‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Burn it all down

Bachelor in Paradise
August 28, 2018

Last we left these sand-covered dummies, Khal Bozo was trying — and failing — to convince Taxiderpy that it was her fault that he lied to her about kissing Grendel’s Momma. Fortunately for my sanity and caps lock key, she is smart enough to call bullshit on this …

… and eventually, Grocery Joe wanders over and saves her from an endlessly dumb conversation that is just spinning in circles. Taxiderpy announces that from here on out she is going to invest in a relationship with Grocery Joe because she “knows where [her] heart is at.”

This lasts all of 12 hours, by the way.

Elsewhere, Pepe Le Pew is still licking his wounds, having been dumped by our little blond alien. He confronts E.T. about her excuse for dumping him in favor of Zoolander, that she was doing what was best for him, which, let’s all be honest, is a bullshit reason to dump someone that is never a satisfying justification for the dumpee. As he continues to press her, she begins crying, admits that she did dump him to pursue her own happiness, and runs off to a hammock to have a sob by herself.

Not that it lasts long, because Zoolander is soon up in her face demanding to know what Pepe Le Pew said to her to make her cry. She explains — or tries to in her limited ability — that Pepe Le Pew was upset with her for saying that her decision to dump him was in his best interest and that she is crying because she feels bad for making him feel bad. But Zoolander hears, “MEAN FRENCH MAN YELL AT ME MAKE ME CRY.”

Zoolander stomps back across the beach to confront Pepe Le Pew at the bar for yelling at E.T., only to have All-4-Wells be like, “Yeah, he didn’t yell at her.” Zoolander is all, “WELL … I MEAN … UM … WELL, NOW WE KNOW WHERE WE ALL STAND,” leaving Pepe Le Pew to declare Zoolander “ze worst la personne [he] haz ever met, oui?”

Well, I mean, there’s still Khal Bozo, so no.

And then somehow Zoolander starts going off on a riff about  Pepe Le Pew going through Zoolander’s imaginary “briefcase,” rifling through his “passion and headshots.” I don’t know, either, but according to Zoolander, Indianapolis Colt has a duffle bag.

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Fortunately, Pepe Le Pew’s broken heart heals overnight and he is soon mashing his mouth against Grendel’s Mom’s mouth and trying to convince himself, the producers and Grendel’s Mom that he’s attracted to her and not just trying to score her rose.

A date card for Eric the Good Dancer arrives, and he asks Batman to join him because apparently, they have a thing going on. Not that you would really know it considering how little time the show has spent on them.

They go to a resort where they are led into a suite on a trail of flower petals and are treated to a giant spread of food and champagne and there are robes and slippers and then some guy shows up with the largest ice cream sundae in the world before wheeling in a cheese tray and I have no idea what is happening here, but let me tell you, if I had gone on the date where some warlock buried me up to my neck in a sand pit and blew smoke into my face and I later learned that someone else went on this date, THERE WOULD BE HELL TO PAY.

daenerys yelling game of thrones got

Anyway, they make out in the jacuzzi, the end.

Back in Paradise, Mr. Entitled sets up a yoga date for Krystal with a K, and asks her to teach him some moves, and she’s like, “I’m sorry, you want me to work on my vacation?” But she teaches him child’s pose and then talks about how yoga is like life or something and I guess Baby Temper Tantrum is no longer in the picture.

Elsewhere, Oh Canada and Seen the Breasts? have a date on the beach where they watch the sunset through a frame that looks like a TV? You guys, I have no idea what is going on in this episode.

The next day, having sent home his guaranteed rose, Venmo decides to take his chances with Taxiderpy and while chatting with her, he kisses her while Grocery Joe sits at the bar nearby. But to Taxiderpy’s credit, she immediately goes to Grocery Joe, tells him what happened and admits that she is falling for him, which scares her. He is very understanding and tells her that he doesn’t want a rose from anyone but her. He does, however, wish that other guys would quit kissing his girlfriend which is just reasonable.

As for Grocery Joe’s vanquished opponent, Khal Bozo recognizes that he is not going to be receiving anyone’s rose that night and decides that he should go out in a blaze of assholery.

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And so, the dum-dums gather for the rose ceremony and offer goofy toasts to finding love or whatever. That’s when Khal Bozo makes his own toast: to Taxiderpy for a great first date, before adding that it’s a shame it turns out she’s full of shit.

lisa rinna wow rhobh shocked

He then adds that everyone in the room is full of shit, before wishing Taxiderpy “good luck with Grocery Store Bitch over there,” and storming out of the palapa.

However, Grocery Store Bitch decides he’s not going to let this Dothraki dumbass have the last word, and he follows Khal Bozo out, demanding that he call him that to his face. Khal Bozo obliges before throwing a drink at him. Fortunately, producers are nearby, and one literally flies into the scene to jump on Khal Bozo and pull him away from Grocery Joe.

And with that, Khal Bozo leaves Paradise.

But before we say goodbye to Khal Bozo forever, let’s talk about this piece of shit for a hot minute. I actually liked this guy when he was on The Bachelorette, but in my defense, he barely had any screentime. He lasted for a while in the competition, and when he finally had a one-on-one date with Becca, it came just after Mr. Entitled had treated her like garbage. In contrast, Khal Bozo came off as kind and empathetic.

But then. After he left the show, and I assume after he had already filmed Bachelor in Paradise (because woe unto the producers if they brought him on the show if they knew about this) our friend Bekah (Pixie Manic Dream Girl) from Needledick’s season posted an Instagram story consisting of accounts from multiple women who claimed that Khal Bozo had sexually harassed them, sent them unsolicited dick pics, and stories of him hitting on underage girls while he worked at Universal Studios. According to Bekah, he had lawyers send her a cease and desist letter, demanding that she apologize or be sued for defamation. Nearly a month later, the Instagram story is still up and Bekah remains defiant. You can read about the whole saga here. Following this fight with Bekah, he then got into a twitter war with Token Single Mom and Olya Povlatsky. He seems nice.

Khal Bozo’s behavior in Paradise only confirms for me that the stories Bekah shared are most likely true. The same guys who think they are entitled to harass and demean women tend to see them as prizes to be won to prove their alphaness. When a woman rejects them — especially if another man is involved — it makes them feel insecure, less manly, and they lash out as a means of regaining a sense of power. They become aggressive, petulant, they lie, they gaslight, they try to portray themselves as a victim so that they can change the narrative: suddenly they are the hero vanquishing the true villains, the evil bitch that hurt them and the beta “cuck” who is her fool. All of this is behavior is straight from the Toxic Masculinity handbook.

And it should be noted that he is not the only man on this show who demonstrates this mindset. He might be the most obvious about it, but there’s plenty of toxic masculinity to go around in Paradise. Zoolander’s temper tantrum when Chicken Head dared to give E.T. a gift and his subsequent meltdown when a couple of the women laughed at his childish behavior and Mr. Entitled’s competitiveness with Indianapolis Colt over a woman he wasn’t even interested in are both examples of men treating women as signifiers of their dominance over other men.

But it shouldn’t be surprising that such toxic masculinity flourishes on a show that turns dating into a literal game with winners and losers, a game that manipulates emotions and insists that a person’s worth is determined on whether or not someone on this beach wants to date them. Furthermore, let’s not forget how we know all of these assholes: they are on Bachelor in Paradise because they are part of a TV franchise that perpetuates reactionary and ultimately unhealthy ideas about heterosexual relationships. It should come as no surprise that so many men who agreed to go on a show that treated a woman as a prize to be won by vanquishing 25 other men might have some masculinity issues.

And in conclusion:

you are small men not fit to lead dothraki game of thrones daenerys.gifdaenerys grabs fire game of trones dothraki.gif

Daenerys throws fire game of thrones dothraki you will die.gif

Bye, Khal Bozo.

As for the rose ceremony, the only woman with an available rose is Grendel’s Mom’s so the four men without a rose — Venmo, Baby Temper Tantrum, Pepe Le Pew and Chicken Head (who I had forgotten was even still around — y’all should go check the bedrooms and showers to make sure there aren’t people from past seasons hiding out in there) — begin circling her like a shark.

While talking to her, Venmo does this:

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john oliver cool sarcastic

Elsewhere, Indianapolis Colt surprises Sooey Jr. with a huge pile of hot dogs because she “misses the South, so [he] brought the South to [her].” And speaking as someone from the South, DO WHAT NOW? Do y’all think that hot dogs are some sort of Southern delicacy? I mean, we eat hot dogs, but not at a higher rate than the rest of the country.

Fortunately, Sooey, Jr. reminds us that she’s from Weiner, Arkansas, and then it makes sense. But Indianapolis Dolt here had me going for a minute there.

Also, can we all just cut it out with the Lady and the Tramping of food? I do not need to see y’all tag teaming a weiner. AND YES, I STAND BY THAT SENTENCE.

Elsewhere, this is happening:

Zoolander also insists that he’s falling in love with E.T., that he is her “golden retriever” to her “frisbee,” because he doesn’t know how analogies work.

And Baby Temper Tantrum insists that All-4-Wells serve him his tequila and soda in a champagne flute because he’s insufferable.

Finally, it’s rose time:

Krystal with a K: Mr. Entitled
Taxiderpy: Grocery Joe
Sooey, Jr.: Indianapolis Colt
E.T.: Zoolander
Seen the Breasts?: Oh Canada
Trauma Care: 60/40
Batman: Eric the Good Dancer
Grendel’s Mom: Venmo

The hand hug clearly pushed him over the top.

Which means we say goodbye to Baby Temper Tantrum, Chicken Head and au revoir to Pepe Le Pew. Bon débarras!

The next morning, the power has shifted back into the guys’ hands, which means: bring in the new women. First to arrive is Who? from Needledick’s season, a woman who was eliminated the first night and whom I forgot between the time she left the limo and when Needledick handed out the first roses, that’s how little time she received. She seems nice enough and is stuck with taking Venmo out on her date because everyone else is paired up.

The pair crash a quinciñera at one of the resorts, which means that those of us in Texas have to endure being showsplained what a quinciñera is. And did anyone ask this 15-year-old girl if she even wanted a couple of dumb Americanos and their camera crew to be at her quinciñera? I’m sure the show paid for it, but still. No gracias.

Anyway, they have a nice time. Whatever.

The next morning, we get to join Indianapolis Colt and Sooey, Jr. as they exercise together because someone incorrectly believed that would make for interesting television.

The next new arrival is Paula Abdul from Juan Pablo’s disaster of a season, so nicknamed because *flips through old Tubular posts* she was a former NBA dancer? Sure. She’s leggy and boobsy and she asks Eric the Good Dancer to join her on her date, and he is all, “ABSOLUTELY.”

Meanwhile, while Eric the Good Dancer and Paula Abdul are chatting, Batman tells everyone who will listen that she is not worried because just last night (presumably before she gave him her rose) Eric the Good Dancer told her that he didn’t want to date anyone else.

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Eric the Good Dancer tells Batman that he’s going on the date with Paula Abdul, because he “woke up” this morning and decided that maybe he does want to go on dates with other people despite telling her just the opposite the night before. LOL, SORRY NOT SORRY.

This, for some inexplicable reason, sends all of the women in Paradise REELING, freaking out about the stability of their own relationships, because if Eric the Good Dancer and Batman could be torn apart by a newcomer LOVE IS DEAD, and if one couple goes down, everyone else goes down with them.

Except no? That’s not at all how this works? Like, at all?

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OH HEY GUESS WHAT WE GET THREE HOURS OF THIS NONSENSE NEXT MONDAY MY LIVER IS ALREADY CELEBRATING

(kill me)

The women in Paradise:

 

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The men in Paradise:

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The pendejos who have been eliminated:

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Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC. It can not be over soon enough. 

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One thought on “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Burn it all down

  1. Hi Therese, I couldn’t help myself and laughed at the frisbee comment by Golden Retriever/Zoolander. He’s a tool, but his absurdist nonsense cracks me up. Not that it redeems him or anything. You know how they make fun of Bachelor contestants sometimes on SNL? They could have a field day with Zoolander. I’m hoping I might be able to will that into being. This dumb show is ripe for parody.

    Liked by 1 person

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