We probably know the identity of the next Bachelor and … just … come on, guys, you can do better than this.

YOU GUYS, THERE IS A STRONG CHANCE INDIANAPOLIS COLT WILL BE THE NEXT BACHELOR. It’s not a done deal yet which is why I didn’t hide that as a spoiler, but OMG NO. WHY. NO. There are literally so many other great choices: Harry Potter (Wills)! New Favorite (Jason)! Did I mention Harry Potter? Hell, I’d even take Cowboy (Blake) whose face irrationally irritates me over Indianapolis Colt who is a boring dummy whose one story — his virginity — I could not give one single flying fuck about.

If you were hoping that Matthew Weiner would be more forthcoming with episode descriptions for The Romanoffs than he had been for Mad Men, you are going to be sorely disappointed.

Your daily dose of American Horror Story nonsense:

First, here’s a very good American Horror Story timeline.

And here’s a photo from the Apocalypse set that means absolutely nothing:

Aretha Franklin’s funeral will be held tomorrow at 10/9 a.m. CNN, MSNBC and Fox News will be airing portions of the funeral, Bounce will air the entire thing live. You can also watch it on the Associated Press’s live stream.

Ruth Wilson continues to be mysterious about her departure from The Affair.

First of all, I never realized that there was any question about whether or not it was actually Michael Jackson on the Michael Jackson episode of The Simpsons — of course it was. But second of all, it wasn’t actually Michael Jackson singing on the Michael Jackson episode of The Simpsons, but a Michael Jackson impersonator (for contractual reasons), who had to impersonate Michael Jackson IN FRONT OF MICHAEL JACKSON. Oh hell no.

You might be able to get your Real Sex and Taxicab Confessions fixes, thanks to Porn Hub.

HOLD THE DOOR: Designated Survivor, which was canceled by ABC, is going into production for a third season, which suggests another network or service has saved it. Could this be the series that was about to be saved that was hinted at a couple of weeks ago? Stay tuned.

In Fox News news: Florida gubanatorial candidate Rick DeSantis said a very racist thing about his African-American opponent, and Fox News actually rebuked it. He claims he didn’t mean it that way but COME ON.

Meanwhile, Rachel Maddow beat Sean Hannity in the 18-54 demo for August. A bad month for Trump = a great month for MSNBC.

Today in Unhinged Presidential Tweets

Before we get to today’s bullshit, today’s story you should be paying attention to and alarmed by: the government is refusing to give passports to American citizens who were born along the border, stripping them of their citizenship, and in some cases threatening to deport them. To be fair, the policy began under the Bush administration and continued in the Obama adminstration after a number of midwives admitted to providing fradulent documents. However, under the Obama administration the denials slowed considerably and complaints when people were denied passports were handled promptly. Under Trump, the denials have escalated dramatically.

When Juan, the former soldier, received a letter from the State Department telling him it wasn’t convinced that he was a U.S. citizen, it requested a range of obscure documents — evidence of his mother’s prenatal care, his baptismal certificate, rental agreements from when he was a baby.

He managed to find some of those documents but weeks later received another denial. In a letter, the government said the information “did not establish your birth in the United States.”

“I thought to myself, you know, I’m going to have to seek legal help,” said Juan, who earns $13 an hour as a prison guard and expects to pay several thousand dollars in legal fees.

In a case last August, a 35-year-old Texas man with a U.S. passport was interrogated while crossing back into Texas from Mexico with his son at the ­McAllen-Hidalgo-Reynosa International Bridge, connecting Reynosa, Mexico, to McAllen, Tex.

His passport was taken from him, and Customs and Border Protection agents told him to admit that he was born in Mexico, according to documents later filed in federal court. He refused and was sent to the Los Fresnos Detention Center and entered into deportation proceedings.

He was released three days later, but the government scheduled a deportation hearing for him in 2019. His passport, which had been issued in 2008, was revoked.

November 6 is 68 days away.

OK, so President Dementia is clearly freaking out about … something. In the past 24 hours he has tweeted 23 times, 10 of those just in the past five hours. Because we have to try to stay focused here, let’s look at the tweets screaming about the media:

So, lots to unpack here. President Degenerate is still SO MAD at CNN for their report that Michael Cohen can testify that he knew about the infamous Trump Tower meeting which is why he is tweeting such presidential language as “Little Jeff Z has done a terrible job, his ratings suck, & AT&T should fire him to save credibility!” Hey, remember when President Obama screeched on social media that Roger Ailes should be fired because his ratings sucked? Yeah.

As for his attacks on NBC, this is a more interesting development. A few days ago, Page Six — a gossip column — reported that NBC News’ chairman, Andy Lack, was in danger of losing his job over the mishandling of sexual harassment allegations, for hiring Meygn Kelly and sitting on the Access Hollywood tape (which President Tiny Handsies should be grateful for). So that’s what the first part of that tweet is refering to.

But the second part of the tweet, where he accuses Lester Holt of “fudging my tape on Russia” — and being caught having done so — is just flat out delusional and insane. I’m sure I don’t need to convince you if you are already reading this, but here is the unedited tape, where in the very first minute he admits to firing Comey because of the “whole Russier thing”:

I suppose someone has told him that this interview is incredibly damaging and will be a lynchpin in the obstruction of justice case against him. Now, trapped, he’s trying again to reassure his base that what they are seeing with their own eyes and hearing with their own ears is not true.

The bigger question is why is he freaking out SO HARD today (and honestly, all week)? There is a great deal of speculation that if Robert Mueller has any more indictments that are ready to go, he will issue them before the midterms are 60 days out so that he can not be accused of influencing the election. The 60-day mark is September 7. Something big could be coming.

Or he is just lashing out because his brain is broken, who knows.

Also, LOL at “smooth running machine.”

But a reminder that Trout’s anti-press rhetoric has real consequences:

“Enemy of the people.” It’s just a matter of time before someone is hurt because of the president’s words.

#MeToo

OH FUN: Louis CK told a rape whistle joke in his controversial set the other day, according to two women in the audience. And obviously he has been invited to perform at a bunch of other comedy clubs. Obviously.

Meanwhile, his accusers are still being harassed online because people are the best.

Harvey Weinstein’s lawyer made a $25,000 donation to Governor Andrew Cuomo’s campaign and just a few days later, Cuomo ordered an investigation into the fact that District Attorney Cy Vance dropped a Weinstein case after the same lawyer gave Vance a $10,000 donation to his campaign. I’m sure this is just a coincidence.

In hopeful news, following that devastating piece by Kotaku that exposed a culture of sexism, Riot Games is promising sweeping changes.

Renewals

In Development

  • The Swarm, an environmental sci-fi thriller, is being adapted for television by a Game of Thrones producer.
  • Ken Jeong has set a stand-up special at Netflix.
  • The Wish Giver, a YA novel, is being adapted for television.

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • Big Mouth returns on Netflix on October 5.
  • Riverdale will return on The CW on October 10.
  • The Walking Dead returns on AMC on October 7.

R.I.P.

Barrie Dunsmore, ABC News Correpsondent

WATCH THIS

One Dollar: A dollar bill traces the path of a multiple murder in a rust belt town in this new mystery series. Series premiere. CBS All Access

The Thing: This movie was made 36 years ago. It still holds up. 8 p.m., Starz Encore

Preseason Football: Cowboys at Texans: Yay sports. 7 p.m., ABC

Late Night: Conan: Patton Oswalt

THURS 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Preseason Football: Cowboys at Texans
(live)
CBS Young Sheldon
(repeat)
Mom
(repeat)
Big Brother
(repeat)
S.W.A.T.
(repeat)
CW Supernatural
(repeat)
The Originals
(repeat)
News/Local
FOX Masterchef
(repeat)
The Gifted
(repeat)
News/Local
NBC Ellen’s Game of Games
(new)
Will & Grace
(repeat)
Superstore
(repeat)
Law & Order: SVU
(repeat)

 

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4 thoughts on “We probably know the identity of the next Bachelor and … just … come on, guys, you can do better than this.

    1. I’m sorry, Pam. It looks like it is on Starz Encore Suspense. It’s on at 8 central time. There are too many channels.

      -T

      Like

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