‘The Bachelor’: Love Conquers All … Except Barb

The Bachelor
March 10, 2020

We begin in the Bachelor Studio where Chris Harrison points out Ally McBeal is in attendance (despite not being fucked to show up to the “Women Tell All” — AND GOOD FOR HER), as is Neil Lane, as are Pilot Peter’s Pilot Parents, who for our purposes here will be referred to by their given names: Barb and Pilot Papa. (Look, Pilot Papa’s name is Peter, too, and it’ll just get confusing. But “Barb Cam” is much funnier than “Pilot Mama Cam,” so I’m using it.)

Chris Harrison first sends us back to Australia to deal with the mess Pilot Peter has made for himself. Quick refresher in the event you’ve suffered a head injury since reading the previous recap: Purity Ball dumped Pilot Peter’s ass after meeting his parents and realizing that they were right, the two of them aren’t compatible and it’s just never going to work out. Pilot Peter was then left with his second choice, Van Gogh, with whom he did his best to pretend nothing was wrong, going so far as to not tell her that Purity Ball self-eliminated. However, Van Gogh could sense something was wrong, and her worries were not ameliorated when he told her that his heart was being pulled into two different directions, but that she was his “rock” through all of this bullshittery that he himself created.

OK. SO. Now we’re in the Outback on the morning of the engagement and Pilot Peter goes for a jog to convince himself that not only is he in love with Van Gogh but that it was actually a good idea to propose to her! Just a really good idea that has no downside!

Pilot Peter meets with Neil Lane and picks out a ring and Neil Lane is like, “Great, now if you’ll excuse me, I have a walkabout scheduled, please do not involve me further in this season, thanks.”

Pilot Peter gets dressed while yammering about Van Gogh’s “beautiful heart.” He then calls Van Gogh’s father and over FaceTime asks for Van Gogh’s hand in marriage.

oh no

Mr. Van Gogh’s Dad tells Pilot Peter that he trusts his daughter and whatever decision she makes, so yeah? Sure? He guesses?

Meanwhile, Van Gogh also gets dressed but she’s a lot more like, “What the fuck am I even doing? Why am I wasting my time with this guy who can’t bother to tell me that he loves me?” And then, in her full formal gown, Van Gogh lies down on the bed, defeated. YES, GIRL. GO WITH THAT. YOU’RE GOING TO WANT TO GO WITH THAT.

Pilot Peter arrives at the Proposal Deck which is just dripping in the requisite proposal vases but he is soon met by Chris Harrison who informs him that he is not positive that Van Gogh is going to show up. GOOD! DON’T! GET ON A PLANE, VAN GOGH!

Pilot Peter walks in circles for a while before retreating to a trailer where he has a short liedown.

But Van Gogh changes her mind and she arrives at the Proposal Deck and Pilot Peter is thrilled to see her. There he tells her that he has cherished every moment with her, and that though he was torn in two different directions, he is now ready to follow his heart and OhByTheWayPurityBallLeftTwoDaysAgoDon’tWorryAboutIt, now he loves her and she is definitely not his second choice and will she marry him?

Van Gogh seems genuinely surprised to be hearing this, and accepts his proposal.

I would note that we are only 22 minutes into a two-hour finale.

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Pilot Peter goes through the motion of offering her the final rose and she accepts before we head back to the Studio where Chris Harrison is all, “OH JUST WAIT, BITCHES.”

Apparently, and I don’t know that I realized this until now, but the producers send the families back home immediately after meeting the final two, and Pilot Peter, he decided to wait to tell his parents who he chose until he returned home and had a full camera crew with him. So he comes in and after Barb sobs about how much she’s missed him — IT’S BEEN A WEEK, BARB — Pilot Peter tells them that he’s engaged. He then proceeds to  drag it out forfuckingever before revealing what Barb has wanted to hear: he’s proposed to Van Gogh. Barb literally SCREAMS with joy and begins immediately calling Van Gogh her “daughter …”

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… and then they all FaceTime poor Van Gogh together where Barb calls her “daughter” a few more times and while “daughter” is better than “rock” it’s still cringey.

We then cut back to the Bachelor Studio where Barb and Pilot Papa are crying so I’m sure this has a very happy ending for everyone!

Chris Harrison calls Pilot Peter out and they chat for a while about what an amazing day it was when he told his parents that he chose Van Gogh, but how he also was still heartbroken over Purity Ball and that he wasn’t able to 100% put those feelings aside.

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When we return from the commercial break, Chris Harrison warns us that Van Gogh is backstage for this next segment, and they give us a shot of Van Gogh to confirm this, and Dear Reader, Van Gogh looks PISSED.

SO. We are back in Los Angeles when Van Gogh arrives at Pilot Peter’s house in some very comfy clothes and maybe some less than washed hair NOT THAT I CAN CRITICIZE, GOD KNOWS. They sit on the couch together and that’s when The Barb Cam is activated in the corner of the screen so you KNOW some shit is about to go down. Worry less about what is going on with Van Gogh’s ass — which is a lot, and more about what is happening in the lower left-hand corner:

barb cam the bachelor

After a lot of throat-clearing, Pilot Peter notes that it’s been a month since they last saw each other and it’s been really hard and she knows she’s his “rock” …

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Call her your “rock” one more time, you idiot …

Pilot Peter then insists that he’s been “honest” with her about everything he’s going through and that he DEFINITELY fell in love with her, FOR REAL THOUGH, but …

And Van Gogh is like, “Look. When I said yes to your proposal, I was saying yes to being your partner, to being your teammate, to working through difficult things together, NOT TO YOU BEING A PUNK ASS LITTLE BITCH WHO BAILS ON ME THE FIRST MOMENT YOU GOT BORED WITH THIS.”

Pilot Peter laments that he wants to give her everything she deserves, but, alas, he cannot. And Van Gogh is like, “OH. OK COOL. I TRUSTED YOU AND YOU TOLD ME TO BE PATIENT AND HAVE FAITH AND I DID ALL THAT AND NOW YOU’RE DOING THIS TO ME? FUCKING FANTASTIC. THANKS FOR TAKING MY FIRST ENGAGEMENT FROM ME, ASSHOLE.”

With that, Van Gogh escapes into a bathroom for a while. That’s where after a sob on the couch, Pilot Peter finds her and insists that he’s sorry from the bottom of his heart. “Sorry for what?” Little Miss I Underestimated Her demands to know.  Pilot Peter suggests he’s sorry for confusing her, and she is like, “How about being sorry for not being man enough for this? How about being sorry for not being true with your words and feelings?”

Van Gogh tells Pilot Peter that he took a precious moment from her all because he was a selfish asshole (I MEAN, HAVE YOU SEEN THE ENTIRE SEASON? THAT’S HIS WHOLE BRAND.) who didn’t want his backup plan to walk away. Van Gogh tells him that she can’t look at him anymore, he’s done enough damage, and gives him back his ring while Barb Cam registers disgust with her own son.

hannah ann ring crying bachelor

Van Gogh then begins heading out the door, while Pilot Peter tries to insist that she stay and let him talk to her. She’s like, “BITCH, WHY? WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO ANY MORE OF YOUR BULLLLLLLSHIT? I’M LEAVING AND I’M GOING TO GET MY LIFE BACK AND I AM GOING TO FUCK MY WAY THROUGH THE ENTIRE BACHELOR IN PARADISE CAST, MEN AND WOMEN, AND I AM STRONG. I AM MY OWN ‘ROCK’ THROUGHOUT THIS, GODDAMMIT, SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME.”

Pilot Peter walks her to the Go Away Now I TAKE MY LEAVE NOW Van where he tries to pop his head in to tell her goodbye and gets this in response:

hannah ann leave goodbye no

i love her america's next top model

We return to the Bachelor Studio where Chris Harrison is like, “Bad news, bro. Van Gogh is backstage and now’s the part where we bring her out to yell at you some more.”

And then they do. And Barba is here for it:

After a tense sidehug, Van Gogh is all, “I have a whole list of things that I did not get to in that last bit, so get comfortable:

1. When you said letting me walk away would be the biggest regret of your life, did you just not mean it or are you so stupid you don’t know how words work?

2. You said you wish we had met outside of reality TV. Well HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK? YOU SIGNED UP TO BE THE BACHELOR, YOU AREN’T A SLAVE.

3. And what was that bullshit of you not mentioning that Purity Ball had left the show until the middle of your proposal? You had TWO FULL DAYS to tell me the truth and then you just slide it in the middle of the proposal hoping I wouldn’t notice, you coward?

4. Thanks to your inability to be honest with me, I didn’t realize when I accepted your proposal that our engagement would involve two other women: Purity Ball and Hannah Brown. SO THAT WAS COOL.

And in conclusion, if you want to be with a woman, you need to become a real man.”

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And then Van Gogh emerges from the now-on-fire Bachelor Studio and everyone BOWS DOWN.

When we return from the commercial break, Van Gogh has flown off on Drogon, and Chris Harrison reveals to a scorched Pilot Peter that he went to Auburn, Alabama  without telling him, and he obviously filmed the whole thing.

Chris Harrison arrives at the Purity Ball home where she welcomes him inside. There, he asks her how she’s been and she reveals that getting into the Go Home Now van was the hardest thing she’s ever done, and Chris Harrison puts words into her mouth, suggesting that she regrets leaving the show early. Little Mr. Busybody then reveals that Pilot Peter got engaged to Van Gogh, but he’s now single having ended the engagement.

Purity Ball asks if he’s OK, and Chris Harrison shrugs. Chris Harrison then asks her if she’s in love with Pilot Peter, and she equivocates that she thinks she fell in love with him in Australia and that those feelings don’t just go away but … Chris Harrison insists that Pilot Peter ended his engagement with Van Gogh because of his feelings for Purity Ball (based on … what, exactly? BUT NEVERMIND, GO ON, CHRIS HARRISON) and that his “dream” is to be with her. With that, Chris Harrison tells Purity Ball that this is her second chance and to go pack a bag, they’re going to Los Angeles.

Say! Let’s check in on the Barb Cam, shall we?

madison barb cam the bachelor

Purity Ball arrives in Los Angeles and Pilot Peter is genuinely shocked to see her, having been told that he was going to meet with Chris Harrison. Purity Ball explains that Chris Harrison came to see her, told her everything that happened, and she wanted to see him. She goes on to explain that she had fallen in love with him and had been struggling with her feelings since returning home.

Pilot Peter admits to having made mistakes …

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… and he’s sorry for having messed things up. So what do they do now?

Thoughts, Barb Cam?

madison and peter barb cam bachelor

Back in the Bachelor Studio, Chris Harrison brings Purity Ball out and she and Pilot Peter look really uncomfortable next to one another. Chris Harrison asks where they are now and Purity Ball talks at length about how she loves Pilot Peter, that hasn’t changed, but it was a lot to process to learn that he had been engaged and broke it off because he still loved her, too. Chris Harrison is all, “AND?” clearly desperate for Pilot Peter to propose or SOMETHING. DO SOMETHING. But the best Pilot Peter can manage is that he wants to give a relationship with her a real shot.

However, there are one or two Barb-shaped obstacles in their way. Chris Harrison, for some reason, brings Barb into the conversation and she has PLENTY TO SAY. According to Barb, in Australia, Van Gogh was very loving and warm with her, but things were much rockier with Purity Ball. For starters, she kept them waiting for three hours before coming inside to visit, and then when she did come inside, she never apologized. Then, when Barb asked Purity Ball if she was in love with her son, she said no and that she wouldn’t accept a proposal from him four days from then. SO WHAT WAS BARB SUPPOSED TO THINK?

Chris Harrison gives Purity Ball a chance to respond, and she’s like, “I mean, you can’t change the past. Whaddya gonna do? And if you’re trying to trick me into saying something negative about my potential future mother-in-law, you’re going to have get up a lot earlier in the morning, Satan.”

As for Pilot Peter, he explains that he knows his family hs his best interest at heart, and that they can be passionate, but they need to trust him and BACK UP.

But Barb does not back up, and in fact claims that everyone who loves Pilot Peter agrees with her on this issue: his brother, his father, his friends. The bottom line is that to be in a relationship, you have to be willing to compromise — and only one person is compromising here.

And — quick sidebar — I agree with Barb! Partially! Compromise is an enormous part of any healthy relationship. But the thing is neither of them made any effort to compromise while they were in Australia — Pilot Peter did what he was always going to do (both Van Gogh and White Lives Matter), refusing to compromise any more than Purity Ball did. And, I would argue, if anything, Purity Ball IS compromising by giving Pilot Peter a second chance.

ANYWAY. Madison argues that this isn’t just Pilot Peter’s journey, this is her journey, too. It’s not good enough that Pilot Peter chooses her, she has to choose him, too.

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Barb is fiesty, though, and she sighs that her son is going to have to “fail to succeed” before adding that everyone who knows him knows this isn’t going to work out.

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Pilot Peter urges his mother to shut the fuck up, again, before we turn to Pilot Papa’s opinion and he’s like, “JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS.”

With that, Chris Harrison wishes the couple good luck — because with Barb around THEY ARE GOING TO NEED IT.  He then brings out Clare Crawley, our new Bachelorette, but so what who cares, we will spend enough time with her in a couple months. See you all in May!

UPDATE: Annnnnnnd, they’ve already broken up. Barb and I told you so.

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Rose #1: No one!

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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