Olympics: Wishing they’d start the gymnastics just a smidge earlier.

Women’s cycling. This lasts all of about 2 minutes and Kristin Armstrong from U!S!A! wins the gold. And no she’s not related to Lance. DUH. But! She and Lance are both triathletes! So there’s that!

And then we learn that the Women’s Beach Volleyball team REALLY REALLY want to win. NO, REALLY. They’ll shank you if you get in their way.

Question: would Women’s Beach Volleyball get so much primetime play if they weren’t wearing this? Related: Is it sexist?

Hey! More Synchronized Diving! And this is different than Monday night, how? Oh…they’re on bouncy boards rather than not-bouncy platforms. I see. I guess. Also? The competitors all appear to be older than 12. And long story short: NO MEDALS FOR YOU, AMERICA.

Budweiser would like you to know that there are bars in China. Where you can drink and everything.

OOH! My favorite part of the night! Crazy Mary Carillo and her vaguely racist “Life in China” piece! Monday? The Chinese have public bathrooms. Tuesday? The Chinese have pandas. Tonight? The Chinese will eat anything!

Mary first heads into a 600-year-old restaurant where she begins hectoring the owner about his duck recipe, and the owner threatens to kill her. Then she eats some Imperial Noodles WITH A FORK. Hey? Mary? Why no chopsticks, honey? Next up: she heads to “snack street” and eats a fried scorpion (but doesn’t actually swallow…which isn’t that surprising). She then wanders into a restaurant to gawk at, but not actually eat, a dish featuring rabbit’s head and goose “lips” or beaks as most people call them. She then balks at a hot pot dish with beef tripe. Finally, she ends her culinary tour at a teahouse, where she, for no particular reason, sings “I’m a Little Teapot” as a waiter pours tea into her cup from a teapot with a ridiculously long spout. Hilarity, as you can imagine, ensues.

And thus concludes Mary Carillo’s zany “Foreigners Sure Eat Weird Stuff!” package.

The American Women’s Volleyball team quickly beats Norway. Kerri (who is sporting a bunch of electrical tape all over her shoulder) says that she and her partner “out-scrapped” the other team. “Out-scrapped?” That’s not a word.

Swimming = no medals = who cares. Look, here’s the thing. I know this is going to be anti-Phelps and therefore anti-American, but I don’t need to see everything that Phelps does. I don’t need to see every single semifinal event. I also don’t need to see Phelps eat or sleep. (Which you know NBC would air if they could.)

Rather than watch Phelps annihilate some poor swimmers from the Ukraine or Norway or some other country who never had a chance against the Giant Merman, I’d rather watch this:

(A word of warning: don’t click the clicky. Don’t click the clicky unless you are truly emotionally prepared for what follows. Which is horrible. Truly truly horrible. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. DON’T CLICK!)


UPDATE: So this video was taken down. Probably for the best. But the long and short of it is, Hungarian weightlifter Janos Baranyai, tries to lift a little too much weight, and dislocates his elbow. It’s gruesome. Here’s a picture. DON’T CLICK ON IT.

Mr. T and I agree: the Lyrica commercial gets New Orleans all kinds of wrong. For starters, St. Louis Cathedral, like most cathedrals, does not host a sidewalk cafe.

And just as I am settling down for some Mens’ Gymanstics, THEY BREAK AWAY FOR MORE PHELPS’ HOO-HA. WHO. CARES.

Unless Phelps is up for his 67th World-Record-Breaking Gold Medal, I DON’T CARE. GIVE ME MY HOBBITS-A-FLIPPING.


AND THEN, just as we’re getting some awesome Horton pommel horse action, news comes in that we’re going to break away FOR MORE SWIMMING. I SO DON’T CARE ALREADY. And, you know what, announcers? You can talk all you want about how the swimmers have had an intestinal bug? BUT I STILL DON’T CARE.


That is, if I can stay awake for them. So. The Americans? Will they compete well? How does Horton and Sasha do? Can they repeat their tremendous high bar and pommel horse routines? Will they win any medazzzzzzzzzzz…..


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