EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Viral Madness

Good afternoon! How are things with you? Because, THINGS DON’T SEEM GREAT, OVERALL. 

The Coronavirus is spreading across our country alarmingly (but predictably) very quickly, sickening at least 500+ people (a number that is artificially too low thanks to our refusal to take testing seriously) and as of right now, some 22 people have died. Meanwhile, our government is being led by the most incompetent person to ever become President, who is more worried about the stock market crashing and hurting his re-election campaign than he is with an actual public health crisis. This fucko thinks he can tweet the virus away, and sending the message to his administration that he doesn’t want to hear bad news, even if it is the truth.

As a result, no one knows what to believe and President Paradox has set into motion the very thing he was trying to prevent: a stock market freefall. This morning, the Dow Jones had to pause trading when it fell nearly 8% on opening (and since it has resumed, it is still going down). Part of this — a large part — has to do with an oil price war Saudi Arabia has launched against Russia, sending the price of a barrel of oil plummeting this morning.

Hey, President Shit Fer Brains, tell that to your supporters here in Texas where a drop in oil prices will send us into a recession, you goddamned idiot.

The other big news for those of us here in Texas is that SXSW has finally been canceled over Coronavirus concerns. It was hardly a surprise: a number of big players had pulled out of the event and maybe now is not the time to host a major conference that brings hundreds of people in from around the world. It’s a damn shame for Austin and all the artists who have been working towards this moment all year. Meanwhile, Houston continues to have Rodeo has if NOTHING IS HAPPENING LALALALA CAN’T HEAR YOU CORONAVIRUS.

Is Coachella next? MAYBE.

CNN is now officially calling it a “pandemic” even while WHO does not.

In happier other news, Ted Cruz has self-quarantined after being exposed to an infected person at CPAC. Apparently, this infected person also had contact with:

And just last week, GOP dipshit Matt Gaetz thought he’d make a funny about the outbreak:

One of his constituents died a few days later. COOL JOKE, MATT.

Baby Yoda is another victim of Covid-19.

AFI has postponed its Lifetime Achievement Award honoring Julie Andrews because YOU BETTER POSTPONE IT. GOD FORBID YOU GET JULIE ANDREWS SICK, YOU GUYS.

PLEASE STOP HOARDING TOILET PAPER, IDIOTS.

Here are a bunch of Prince songs you can sing to yourself while washing your hands to get to that 20-second mark.

Meanwhile, our President tweeted what is either a Qanon reference or the biggest “Nero fiddling while Rome burns” self-own of all time:

And his wife Marie Antoinette was mad that people called her out for tweeting about a fucking tennis pavilion in the middle of a public health crisis.

I hope First Lady Jill Biden enjoys that pavilion next year.

#MeToo

It’s also been a busy week for gross men.

First, Hatchett Book Group announced that one of its imprints would be publishing Woody Allen’s memoir, Apropos of Nothing, on April 7. This was news to fellow Hatchett author, Ronan Farrow, who immediately announced he was severing ties with his publisher.

Then, more than 75 Hatchette employees walked out in protest of the Allen memoir, and Hatchett eventually decided to pull the memoir:

“At HBG we take our relationships with authors very seriously, and do not cancel books lightly. We have published and will continue to publish many challenging books. As publishers, we make sure every day in our work that different voices and conflicting points of views can be heard.

“Also, as a company, we are committed to offering a stimulating, supportive and open work environment for all our staff. Over the past few days, HBG leadership had extensive conversations with our staff and others. After listening, we came to the conclusion that moving forward with publication would not be feasible for HBG.”

Meanwhile, Stephen King says he’s “uneasy” at Hachette dropping the memoir, worried about who might be next. Yes, it’s tragic when old white men face consequences for their bullshit.

EXHIBIT 1,000,000: Bill Maher is upset that Chris Matthews finally had to pay a price for his bullshitery.

Sherry Pie, who was a frontrunner on RuPaul’s Drag Race, has been kicked off the show after admitting to catfishing several young actors. Sherry Pie appeared in the season premiere (part two) and it is unclear how far she made it in the season. The season will air as planned, but Sherry Pie will not appear in the finale.

A jury has found that Tavis Smiley violated the morals clause of his contract with PBS by having affairs with multiple employees.

Corey Feldman is threatening a new documentary that will name names of his abusers.

Harvey Weinstein is finally in jail, guys. That said, he has a private floor, so.

Roman Polanski’s movie, An Officer and a Spy, doesn’t have a U.S. premiere date. GOOD. LET’S KEEP IT THAT WAY.

Other TV News

You know what I wouldn’t want to be filming right now? That’d be The Stand.

Have you ever wondered why Dwight wasn’t made the boss after Michael Scott left The Office? It’s because he wasn’t “famous” enough. Oh, and if you’re interested, here’s how you could get paid to binge-watch The Office.

John Oliver is not pleased with Disney.

Oh, lordt, the WGA contract talks are set to begin in a couple weeks. I DO NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH FOR ANOTHER WRITERS’ STRIKE THIS YEAR, GUYS.

The Outsider ended last night. Here’s a decent short recap/discussion of what happened (and what might be next — if anything). It was a brilliant adaptation, and I urge you to go back and watch on HBO Go if you missed it.

President Dingus has sued CNN. This comes on the heels of him suing The New York Times and the Washington Post, all defamation suits. It’s all bullshit, of course, because AIN’T NO WAY Donald Trump is going to be deposed for any of these or submit to discovery. Christ, what an asshole.

Quibi is going to unleash around 50 new “shows” on its debut in April. Here are some of the more ridiculous series to look forward to. (Barkitecture is my personal favorite.)

Did your favorite Survivor not make the cut this season? Here’s why.

I hope that whatever is going on with Evangeline Lilly, things get better for her:

View this post on Instagram

#fbf #flashbackfriday Yesterday many of you said “brunette”. Well, here she is, about a year ago today. I had such a rough year last year but I didn’t want to share all of it with you because i didn’t want to be a dark cloud in your world. All I’ve ever wanted to do was put joy in the world. To add sunshine. I didn’t want you to be having a perfectly good day and then have my post make you sad. But I struggle deeply with feeling that all I ever am is what I feel everyone else wants and needs me to be. I often feel alone and unseen. . I have always known I was strong. Strong enough, I believed, to hold all my pain and everyone else’s also. So I kept it all inside, kept it to myself, and made space in there to hold your pain, too. Publicly, I hid and made light of my deepest traumas and laughed in the face of my most profound pain. . Until, last year, I broke. Suddenly I was forced to face my weakness and my limitations, my trauma and fears. I was left with no choice but to accept that I am limited or…carry on down a road of perfectionist denial that would inevitably kill me. . I am coming out of that deep place, slowly. As I start to breathe the fresh air, as I start to find my new, limited footing, I feel disconnected from you. I feel it’s pointless to share the light when you don’t know my darkness. I feel lost and apathetic about this space we share. . But I ask myself…would you have wanted to come along in my darkness had I shared it? . 📷 taken by my four-year-old son #whenbabieshavecameras . #lightanddarkness

A post shared by Evangeline Lilly (@evangelinelillyofficial) on

Cancellations

  • Lost in Space has been renewed for a third and final season on Netflix.

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendar

  • The Third Day will debut on HBO on May 11.
  • Penny Dreadful: City of Angels will debut on Showtime on April 26.
  • Home Before Dark will debut on Apple TV+ on April 3.
  • Fierce Queens will debut on Quibi on ??? I am guessing April 6, but who knows?
  • Greenhouse Academy will return on Netflix on … well, I don’t know? Now?
  • Dino Girl Gauko returns on Netflix soon:
  • Vampires is going to debut on Netflix on March 20.

R.I.P.

Max Von Sydow, Legendary actor in The Exorcist, The Seventh Seal, Star Wars and, of course, Game of Thrones

Roscoe Born, Soap actor who appeared on One Life to Live, All My Children, Ryan’s Hope and The Young and the Restless

Danny Tidwell, So You Think You Can Dance runner-up.

Nicholas Tucci, Actor who appeared in Channel Zero and You’re Next

McCoy Tyner, Jazz pianist

Mart Crowley, The Boys in the Band playwright

Marnie the Dog, Internet-famous dog

WATCH THIS

The Bachelor: Part one of what will certainly be an interesting season finale. 7 p.m., ABC

Cosmos: Neil deGrasse Tyson is out of time out and back with his astronomy lesson. Season premiere. 7 p.m., Nat Geo

9-1-1: Lone Star: A gender reveal party goes wrong in the two-hour season finale. 7 p.m., Fox

All American: Billy makes a decision about his future in the season finale. 7 p.m., The CW

Black Lightning: Black Lightning faces Gravedigger who I thought was a monster truck, but OK. Season finale. 8 p.m., The CW

The New Pope: John Paul III addresses his followers with a message of love in the season finale. 8 p.m., HBO

McMillion$: Uncle Jerry takes the stand in the series finale. 9 p.m., HBO

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Alex Rodriguez, KJ Apa, HAIM
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Nicolle Wallace, Rupert Everett, Daymond John, Steve Ferrone
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: John Krasinski, Rachael & Vilray
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Niall Horan, Thandie Newton
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Vin Diesel, Aidy Bryant, Thundercat
  • The Daily Show: Mikki Kendall
  • Conan: Kristen Schaal, Randy Sklar, Jason Sklar
  • Lights Out with David Spade: Jo Koy, Chris Hardwick, Yamaneika Saunders
  • Watch What Happens Live: Parker McCown, Georgia Grobler
  • A Little Late with Lily Singh: Robbie & Stephen Amell, Vanessa Gonzalez

 

MON. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Bachelor
(new)
The Good Doctor
(new)
CBS The Neighbor-hood
(new)
Bob Hearts Abishola
(new)
All Rise
(new)
Bull
(new)
CW All American
(new)
Black Lightning
(new)
Local
FOX 9-1-1: Lone Star
(new)
News/Local
NBC The Voice
(new)
Manifest
(new)
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