HBO wants to entertain you for free. (But not with ‘Game of Thrones,’ don’t be greedy.)

Going Viral

How are we doing today? Personally, I’m at the place where I’m yelling at strangers who ride their bikes at full speed on the running trail I walk on because RIDE YOUR GODDMANED BICYCLE ON THE STREETS. YOU KNOW, WHERE THEY BELONG. AND WHERE THERE ARE NO CARS RIGHT NOW. Also, I might have one or two pent-up anxiety and anger issues that I’m apparently dealing with through yelling. Good times.

As for the pandemic itself, more than 5,000 Americans have died of Covid-19 (and we’re going to break 6,000 before the day is over) (also, don’t click that link if you don’t want to have a low-grade panic attack) and the economic ramifications of the stay-at-home orders have resulted in nearly 10 million people filing for unemployment this month (6.6 million just this past week).

I’m sorry.

Here’s an old high school classmate of mine with a brand new baby goat:

(If you’re on Twitter or Facebook, you should follow Blue Heron Farm for some more quality baby goat content. It will improve your day, I promise.)

As for the teevee business: HBO is offering 500 hours of free streaming on HBO Now and HBO GO beginning tomorrow, April 3, including:

Full Series

  • Ballers (5 Seasons)
  • Barry (2 Seasons)
  • Silicon Valley (6 Seasons)
  • Six Feet Under (5 Seasons)
  • The Sopranos (7 Seasons)
  • Succession (2 Seasons)
  • True Blood (7 Seasons
  • Veep (7 Seasons)
  • The Wire (5 Seasons)

Docuseries and Documentaries

  • The Apollo
  • The Case Against Adnan Syed
  • Elvis Presley: The Searcher
  • I Love You, Now Die: The Commonwealth v. Michelle Carter
  • The Inventor: Out for Blood in Silicon Valley
  • Jane Fonda in Five Acts
  • McMillion$
  • True Justice: Bryan Stevenson’s Fight for Equality
  • United Skates
  • We Are the Dream: The Kids of the MLK Oakland Oratorical Fest

Warner Bros. Theatricals

  • Arthur
  • Arthur 2: On the Rocks
  • Blinded By the Light
  • The Bridges of Madison County
  • Crazy, Stupid, Love
  • Empire of the Sun
  • Forget Paris
  • Happy Feet Two
  • Isn’t It Romantic?
  • The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part
  • Midnight Special
  • My Dog Skip
  • Nancy Drew And The Hidden Staircase
  • Pan
  • Pokémon Detective Pikachu
  • Red Riding Hood
  • Smallfoot
  • Storks
  • Sucker Punch
  • Unknown

TNT has announced that it will be releasing Snowpiercer two weeks early, debuting on May 17 now.

The major streamers have assured folks that despite the production stoppages, they have plenty of new material for the foreseeable future.

Also in good shape for now is the reality TV business. Networks including Bravo, HGTV, TLC, ID, Food Network, Discovery, We TV, E!, History, and A&E are stocked with new material and can make good use of marathons of previously aired shows.

The world of professional wrestling, however, might be a little shakier. Now that Florida governor Ron DeSantis has FINALLY shut down the state, WWE and AEW won’t be able to record new matches in Orlando and Jacksonville. Of course, wrestling is the OPPOSITE of social distancing, so, you know.

Adam Schlesinger, Fountains of Wayne founder, and songwriter who wrote for Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and the song “That Thing You Do” for the movie of the same name, passed from Covid-19. He was 52.

 

There are more tributes from more celebrities that he worked with here. And remember his work with these 20 songs.

Ellis Marsalis, Jr., New Orleans jazz legend and father of Wynton and Branford Marsalis, passed away of Covid-19 at 85.

Julie Bennett, a voice actress who voiced Cindy Bear on The Yogi Bear Show, passed of Covid-19-related complications at 88.

Eddie Large, British comedian, passed of Covid-19 at 78.

Broadway actor Nick Cordero is unconscious in the ICU with likely Covid-19. He is 41 years old.

Ali Wentworth, comedian, actress and wife of George Stephanopoulos has tested positive.

Andrew Parker Bowles, Camilla’s ex-husband, has tested positive.

Brian Stokes, Tony Award-winning actor, has tested positive.

Chris Cuomo described his experience with the virus. It does not sound pleasant.

The Democratic National Convention has officially been postponed until mid-August.

The Monte Carlo Television Festival has been canceled.

The theatrical releases of Top Gun: Maverick, A Quiet Place 2, and Run Sweetheart Run

But Comic-Con is potentially still on. (It will be canceled.)

I am going to make this as brief as I can because it fills me with such fury to have to discuss this fucking asshole. But the President of the United States is accusing hospitals of having an “insatiable appetites” for medical supplies because the Incompetent-in-Chief is doing a piss-poor job of getting them necessary supplies:

Livid. I am livid. He has been in the White House for three years now. Three years where he was warned and warned and warned and WARNED AGAIN that a pandemic would hit us hard and that he needed to be better prepared and he decided to fire the pandemic experts instead.

I mean, I guess we should be relieved that he hasn’t fired Dr. Facui, but Dr. Anthony Fauci, he has had to step up his security because the people on the right are threatening his life for talkin’ science.

And one of President Fucko’s favorite networks, OANN, was kicked out of the White House press briefings for repeatedly violating the social distancing rules they had put in place. Apparently, reporters are taking turns going to the briefings so as to keep space between them, and OANN reporter Chanel Rion, kept showing up when it wasn’t her turn. But don’t worry! Rion is now claiming that White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham personally invited her to attend today’s press briefing, so yay.

Good news:

Sony has established a $100 million global relief fund.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Laurene Powell Jobs and Apple, and the Ford Foundation are launching America’s Food Fund with $12 million.

Oprah is donating $10 million towards food relief efforts. $1 million of that will go to America’s Food Fund.

Robert Kraft sent his private plane to China to bring back 1.2 million N95 masks.

The BBC’s highest-paid presenter Gary Lineker is donating two months of his salary to the Red Cross.

Amazon Prime is going to stream for free the movies that weren’t able to have their big SXSW premiere.

The first Harry Potter novel is available to stream for free on Audible.

This is just clever: A movie theater in Schertz, TX painted an exterior wall white and turned it into a drive-in and sold out every show.

Amazon and Whole Foods are finally going to provide their employees masks and temperature checks.

And here is NBC News correspondent Janis Mackey Frayer, who has been covering the crisis around the world, being reunited with her young son after 49 days apart, including a 14-day self-quarantine:

All Other TV News

The Television Academy Honors recognized six programs for “impacting society through thoughtful, powerful and innovative storytelling”: documentary specials At the Heart of Gold: Inside the USA Gymnastics Scandal (HBO) and 16 Shots (Showtime), limited series Watchmen (HBO) and Unbelievable (Netflix), drama series Queen Sugar (OWN) and comedy commentary program Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj (Netflix). Fuck yeah.

Information that might break your brain: Stephen Colbert auditioned to be — and thankfully was not cast as — Screech on Saved by the Bell.

In the interim between last night’s Real Housewives of New York premiere and when I finally get off my ass and catch up with recaps, here’s an article about what all the former RHONY housewives are now doing. Oh, Lunchbox Head, how I’ve missed you.

American Idol and The Rookie are doing a crossover because why should Dick Wolf have all the fun?

Though Community might get a boost from being on Netflix, don’t expect that once dreamed-of movie, it’s unlikely Donald Glover would want to participate according to Dan Harmon.

Fun fact: Broke‘s Jamie Camil is the first Latino to star in a CBS comedy … ever.

If you’re a T-Mobile customer, you’re going to get a year of Quibi for free. It launches on Monday.

FX’s Dave is on track to be the network’s biggest comedy success, beating out Atlanta, but that doesn’t guarantee a season renewal thanks to our weird times. (Though it will probably be renewed soon.)

Karen Valby explains why she’s anti-Tiger King in this Vanity Fair piece, to which I say “fair.”

In Development

Mark Your Calendars

  • Punk’d will debut on Quibi on April 6.
  • Run This City will debut on Quibi on April 6.
  • LA Originals will debut on Netflix on April 10.
  • Ultimate Tag is going to premiere on Fox on May 20.

R.I.P.

Ed Farmer, Chicago White Sox radio broadcaster

WATCH THIS

The Real Housewives of New York City: Season premiere. 8 p.m., Bravo

How to Get Away with Murder: Annaliese’s disappearance is exposed in the final season premiere. 9 p.m., ABC

Broke: Pauley Perrette stars in this new sitcom as a woman whose formerly wealthy sister and her family moves in with her. This new series also stars the wonderful Natasha Leggero and Jane the Virgin‘s Jaime Camil. Series premiere. 8:30 p.m., CBS

Man With a Plan: Birth control issues! Season premiere. 7:30 p.m., CBS

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Adam Sandler, Hot Country Knights
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Amy Poehler
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Alicia Keys
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Jennifer Aniston, Grouplove
  • The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show with Trevor Noah
  • Conan: Sean Hayes
  • Watch What Happens Live: Kyle Richards, Ramona Singer, Melissa Gorga, Joe Gorga
  • A Little Late with Lily Singh: Aisha Tyler, Rob Huebel
THUR 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Station 19
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Grey’s Anatomy
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How to Get Away With Murder
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CBS Young Sheldon
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Man With a Plan
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Mom
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Broke
(new)
Tommy
(new)
CW Katy Keene
(repeat)
Legacies
(repeat)
News/Local
FOX Last Man Standing
(new)
Last Man Standing
(repeat)
Mental Samurai
(repeat)
News/Local
NBC Super-store
(new)
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
(new)
Will & Grace
(repeat)
Indebted
(new)
Law & Order: SVU
(repeat)
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