HI. How are you feeling? Sweaty? Feverish? Headachey? Anxious? Yeah, me too. So here’s what we’re going to do: before we get to the virus news, because that’s pretty much all there is anymore, we’re going focus on something a little more fun for two minutes.
So as you might have noticed, I have become VERY lazy with my recaps, giving up on many of them altogether. I blame Donald Marie Trump and I am not joking. Thanks to his incompetence, crises pop up every five minutes and it takes me until 2 p.m. to finish these posts, and I’m stuck glued to MSNBC and can’t watch the shows to recap them and AAAAAGRRHGHGHHHH.
Well, as of later today when I post my final Bachelor post of the season (and when I finish another project that I am veryveryclose to, but won’t mention here lest I curse myself), a big chunk of my recapping time will open back up and I intend to get back to one or two series that I have abandoned faster than Tiffany Trump by her father. I’ve drafted a poll of all the shows I (remember) recapping and am curious what you, Dear Reader, are most interested in me catching up with. But feel free to suggest a series, too, because why the hell not, we’re all going to be dead in a month anyway:
And I’m posting this poll all next week, so feel free to vote often.
Damon Lindelof is threatening to do something in the Marvel Universe, forcing me to have to watch something in the Marvel Universe.
Well well well, look who just got fined over $850,000 for “producing and selling modified diesel pickups that wreaked environmental havoc in the state of Utah.” Christ, what assholes.
Teresa Giudice is threatening to freeze her eggs to try for a son. Good God, WHY?
Listen. There just isn’t much TV news out there that isn’t about the virus, so enjoy 80 minutes of Seinfeld bloopers some guy found on a bootleg DVD in a flea market:
Leading into our next category, CNBC Mad Money host / Squawk on the Street co-anchor Jim Cramer, took a call in the middle of his show from the White House and then returned on air to say that he thinks the administration is going to take some of his advice on how to deal with the economic nervousness caused by Covid-19. I will point out that Jim Cramer is the same man who Jon Stewart DRAGGED OVER THE COALS so ruthlessly for his terrible advice during the 2008 recession that there is an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to it. So yeah, let’s definitely get his input on this.
Going Viral
President Yutz has declared a national emergency after doing essentially FUCK ALL to contain Covid-19 despite having months of advance notice. I didn’t realize that when I said he prevented testing because he was worried it would hurt his reelection campaign made me sound like a conspiracy theorist — I thought it was just FUCKING OBVIOUS — but apparently, people are only just now coming around to realizing this.
I know I shouldn’t hate anyone but …
And now, courtesy of your malignant administration, our daily list of everything that has been shut down by this virus:
- The late night shows are going to go on hiatus — which is understandable and the correct decision, but a shame as we could all use a good laugh right now.
- Hard days for sports fans: The NCAA has canceled March Madness; the NHL has suspended their season; MLB has suspended spring training and postponed Opening Day; the Premiere League has suspended their season; the Masters has been postponed. Deadspin has relaunched early in response.
- Disneyland, Disneyworld, Universal Studios, Six Flags, and Knott’s Berry Farms have all closed temporarily.
- Music festivals are being canceled left and right. LiveNation and AEG have suspended concerts in March.
- Mount Everest is closed.
- Los Angeles school district, the second largest in the country, has shut down. HISD has also closed until March 30.
- Broadway has closed down for a month — a shutdown that could cost the industry some $550 million.
Wish I could send you peace of mind via this app.
Alas.
But I can send you music no one's heard. Here's a cut Hamilton/Washington tune called I Have This Friend. No one's heard it, not even Kail.
Funnier if you picture me and @ChrisisSingin singing it.https://t.co/lhkLP0jQeT— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) March 12, 2020
TV Shows that have halted production:
- The Morning Show
- The Nightingale
- Wheel of Time
- The Flash
- Lucifer
- NCIS
- NCIS: Los Angeles
- NCIS: New Orleans
- Bull
- Dynasty
- The Good Fight
- Foundation
- Chicago Fire
- Chicago Med
- Chicago P.D.
- FBI
- New Amsterdam
- Angelyne
- The Kelly Clarkson Show
- The Wendy Williams Show
- Carnival Row
- Grace and Frankie
- Grey’s Anatomy
- Price is Right
- One Day at a Time; Tosh.0; Ridiculousness; and America’s Got Talent will all be filmed without audiences (if they don’t shut down production altogether).
- FS1 has suspended its live studio shows.
- The pilot season is in CHAOS.
- The Upfronts live events have been CANCELED. All of the major networks: NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, and The CW. Roku and Discovery have also canceled their Upfronts.
- Joy Behar will not be on The View for a while.
- Emmy For Your Consideration events have been canceled.
- Netflix is in lockdown.
- L.A. Screenings has been canceled.
- WarnerMedia has told employees to work from home.
- Movies that have halted production: The Last Duel; Official Competition; Bros; The Little Mermaid, Home Alone, The Last Duel, Nightmare Alley, Peter Pan & Wendy, and Shrunk; Nightmare Alley.
- Movies whose releases have been postponed: Mulan; Antlers; New Mutants; The Artist’s Wife.
- The Tribeca Film Festival has been postponed.
- The TCM Classic Film Festival has been canceled.
- SXSW is still going to give out awards, but they will stream them.
- Sony, Paramount, and Warner Brothers have suspended studio tours.
- No more red carpets.
- DGA has closed its offices.
- Steven Soderbergh knew it was just a matter of time.
- BAFTA is going to hold its game awards “behind closed doors” whatever the hell that means. Their TV awards are still at this time on track.
- And Cannes is STILL ON.
- Louisiana has postponed the primary election. Terrific.
- Jorge Ramos has pulled out of Sunday’s Democratic Debate as he’s potentially been exposed to the virus.
- The Queen and Prince Charles have canceled events and travel.
- Â Justin Trudeau and his wife Sophie and Charles Barkley are all in quarantine, and Ted Cruz is having to extend his quarantine.
- Lindsey Graham is in quarantine and let me tell you why this is amazing: this fucker had been on Hannity just a few nights ago claiming this whole thing is overblown. In fact, Fox News has been pushing misinformation about the virus HARD, making the very people most at risk from this thing — their demographic — particularly vulnerable. And what do you know, but yesterday the people who actually run Fox News told the staff to cut back on bookings, telecommute and have decided to expand live coverage of the virus news. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE UNLIKE SEAN FUCKING HANNITY, THEY UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY A DEMOCRATIC PLOT AGAINST OUR INCOMPETENT PRESIDENT. Of course, that didn’t stop Jerry Fucking Falwell Jr. from going on Fox & Friends and claiming that people are overreacting and this was all about an attempt to “get” Dear Leader THIS MORNING. But going back to Lindsey, he’s quarantining himself because he was at Mar-A-Lago with the fascist President of Brazil Jair Bolsonaro who it had been reported — and then walked back — had tested positive for Corvid-19. HEY YOU KNOW WHO WAS ALSO WITH BOLSONARO AND WHO IS REFUSING TO BE TESTED?
- Finally, here are the Trader Joe’s products that even a pandemic can’t make people panic buy. Fuck you, cauliflower pizza.
In Development
- Julia, a series about Julia Childs has been ordered to pilot at HBO Max. Sarah Lancashire has been cast as Julia (and she looks startlingly like my dearly departed mother-in-law). Also joining the cast: Tom Hollander, Brittany Bradford, Fran Kranz, Fiona Glascott, Bebe Neuwirth, Isabella Rossellini, and Jefferson Mays.
- Danger in the Dorm; Mortan Danger; Practice to Deceive; Bitter Harvest; and Empty Promises, all movies based on Ann Rule true crime books, are being made at Lifetime for a summer release.
- We’re Never Getting Married, a romantic comedy, has been ordered at Quibi.
- Morning Report; Evening Report; Saturday Report; and Sunday Report, all NBC News programs, are coming to Quibi. (Which is interesting considering Peacock is also about to launch? Hrm.)
- Fernando, a documentary about Spanish race car driver, Fernando Alonso, has been ordered at Amazon.
- Amazon has also ordered a documentary series following the Paris Saint-Germain soccer team.
Casting News
- Ozzy Osbourne and Sharon Osbourne are going to guest star on The Conners.
- Lex Scott Davis has joined the ABC pilot Rebel.
- Violet Brinson and Kale Culley have joined the cast of The CW’s Walker, Texas Ranger reboot.
- Elliot Fletcher has joined the cast in Y: The Last Man on FX.
- Roman Banks and Olivia Rose Keegan have joined High School Musical: The Musical: The Series.
Mark Your Calendar
- CBS has released their updated schedule, following the cancelation of March Madness. It’s just a bunch of reruns, the only news here is that they are splitting up the Hawaii Five-0 finale to two nights, March 27 and April 3.
- Insecure returns on HBO on April 12.
- Tosh.0 will return on Comedy Central March 17.
- House in a Hurry will debut on HGTV on March 22.
- Marvel’s Spider-Man: Maximum Venom on DisneyXD on April 19.
- Mysteries of the Abandoned will return on Science Channel on March 26.
- Saved by the Barn will debut on Animal Planet on April 11.
WATCH THIS
FRIDAY
Bloodride: A Norweigian horror anthology with a dark humorous twist. Series premiere. Netflix
Stargirl: Grace VanderWaal stars in the movie which is not to be confused by the upcoming CW series. Disney+
Elite: More sexy teen murder. Complete season three. Netflix
Love Island: Australia: Love Island but, you know, with a bunch of dumb Aussies. Season premiere. Hulu
The Pale Horse: Rufus Sewell stars in this adaptation of the Agatha Christie novel. Amazon
Lincoln Rhyme: The Hunt for the Bone Collector: Lincoln risks himself to save his son in the season finale. 8 p.m., NBC
SATURDAY
Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw: ZOOM! 7 p.m., HBO
The Fast & the Furious marathon: Because you’ll never be able to follow Hobbs & Shaw if you don’t see all 15 earlier movies. 4:30 p.m., WGN
Watchmen: The movie, so as to remind you just how good the show was. 9 p.m., IFC
SUNDAY
Westworld: The bebots are loose in our world and making trouble. 8 p.m., HBO
Black Monday: Mo runs from his past in the season premiere. 9 p.m., Showtime
Avenue 5: Chaos breaks out when a seat on a rescue shuttle becomes available in the season finale. 9:15 p.m., HBO
The Wall: Season premiere. 6 p.m., NBC
The Walking Dead: The Whisperers attack Hilltop with Negan’s help. 8 p.m., AMC
Late Night:
- Watch What Happens Live (Sunday): Reza Farahan, Destiney Rose
| FRI. | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 |
| ABC | Shark Tank (repeat) |
20/20 (repeat) |
| CBS | MacGyver (new) |
Hawaii Five-0 (new) |
Blue Bloods (new) |
| CW | Penn & Teller: Fool Us (repeat) |
Whose Line is it Anyway? (repeat) |
Whose Line is it Anyway? (repeat) |
Local |
| FOX | Friday Night Smackdown (new) |
Local |
| NBC | Lincoln Rhyme: The Hunt for the Bone Collector (new) |
Dateline (new) |
—
| SAT. | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 | 10:00 | 10:30 | 11:00 | 11:30 |
| ABC | NBA Basketball (live) |
News/Local |
| CBS | NCIS: Los Angeles (repeat) |
48 Hours (new) |
48 Hours (new) |
News/Local |
| FOX | Big East Basketball Tournament (live) |
LEGO Masters (repeat) |
News/Local |
| NBC | The Fate of the Furious | News/ Local |
Saturday Night Live (repeat) |
—
| SUN. | 6:00 | 6:30 | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 |
| ABC | America’s Funniest Home Videos (new) |
American Idol (new) |
The Rookie (new) |
| CBS | 60 Minutes (new) |
God Friended Me (new) |
NCIS: New Orleans (new) |
NCIS: New Orleans (new) |
| The CW | Local | Batwoman (new) |
Supergirl (new) |
Local |
| FOX | The Simpsons (repeat) |
Bob’s Burgers (repeat) |
The Simpsons (new) |
Duncan-ville (new) |
Bob’s Burgers (new) |
Family Guy (new) |
Local/News |
| NBC | The Wall (new) |
Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist (repeat) |
Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist (new) |
Good Girls (new) |
Send all those pending recaps to the circular file. The Assignment Desk has three other ideas, all of them ridiculously ambitious.
#1 Career recap: Kaitlyn Dever
I just watched the film Booksmart this week and it’s a lot of fun, and Dever is of course a big part of it. So let’s see where she came from. You’ll review the story lines in Justified that involved her character. Maybe not one entry per episode, but at least a handful of blog entries, all told. And then you’ll look at her work in Unbelievable. (This will be a tough (re-)watch.) Of course if you care to comment on Toni Collette and Merritt Wever, that’s fine too.
Somewhere in between you might check a few Eve-centered episodes of Last Man Standing, just to see what she does with … um … material of a different stripe.
#2 Career recap: Damian Lewis
Same sort of deal. Maybe a look at Band of Brothers. Pick a sampling of Life, the quirky NBC procedural. But the meat of this assignment will be his work on Homeland. And then Billions, which I can’t believe will have aired 60 episodes by the end of July. (I haven’t seen a single one, but I hear the performances are fun, at least.) You could even check in with Wolf Hall, if you’re feeling PBSsy.
#3 All right, you probably won’t take up either of the first two, but maybe this one, the most ambitious of all, will be to your liking. We’ll call it: Chasing Chase.
That’s right: You’re recapping The Sopranos. Maybe you start with a look back at The Rockford Files, or maybe you’ll skip that and just dig right into Season 1, Episode 1 (“Pilot”).
For the sake of your sanity, please ignore this entire message.
Stan: You literally made me laugh out loud with this. Wonderful ideas, all of them, will never happen.
-T