Another day, another avalanche of crazy in this never-ending shitshow!

Looks like we’re going to start with Impeachment Corner yet again as there is absolutely no TV news worth talking about right now. None! Nothing!

Yesterday was one of those bonker days where 80 different stories were all breaking at the same time BECAUSE THIS IS JUST HOW WE LIVE NOW. Yesterday afternoon, we learned that Rudy Giuliani was being subpoenaed by the House for Ukraine-related documents, and they cited his CNN interview with Chris Cuomo: “During an interview on CNN, Chris Cuomo asked you, ‘So did you ask Ukraine to look into Joe Biden?’ You responded, ‘Of course I did.’”

In response, he’s claiming the House has “prejudged” the case. Basically, he’s signaling that he might not comply with the subpoena, to which Adam Schiff is all, “DO IT. DO IT, BITCH, I DARE YOU. IT WILL JUST MAKE US IMPEACH HIM HARDER.”

Then we found out that despite claiming he hadn’t read the whistleblower report when asked multiple times, our Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo was on the phone call with the President of Ukraine when President You Scratch My Back, I Give You Weapons pressured him to dig up dirt on Joe Biden. I mean, I guess you could argue that Quid Pro Pompeo wasn’t lying when he said he hadn’t read the whistleblower report, since he probably hadn’t, SINCE HE DIDN’T NEED TO, SINCE HE WAS ON THE CALL.

And now this fucker, Pompeo, he’s saying that State Department officials will not be showing up for impeachment depositions because for reasons. Also, Pompeo just went to Italy (a point that will be important in a minute) and he took this fish oil huckster with him?

oh no baby what is you doing.gif

Also, we learned that President Collusion called the Australian Prime Minister to ask him to work with Bill Barr on an investigation that he hopes will discredit the Mueller investigation — another “perfect” conversation that weirdly found its way into the SOOPER SECRET SERVER …

(a word that The Daily Show points out Fox & Friends avoided saying for some strange reason …)

But back to Australia: “In making the request — one of many at Mr. Barr’s behest — Mr. Trump was in effect asking the Australian government to investigate itself. F.B.I. investigators began examining Trump’s ties to Russia’s 2016 election interference after Australian officials reported that Russian intermediaries had made overtures to Trump advisers about releasing information that would damage Hillary Clinton’s campaign.”

ONE OF MANY AT BARR’S BEHEST, YOU SAY? And in fact, yes, because that asshole, he was in Italy just last week pressuring authorities there to help him in this investigation into the origins of the Russia investigation, too. Seems Barr’s been flying around the world “investigating” the Russia investigation — an investigation conducted by OUR OWN INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES that concluded that the Russians had interfered in the 2016 election. This is the bottom line: This criminal administration is desperate to try to overturn the conclusion that Russia interfered on President Trump Moscow Tower’s behalf.

Last night, Rachel Maddow did a great job of outlining the history of this current scandal up to yesterday’s revelations, and arrives at the conclusion that this whole thing — President National Security Risk’s phone call to the Ukraine, Rudy Giuliani’s harassment of the Bidens and Barr’s global tour visiting world leaders asking for help on this investigation — is really about trying to find an excuse to lift sanctions imposed on Russia for both the invasion of the Ukraine and for their meddling in our election. The question of why our president is so desperate to lift sanctions on Russia is one that SHOULD KEEP REPUBLICANS UP AT NIGHT BECAUSE THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS AND IT IS BAD. Anyway, even if you feel like you’re well-versed in all of this, I still think her segment is worth watching because she manages to tie a bunch of this crap together in a truly alarming and convincing way.

And what I’m saying is that the server needs to be dragged straight into Congress because JUST IMAGINE what the conversations with Putin must be like.

Also! These are two stories to put pins in: 1. House Democrats are now saying that there is reason to believe President Perjury lied to the Mueller investigation regarding whether or not he knew about his campaign’s contacts with Wikileaks, and they are asking the courts to give them Mueller’s grand-jury materials and 2. There’s a SECOND whistleblower report, and it alleges that someone has been tampering with President Emolument’s tax returns. STAY TUNED.

Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell has said that if the House impeaches, he will have no choice but to start a trial in the Senate. NOW, he also added how long the trial would last is up to some debate, but, in this instance, he’s not going to throw the Senate rules into a trash can, fill the trash can to the brim with gasoline and set the whole thing on fire. Merrick Garland finds this very interesting. Also, just so we’re clear, despite his interest in actually doing the Mitch McConnell remains #1 on my Arya Stark list.

And as for President IMPEACH ME ALREADY, he’s still going around demanding to find out the identity of the whistleblower, demanding to know in front of the press why he’s not “entitled to interview” the individual. Uh, because the whistleblower law protects their identity from being exposed and from retaliation?

As a measure of self-soothing, The Baby-in-Chief tweeted out this hilarious poll. I’m a little dubious of how scientific it was …

In a break from calling for his political opponents to be strung up for treason and from trying to instigate a civil war, President Boomer Memes also tweeted out this ridiculous scene from Chicago O’Hare:

Which may seem like it has no place in our conversation about impeachment … Except:

For your moment of zen, here’s Stephen Colbert’s audience chanting “LOCK HIM UP” during his interview with Hillary Clinton:

Anyway, the bottom line is that the President of the United States asked a foreign leader to provide him with dirt on a political rival in exchange for tax-payer provided weapons and money. That’s it! All the rest of it is interesting and bad and should bring Barr and Pompeo and Giuliani down in flames, but if you take nothing else away from all of this, make it this: from the Oval Office, the President of the United States asked foreign governments to intervene in the 2020 election on his behalf. That’s bad! So bad! He has to go away now!

In actual TV news

A BBC presenter was censured by the network after she said President White Nationalist’s tweet urging Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and the rest of the squad to go back to where they came from was familiar to her as a woman of color, and that “Every time I have been told, as a woman of color, to go back to where I came from, that was embedded in racism.” BBC presenters are bound by strict impartiality rules, hence the censure. However, people were PISSED OFF, and the head of BBC overturned the decision.

It’s true: Orka and Flix are a couple.

Aw, Freaks and Geeks! Here’s a tribute to the second episode, “Beers and Weirs,” as told by everyone involved. Happy 20th, Freaks and Geeks! (Somehow, this is not available to stream anywhere. Netflix: you need to get on this — people will LOVE it.)

A lawsuit brought against Jerry Seinfeld by the guy who came up with the idea for Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee has been dismissed because the statute of limitations had expired.

Time’s Up

Rob Cohen, the director of Fast & the Furious, has been accused of sexual assault by a woman who wanted to collaborate on a TV project with him, and his own daughter. It’s ugly.

A reporter from Louisville has received an apology from a man who kissed her without her permission while she was taping a segment. He’s been charged with harassment. Y’all, leave reporters alone, just let them do their damn jobs.

Tyler Perry will not be moving his productions out of Georgia if their controversial abortion ban goes into effect. Nothing is surprising about this.

Stacey Dash has been arrested in Florida for domestic battery.

Cancelations (but also Renewals)

  • Claws has been renewed for a fourth and final season at TNT.

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • 6 Underground will debut on Netflix on December 13.
  • Castle Rock will return on Hulu on October 23.
  • Insatiable will return on Netflix on October 11.
  • The Banana Splits will debut on Syfy on October 12.

R.I.P.

Wayne Fitzgerald, Title designer who created titles for The Godfather, Part II, Apocalypse Now, and My Fair Lady, among many many others

Louie Rankin, Actor

Jessye Norman, Opera singer

WATCH THIS

In a Man’s World: Remember that classic Saturday Night Live sketch where Eddie Murphy goes undercover as a white man? It’s that, but women go undercover as men and learn what it’s like to be treated as fully human by other men. Series premiere. 9 p.m., Bravo

Sorry For Your Loss: Season premiere. Facebook Watch

Frontline: A profile of that murdering asshole Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman. 8 p.m., PBS

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Lin-Manuel Miranda, Chris Colfer, the Broadway cast of “Freestyle Love Supreme”
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Ta-Nehisi Coates, Gary Gulman, Roy Mayorga
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Rachel Maddow, Thom Yorke
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Michelle Pfeiffer, Chiwetel Ejiofor, George Salazar, Mj Rodriguez
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Joaquin Phoenix, Elizabeth Olsen, Lukas Nelson & Promise of the Real
  • The Daily Show: Anand Giridharadas
  • Lights Out with David Spade: Tony Rock, Patton Oswalt, Lauren Sivan
  • Watch What Happens Live: Jenny McCarthy, Gina Kirschenheiter
  • A Little Late with Lily Singh: Tegan & Sara, Alexandra Shipp
TUES. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Conners
(new)
Bless This Mess
(new)
mixed-ish
(new)
black-ish
(new)
Emergence
(new)
CBS NCIS
(new)
FBI
(new)
NCIS: New Orleans
(new)
CW Pandora
(new)
Pandora
(new)
Local
FOX The Resident
(new)
Empire
(new)
News/Local
NBC The Voice
(new)
This Is Us
(new)
New Amsterdam
(new)

 

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