‘Saturday Night Live’: BREAKING NEWS! Jennifer Lopez is attractive

Saturday Night Live
Jennifer Lopez & DaBaby
December 7, 2019

I don’t know if you are aware of this, but Jennifer Lopez is a very attractive woman. I only mention it because the writers at Saturday Night Live seem to believe we were not aware of this, and so they devoted the first full hour of last night’s episode to reminding us that Jennifer Lopez — despite being the unimaginable age of 50 — is, in fact, a very attractive woman. And it’s not that any of the sketches were bad, exactly, it’s just that they were so very repetitive and unimaginative.

And listen, I get it, it’s easy to criticize. I’m not having to come up with 10 original sketches every week — I wouldn’t be able to, I know that. But. If I were in that writers’ room, my pitch would have been to have the very attractive 50-year-old Jennifer Lopez pay tribute to SNL‘s most famous 50-year-old, Sally O’Malley:

i'm fifty sally o'malley snl saturday night live.gif

Oh well. Missed opportunity.

Donald Trump being made fun of by other world leaders at last week’s NATO summit was like catnip to late night, so it only makes a certain sense that late night hosts would pop in to portray said world leaders. Jimmy Fallon returned to 8H as Justin Trudeau, James Corden was an inspired Boris Johnson, and though he does not have his own late night show, Paul Rudd stopped by to play Emmanuel Macron. Baldwin is also back as Trump, forced to sit at the loser cafeteria table while the others mock him. While Corden is great as Johnson, for my money, the best performance is Kate McKinnon’s incredibly awkward and self-conscious Angela Merkel, excited to be invited to hang with the cool kids.

Grade: B+

Jennifer Lopez’s entire monologue is reminding us that she is 50, singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” with the Rockettes, and then doing a quick change into That Dress. I truly hate the singing monologues.

Grade: B

A couple wins a home makeover from HGTV, and the whole joke is that Jennifer Lopez is really hot.

Grade: B-

Jennifer Lopez is Jennifer Lopez who, like all those who cross his path, is drawn to Pete Davidson’s disaffected Chad, and the whole joke is that Jennifer Lopez is really hot and would still be attracted to Chad.

Grade: B

In this sketch, three sisters compete for the affection of “The Corporal” and the whole joke is that Jennifer Lopez is really hot.

Grade: A-

I don’t understand the internal logic of this Them Trumps sketch. The punchline of all of these sketches is that Donald Trump would never get away with his shenanigans if he were black, which absolutely. Yes. In agreement. But in this sketch, Black Trump’s rallygoers only turn on him when he says something about being black. Do they not … have eyes? I don’t … what?

Grade: C+

“Weekend Update” is fine. There’s a solid Catholic impeachment joke in there, and the Peloton joke gets a big thumbs up, but that Forest Gump reference, I have to admit, made me cringe.

Grade: B+

Nancy Pelosi prays for Donald Trump. Momma needs a break, indeed.

Grade: A-

Beck Benett returns with Jules, the creep who thinks he sees the world just a little bit differently. He’s hateable, but that’s the entire point.

Grade: B+

A group of carolers perform not Christmas carols — they’re mostly variations on 90s R&B songs about Home Alone for some reason — while demanding money from the rich white homeowners. Frankly, the Home Alone angle isn’t as funny as the writers seemed to think, and the reveal at the end sends a message that left me very uncomfortable, but hey: the entire joke isn’t “Jennifer Lopez is SUPER HOT, you guys,” so there’s yay! Variety!

Grade: C

Though this ad for a store that sells hoop earrings delivers some solid jokes (I would wear those Diabetes earrings), the entire setup feels really, really familiar. Like, “I’ve seen this sketch before” familiar. I can’t exactly place it, and I think it’s from several years back, but I know I’ve seen some a sketch very similar to this before. AND AFTER THIRTY MINUTES OF SEARCHING, I FOUND IT. (It’s not exactly the same, obviously, but it’s awfully similar.) I know how to use the internet, you guys!

Grade: B+

At first, you assume the joke in this ad spoof is the ridiculousness of a device that allows you to pee from the comfort of your own bed, but then the actual joke, that men have NO IDEA how women’s bodies work, lands with a solid punch. This could have been juvenile and one-note, but it actually manages to make a solid point about how the world is entirely designed for men. (And it really is. If you are feeling the need to read something that will infuriate and stay with you, check out this article about how women literally die because the world isn’t designed with us in mind.)

Grade: A+

I don’t know what is happening here. I am so confused. A bear? There’s a bear? And some rough wigs? I just don’t know. I’m looking forward to seeing the sketches that were cut for time in favor of whatever this was.

Grade: C

I actually kinda enjoy these sorta lazy exercise class sketches in which the SNL actors take turns being ridiculous instructors, but I think that’s mostly because I really like Bowen Yang.

Grade: B+

Final Grade: A solid B-.

dumbass saturday night live snl.gif

Saturday Night Live airs at 10:30/11:30 p.m. Saturdays on NBC.

One thought on “‘Saturday Night Live’: BREAKING NEWS! Jennifer Lopez is attractive

  1. Yes – hoops = the new car horns. They also did doorbells and alarm clocks in that same series. Jenny Slate was great at it, as was J Lo in this one… but very familiar!

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