In which I take a break from impeachment nonsense to remind myself I never finished recapping ‘Bachelor in Paradise.’ Whoops.

Dear Bachelor, Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise fans: First, I’m sorry I never finished recapping BiP this season — I have only three episodes left and plenty of good intentions to get around to doing it, but who knows, right? Everything is so crazy right now that I can’t promise anything. Second, let me offer you this diverting little Buzzfeed poll/quiz along with my apology. Having to choose between Jed and Juan Pablo is just my worst nightmare.

The Paley Center for Media honored a whole host of comedy legends this weekend, and looking over this article both warmed my heart but also left me a little pre-bummed, thinking about how many greats we will certainly be losing in the coming years. Is that a weird response? Anyway, Carol Burnett is the fucking best.

This is a confusing story but the bottom line is that an actress who used to be on Law & Order: SVU once told someone that everyone on SVU  — with the exception of Ice-T — were awful people. She denies saying it, but OK.

If you are a How to Get Away with Murder fan but have not yet watched Thursday’s episode, DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK.

The new Walking Dead series is going to be called The Walking Dead: World Beyond and Julia Ormond is joining the cast.

If you go on Wheel of Fortune, BE CAREFUL WITH CONJUNCTIONS.

YOU PEOPLE NEED TO STOP ASKING CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IF HE WANTS MORE COWBELL.

An anchorman, Nick Vasos, at Kansas City’s Fox 4, sent an email to his bosses letting them know he was taking some sick leave — but accidentally sent it to the entire company that owns his station, Nexstar Media Group, who owns nearly 200 stations across the country. People started responding to the email with an outpouring of faux sympathy, a Twitter hashtag was born and his desk at work became a shrine.

He might have been Jack Abbot on Young and the Restless for the past 30 years, but to me, he will always be All My Children‘s Dr. Cliff Warner, and to you, he will always be, “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.” (At least he will be if you were alive in the 80s.)

Andrew Yang is SO MAD for being ignored at the most recent MSNBC debate. He claims they didn’t include him in graphics, only gave him a fraction of speaking time as the other candidates and called him “John Yang.” He refused to do interviews on the network until they apologize to him on-air. OK. Good luck with that, John.

Impeachment Corner!

Oh, by “taking a break from impeachment nonsense” I just meant “push impeachment nonsense to the middle of the post instead of leading with it.’

This is how much my life has been hijacked by this impeachment story: a friend who shall remain nameless woke me up with an email this morning that simply had a subject line, no text: “Are you awake??? Parnas apparently handed over tapes!!!!!!!” and my response was, obviously, “HOLY SHIT” followed by a second email “AND THE INTEL COMMITTEE HAS THEM?!?!”

Because, friends, they do. They do has them.

“The material submitted to the committee includes audio, video and photos that include Giuliani and Trump. It was unclear what the content depicts and the committees only began accessing the material last week.”

Talk about going open kimono.

Speaking of Parnas, there is a damning piece in The New York Times about how he and Fruman and Giuliani pressured Ukrainian oligarchs to help them on digging up dirt on the Bidens. So the short version of this story is that Giuliani and his goons reached out to two Ukranian oligarchs, Dmitry Firtash and Ihor Kolomoisky, who both happened to have legal troubles in the United States. Firtash is facing bribery and extortion charges, Kolomoisky is being investigated for money laundering. So, Giuliani approaches these guys and is like, “Listen, if you can find me something to use against the Bidens, and you hire these two TV lawyers I pal around with, I might be able to talk to the Justice Department for you …” Firtash appears to have taken him up on his offer, Kolomoisky basically told him to go fuck himself. This is what happened after:

After the Kolomoisky meeting’s unsuccessful end, Mr. Giuliani tweeted about the Daily Beast article and gave an interview to a Ukrainian journalist. Mr. Zelensky, he warned, “must cleanse himself from hangers-on from his past and from criminal oligarchs — Ihor Kolomoisky and others.”

Mr. Kolomoisky offered a warning of his own, predicting in the Ukrainian press that “a big scandal may break out, and not only in Ukraine, but in the United States. That is, it may turn out to be a clear conspiracy against Biden.”

It’s worth reading, y’all.

Meanwhile, The Washington Post is reporting that a confidential review of the White House’s decision to put a hold on aid to Ukraine has turned up some Not Great emails from Mick Mulvaney. Basically, people familiar with the review which was done by the White House Counsel’s Office say that the emails show that Mulvaney was asking officials in the Office of Management and Budget to come up with a legal justification to withhold the money and how long they could hold the money before getting in trouble. Basically, this is some straight-up consciousness of guilt shit — Mulvaney knows holding up the money is wrong, and he’s just trying to figure out how long they can get away with it.

But the thing to REALLY read from this story is something that isn’t actually written: the White House Counsel’s Office is sharpening their knives to put in Mulvaney’s back when things inevitably get worse. Gurl, you better invest in a Kevlar vest.

Elsewhere, a judge is expected to rule before the end of the day today whether or not former White House Counsel Don McGahn can be compelled to testify before Congress on the Mueller stuff, which, if he is, will have HUGE consequences for other White House staffers who have thus far refused to comply with Congressional subpoenas.

Finally, we end where we began today: with Lev Parnas. He’s obviously singing like a canary, and one of the other people he’s singing about is one California Representative and the Ranking Member of the Intelligence Committee — you know, the guys who ran the last two weeks of public hearings — Devin Nunes. According to Parnas, Devin Nunes was doing his own dirt-digging on the Bidens, meeting personally with the Ukrainian prosecutor that Biden pressured out of office, among others on a trip to Vienna last year. HUH. FUNNY HOW NONE OF THIS CAME UP DURING THE HEARINGS, DEVIN.

#MeToo

Gross person Tony Robbins has been accused of sexually assaulting a teenager at a summer camp back in the 80s. She is one of many women who have accused him of sexual assault over the decades.

And speaking of gross people, R. Kelly’s girlfriend Joycelyn Savage has come forward to accuse him of abuse and manipulative behavior after years of silence.

They’re making a Michael Jackson biopic, and just … gross. No. They claim it’s not going to be a “sanitized” version of his life, but since the filmmaker (who also made the Freddie Mercury biopic Bohemian Rhapsody) bought the rights from the Jackson estate, I think we can turn a jaundiced eye towards this one.

Prince Andrew’s downfall is completely consuming Vanity Fair. A few articles: He will not be stripped of his title, but he will relinquish royal duties and work with some 200 charities because no one wants his taint. According to this story, it was Prince William who pushed him out because he’s “not a huge fan of his uncle.” Also, he’s going to be king one day and does not need this bullshit. And here is a timeline of his downfall.

Big Brother Spain is embroiled in a sexual assault mess wherein producers showed a contestant footage of herself being assaulted by another contestant (it’s unclear if she knew the assault took place), and then the producers instructed her to not talk about it with the other contestant. NOT A GREAT LOOK, GUYS.

Ghen Maynard, the former CBS TV Studios senior executive vice president of alternative programming, has filed a lawsuit against the studio for wrongful termination and discrimination after his contract was not renewed. He says h’s being fired because he’s Japanese and for his age. Also, he accuses them a launching a “sham” investigation into his behavior. OK.

Renewals

  • Servant has been renewed at Apple TV+ for a second season ahead of its premiere this week.
  • The Wheel of Time has been renewed at Amazon for a second season ahead of its premiere.

Cancellations

  • Anne With An E will end on Netflix after this upcoming third season.
  • 205 Live hasn’t been canceled by the WWE Newtork — yet.

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendar

  • Doctor Who will return on BBC in early 2020.
  • Fuller House returns on Netflix on December 6.
  • The Grand Tour Presents: Seamen will premiere on Amazon on December 13.
  • The Price is Right will air special episodes featuring David Boreanaz and the SEAL Team cast on December 22, and Seth Rogan on December 23.
  • Sex Education will return on Netflix on January 17.

R.I.P.

Arthur Marks, Producer and director of Perry Mason among other things

Michael J. Pollard, Actor in a million things, including Bonnie & Clyde, Gunsmoke, and Alfred Hitchcock Presents

Pam Polifroni, Casting director for Gunsmoke

Gahan Wilson, New Yorker cartoonist

Goo Hara, K-Pop star

Harry Morton, Restauranteur

WATCH THIS

Dancing with the Stars: A winner (? but are they really?) is crowned. Season finale. 7 p.m., ABC

Bluff City Law: This is the last episode the series has filmed so far. NBC hasn’t canceled it yet, but, guys, it’s not looking good. 9 p.m., NBC

Wrap Battle: This is a new gift-wrapping competition. This is also what happens when there are an infinite number of content providers. Series premiere. 8 p.m., Freeform

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Daisy Ridley, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Eric Dyson, Noah Cyrus featuring Leon Bridges
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Sterling K. Brown, Gilbert Gottfried, Derren Brown
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Robert De Niro, J.J. Abrams
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Jamie Lee Curtis, Thomas Middleditch, Pardison Fontaine featuring Offset
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Tom Hanks, Jameela Jamil, Brittany Howard
  • Watch What Happens Live: Tanner Sterback, Brian De Saint Pern
  • A Little Late with Lily Singh: Thomas Middleditch, Martin Starr, Zack Woods, Amanda Crew

 

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Prodigal Son
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