The Real Housewives of New York
August 17, 2016
Last we left the ladies, everyone had finally arrived in Miami and Bethenny had just shared with Ramona and Princess Carole the fact that she was sitting on some incriminating information on Fiance Tom: namely a series of photos of him performing an extensive oral exam upon a former Playmate at a hotel bar the night before his engagement party to The Countess.
— And a point that I FORGOT in the last recap (forgive): Bethenny also revealed that she’s been hearing that Fiancé Tom has a reputation for pursuing women of a certain age and with a certain minimum in their bank accounts. Which is just very hard to believe about a man who has dated THREE REAL HOUSEWIVES PRACTICALLY SIMULTANEOUSLY —
After seeing the photo for themselves, Ramona and Her Highness agree that Bethenny has to tell The Countess, and the Producers agree that Bethenny has to tell the Countess … at the end of the trip, so we can stretch this out a while.
That evening, the ladies go to dinner, but only Ramona, Sonja and Bethenny actually arrive on time for their reservation. The other ladies arrive an hour and a half later because Princess Carole was having a wardrobe malfunction, and apparently The Countess, Dorinda and Jules are her royal dressers.
While they wait, Bethenny realizes that Ramona told Sonja about the Fiancé Tom pictures and yells at her for telling “Chrissy from Three’s Company” the big secret — which is literally the best description of Sonja Morgan I’ve ever heard. Perfection. Bethenny recovers from Ramona’s lack of discretion pretty quickly, because no one could have possibly really have expected Ramona to keep that to herself. Bethenny is lucky Ramona didn’t get drunk on Pinot Ramona and go directly to The Countess, honestly.
Sonja then reveals that she last slept with Fiancé Tom shortly before Thanksgiving, which somehow is shocking news to Bethenny, even though I feel like we’ve all heard this little fact nugget about 37 times already. While Sonja continues to mourn the fact she’s “lost her lover” (WE’VE TALKED ABOUT THAT WORD, SONJA), Bethenny suggests that she, The Countess and Fiancé Tom just move in together to save on rent. And then everyone is talking about diarrhea for some reason, probably because of the mental image of a menage with Fiancé Tom, Sonja and The Countess.
The other women finally arrive, and Bethenny yells at Her Serene Highness for a while about being late. Princess Carole is all, “LOL, OK.”
Dorinda then announces their plans for the next day: they are going to go to “Sandbar,” which I and a number of the other housewives thought was some brick and mortar location, and not, in fact, an actual sandbar. Which is what it is. Ramona declares that packing a lunch and sitting around all day on an actual sandbar –THAT HAS NO TABLES! — is completely unacceptable, and that she, for one, will be spending the day at Bagatelle. “Ok, sure you will,” Dorinda scoffs. Oh, Dorinda. You’ve met Ramona, right?
And then everyone but Bethenny and Sonja head out to a nightclub for tequila shots and to pretend that they are 30 years younger than they actually are.
Back at the hotel, Sonja suggests to Bethenny that before she tell The Countess about Fiancé Tom, Bethenny should discuss the situation with Fiancé Tom himself. “GREAT IDEA,” Bethenny agrees. “GIVE ME HIS PHONE NUMBER AND I’LL CALL HIM RIGHT NOW.” Fortunately for everyone, Fiancé Tom has the good sense to not take the call.
The next morning, Princess Carole reveals to Sonja that The Countess told her that Sonja and Fiancé Tom only had a one night stand and not a decade-long series of hookups, as Sonja has claimed repeatedly. This is, understandably, news to Sonja.
And let’s just pause here for a moment and call this the bullshit that it is. If you are a reality television character who decides to date — and MARRY — some guy who has dated two of your fellow reality television characters, that’s your business. If you can do that without becoming jealous or worried or at the very least a little concerned that maybe your fiancé is not there for — forgive The Bachelor jargon — “the right reasons,” then congratulations, you’re a much more emotionally secure person than myself. And listen, all adults who enter into relationships with other adults have to figure out how they are going to deal with each other’s past. You can ignore it, you can address it, you can break up over it. But what you cannot do –espeically if you are a reality television show character who is engaged to someone who dated two of your fellow reality television show characters — is deny that past ever happened! That’s not one of your options! It’s dismissive, it’s petty and all it’s going to do is lead to a screaming match on Andy Cohen’s reunion couch, with someone probably waving “evidence” around, making you looking like a damn fool.
ANYWAY. As the ladies begin to converge in the common room, Ramona announces to Dorinda that she will not be going to the sandbar because
ew, gross she wants to stay at the hotel and “relax.” However, dummy here manages to accidentally walk out of her room all dolled up and ready to go to Bagatelle just as Dorinda is rounding up the sandbar gang, totally showing her lying hand. “HUH,” Dorinda says, “WELL, LOOK AT YOU.”
Before leaving for the sandbar excursion, Dorinda and Bethenny chat about whether or not The Countess and Fiancé Tom are going to get married. “OF COURSE!” Dorinda insists. “Ok, but really?” Bethenny asks again and again, until she just flat-out calls Dorinda a “village idiot” for being so naive as to think two adults who have declared their intentions to marry one other will actually do so.
Dorinda, The Countess, Jules and Princess Poland head out to the sandbar where they are greeted by two Countess fans who love “Chic, C’est le Vie,” in what is certainly the greatest moment of The Countess’ entire life.
Never forget. Those guys haven’t.
On the boat, The Countess complains to the other ladies about Bethenny asking her if she and Fiancé Tom were monogamous — WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? I mean, sure, she and The Count had an “open marriage,” but HOW DARE BETHENNY MAKE THAT SHAMEFUL. Nevermind the fact that The Countess never wanted their marriage to be “open” in the first place and she merely lived that life in a desperate attempt to hold her family together, IT’S NOT OKAY FOR BETHENNY TO MAKE SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL SEEM DIRTY.
Oh, and they send Princess Carole to go buy boat hot dogs, but she comes back with boat ice cream and everyone is really mad at her even though ice cream is delicious, what is even the problem here?
Meanwhile, Bethenny, Ramona and Sonja meet someone named Sarah at Bagatelle, where Sonja whines about losing her “lover” some more and no one dances on any tables.
Later, everyone gets ready for dinner, which is only notable because Sonja opts to wear a tiara, instantly becoming my patronus.
As for Bethenny, desperate to not be confronted by The Countess over her earlier questioning of her relationship, she invites some guy who she insists is a “world-famous artist” to join them for dinner and act as a buffer. And the scheme works for the most part. I mean, when Princess Carole asks The Countess why Fiancé Tom lied about his relationship with Sonja only being a one night stand, The Countess threatens to murder everyone if they bring up the fact that Fiancé Tom and Sonja used to be fuck buddies one more time. But no one is actually murdered, so success!
The next morning, The Countess heads into Bethenny’s room to discuss Bethenny’s questions about her relationship with Fiancé Tom and her open marriage to The Count. IT WAS RUDE. HOW DARE SHE. And Bethenny to her credit is like, “Yep! And I apologize. But here’s the thing: I have to show you something.” The Countess begs her to say it’s not about Fiancé Tom, but Bethenny is like, “Yeah it’s totally about Fiancé Tom. And there are pictures. And they were taken on Wednesday. And they are all true.” But before Bethenny can show her the photos, The Countess storms out of her room, screaming at the camera crews to STOP FILMING HER RIGHT NOW.
Oh, this is to be continued, you guys. You better bet your sweet bippy it’s to be continued.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. on Bravo.