Olympics: It’s a fact! Michael Phelps eats a lot!

Unfortunately, tonight’s coverage lacks the lasciviousness of last night. No naked pictures on the internet, no Italian boyfriends, no smack-talking frogs. So how will NBC fill all 387 hours of Olympics coverage?

  1. Try to create drama out of a temporarily lost piece of jewelry
  2. Marvel at just how much Michael Phelps eats (SPOILER ALERT: a lot!)
  3. Try to create a controversy over how long it takes the judges to give the scores in Men’s Gymnastics.

So, what I’m saying is I have less to work with than Bobby. But some observations:

Right, so, synchronized diving. Frankly, the idea of climbing up onto a platform three stories in the air and diving off is terrifying enough without then worrying about flipping and spinning and NOT CREATING A SPLASH. But then? To ask me to do it next to someone else in perfect unison with another person? HA.

So I have the utmost respect for these guys, even if our team didn’t medal. But I’m left with more questions than answers:

1. How did this sport get created? Who thought, “well, sure, the dive itself is complicated, but wouldn’t it be awesome if we could see it in stereo?” Because these are things that would never occur to me. See above.

2. Is it important that the team look exactly alike? Do they deduct points for non-matching haircuts? Is that why the American’s didn’t do as well?

3. Why is it OK for 14-year-olds to compete in this competition, but you have to be 16 for gymnastics? Shouldn’t there be a uniform age for the games? And shouldn’t that be an age that doesn’t make the average viewer feel creepy for finding said athlete hot?

Ah…Olympic mysteries.


Boy, that Michael Phelps sure eats a lot of food!

OH NOES! Kerri Walsh of the Women’s Beach Volleyball Team lost her wedding ring during a match! A ring that is inscribed “6 feet of sunshine!” (I wish I were 6 feet of anything: 6 feet of sassy; 6 feet of surliness; 6 feet of schadenfreude…doesn’t matter.) I CAN HAZ MAI WEDDING RING? KTHNXBAI.

So, the Womens’ Beach Volleyball team, having fended off President Bush, is playing Cuba tonight. The announcers can only say the Americans are dominant so many times, so instead, they start blathering on about how Misty May-Treanor once went on a date with the man who would become her husband and there was a Sharpie salesman who was hitting on her? Or something? Really, NBC? Really? Oh, and the Americans win, but that was no big surprise.

Hey! Did you know that the Chinese have trains? And dams? And hilariously tall people? And public bathrooms? IT’S TRUE!

Michael Phelps continues to smash the Thorpedo’s records. Did you know that Michael Phelps can eat a whole lot? No, I mean like a LOT of food. Seriously. It’s true. But he’s not the only awesome American swimmer: Natalie Coughlin and Aaron Piersol also rock the gold for America in the backstroke. I wonder how much they eat. Probably not as much as Michael Phelps. He eats A LOT.

The Hamm-less Mens’ Gymnastics team, who, compared to the swimmers, are like small woodland creatures (take me to your pot of gold, Horton!), take the stage. And the big controversy with the Mens’ Gymnastics is that it’s taking a really long time to score everyone, and whether or not the judges are using slow motion to go back and evaluate routines, and frankly, I think all the gymnasts should yank out a bra strap in solidarity and show the judges who’s really in charge. (What? No Stick It fans?)

The controversy for me is how Horton’s and Prince Harry’s high bar routines could be scored so low. What up with that? No–seriously? Why no 16s for those routines? They were crazy-amazing. Instead, the 16s go to the Chinese who manage to step all sorts of out of bounds on their vaults and call me a conspiracy theorist, but I SMELL A RAT. Especially since all this happens just as Team USA has taken the lead.

So then! After a tremendous floor routine by Jonathan Horton and mediocre routines by everyone else, Team USA begins to lose its improbable lead.

Ugh. But then? To make matters worse? Team USA? Two of them totally blow it on the pommel horse? BUT THEN?!? Alexander Artemev goes up and does this superfantastico performance on the pommel horse, like mind-blowingly can’t-believe-I-just-saw-that good routine, but only gets a 15.350 on it! WHAT ARE THE JUDGES SMOKING? SERIOUSLY. BLERG.

And that’s how Team USA wins the bronze medal that the announcers try to claim is this amazing and improbable accomplishment. And maybe? That might be true?

But I still think it should have been silver.

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