“Rock Never Dies”
December 1, 2016
THEN: “So, Lucifer. The Lord of Evil, the Angel of Light, is now the Master of Butt Rock.”
Two black-robed supplicants perform a ritual to summon their dark lord. These kids today with their snap chatting and devil worship. Gordy is fully committed. He found the summoning and the artifact to power it online. It’s totally legit! Adam thinks it’s all just a goof – until Lucifer actually appears. He looks a little soggy and bloated. His trip to the bottom of the ocean did not help the state of his already decaying vessel.
Lucifer snaps Adam’s neck and takes the fossilized feather from Gordy’s hand. He holds the stone to his chest. Its glowing grace heals Rick Springfield’s battered body. It won’t last long, but Lucifer says it’ll do. He casts a stink eye at Gordy and at Adam’s rapidly cooling corpse. If they’re typical of his following these days, Lucifer is not impressed.
Gordy insists he can’t be Lucifer because he’s Rick Springfield. Gordy’s mom loves Rick Springfield! He’s kind of famous. Lucifer snaps Gordy’s neck. He has no use for the boy, but kind of famous he can work with.
Dean is in the library playing Words with Friends with Mary – and losing. Cas calls to check in. Dean asks if he’s still living out an 80’s buddy comedy with Crowley. The expression on the angel’s face says, yes. Yes he is and please kill him now.
Also, Dean’s caller ID comes up “Cass”.
#TeamCas for life, yo.
CAS tells the boys to check the news. Rick Springfield has gotten the band back together. Crowley is certain it’s Lucifer’s work. He says of all the extinct rock acts, Ladyheart are the most paleolithic. A major label comeback now doesn’t feel like a “wholly natural turn of events”.
Crowley dons his shades and transmogrifies to Los Angeles. He knows a guy. And kudos to the production team for the transition bumper, because that is some 80’s sitcom realness. Well played. His guy is Dwayne Wayne from A Different World. Oh, Dwayne. Whitley must be so disappointed!
Dwayne says the Ladyheart comeback is quite serious. The band moved units back in the day. They’ve got off the chart name recognition. The label has raided and repackaged everything else – why not give hair metal another shot? And Rick Springfield came to him with a killer pitch. He seemed … different. Energized. Reborn.
“Like a whole new man?”
The boys make the drive to LA with Dean kvetching the whole way. “Gridlock. Botox. Overtaxing, underachieving, smell of sweaty desperation.” He wonders when they were last in LA. 10 years ago? Vengeful spirit? He says it seems like forever ago.
Sam isn’t paying attention. He’s plugged into his phone. He says he’s listening to a podcast. Dean tells him to turn it up. He needs something to keep him awake. Sam doesn’t think he would enjoy it. It’s history. A multi-part exploration of each of Martin Luther’s 95 thesis, so. Dean pulls the cord out of the jack. The sound of Ladyheart fills the car.
“Oh, Sam. Hair rock? Really?? Come on!”
Sam decides he’s done apologizing. This is research. He punches up the volume and tosses the phone onto the dashboard. “Study up, Dean.”
“It’ll grow on ya.”
Lucifer is in the Death Siren studios getting the latest updates from his social media manager, Constance. Buzzfeed just posted a listicle. Fans on twitter are debating whether he’s bae, nae, or daddy. Drummer Tommy is eager to start recording, but Lucifer says it’s not about the music. It never really was. The music is just an excuse to worship and adore.
Sam and Dean sit in the lobby of the Bellaqua Hotel waiting for Cas. Sam sips his cucumber infused water. Dean is appalled. Appalled I say! “It’s vegetable water!” When Cas arrives, Dean suggests he might change up his look. The tie and trench coat are a little stiff for LA.
“At least I don’t look like a lumberjack.”
Sam is like, get a room. Crowley appears with a key card. Rick Springfield’s is momentarily available. Cas says the state of the room suggests there was some kind of a fight. Dean holds up a pair of lacy pink underthings. If that’s what the kids are calling it these days, sure.
Sam sifts through a stack of books. Lucifer has a collection of rock star biographies from Aerosmith to ZZ Top. “It’s like he’s studying how to become famous.” Dean lifts the lid on a pizza box. He lets it fall with a disappointed expression on his face. He picks up the flying V guitar from the sofa and stars noodling on it. I would like to read that fan fiction about Dean learning to play guitar.
Cas picks up a binder and reads what he thinks is a spell. “The seeds of a ripe dragon fruit drizzled with exactly 1 ounce of acacia honey prepared in a ceramic bowl, no plastic.” Crowley says it’s not a spell, it’s breakfast. Cas is reading from Vince’s rider. Crowley shrugs that he’s seen worse.
Sam has a confused. Why is Lucifer living out a rock god fantasy when he could be taking over Heaven and Hell? Dean’s like, seems legit. Castiel finds a clue in the bedroom – a human tooth pulled out by the root.
The owner of that tooth, Roseleen, is sitting with Lucifer in the studio. She wonders why he’s spending time with her now after ignoring her for so many years. Lucifer answers her and Sam’s questions – “I was a fool not to recognize such sweet devotion.” He asks her how much she loves him. What would she do to show him?
“Would you bleed?”
The boys question Roseleen in the hospital. Bandages cover the wounds on her chest. She tells them Rick Springfield didn’t force her to carve his name into her flesh – she wanted to do it. To show him. To make him happy. Dean asks if she stopped to wonder what kind of sicko enjoys other people’s pain but Roseleen immediately defends him. She says Rick Springfield had a reason. He must have … She just needs to see him. She just has to get to the show.
Constance goes over the strategy for the night. She casually ignores the blood on the white shag carpet. She says they’re creating an aura of exclusivity – an undisclosed location and a select group of fans, mostly Ladyheart die hards. Lucifer demands a different crowd. He’s had his fill of die hards. They already love him. He wants new fans. He wants fresh blood. Constance glances down at the carpet.
Crowley and Castiel try to get the location out of Dwayne and Tommy while Sam and Dean try their hand with Constance. She meets with them in a juice bar. Dean is wearing leather. She’s more interested in her phone.
WE’RE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS PEOPLE! IT’S A WORLD GONE MAD!
Dean explains that he and Sam are like the American Oasis. “But with synths!”
Constance quickly brings things to a close. She only took the meting because they looked hot in their pics, but she’s just not feeling it.
They drop the pretense and appeal to Constance’s better nature. She has to have noticed that Rick Springfield is different. She laughs when they tell her he’s the actual devil.
“I’m in PR. I’ve worked for sexist, racists, even politicians. My job is making saints out of devils.”
The limo pulls up to the venue. Constance is delighted with the buzz around the show. Crying emojis and rending garments as far as the twitter can see! Tommy gripes that he would be happier if they had new music to sell. Dwayne is taken aback to learn that Rick Springfield has been a no-show in the studio. He holds the band’s contract over him. Rick Springfield can get in line or Dwayne will take it all away.
Rick Springfield compels Dwayne to stab himself in the jugular with a pen that Dre gave him.
Constance and Tommy finally reach their tipping points. Constance walks away. Tommy texts Cas with the show’s location. Outside the club, Sam reminds them the job isn’t just to stop Lucifer. They need to save the civilians, too. Cas says that Lucifer is his responsibility. Sam insists that Cas won’t last three minutes against his brother.
“Then I’ll buy you three minutes.”
Crowley tells him to make it four. “What? I help.”
Backstage. The rest of the band is reveling in the crowd. Lucifer walks in and snaps their necks. He asks Tommy how he’s feeling about the show. Any nerves? Tommy backs up against the wall, finally forced to confront the truth of what his friend has become. Lucifer says who he was doesn’t matter. He’s Rick Springfield, rock god. He’s famous. Everybody loves him.
And if the fans won’t bleed for him by choice, he’ll just take it.
Sam and Dean walk into the club just as the vamp starts playing. Sam pulls the fire alarm. Lucifer pauses his pummeling of Castiel and Crowley long enough to kill the alarm and restart the music. People turn and rush back into the club.
Lucifer ascends the stags and basks in the fans’ adoration. Dean pulls out his gun and fires a single shot into the air. The crowd streams towards the exit. Sam braces himself in the doorway, struggling to hold the doors against Lucifer’s mojo.
And now it’s just a show for an intimate audience of three. As his vessel decays around him, Lucifer gives them another tired verse of blah blah Daddy doesn’t love me blah.
So bored. So beyond bored of Lucifer and his issues.
Lucifer finally evacuates the vessel, leaving Rick Springfield’s body to ugly away on the stage. Aww. Bye again Rick Springfield. You were a delight.
Dean gives Crowley due credit for taking one for the team and declares the night a win. The didn’t catch Lucifer but they did save the crowd, so. Sam isn’t ready to celebrate. He says Rick Springfield meant something to a lot of people. And Lucifer twisted it up and snuffed it out. What happened is on them. They let Lucifer out.
Let’s just review again – it was Sam’s brilliant idea to spring Lucifer. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T LISTEN TO DEAN. MAKE A NOTE OF IT.
Sam says they’re not winning. They’re just losing slow. Crowley and Castiel agree that Lucifer isn’t finished. He’ll keep going bigger. Dean growls that they will stop him.
“We will. It’s what we do.”
Supernatural airs Thursday at 8:00 p.m. (Eastern) on The CW.