Impeachment Corner!
Welcome back to our ongoing national headache. So what did you miss this weekend? President Thumbrain’s legal team began their arguments as to why he shouldn’t be removed from office, with additional arguments as to why the Senate shouldn’t even call witnesses or subpoena evidence. In short: JUST BECAUSE. JUST BECAUSE WE SAID SO. They spent only 2 of their overall 24 hours beginning their arguments on Saturday, wanting to save the big show for Monday TV audiences and to appeal to the TV-Viewer-in-Chief.
And up until yesterday afternoon, it was looking like the Republican senators were beginning to fall in line and come up with reasons they could repeat on Fox News about why they felt it was unnecessary to call witnesses. For instance: In his closing argument, Adam Schiff said that President Thug threatened to put Republican heads on pikes if they voted against him, based on a report from CBS News. HOW DARE ADAM SCHIFF REPEAT A COMPLETELY PLAUSIBLE STORY. WHERE WAS HIS SENSE OF DECORUM? GUESS WE HAVE TO VOTE TO ACQUIT NOW.
Republicans are VERY angry about Schiff’s decision to reference that CBS “head on a pike” report. Murkowski says “that’s where he lost me.” Barrasso says “whatever gains he may have made, he lost all of it — plus some — tonight.”
— Emily Cochrane (@ESCochrane) January 25, 2020
Shifty Adam Schiff is a CORRUPT POLITICIAN, and probably a very sick man. He has not paid the price, yet, for what he has done to our Country!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 26, 2020
Still, the Republicans are a resilient bunch who regard the twats from the most powerful man on Earth threatening a congressman somehow less dangerous than that same congressman recounting a report from a reputable news source, and it was still looking pretty good for President Supervillain’s team to not have to deal with inconvenient witnesses and, you know, FACTS.
BUT THEN! The War Walrus plopped down right in the middle of the trial.
Somehow, The New York Times saw an advanced copy of former national security advisor John Bolton’s book — you know, the book he’s been teasing for months and whose existence comes as a surprise to no one. And you’ll NEVER GUESS what Bolton had to say in said book … that is unless you guessed that what he had to say is that President Cheater told Bolton that he was withholding aid from Ukraine until they turned over material about Clinton and the Bidens; that Secretary of State Pompeo admitted to Bolton that Giuliani’s complaints about Ambassador Yovanovitch were bullshit and he just wanted her out of the way so that she wouldn’t go after his goons Parnas and Furman; and that he raised worries with Attorney General Bill Barr about Giuliani’s shenanigans.
Oh, and the sweetest part? The White House was given a copy of this manuscript on December 30, and knew all of this since then, leaving a bunch of Republican senators claiming that they were blindsided by these revelations.
Per sources, some GOP senators privately pushing White House for information on who at administration had visibility into the manuscript over the last month. Senators feel blindsided.
— Maggie Haberman (@maggieNYT) January 27, 2020
BLINDSIDED! And honestly, who can blame the poor dears? After all, the fact that President Dingaling was withholding aid from Ukraine was only revealed in the whistleblower complaint, the transcripts the White House itself released, President Screamy McScreamalot himself on the White House lawn, and confirmed by multiple witnesses, including President Shitferbrains’ own appointees over several days of televised testimony. WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY KNOWN?
So today, as the White House was about to present the next part of their argument, Republican senators were suddenly starting to express an interest in hearing from a witness or two after all.
“I have spoken with others who have opined upon this," he added.
“It’s important to be able to hear from John Bolton for us to be able to make an impartial judgement”— Burgess Everett (@burgessev) January 27, 2020
Stay tuned. It’s possible we might actually hear from at least one witness; it’s also just as likely that by the time the Senate votes on whether or not to hear witnesses, this has been blown over by some other crazy-ass story and they believe that Americans will have forgotten about Bolton’s book altogether.
As for the White House’s opening/closing arguments, they are currently in the middle of making, I’ll have more to say tomorrow. But let me just note right now that listening to Pam Bondi, who as the former Florida Attorney General dropped an investigation into Trump University after the Trumps gave her campaign $25,000, argue that it’s the Bidens who are corrupt and to have to listen to Ken Motherfucking Starr argue that impeachment is bad and should be used sparingly …
Well …
In Other TV News
Here are the first 99 seconds of the first episode of the new season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine:
Brooklyn Nine-Nine returns on February 6, and not a moment too soon.
While we’re talking Terry Crews, Gabrielle Union is not so happy with his recent comments about the racism at America’s Got Talent.
Looks like Jade and Tanner won’t be getting that $1 million DraftKings prize after all.
You a morning person? Good news: Comedy Central is going to start airing reruns of The Late Late Show with James Corden in the mornings.
If you’ve binged Chilling Adventures of Sabrina already, here’s what to expect from Season 4.
Jennifer Anniston surprises Friends fans in this cute video. It starts at about the 2:40 mark if you’re interested in A LOT of shrieking:
George R.R.Martin continues to insist that the books and the show will end differently. GREAT, BUT HASN”T ANYONE TOLD YOUT TO SHOW AND NOT TELL, GEORGE? FINISH. THE. BOOKS.
And while we’re talking about series finales, Mike Schur discussed how Parks and Recreation prepared him for this week’s The Good Place finale, and Vince Gilligan is predicting that the end of Better Call Saul will be better than the ending of Breaking Bad. (And not to be that asshole, but it shouldn’t be all that hard. Breaking Bad was brilliant. That finale? Eh.)
The dumbasses in this administration AREN’T EVEN TRYING. My Trekkie/Trekker friends, what say you?
Ahem. We are expecting some royalties from this… https://t.co/msYcJMlqjh
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) January 24, 2020
And a quick update on your stories, which have been pre-empted by Yam Sham!: Trial of Donald Jackass Trump.
Stay healthy, Ali Fedotowsky, and good on you for sharing your story and pictures.
In Development
More pilot orders:
- We the Jury, a courtroom comedy, has been ordered to pilot by CBS.
- Ordinary Joe, a drama about life choices, has been ordered to pilot by NBC.
- House of Chow is in development at HBO.
- Herself, a film, has been bought by Amazon.
- Tender is the Night is in development at Hulu.
- Red 11, a sci-fi horror film from Robert Rodriguez, will stream on Tubi.
- Viewpoint, a thrilled, has been ordered by ITV.
- Gloria Sanchez Productions, Will Ferrell’s production company, has set a first-look deal with Netflix.
- Howard The Duck and Tigra & Dazzler are not going forward at Hulu.
Casting News
- Chance the Rapper will host the reboot of Punk’d on Quibi.
- Dexter Darden has been cast in the lead for the Saved by the Bell reboot on Peacock.
- Marcia Gay Harden has been cast as Gary’s mother on A Million Little Things on ABC.
- Orlando Jones is joining the cast of L.A.’s Finest on Spectrum.
- Noah Mills has joined the cast of The Falcon and The Winter Soldier on Disney+.
- Kelli Berglund is joining Heels on Starz.
- Priscilla Quintana is joining Good Trouble on Freeform.
- Paprika Steen, Isabella Crovetti, Glo Tavarez, Jade Payton, and Connor Falk have been added to the cast of Rita, a pilot on Showtime.
- Jessalyn Gilsig has replaced Shiri Appleby in Big Shot on Disney+.
Mark Your Calendar
- The Undoing will premiere on HBO in May.
- Ghost in the Shell: SAC_2045 will debut on Netflix in April.
- The Trade returns to Showtime on March 6.
- Steppin’ Back to Love will debut on TV One on February 8.
R.I.P.
Kobe Bryant, NBA Great. This is an unexpected and terrible shock, especially since Bryant was killed in a helicopter crash along with his 13-year-old daughter Gianna. Also tragically killed in the crash, one of Gianna’s teammates and her mother and the pilot of the helicopter.
There’s no words to express the pain Im going through with this tragedy of loosing my neice Gigi & my brother @kobebryant I love u and u will be missed. My condolences goes out to the Bryant family and the families of the other passengers on board. IM SICK RIGHT NOW pic.twitter.com/pigHywq3c1
— SHAQ (@SHAQ) January 26, 2020
Most people will remember Kobe as the magnificent athlete who inspired a whole generation of basketball players. But I will always remember him as a man who was much more than an athlete. pic.twitter.com/9EZuwk8wrV
— Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (@kaj33) January 26, 2020
My friend, a legend, husband, father, son, brother, Oscar winner and greatest Laker of all-time is gone. It’s hard to accept. Kobe was a leader of our game, a mentor to both male and female players. pic.twitter.com/NXsrXmCkkG
— Earvin Magic Johnson (@MagicJohnson) January 26, 2020
He gave his knowledge, time, and talent to tutor so many at the youth level, collegiate level, & NBA & WNBA players. Words can’t express the impact that he had on the game of basketball. I know basketball fans all over the world will miss him, especially the City of Los Angeles. pic.twitter.com/ZoB3Uwbvzk
— Earvin Magic Johnson (@MagicJohnson) January 26, 2020
He was such an icon but also did so much for LA. He was passionate about serving the homeless and was an advocate for women's basketball. Coaching his daughter’s basketball team brought him so much happiness.
— Earvin Magic Johnson (@MagicJohnson) January 26, 2020
Kobe and I shared so many special conversations about life and basketball. We had so much in common off the court. I used to love talking to him about Lakers basketball, being fathers and husbands and how much we loved Italy. I will miss those conversations and him so much. pic.twitter.com/PIv7obzr2x
— Earvin Magic Johnson (@MagicJohnson) January 26, 2020
Laker Nation, the game of basketball & our city, will never be the same without Kobe. Cookie & I are praying for Vanessa, his beautiful daughters Natalia, Bianka & Capri, as well as his parents Joe & Pam & his sisters. We will always be here for the Bryant family. pic.twitter.com/WWxmtEAJqZ
— Earvin Magic Johnson (@MagicJohnson) January 26, 2020
I love him, his family and what he stood for on the court and off the court.
— Earvin Magic Johnson (@MagicJohnson) January 26, 2020
As I try to write this post, my mind is racing. I’m in disbelief and have been crying all morning over this devastating news that Kobe and his young daughter, Gigi have passed away in a helicopter crash. Cookie and I are heartbroken. pic.twitter.com/X2vF0M0a1u
— Earvin Magic Johnson (@MagicJohnson) January 26, 2020
Statement from Michael Jordan: pic.twitter.com/oI7w6e7HLI
— Estee Portnoy (@esteep) January 26, 2020
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) January 26, 2020
For Kobe. #RIPMamba pic.twitter.com/gq0RvS58bQ
— Here's Your Replay ⬇️ (@HeresYourReplay) January 26, 2020
More responses to his death here.
And yet. We all know that there is another part of Kobe’s story, one that feels inappropriate to breech in this moment of sorrow, but one that you know you thought of when you heard this news. I don’t mean to tarnish the man’s memory, but at the same time, as someone who has made #MeToo a regular part of this blog, I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t at least mention that Kobe was accused of (but never criminally tried for) raping a 19-year-old woman in 2003. I know this is highly sensitive — so much so, a Washington Post reporter was suspended after tweeting about it on her personal account. I won’t discuss it further at this time out of respect to his family, friends, and fans, but if you need a reminder of what happened, and how our heroes sometimes have complicated and inconvenient stories, please read this very thoughtful piece.
WATCH THIS
The Bachelor: It’s time to leave the McMansion to begin the travels around the world, and, wait, does Miss Texas try to worm her way back in? 7 p.m., ABC
Kobe’s Final Game: 8 p.m., ESPN
Idiocracy: NO REASON AT ALL. 7:58 p.m., Outer Max
Psycho Stripper: I mean, how are you expected to not watch something called “Psycho Stripper,” which apparently is about a male stripper who becomes obsessed with the bride at a bachelorette party he performed for? I MEAN COME ON. 9:30 p.m., LMN
Late Night:
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Michael Strahan, Matt Bomer, Nick Thune
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Colin Quinn, Julia Garner, a performance by the Broadway cast of “Jagged Little Pill”, Chris Coleman
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Sting, Caitriona Balfe
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Kathy Bates, Cynthia Erivo, Kelsea Ballerini
- The Daily Show: Charles Yu
- Conan: Keegan-Michael Key
- Lights Out with David Spade: Kira Soltanovich, Chris Franjola, Brendan Schaub
- Watch What Happens Live: Kevin Dobson, Jemele Hill
MON. | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 |
ABC | The Bachelor (new) |
The Good Doctor (new) |
CBS | The Neighbor-hood (repeat) |
Bob Hearts Abishola (repeat) |
Undercover Boss (new) |
Bull (new) |
CW | All American (new) |
Black Lightning (new) |
Local |
FOX | 9-1-1: Lone Star (new) |
Prodigal Son (new) |
News/Local |
NBC | America’s Got Talent: The Champions (new) |
Manifest (new) |