President Capone is now literally telling people to vote early and vote often.

by Therese Odell, posted in Uncategorized

It’s Thursday and everything is insane! Absolutely batshit insane!

Here are some quokkas to maybe make it a teeny bit better:

Political Crap

The President of the United Goddamned States just urged his followers to vote twice. Fun reminder: voting multiple times is a felony. You know what else is a felony? Inducing someone else to vote multiple times.

“Well, they’ll go out and they’ll go vote, and they’re going to have to go and check their vote by going to the poll and voting that way, because if it tabulates, then they won’t be able to do that,” Trump said on the tarmac in front of Air Force One. “So, let them send it in, and let them go vote, and if the system is as good as they say it is, then obviously they won’t be able to vote. If it isn’t tabulated, they won’t be able to vote. So that’s the way it is. And that’s what they should do.”

The President later told people to send in their ballots, saying, “Send them in strong, whether it’s solicited or unsolicited. The absentees are fine. You have to work to get them, you know.”

“And you send them in, but you go to vote. And if they haven’t counted it, you can vote. So that’s the way I feel,” he said.

AND IT IS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE’S SUGGESTED THIS.

By the by: Twitter has flagged these tweets, and Facebook is removing video of him telling people to vote twice.

Super cool fact: there are at least five states who don’t start counting mail-in ballots until AFTER the election, which means there are plenty of people who will not be turned away at the polls if they physically show up. Great! Terrific! More uncertainty about the validity of this election! Just what we needed to add to this completely insane election cycle!

And yet it’s the Democrats they are accusing of voter fraud.

This is how the head of the North Carolina elections board has to respond to the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:

And his people won’t say that it’s illegal to vote twice:

AM I HAVING A STROKE? I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BE THE ONE HAVING A STROKE.

And just because why the fuck not, the Russians are also trying to spread disinformation about mail-in voting.

If you can vote early and in person, do so. BUT ONLY THE ONE TIME.

Oh! And also! Too! President Scofflaw signed a memo demanding that federal funds be withheld from cities he calls “anarchist jurisdictions,” i.e. Democrat-run cities like Portland, Seattle, New York, and Washington D.C. Now, in no way is this going to happen as the White House does not control the government’s purse strings (thank God) but I never ever EVER want to hear someone tell me again that even if I don’t like it, he’s my President too. He has no interest in being my President, or the President of America’s cities.

ALSO, President Sham went to Kenosha for a photo opportunity with burned-out buildings as part of his ongoing, “This is What Biden’s America Will Look Like (eventhoughitishappeninginmyamericarightnow)” campaign, but the owner of a destroyed business refused to take part in his charade, so he used the previous owner of the business to pretend he was the harmed owner. The bullshit, it is endless!

Facebook has announced that it will not allow new political ads a week before the election. I suppose it’s a start.

LET’S DO THIS, ARNOLD!

(Of course, it’s not about budgets, it’s about racism and vote suppression, but we all know that.)

Black Lives Matter

Joe Biden has said that the officers involved in Jacob Blake’s and Breonna Taylor’s shootings should be charged. Good.

Nothing to see here, just Chad Wolf, head of the Department of Homeland Security saying that he’s been talking to the Justice Department about making mass arrests of Black Lives Matter leaders. Note: There are no official leaders of nebulous movements like Black Lives Matter or Antifa.

Tell me again, Nikki Haley, about how racism isn’t real in America.

The family of actress Vanessa Marquez has filed a federal lawsuit against the city of South Pasadena, California for her death. She was shot by police officers during a medical assistance call.

Some developers reconfigured a ReCaptcha program to train people to see police brutality. Brilliant.

“Sports are the reward of a functioning society.” Why the NBA and WNBA protests (and the MLB and the MLS and the NHL and the NFL) were so important.

NFL players are contemplating sitting out a game to protest Jacob Blake’s shooting.

John Boyega opens up about the racism he faced being a part of the Star Wars franchise and how he was the only character who was marketed by Disney and Star Wars based on his race, and then pushed aside in terms of his character’s story. It’s all true!

Michael Che explains why he likes to write jokes based on race issues: because it’s always relevant.

I would say that Adele’s cultural appropriation during the Notting Hill Carnival was the most problematic part of this whole story …

… but then Chet Haze, Tom Hanks’ idiot son, got involved.

Whoopi Goldberg suggests a wonderful idea for Disney. 1,000% would go to.

Chadwick Boseman kept his cancer diagnosis very quiet — so quiet that Disney and Marvel head Kevin Feige only knew about it the day he died, and now have no idea what they are going to do about Black Panther 2, which was set for 2022.

In the wake of his death, petitions have been created asking Boseman’s hometown of Anderson, South Carolina to replace a statue of a Confederate soldier with a statue of Boseman. I am also 1,000% in favor of this.

Going Viral

The CDC altered governors to prepare for vaccine distribution by November 1 — two days before the election, which I am sure has nothing to do with anything. Meanwhile: “… that timeline appears more optimistic than the one set by vaccine-makers. Three pharmaceutical companies have recently entered the final stage of clinical trials, which can take months. Definitive results about whether the shots work aren’t expected until the end of the year.”

The administration might try to push a vaccine through using an emergency use authorization, but Houston’s own Dr. Hotez has some thoughts on why that is a TERRIBLE idea.

We’ve had our first death from the Sturgis superspreader event, and more will come.

Robert Pattinson has tested positive and the production of The Batman has been shut down.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and his family all contracted COVID-19.

Meanwhile, that asshole Adam Corolla continues to spread misinformation.

Lili Reinhart says she feels like a prisoner while filming Riverdale and while I want to make fun of spoiled actors, this actually does sound pretty terrible. After the cast and crew quarantine for two weeks upon returning to Vancouver, they won’t be able to return home until Christmas. While that definitely sucks for actors like Reinhart, it must REALLY suck for actors like Mark Consuelos, whose wife and kids are back in New York and unable to be in Vancouver with him. Yikes.

Conan needs you to “sit” in his audience.

All Other TV News

Heads up, Star Trek fans: CBS All Access is going to host an all-day celebration of all things Star Trek on September 8, the anniversary of the premiere of the series. There will be a marathon of select episodes and panels featuring the cast.

In other Star Trek news, Star Trek: Discovery will be introducing the franchise’s first non-binary and transgender characters next season.

Quibi tried to woo Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, but come one. They have standards.

If you can wait three months, you won’t have to shell out $30 to watch the live-action Mulan, Disney+ subscribers.

The Giudices are officially divorced and the house is on the market. It’s the end of a very tacky, very marbley era.

If you’re a Harley Quinn fan, you need to go watch it on HBO Max if you want a season three.

OOH … WATCHA DOIN’, BEYONCÉ?

Renewals

  • XXX

Cancellations

  • XXX

In Development

Casting News

  • Marie Osmond is leaving The Talk.
  • Tamara Braun is returning to Days of Our Lives.
  • Gillian Jacobs will guest star on Star Trek: Lower Decks on CBS All Access.
  • Netflix has announced the cast of upcoming Korean series D.P.

Mark Your Calendars

  • Jeopardy! is back with new episodes on September 14, y’all.
  • The Walking Dead finale will be available to AMC+ subscribers on October 1.

  • Kingdom of Silence will premiere on Showtime on October 2.
  • The Time100 will become a TV special on ABC on September 22.
  • Wireless will debut on Quibi soon.
  • Spides will premiere on Crackle on September 17.

R.I.P.

W. Russell Barry, Former 20the Century Fox President and Chairman

Timothy Graphenreed, Composer of The Wiz

Peter Licassi, Actor in Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Tom Seaver, Hall of Fame baseball player

Ian Mitchell, Bassist for the Bay City Rollers

WATCH THIS

A.P. Bio: The darkest and funniest high school comedy out there was saved by NBC’s streaming service, thank goodness. Season three premiere. Peacock

Raised by Wolves: Ridley Scott is the producer of this new sci-fi series about a pair of androids tasked with raising a group of human children on a strange planet. Series premiere. HBO Max

Young Wallander: A prequel to the popular British crime series about Police Inspector Wallander, starring Kenneth Branagh (which you can watch on HBO Max), this new series focuses on his adventures when he was … younger. Series premiere. Netflix

Love, Guaranteed: Damon Wayans Jr. and Rachel Leigh Cook — both of whom I really like — star in what looks to be a completely unoriginal romantic comedy. Netflix

Late Night:

  • Conan: Method Man
THUR 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Holey Moley
(new)		 Don’t
(new)		 To Tell the Truth
(new)
CBS Big Brother
(new)		 Young Sheldon
(repeat)		 The Unicorn
(repeat)		 S.W.A.T.
(repeat)
CW Mysteries Decoded
(new)		 Penn & Teller: Fool Us
(repeat)		 News/Local
FOX MLB Baseball
(live)		 News/Local
NBC Ellen’s Game of Games
(repeat)		 Law & Order: SVU
(repeat)		 Law & Order: SVU
(repeat)

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