Well, last night was … really something. In the span of about an hour:
President Inept gave a televised address from the Oval Office in which he announced that all travel and trade and cargo from Europe (excepting the U.K.) was going to be shut down on Friday, thereby creating COMPLETE PANIC for Americans who happened to be in Europe this week and all of the members of the European Union — WHOM HE DID NOT WARN. He also called the virus a “foreign virus” because why not throw a little racism in on top of all of this. You know, for fun.
Within the hour of the address, the White House had to put out corrections TO THE THINGS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES SAID ON LIVE TV. Apparently, the travel restrictions only apply to foreigners, not Americans, and trade and cargo would not, in fact, be halted. Oh, and they also had to clarify that health insurers were waving co-pays for just testing, not all treatment despite what the President of the United States just lied.
Of course, there’s no good reason for this travel ban — the virus is here, and it’s not like Americans who have been traveling abroad have some magical immunity from the virus that Europeans do not. The ban is all for show, to pretend that this White House is DOING SOMETHING and not just twiddling their thumbs while this virus infects us all. AND I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO SCREAM ABOUT THE FACT THAT THE TRAVEL BAN DOESN’T EFFECT COUNTRIES WHERE THIS ASSHOLE HAS RESORTS EXCEPT OOPS I GUESS I JUST DID.
my teenage daughter edited together a version of trump's address with only heavy breathing moments and I honestly don't think I've ever been prouder of her
— ǝpᴉuɥɔs (@schnd) March 12, 2020
Also, the futures plummeted last night immediately following his address. And the stock market this morning has melted down so badly, they’ve had to pause trading twice — TWICE! — so far.
Then we learned that America’s Sweethearts, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, have tested positive for the virus. Seems Tom and Rita were in Australia when they came down with symptoms and so they got themselves tested WHICH IS SOMETHING THEY CAN JUST DO IN AUSTRALIA. UNLIKE SOME PLACES.
Anyway, Tom and Rita will be fine, which I can’t say the same for the rest of us.
View this post on Instagram
Hello, folks. @ritawilson and I are down here in Australia. We felt a bit tired, like we had colds, and some body aches. Rita had some chills that came and went. Slight fevers too. To play things right, as is needed in the world right now, we were tested for the Coronavirus, and were found to be positive. Well, now. What to do next? The Medical Officials have protocols that must be followed. We Hanks’ will be tested, observed, and isolated for as long as public health and safety requires. Not much more to it than a one-day-at-a-time approach, no? We’ll keep the world posted and updated. Take care of yourselves! Hanx!
BUT AS IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH FOR ONE HOUR, the NBA announced the ENTIRE SEASON HAS BEEN SUSPENDED.
Man we cancelling sporting events, school, office work, etc etc. What we really need to cancel is 2020! 🤦🏾♂️. Damn it’s been a rough 3 months. God bless and stay safe🙏🏾
— LeBron James (@KingJames) March 12, 2020
So, a Thunder/Jazz game was canceled last night with no information given to the crowd other than “we are all safe” but that they needed to go home due to unforeseen circumstances. Those circumstances: a player on the Jazz had tested positive for the virus.
Turns out, Jazz player Rudy Gobert played a hilarious joke at a press conference a few days ago in which he touched all the microphones he had just used, and GUESS WHAT? He tested positive and is patient zero:
NBA player, Rudy Gobert, finished his press conference a couple days ago by stopping to touch every microphone and tape recorder.
He just tested positive for coronavirus.
Entire NBA season halted. pic.twitter.com/bLLm5XswPO
— The Hoarse Whisperer (@HoarseWisperer) March 12, 2020
Alright. Deep breath. Here’s everything else going on, specifically in the TV and entertainment business:
- Full Frontal with Samantha Bee, The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, Late Night with Seth Meyers, Watch What Happens Live!, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and The Greg Gutfeld Show all taped (or will tape) without audiences. On the West Coast, Jimmy Kimmel Live! and The Late Late Show with James Corden will also lose audiences.
- Lights Out with David Spade is the first West Coast late night show to tape without an audience.
- The Today Show and Today with Hoda and Jenna also taped without audiences.
- The Ellen DeGeneres Show will tape without audiences beginning next week.
- Survivor has delayed production on season 41.
- Riverdale has shut down taping.
- Production of Russian Doll, Rutherford Falls, and Little America have all been postponed.
- CBS News has evacuated their offices.
- Production on Ryan Murphy’s film The Prom has been suspended.
- Making the Band auditions have been canceled.
- The Kids’ Choice Awards have been postponed.
- The Little Fires Everywhere premiere has been canceled.
- The release of Quiet Place II has been postponed.
- As has the next Fast & Furious movie, F9.
- As has the release of The Lovebirds.
- The BBC director warned that the channel could go dark in some areas.
- PaleyFest LA has been postponed.
- California Governor Gavin Newsom has called for all large gatherings to be postponed or canceled through the end of the month. This would be hard for all shows with audiences.
- The GLAAD Media Awards have been canceled.
- A Broadway usher has tested positive but they haven’t canceled shows yet WHICH IS JUST IRRESPONSIBLE. The mayor doesn’t want Broadway to go dark BUT TOO BAD. IT NEEDS TO. JUST FOR A WEEK. MAYBE TWO.
- The Seattle Mariners won’t open their season in Seattle. The MLB is not suspending the season … yet, but they have some boneheaded idea of having the games play in the visiting cities if the home cities have an outbreak. HEY GUESS WHAT, GENIUSES? EVERY CITY HAS AN OUTBREAK. WE JUST DON’T KNOW IT YET BECAUSE WE ARE NOT TESTING ENOUGH.
- Major League Soccer is suspended for 30 days. Spanish soccer is also suspended while one of the biggest stars, Cristiano Ronaldo is under quarantine.
- The NCAA Basketball Tournament will be played without spectators.
- The National Association of Broadcasters has canceled their Las Vegas conference.
- UCLA’s 44th annual Entertainment Symposium — and I’m not making this up — whose keynote address was called “It’s the End of the World As We Know It — And We Feel Fine” has been postponed.
- Activision Blizzard has canceled esports events.
- The National Association of Theatre Owners has canceled their conference.
- Joel Osteen’s Lakewood church, which is maybe three miles from my home, has canceled services for this weekend.
- Finally, Sunday’s Democratic debate is moving from Phoenix to Washington D.C. to reduce cross-country travel.
Meanwhile, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh are insisting that we’re all panicking for no reason. So that should go well for their overwhelmingly elderly audiences.
Screenshots from last night's Fox News and Fox Business coverage of coronavirus heavy on Dear Leader-ism and media blame.
Yes, that's a photo from the Benghazi attacks in the Ingraham one. pic.twitter.com/5KDuGcl544
— Matthew Gertz (@MattGertz) March 11, 2020
But some good news: Daniel Radcliffe is healthy! (For now.)
wanna feel old? the impeachment acquittal vote was last month
— Grace Segers (@Grace_Segers) March 12, 2020
In Other TV News
Hey: two first responder shows were renewed this week. I guess we’re all looking for heroes right about now.
For no good reason that I can suss out, Elisabeth Hasselbeck guest hosted The View yesterday to an empty studio. It was weird.
Whoopi Goldberg repeating “welcome to The View” to empty audience chairs is both peak apocalypse horror and high camp. pic.twitter.com/VZroTYVT0N
— Joey Nolfi (@joeynolfi) March 11, 2020
Anyway. What was ACTUALLY peak apocalypse horror and high camp was watching Elisabeth Hasselbeck declare in complete seriousness that President Disease Vector has got this handled.
Look at this shit: “We’ve had affected cases, those are serious,” Hasselbeck said. “We’ve had deaths, those are serious. This is not to be taken lightly at all, but we shouldn’t be in a state of panic because what we’re doing, and taking cues from our president, is taking early, strong, bold actions to keep this at bay as much as we possibly can right now. We’re still on the front end of this. We’re on the very front end of this now, and I feel comfortable and confident that because of strong leadership.”
I’M SORRY, WHAT “EARLY, STRONG, BOLD ACTIONS” HAS THIS PRESIDENT TAKEN AGAINST THIS PANDEMIC EXACTLY? I WOULD LIKE A LIST PLEASE.
oh dear god – not again – enough with her
— ROSIE (@Rosie) March 11, 2020
Oh, nothing to see here. Just Sarah Palin singing “Baby Got Back” in a bear suit because AN ACTUAL HELLMOUTH OPENED UP IN 2016 AND WE ALL FELL INTO IT.
White House failed
Call your doctor
Death Toll risin’
MASS CONTAGION!!! https://t.co/B4vilYUNS0
— Bruce Handy (@henryfingjames) March 12, 2020
So Zack Morris hasn’t changed his hairstyle in 20 years? Actually, you know what, that checks out.
Here is everything coming to HBO Max when it launches in May. If we’re all still here by then.
- Queer Eye was renewed for a 6th season on Netflix and will be in Austin this time, yay!
- Injustice with Nancy Grace has been renewed at Oxygen.
- Suspicion, a thriller based on the Israeli series False Flag, has been ordered at Apple TV+. It will star Uma Thurman.
- American Gigolo, starring John Bernthal, has been ordered at Showtime.
- Trip, a comedy set on Fire Island, has been ordered by Quibi.
- Exhumed, The Case Died With Her, and The Jane Doe Murders have all been picked up on Oxygen.
- Richard E. Grant is joining Loki on Disney+.
- AnnaSophia Robb and Chris Sullivan have been cast in Dr. Death on Peacock.
- Angelique Cabral and Tone Bell are your new Kelly and Ryan in the upcoming ABC comedy pilot Work Wife.
- James Harrison, Chris Bauer and, Allen Maldonado have been cast in Heels on Starz.
- Simone Recasner and Jon Rudnitsky have been set as regulars on The Big Leap, a Fox dramedy pilot.
- Tavi Gevinson, Thomas Doherty, Adam Chanler-Berat, and Zion Moreno have been cast in the Gossip Girl series on HBO Max.
- Charlie McElveen has been cast in The Bride on ABC.
- Juan Alfonso has been cast in Ultra Violet & Blue Demon on Disney Channel.
Mark Your Calendars
- Tooning Out the News will debut on CBS All Access on March 16.
- Beastie Boys Story will debut on Apple TV+ on April 2.
- Deadly Recall will return on Investigation Discovery on April 15.
- Bering Sea Gold will return on Discovery on April 1.
- Into the Dark: Pooka Lives will premiere on Hulu on April 3.
- An hour-long Schitt’s Creek special will air after the series finale on April 7.
Everything’s Gonna Be Okay: The family navigates New York City in the season finale. 7:30 p.m., Freeform
Project Runway: Season finale. 8 p.m., Bravo
The Unicorn: Wade reflects on the changes in his life in the past year in the season finale. 7:30 p.m., CBS
Mom: Majorie babysits her granddaughter for the first time. Season finale. 8 p.m., CBS
Carol’s Second Act: Season finale. 8:30 p.m., CBS
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Mandy Moore, Dane DeHaan
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: John Krasinski, Regina Hall, Bones UK, Steve Ferrone
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Dixie Chicks, Michael Pollan
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Niall Horan, Vin Diesel, Eiza González
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Patrick Stewart, Tony Hale, Jhene Aiko featuring Miguel, guest host Pete Buttigieg
- The Daily Show: Octavia Spencer
- Conan: Nick Offerman
- Lights Out with David Spade: Colin Quinn, Nikki Glaser, Fortune Feimster
- Watch What Happens Live: Nina Garcia, Diane Von Furstenberg
- A Little Late with Lily Singh: Tan France
|A Million Little Things
|Carol’s Second Act
|FOX||Last Man Standing
|Will & Grace
|Law & Order: SVU