Question: Can we impeach the new Bachelor for being a klutz?

Somehow, our new Bachelor, that bore Pilot Peter managed to hurt his face while playing golf. THE INJURY REQUIRED 22 STITCHES. What the actual fuck, dude? IT’S GOLF. HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO REQUIRE FACE SURGERY WHILE PLAYING GOLF? Something about cocktail glasses? And a golf cart? Anyway. Scarface is fine and already back dating on the show. The scars will be the most interesting thing about him, guarantee.

Big Mouth introduced a character who is pansexual but fumbled the description of what that meant. Basically, in their explanation, they suggested that there are the binary genders and then trans people who are some sort of third category, and pansexual people are attracted to all three. Pansexual people actually explain that “they are attracted to people regardless of gender expression. Men, women, non-binary, and beyond.” Co-creator Andrew Goldberg issued an apology for “missing the mark.”

Here’s the history of how Kendall’s rap was created on Succession. Amazing.

Aaron Paul didn’t overthink this whole Breaking Bad movie thing.

Jim and Pam’s wedding on The Office was originally going to end with a dead horse. No, really.

Cobie Smulders assures us that there will (probably) not be a love triangle on Stumptown anytime soon. LET’S HOPE.

Oh, Fox News, oh grandpa, no.

This is a lovely — and heartbreaking — tribute to Diahann Carroll written by the actor who played her son on Julia. Raw and honest and loving.

One of Felicity Huffman’s former Desperate Housewives co-star has some things to say about the whole college admissions scandal and her light sentence and they aren’t great. Meanwhile, this is an interesting piece about how the whole scandal was not just about rich people paying their children’s way into colleges that they wanted, but that by using college athletics, they managed to do so at a discount — and at the detriment of real scholar-athletes.

So, a Twitter account called Bill Hader Dancing To  (@billhaderdancin) went live on Twitter last month, and it’s become A WHOLE THING. Here’s the original post, which had Bill Hader dancing to “Like a G6”:

But the beauty of it is that the clip, it works with everything:

“Come on Eileen”:

“Redbone”:

“September”:

The Succession theme:

And of course, “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo because obviously:

Anyway, I love the account and here’s the original cut for time Saturday Night Live sketch that inspired it:

Impeachment Corner!

Today’s big news in our ongoing clown show is that the White House has formally responded to Congress’ demands for documents and witnesses in their impeachment inquiry, and that response is, “No.” Just flat out, “Nope. This is not a thing and we are not doing it.”

In an eight-page letter which you should read, the White House outlined their argument in three parts:

  1. Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff aren’t playing by the White House’s rules. According to this dumb letter, Schiff and Pelosi aren’t allowing the White House to question witnesses or call their own witnesses and thus, they are denying President Perjury Trap his “due process.” Also, it’s not a real impeachment inquiry because Nancy Pelosi hasn’t held a vote saying that it’s an impeachment inquiry.
  2. This whole thing is because the Democrats are big titty babies about losing the 2016 election.
  3. Adam Schiff is a cheating cheater who cheated because his office spoke to the whistleblower before the report was filed and because he paraphrased President Quid Pro Quo’s conversation in that one hearing.

Alright, so let’s take this apart point by point:

  1. The House’s impeachment investigation is just that: an investigation. It is not a trial. That happens in the Senate. Just as a criminal who is being investigated by the cops doesn’t have a right to question the witness against him until the case moves to court, the White House doesn’t have some right to question anyone here. And as for holding a vote to open an impeachment inquiry — fun fact! There’s nothing in the Constitution that requires the Speaker of the House to do so. It’s merely a formality that the Republicans want so that they can yell and scream and shout and grandstand and prove to President Dear Leader how much they love him.
  2. Hillary Clinton will not become President of the United States if the Liar-in-Chief is removed from office.
  3. Adam Schiff has literally done nothing wrong and in fact, his office handled the whistleblower and their complaint according to proper procedures.

I mean, this is basic stuff, guys.

Also, this whole “Fuck You” letter? Just writing the letter saying, “We refuse to participate in this not-impeachment” and sending it to Congress? Yeah, that’s obstruction of justice right there. That’s an impeachable offense in and of itself. ADD IT TO THE ARTICLES, ADAM.

As to what Pelosi and Schiff do next in the face of a White House who is pretending the impeachment isn’t happening, I asked my personal Constitutional expert what their options are. Mr. T explained there are two avenues at this point, and they are not mutually exclusive: Pelosi could hold a vote on holding an impeachment inquiry, thereby taking away the dumb argument that none of this is real, and the House could go to the courts to force the White House to hand shit over, a path that during the Nixon impeachment did not go well for the Executive Branch because GUESS WHAT, MOTHERFUCKERS: CHECK AND BALANCES. SEPARATION OF POWERS.

The downsides of these paths are as follows: if Pelosi holds a vote, as I said above, the dumb Republicans who literally think that Captain Kangaroo has something to do with “kangaroo courts” will use the opportunity to create a spectacle, and try to distract or confuse. Also, the Republicans are apparently under the impression that if a vote is held, they’ll be able to call their own witnesses. Which, NOPE. The majority could just vote to block any of the minority’s witnesses — but it would give the GOP a chance to cry bloody murder that they the Democrats aren’t playing fair or whatever bullshit. Also, even if they hold a vote, there’s NO CHANCE the White House will be like, “Oh, alright, we will fully cooperate now that you’ve held this ceremonial vote.”

And as for the courts, where Congress will certainly win, that entire process could take months if not years to finally be settled. “DAMMIT,” I said, “WHY CAN’T THEY SEE THE URGENCY AND RUSH IT THROUGH?” And my ever-patient Constitutional expert, he calmly explained that every nutty right-wing group in the country would want to file amicus briefs (“friends of the court” briefs basically saying, “we’re not directly involved BUT WE HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS THING”) and it would bog down the whole fucking process.

Basically, I think the House should do both: hold the vote anyway, and sue the shit out of the White House. And also maybe arrest everyone who refuses to comply with subpoenas. But we have to wait and see. Pelosi is holding a call with Democrats on Friday to give them the lowdown on what is happening and what comes next, so stay tuned.

In smaller news bites, Trey Gowdy and his amazing morphing hair might be joining the White House’s team; the whistleblower’s source was PROFOUNDLY FREAKED OUT by what he heard on the Ukrainian phone call; and diplomats who urged the White House to release the Ukrainian money were told that once the money was finally released, they shouldn’t make a huge deal out of it.

Sex Monster News

H’oh boy, I hope that pig Matt Lauer was not planning on his triumphant return to the public sphere anytime soon, because Ronan Farrow has written a book about him and Harvey Weinstein, and IT’S REALLY BAD, MATT. In Catch and Kill, Farrow interviews Brooke Nevils, an NBC News employee who graphically details how Matt Lauer raped her during the Sochi Olympics. The story is in that Variety article I’ve linked and it is horrific and possibly triggering, and the bottom line is a LOT of people knew about this story and did nothing about it who are still at NBC News, which is not OK.

Nevils does admit that she had a consensual sexual relationship with Lauer, but a reminder for those in the back: it is possible to be in a consensual relationship and still have that sexual partner rape you. Date rape and marital rape are real things, and just because you agree to have sex with someone once or even many times does not make every encounter consensual retroactively or in perpetuity.

The Today Show had to address the story on their show this morning, and Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb called the story “shocking and appalling.” Kotb added, “They are not allegations of an affair. They are allegations of a crime.” Which are pretty strong words! In response, Lauer claimed that his relationship with Nevils was consensual and that she’s a liar. OK.

Additionally, according to the book, Harvey Weinstein KNEW about Matt Lauer and used the story as leverage to pressure NBC to not run Farrow’s story when Farrow was still an NBC News employee. The Weinstein story ran in The New Yorker, instead, and the rest is history. And what I’m saying is that more heads should roll at NBC News.

And in remarkable timing, this interview with Jennifer Anniston came out yesterday. In it, she describes how the Lauer scandal shaped her upcoming series, The Morning Show.

Speaking of NBC News, Mika Brzezinski continues to be a shitty ally to women. I swear to God, she is the WORST.

Rowena Chiu, one of Harvey Weinstein’s assistants, wrote about her abuse in this harrowing essay for The New York Times.

In other ugh news, Neil DeGrasse Tyson is on his own redemption tour.

Tina Tchen, a former Obama aide, has become the new CEO of Time’s Up.

Renewals

  • All American has been given an additional 3 episodes at The CW.

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • End of the Fucking World returns on Netflix on November 5.

  • Earthquake Bird will debut on Netflix and in theaters on November 15.

R.I.P.

Marshall Efron, Actor

Ryan Nicholson, Horror filmmaker and makeup artist

WATCH THIS

Stumptown: Dex seeks an internship. 9 p.m., ABC

Riverdale: Archie receives news (and I’m thinking it won’t be good news). (R.I.P. Luke Perry.) Season premiere. 7 p.m., The CW

Nancy Drew: GHOSTS! AND LADY DETECTIVES! AND GHOSTS! I’m in. Series premiere. 8 p.m., The CW

Rhythm + Flow: Chance The Rapper, Cardi B and T.I. judge this new hip-hop competition. Series premiere. Netflix

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Jesse Eisenberg, Hailee Steinfeld, Steve Miller
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Ted Danson, Elizabeth Olsen, Diane Von Furstenberg, Steve Gorman
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Jonathan Van Ness, Brett Gelman, Big Thief, special appearances by Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Sen. Bernie Sanders, Pete Buttigieg
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Adam DeVine, Kieran Culkin, Adam Lambert
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Howard Stern, Aaron Paul
  • The Daily Show: Will Smith
  • Lights Out with David Spade: Brad Garrett, Taran Killam, Leighton Meester
  • Watch What Happens Live: Paula Abdul, Kameron Westcott
  • A Little Late with Lily Singh: Kal Penn, Kiran Deol, Moses Storm

 

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