Olympics: Girls, gold and glory


Edward A. Ornelas : Houston Chronicle

Why so serious?

So. He did it. Michael Phelps finished up the night (day?) in Beijing with a career total of ELEVEN gold medals. Eleven. That might as well be a million. The previous record was nine. I mean, c’mon, it’s history! After winning his tenth medal for the 200m butterfly, I was so proud that I jumped up and down, yelled and … cocked to my head wondering “Why does he look so mad?” Could America’s favorite son really be some total diva obsessed with every millisecond?

Whew. Not the case. Apparently he threw his cap and goggles in a mini-tantrum because some water got in his googles. Surprisingly, Bob Costas said it best: “If you were wondering if Michael Phelps is good enough to do it with his eyes closed — the answer is apparently yes.”

Of course, that’s not the end of Phelps’ journey for the night (day?). He lead his team to gold in the 4x200m freestyle relay. Not only did they take the gold, not only did they lead the entire race, but they swam the 800 meters in UNDER SEVEN MINUTES. UN. REAL.

I guess there was something for Phelps to actually be upset about. That would be the silver-medal winning American women’s gymnastics team. SIGH. It was a really hard-fought battle, and, even though I really like her for reasons I can’t really explain, Alicia Sacramone dropped the ball for her team. She fell attempting an impressive mount on the balance beam and then fell once again during her floor routine. Even Nastia Liukin and Shawn Jordan’s extraordinary performances couldn’t make up for it.

And so the gold went to those cute, little Chinese children. They were really quite good, but I guess when you’re that young, you’re just a little more flexible.

One of my favorite raving lunatics Bela Karolyi put it all out there (translated as best I could): “I have to comment, they’re good kids, nothing to say about that. Too bad they are underaged and they should not be legally accepted.” Word, Bela. WORD.

According to Mary Carillo, it’s not Phelps or even the Chinese gymnasts that are the must-see in Beijing. Check out her pick after the jump.

PANDAS! They’re awesome and Mary Carillo wants to tell us all about them in this totally unnecessary package! Decked out in her best poncho and a turtleneck (which may or may not be concealing an Adam’s apple), Carillo visited a panda sanctuary and one special fella in particular: Lulu. As Carillo says, “Lulu is what you might call a super stud, many times a panda pop.” Oh, wait, it gets better. Apparently they show him PANDA PORNOGRAPHY. Yes. Actual video of pandas procreating. The squeals of panda passion are a sound I will not soon forget. After asking the tough questions, like if they ever try Whitman’s samplers, Carillo shows off her vast biological knowledge: “Can they do any tricks? Do they juggle?”


That’s what I’m really tuning in for. Not world records or Olympic history; I want to see Mary Carillo sample a bamboo biscuit.

This is why I love the Olympics.

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