‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Signs point to crazy.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Read Between the Signs”
May 20, 2020

Our episode begins with Garcelle meeting her actual girlfriends — her business partner, Lisa; Sheree, Will Smith’s first wife; and two other women who are just designated as friends, Claudine and Franceli. These women talk a bit about Garcelle’s divorce, the fact that she dated Will Smith (after his divorce from Sheree, but apparently before his marriage to Jada), and how dating Black men in Hollywood is hard: they are either bad boys or insecure boys — or some combination therein. And honestly, this is the most interesting conversation Garcelle has had on this show so far, probably because it’s the most genuine and people are actually talking to her.

Over at Kyle’s house, she takes a call from Erika, who invites her to a dinner party with an astrologer. And considering how such events have gone in the past …

… Kyle is reasonably cautious.

They also discuss the fact that Denise is weirdly pissed at Kyle, and how they can’t figure out what she’s so mad about. They narrow it down to their “adult” conversation at the grown-ups table, but are still baffled considering she was the woman who brought up “happy endings” last year … so … what is even going on here?


Over at Denise’s house, she’s helping her daughter Sam prepare for her second homecoming dance — and the first one with a real date date. Denise talks a bit about the struggles to raise teenagers, before insisting that she is not as wild and crazy as people think. When she married Charlie Sheen, he was sober!

But a few years later, he’d completely gone off the rails, and she filed for divorce while six months pregnant with their second daughter, Lola. This little monologue is interrupted when she disapproves of one of Sammy’s choices of dresses for being too mature.

And I guess what we are actually seeing is the difference a season makes: This is Denise’s second season on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and she filmed the first season in a vacuum. In the first season, she was a newlywed, she was excited about her very active sex life with her beefy husband, and she didn’t think anything about being open about it with her “girlfriends.” On camera. Repeatedly.

But then the season airs, and her teen daughters who were not privy to those conversations are not only hearing them for themselves, but certainly hearing about them from their peers at school, and they were probably completely mortified. Denise Richards, who clearly prides herself as being the “good” parent, realized that what she says on camera — especially if it is salacious — is going to actually be aired, and decided to shut that shit down in the second season. The problem is it’s too late. Everyone knows her sex life is anything but vanilla because that big-dicked horse of hers is out of the barn.

But good luck changing the narrative, Denise.

Elsewhere, Erika does some choreography for her stint in Chicago and cries when her instructor shows her a video message from the cast telling her that they are excited to have her. And I don’t want to attack someone for being emotional, but is Erika extra weepy this season, or is that just me?

Over at the Rinnas’, Harry Hamlin is actually home and we learn that he’s been in Delaware? In a play? With Hart to Hart star, Stephanie Powers? This is just a weird Bingo card of completely unrelated nouns, but OK.

Harry Hamlin and Rinna discuss their daughters’ business venture that they definitely did not buy for them, and how Amelia didn’t need to stay at Parsons School of Design to become a “fashion designer” after all! Also, Rinna insists that the entire family has gone to therapy and that Harry Hamlin now knows how to not exacerbate his daughter’s eating disorder with his passive-aggressive commentary. Great progress, everyone.

In Dorit’s world: she has a meeting with the Buca di Beppo guy, Robert, and Her Insufferable Husband, and it feels weirdly hostile on the Buca di Beppo Guy’s part? Like, he doesn’t trust Dorit with this project? And to repeat, the project is merely to redecorate one (1) room in one (1) Buca di Beppo restaurant in Encino? This is neither a difficult challenge, nor an expensive one, but this asshole is acting as if she can’t be trusted to pull it off. He doesn’t say it explicitly, but there are some very “women be shoppin'” vibes coming off this guy and I hate it. DO NOT MAKE ME DEFEND DORIT, GOD DAMMNIT.

Oh, and they also talk about Lisa Vanderpump because they are all VanderFriends — or used to be. Buca di Beppo Guy doesn’t think his working with Dorit will infringe on his relationship with Lisa Vanderpump because it’s not a real venture, it’s more like lady busywork.

So then, everyone gets ready for Erika’s dinner party. As Kyle puts on her makeup and her very short skirt (wear it while you can, momma), she marvels that Mauricio is eating a sandwich! That he made for himself! Like an adult! She also calls Sutton about sharing a ride and they briefly discuss the fact that Sutton has some things she wants to discuss with Dorit after the whole “freakout” at Lisa’s kids’ launch party non-controversy.

Kyle, Teddi, and Sutton ride to Erika’s together, where they talk again about how Denise is being aggressive towards Kyle, and Teddi gets carsick.

At Erika’s, Mr. Girardi has been wheeled out of the cedar closet and is being forced to greet the guests, including Garcelle, Sutton, and Denise, whom he has not yet met despite this being — LITERALLY — Denise’s 27th episode.

Rinna, Garcelle, and Dorit are the first to arrive, and it turns out Rinna and Erika are wearing the exact same thing. Not dresses that sort of look like each other — but the exact same dress. We spend a great deal of time talking about this.

Sutton, Teddi, and Kyle arrive next, and as everyone settles in with their drinks and calm down from the shock of two women purchasing and wearing the same overpriced item of clothing, Mr. Girardi tells a story about how one time he was in the same room as John Wayne.

Denise eventually arrives, formally meets Mr. Girardi (who had been giving her legal advice in her recent child support spats with Charlie Sheen) and he is finally allowed to go to bed.

The astrologist, Shawn, arrives and is seated at the head of the dining room table where he begins giving his personalized readings of each of the women.

And interestingly, of the eight women there, half of them are Cancers. Now, look, I don’t believe in astrology myself, but as a fellow Cancer, I kind of can’t help but find it fascinating that half of the cast shares my sun sign. And I am not saying that these dumb assholes struggle to get along because they are a bunch of messy overly-emotional “crabs” because such a designation is based on nonsensical ancient pseudoscience; I’m just saying IT’S INTERESTING.

Anyway. Erika goes first, and Shawn explains that based on her chart (Cancer with the moon in Sagittarius) she’s very logical and that the best way to deal with her is to stick to facts.

Kyle (Capricorn with a Libra moon and Leo rising) is all about consistency, practicality, and direct honesty and becomes upset when someone is treated unfairly.

Denise (Aquarius with a Scorpio moon) has an “intensely complicated chart” and there’s a side of her that is “hidden” and she has the most to “reveal.” Also, she’s calculating and conspiring and will get revenge on a bitch.

Rinna (Cancer with Gemini rising) can’t hold back even if she wanted to, and everyone knows where they stand with her.

Garcelle (Sagittarius with the moon in Taurus) is the only fire sign in the room and is all about having a good time. She can be dangerous if she’s crossed on what she believes is right and wrong, however.

Dorit (another Cancer, with her moon in Pisces) is a hyper-emotional idiot.

Sutton (Virgo with a moon in Libra) is opinionated and takes things personally when it’s not intended.

Teddi (Cancer with a moon in Cancer) likes to make a deep connection with one person and is drawn to someone with earth in their sign, which would be Kyle, the Capricorn.

Kyle is like “SEE? THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. No one can get angry at me, because there is no choice in the matter.” The group is like, “Exactly, so stop denying that y’all have a special friendship?” Garcelle wonders why Kyle can’t just say that she’s particularly close to Teddi, what’s wrong with that? And Kyle doesn’t really have an answer, and instead just sputters and waves her hands around … until Dorit tattles that Kyle and Teddi went to couple’s therapy together.

Kyle and Teddi burst out laughing and are like, “WHAT? No! We did breathing exercises with a therapist together, we didn’t talk about our relationship, those are completely different things.” But the women don’t let up: Rinna, Dorit, Garcelle, and Erika all say that heard that Teddi and Kyle had “couple’s therapy,” so it’s now a fact.

Kyle insists they’ve all lost their minds and have too much time on their hands. The producers dig up the footage that we only saw during last year’s reunion in which Kyle and Teddi are walked through a breathing exercise by a therapist, followed by Dorit sassing that all she knows is that one plus one equals a couple and that they saw a therapist together, so you do the math.

Kyle yells at the astrologer to explain what sign accuses their friends of being in fake relationships, and Shawn tries his best to calmly, rationally walk the women through what they “need” from each other to feel better. This is hijacked with Sutton begins yelling at Dorit about her own issues, and Erika has to literally shut her down by reminding her that she is a guest in her home.

With that, Shawn makes his escape, God bless him.

Sutton tries to tell Dorit that she really liked her from the get-go, and so for Dorit to announce to everyone that she was going to “freak out” … she didn’t deserve that. Dorit counters that they are not girlfriends yet and that they do not know each other and how was she supposed to know how Sutton was going to behave? Kyle calls this the dumbest thing she’s ever heard and Dorit is like, “I don’t know, she could have broken a glass or something.”

Rinna asks Kyle why she’s so worked up before pointing out that it was her daughters’ launch party. But Kyle’s like, “and nothing happened? Why are y’all still so upset WHEN NOTHING HAPPENED?”

Sutton adds that she feels like the other women don’t really want to get to know her personally, and Garcelle seconds that, noting that Kyle in particular “glazes right over [her].”

Kyle protests that she thinks Garcelle is gorgeous, outspoken, and adores her. So Dorit asks, “Then why do you glaze over her?”

Kyle half-jokingly tells Dorit to “shut up, you fucking asshole,” before explaining that when she “feels something, it comes out, whether that’s defending Teddi” or Sutton or Dorit … to which Garcelle, about whom the question was originally asked, sighs heavily.

She’s not wrong.

With that, Garcelle, Rinna, and Denise get up and leave, but Kyle doesn’t even notice because she’s too busy yelling at Dorit.

In the car on the ride home, Garcelle complains to Rinna and Denise that Kyle doesn’t seem to even recognize that she’s in the room. She then attacks Kyle’s “hideous” outfit. (It was fine. I’ve seen worse.) But adds that even if she had said that to Kyle’s face, she would have been like: “OH MY GOD, DORIIIIIITT.”

She’s not wrong.

I love her.

Back at Erika’s, Kyle is still freaking out over being accused of going to “couple’s therapy” with Teddi, which she vehemently denies. Erika is like, “alright, but it’s part of the bigger issue of you and Teddi being a ‘package deal.'”

When Dorit points out that Kyle has been breaking down anytime someone disagrees with her, guess what happens?

“FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. YOU DON’T GET TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEL,” Kyle yells back. In an interview, Erika explains that Kyle has been stressed of late and that she’s never seen her this upset before.

And let me just pause here to say that 1. I think accusing Kyle and Teddi of going to couple’s therapy on top of accusing them of “sleeping together” is gross and stupid on Dorit’s part and she is just being a jealous asshole; 2. Kyle probably feels, once again, ganged up on in this situation; and 3. Erika ain’t wrong, Kyle does seem particularly fragile and is constantly losing her damn mind.

So when Erika tells her, calmly, that she thinks Kyle and Teddi’s relationship is “strange,” Kyle lashes out at her that just because Erika doesn’t have any good friends doesn’t mean her relationship with Teddi is weird. Erika, taken aback, decides to be the bigger person and not be insulted by Kyle’s comment because it’s so out of line. But she adds that she does have good friends and she counts Kyle among them.

And that, friends, is how you shut down a jackass.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.

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