Happy Friday! Hey, remember when we used to care about the weekend?
We are all the Dowager Countess now.
Well, it was likely to end this way — as we get further into season finale season, more and more shows are going to have to end their seasons prematurely thanks to this shitty situation that we find ourselves in. The most recent casualties are six of NBC’s dramas: Chicago Fire, Chicago P.D., Chicago Med, New Amsterdam, The Blacklist and Law & Order: SVU. While I imagine the Chicago series probably had some big action-packed cliffhangers planned for the finales, the truth of the matter is that all of these, with the exception of The Blacklist, are pretty straight-forward procedurals and the storytelling won’t be hurt by having to end early. And even The Blacklist is more procedural than not, so, you know. It’s not like poor Empire which had to scrap its series finale. ANYWAY, this is a long way to go to say that I have updated my season finale gallery, again, with a bunch more shows.
I also built a gallery of those HBO shows that they are offering for free, in the event you are more of a visual learner. AMC announced they too are offering some free programming, but it’s like this season of The Walking Dead, a bunch of BBC documentaries, some Comedy Bang Bang and a few other shows you are unlikely to care much about. What I’m saying is that it’s no free Sopranos and Veep.
But all of Battlestar Galactica for free? I can get behind that.
Other TV news:
The Ellen DeGeneres Show and Wendy Williams will both return on Monday, April 6.
Disney is now going to premiere Artemis Fowl on Disney+ instead of in theaters, though there’s no date set. Probably sometime this summer.
The Third Day, a limited series scheduled to debut on HBO next month, has been pushed back to the fall.
Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) is definitely furious that she wasn’t asked to be in a celebrity video about hand-washing. She tries to put together her own viral video where celebrities sing “Muffin Top” with new lyrics about how Covid-19 can be transferred through fecal matter. No one agrees to participate.
Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) gets a coveted invitation to do social distancing on Elon Musk’s private space bus. He has to decline, however, when he learns that his ex-wife Bianca (Isabella Rossellini) will he there; he knows he cannot stay six feet away from her.
Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) is named Secretary of Health and Human Services after giving millions of dollars to Republican PACs in order to “impress Kanye.” He believes that if the virus started with bats, then the opposite of a bat will fix it. And what is the opposite of “bat”? “Tab,” obviously. He makes sure that every American drinks too much Tab diet soda. It works.
Liz Lemon’s (Tina Fey) vast stores of stockpiled hoagie provisions and a DVR full of something called “Cake Monsters” leave her, frankly, looking forward to a bit of social distancing.
The Married to Medicine cast have some things to say about this pandemic that some of them are viewing from the front lines.
Peter Gamba, a longtime editor on The Real Housewives of New York, has passed away from the virus.
Patricia Bosworth, actress and author, has died of complications of the virus at 86.
Tragically, Jason Hargrove, a Detroit bus driver who posted on Facebook about his frustrations with customers who weren’t taking other people’s safety seriously, has died of COVID-19 complications.
Here’s an article on the jazz legends we are losing.
CNN’s Brooke Baldwin has tested positive for COVID-19.
Tiger King Joe Exotic himself has also tested positive.
Sara Bareilles has recovered from COVID-19.
The Just for Laughs Comedy Festival has been postponed until the fall.
The Supreme Court has delayed April oral arguments, thank God. I HOPE RBG IS IN A VAULT SOMEWHERE.
I swear, I think about moving up my already way-to-early happy hour every time I get to this part of the post, but let’s do politics.
For reasons that NO ONE can explain, President Jignlenuts’ son-in-law and haunted doll, Jared Kushner has been put in charge of the response to this thing, despite being a fucking failure at everything else he’s ever done aside from being born into a wealthy family and marrying into another wealthy family. Prince Nepotism was at yesterday’s White House press briefing where he said this:
JARED KUSHNER: "The notion of the federal stockpile was it's supposed to be our stockpile. It's not supposed to be states stockpiles that they then use." pic.twitter.com/9Q7j8QBCMv
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) April 2, 2020
YEAH WELL THE STATES ARE US, AND THE STOCKPILE IS OURS — MEANING ALL OF OURS — YOU FUCKING BLOODLESS GOON. GODDAMMIT WITH THESE PEOPLE. WHY IS HE IN THIS ROOM AGAIN?
Anyway. What he said was a gross misrepresentation and the way we know is that the CDC had to go back and change its website after this Edwardian ghost said this dumb thing.
After Jared Kushner’s comment about how the Strategic National Stockpile is not supposed to be for states, lots of people pointed to the fact that its own website says it is.
The language on the website has now been changed.
My screenshot from last night vs. one from today: pic.twitter.com/UwJFAr7uoV
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) April 3, 2020
I mentioned yesterday that Patriot’s owner Robert Kraft used his plane to get supplies from China, and it turns out he had to do so because the federal government is fucking this up so terribly. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE GOVERNMENT ABDICATES ITS RESPONSIBILITY AND PITS THE STATES AGAINST ONE ANOTHER FOR SUPPLIES INSTEAD OF ORGANIZING A UNIFIED AND SINGULAR EFFORT I CAN’T STOP SCREAMING.
And then there’s the Comfort, the ship President Public Relations sent to New York to help with hospital overload. Guess how many patients are on it. Go ahead, guess. Did you guess 3? Because there are 3. And Mercy in Los Angeles isn’t much better with only 15 patients.
And while we’re speaking of ships, Navy Captain Brett Crozier of the USS Theodore wrote a letter detailing the conditions on the ship where 114 sailors have tested positive (on a ship with 5,000). The ship is docked in Guam, but the Navy has done fuckall to get the sailors off. Anyway, the letter leaked to the media, and so, obviously, Captain Crozier was relieved of duty for trying to get help to his soldiers. He is the only federal official to be fired in this mess.
Here’s how his sailors sent him off:
The send off for Captain Brett Crozier who was relieved from duty for TRYING TO SAVE THE LIVES OF HIS CREW pic.twitter.com/EEDG1U3rYE
— Danny Ocean (@The_UnSilent_) April 3, 2020
Captain Crozier is a hero and I will not hear any BULLSHIT about “leakers.” I hope this video is one of the images we most remember when all this is said and done and that it stays with all of us in November.
Meanwhile, “Marie Antoinette Barbie” is using all her free time learning new instruments and reading Greek epics. I hate this entire family so much.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is donating $6 million to relief efforts for the industry.
The casts of Young Sheldon, Desperate Housewives, Jessie and Barry will reunite on the livestream Stars in the House to raise money for The Actors Fund.
Jeff Tweedy and Mavis Staples have recorded a song together to raise money for relief efforts:
Jeff Bezos is donating $100 million to the nation’s food banks after a number of serious P.R. missteps in all of this.
All Other TV News
There’s this personality quiz out there that everyone is taking that tells you which TV character you’re most like and I got someone from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine TO WHICH I OBJECT mostly because I’ve never watched a single episode. Also high on my list is Tyrion Lannister, and I’ll take it because I too drink and know (some) things.
Good news for Simpsons fans: Disney+ will begin airing episodes with the correct ratio aspect by the end of May.
That said, Mariska Hargitay is just as excited for Stabler to return as you are. (Or more likely she’s just excited to have Chris Meloni around again and who could blame her?)
Here’s a valid argument that Jim on The Office was a selfish jerk who was never going to make it work with Pam for the long haul.
These guys have recorded a podcast as Gil and George talking about Princess Diana, because sure.
Tomorrow this happens. https://t.co/I1PnvtWo2w
— John Mulaney (@mulaney) April 2, 2020
- The Conners is not renewed … YET, but it’s just a matter of time.
- Ben Silverman and Paul Lieberstein are making an office sitcom inspired by all the teleworking we’re doing these days.
- The creator of Criminal Minds is developing an animated series for Fox.
- The Obi-Wan series on Disney+ has found a new writer and is supposedly “back on track.”
- Tinseltown: Murder, Morphine, And Madness At The Dawn of Hollywood is being turned into a series at Spectrum.
- Leslie Jordan has been cast in Fox comedy Call Me Kat.
- Dylan Walsh has been added to the Supergirl cast as General Lane.
Mark Your Calendar
- NOS4A2 will return on AMC on June 1.
- In the Dark returns on The CW on April 16.
- 50 States of Fright will debut on Quibi in April.
- The Innocence Files will premiere on Netflix on April 15.
- 0.0 Mhz will debut on Shudder on April 23.
- Wynona Earp is going to have a marathon on Syfy on April 9.
- Food Network is airing a Joanna Gaines cooking show on April 5, but there is literally no information about what the show is called SO OK.
- 90 Day Fiancé: Self-Quarantined will debut on TLC on April 20.
- Live PD will return on A&E tonight.
- For My Man will return on TV One on April 23.
Bill Withers, Grammy award winner and legendary singer. “Lovely Day” is just one of the most beautiful songs ever recorded. But “Ain’t No Sunshine,” “Use Me,” “Just the Two of Us,” and, of course, “Lean on Me,” are all classics. That voice …
Giacinto Gorga, The father of Melissa and Joe Gorga
Hawaii Five-0: In the series finale, Steve solves a 10-year-old case. 8 p.m., CBS
DisneyNature’s Elephant: Meghan Markle narrates this new documentary. Disney+
Future Man: The third and final season. Hulu
Home Before Dark: In this new series based on a true story, a young girl investigates a cold case that her town wants to leave buried. Series premiere. Apple TV+
Tales From the Loop: Sci-fi stuff! I honestly do not know! Series premiere. Amazon
Harley Quinn: Season two. 8 a.m., DC Universe
The Ten Commandments: I know we no longer have any sense of time, but Passover begins this Wednesday. 6 p.m., ABC
Good Boys: Three 12-year-old boys have an adventure and say bad words. 7 p.m., HBO
World on Fire: A 7-part World War II drama that follows the lives of ordinary people during the conflict. Series premiere. 8 p.m., PBS
ACM Presents: Our Country: Well, the Academy of Country Music Awards had to be canceled because, you know. So instead, they are serving up this special featuring interviews and acoustic performances. 7 p.m., CBS
Black Panther: Wakanda forever. 7 p.m., TNT
The Walking Dead: “The Tower.” 8 p.m., AMC
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (Friday): Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, Lewis Capaldi
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