hill

 

MON. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Bachelor
(new)
The Good Doctor
(new)
CBS The Neighbor-hood
(repeat)
Bob Hearts Abishola
(repeat)
Undercover Boss
(new)
Bull
(new)
CW All American
(new)
Black Lightning
(new)
Local
FOX 9-1-1: Lone Star
(new)
Prodigal Son
(new)
News/Local
NBC America’s Got Talent: The Champions
(new)
Manifest
(new)

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