So I haven’t mentioned this whole Trump-Ukraine-Giuliani-whistleblower-bribery story here because when it started breaking, there was no way to know that this wasn’t going to just be another Outrage of the Day from an administration that literally does nothing but outrage. And, honestly, though I’m not always great at it, I try to limit mentioning stories about this administration to only ones related to the media, because 1. this is ostensibly a TV blog and 2. if I wrote about everything President Corruption did that pisses me off, we’d be here all day as I just screamed incomprehensibly in all caps. I’m not sure it would be good for my mental health, frankly.
But. This story, it has legs, and we need to talk about it.
The TL:DR version is President Do What I Want called the Ukrainian President and asked him to fabricate a controversy about his anticipated competitor in the 2020 election, Joe Biden and his son in exchange for money and weapons.
The longer version is this: In 2014, Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, joined the board of directors of a Ukrainian oil company owned by a Ukrainian oligarch, Mykola Zlochevsky, who was very corrupt. (You can tell by the part where he’s an oligarch.) Then, in 2016, Joe Biden called on Ukraine to fire a prosecutor who supposedly was investigating Zlochevsky and his oil company. Which sounds shady! Except, the prosecutor was notorious for being soft on corruption, had not actually been investigating Zlochevsky or the oil company for over a year, and after he was removed, other investigations into Zlochevsky proceeded without the Obama administration or Joe Biden getting involved.
The then-Ukrainian prosecutor general told the news agency he found no evidence of wrongdoing by Biden and his son. And PolitiFact reported it found no evidence to “support the idea that Joe Biden advocated with his son’s interests in mind.”
Additionally, the most recent former prosecutor general of Ukraine, Yuriy Lutsenko, told Bloomberg he had no evidence of wrongdoing by either Biden.
OK. SO. Fast forward to this year. Congress approves of an aid package of hundreds of millions of dollars to Ukraine who is in a hot war with President Comrade’s BFF Putin. But! Back in July, President Shakedown here, he orders Mick Mulvaney to put a hold on those funds and make up some bullshit “interagency” excuse. Then! A few days after that (and the day after Robert Mueller testified before Congress), the Colluder-in-Chief, he goes and calls the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelensky, and was all, “Hey, I need you to do an investigation into Joe Biden and his son (if you want to see any of that sweet United States cash money).”
But then! There was someone in some national security department who either was listening in to the call or heard about it and when they learned the president basically tried to bribe President Zelensky, they filed a whistleblower complaint. It went to the Inspector General — a man who was appointed by President Sharpie — who was like, “YEP, THIS IS BAD,” and shared his findings with the Director of National Intelligence. Under the whistleblower laws, this report was supposed to be handed over by the DNI to Congress. But instead! He went to the Department of Justice with it and asked if there was anything illegal going on here. “NOPE!” they said, so he didn’t hand it over to Congress.
SO THEN. The Inspector General told Congress that there was this report out there and DNI wasn’t handing it over, and the head of the Intelligence Committee, Adam Schiff, was like “OH HELL NO,” and caused a ruckus. President Best Brain gave like 18 different excuses about the phone call and withholding the money, while also insisting that he did nothing wrong. Democrats started making impeachment noises, including congressional Democrats in districts that President Electoral College won, so Nancy Pelosi was like, “Alright. Maybe it’s time to make the impeachment.” President I Could Shoot Someone on Fifth Avenue, he’s finally good and spooked, so he calls Nancy Pelosi to ask if they can work something out on this whole whistleblower thing, and she replies, ‘Yes, you can tell your people to obey the law.’
President Oh Shit announces that he’ll release the transcript (or “transcript” because there’s not an actual transcript and also, too, this administration alters hurricane maps with Sharpies, so they’re not really to be trusted) of the call the next day, but TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE motherfucker and Nancy Pelosi came out and told the world it’s official, bitches, Congress is launching an impeachment investigation.
And over in the Senate, they voted to put out a sternly worded letter demanding that the whistleblower report also be handed over to Congress. Please. If it’s not too inconvenient. So the dumpster fire that is the White House, they agree that they will release the whistleblower report — redacted — to Congress tomorrow.
BUT WE’RE NOT DONE YET. So because President Felon was willing to release the transcript and the whistleblower report, I have to admit, there was a part of me that was worried that it was going to be not that huge.
I WAS WRONG. All we have is the transcript (or “transcript”) so far, and in it, President Zelensky, he literally says, “We are almost ready to buy more Javelins from the United States for defense purposes,” to which President Goofball responds, “I would like you to do us a favor.” QUID PRO QUO, MOTHERFUCKERS. IT’S RIGHT THERE. The Briber-in-Chief, he then asks Zelensky to look into Ukraine having Hillary’s missing server and emails (??) and then asks him to work with Rudy Guiliani and Attorney General Bill Barr on an investigation into his anticipated 2020 competition, Joe Biden and his son.
I. MEAN. YOU. GUYS.
But putting aside our criminal president doing crimes for a second: gee, I wonder why the Department of Justice said there was nothing to see here in regards to the whistleblower report. CAN WE PLEASE IMPEACH BARR, TOO?
Look. Right now the Republicans are clinging to nonsense talking points about how Biden is corrupt or that maybe it’s not improper to bribe fellow world leaders or that it’s not illegal to allow foreign interference in our elections or whatever. And the chances that the Senate under Mitch McConnell is going to remove Dear Leader from office is slim to never. But, boy howdy am I going to enjoy watching these assholes squirm while trying to defend clearly illegal and even treasonous behavior.
Anyway. Here’s Stephen Colbert’s audience giving a standing ovation upon hearing that Nancy Pelosi has announced IMPEACH:
MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell was honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award at last night’s News and Documentary Emmys. There, she accused President Dipshit of deliberately attacking the media as a re-election tactic AND SHE IS NOT WRONG.
“Now, we are called ‘the enemy of the people,’” she said, referring to a frequent turn of phrase deployed by Trump. “Our credibility as journalists is deliberately targeted as part of a re-election strategy. Today, time-honored norms are ignored. Press secretaries and senior officials deliver ‘alternative facts.’ Traditions such as White House briefings, State Department expanded-travel pools and formal news conferences are replaced by shouting exchanges on the South Lawn, often drowned out by the whirling rotor blades of Marine One.”
If you’re interested in who actually won at the Emmys, here is a full list.
Tom Hanks is going to receive the Cecil B. DeMille Award at the Golden Globes. Glad to see his work on Bosom Buddies is finally being recognized!
If you’re dark and you enjoy gambling, you can now bet on whether or not Jesse Pinkman will die in this Breaking Bad movie, El Camino, and if he does die, how.
Interesting: a notable Wisconsin murderer has claimed that he killed Teresa Halbach, the victim at the center of Making a Murderer. The man in question was free from prison at the time of the murder but is a known liar, so take it with a grain of salt.
Oh dear. Shark Tank‘s Kevin O’Leary’s wife, Linda, has been charged with a crime in a deadly boating accident that took place last month.
Now Joe “Meatball” Giudice WANTS to go to Italy. Just not to stay, please. Buona fortuna with that, Meatball!
And just a side note: tonight Stumptown, our new hate-blog, begins. Which, whatever, great. But I watched two other contenders yesterday: Emergence and Prodigal Son, and you guys, you missed an opportunity.
For starters, Emergence? Was really good. I don’t know where it’s going (the kid is an alien: Buzz Lightyear to Alison Tolman’s Woody), but it was well-written and acted, and has a chance to be a good little show.
Prodigal Son, however. WOW. Wow, it’s so bad. I don’t know how many times “My dad is a serial killer” or something to that effect was said in the episode, but it was A LOT. Also, most of the acting from Jesus from The Walking Dead‘s (whose acting I liked on that show) involves him just walking around going goggly-eyed. And, AND! “I’m the prodigal son” is LITERALLY SAID IN THE EPISODE. This is all aside from the stupid, stupid, so stupid murder case in the episode and the fact that the whole thing reads like terrible, lazy Hannibal fanfic … What I’m saying is that you guys really passed up a gem. OH WELL. I GUESS I’LL GO BLOG THIS DECENT SHOW INSTEAD.
- Notes on Love, a series from Shonda Rimes, Norman Lear and Steve Martin is in the works at Netflix. Ray Romano is going to star in it.
- Wet House and The Terminal have been bought by CBS. Wet House is a cop drama; The Terminal is an airport terminal drama.
- The CW is working on an Arrow spinoff that will be introduced as a backdoor pilot during Arrow’s final season.
- An anthology series based on Billy Joel’s songs is being developed at Paramount Network.
- Showtime is reviving Vice after HBO canceled the series.
- Holidays with the Houghs is coming to NBC.
- The Spook Who Sat By The Door from Lee Daniels is moving forward at FX.
- The Sauce, a dance competition, has been greenlit at Quibi.
- Trip, a Fire Island comedy, is being developed at Quibi.
- Running with Sherman: The Donkey with the Heart of a Hero is being developed into a series at Netflix.
- Nick Cannon will host his own syndicated daytime talk show.
- Snapchat has announced 7 new series: Tekashi69 VS The World, Nikita Unfiltered, Everything’s Fine, Players, Save Me, The Honeybeez, Driven, and Mind Yourself.
- Will Smith will star in the Netflix film The Council.
- Kai Bradbury is joining the cast of Motherland: Fort Salem on Freeform.
- Ebboney Wilson is joining the cast of Legacies. Riley Voelkel will guest star.
- Heidi Gardner and Chris Redd have been promoted to full cast members on SNL.
- Michael Rosenbaum will not be returning as Lex Luther for The CW crossover event.
Mark Your Calendars
- Arrow will return on The CW on October 15.
- Wounds will debut on Hulu on October 18. It looks … intense.
- Tell Me a Story will return on CBS All Access on December 5.
- River of No Return will debut on Discovery on December 6.
- Mysteries of the Abandoned will debut on Science Channel on October 3.
- Uncovered: Killed by Hate will premiere on Oxygen on October 20.
Robert Hunter, Songwriter who co-wrote Grateful Dead songs with Jerry Garcia
Chicago Med: Will and Natalie fight for their lives. Season premiere. 7 p.m., NBC
The Masked Singer: Season premiere. 7 p.m., Fox
The Goldbergs: They pay homage to National Lampoon’s Vacation. Season premiere. 7 p.m., ABC
Survivor: Season premiere. 7 p.m., CBS
Schooled: Lainey is warned to not be her students’ friend. Season premiere. 7:30 p.m., ABC
Chicago Fire: The mattress factory fire spirals out of control. Season premiere. 8 p.m., NBC
Modern Family: Hailey clashes with her parents on child-rearing techniques. Season premiere. 8 p.m., ABC
Single Parents: Douglass ghosts Poppy on their first date. Season premiere. 8:30 p.m., ABC
Chicago P.D.: Voight falls under suspicion for Kelton’s murder. Season premiere. 9 p.m., NBC
Stumptown: Dex is a sharp-tongued vet and private investigator with a complicated personal life in this new series. Series premiere. 9 p.m., ABC
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac concocts a scheme to bring single women to Dennis’ AirBNB which just seems like a very terrible idea. Season premiere. 9 p.m., FXX
Cake: This is a “weekly showcase of live action and animated short-form comedy.” Series premiere. 9:30 p.m., FXX
South Park: Season premiere. 9 p.m., Comedy Central
Abstract: The Art of Design: Season 2 premiere. Netflix
Crank Yankers: The prank phone call series is back — which begs the question, how do you prank call people in the day of caller ID? Season premiere. 9:30 p.m., Comedy Central
Suits: The partners go all in to save the firm. Series finale. 8 p.m., USA
Big Brother: Season finale. 8:30 p.m., CBS
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Robert De Niro, Jameela Jamil, Bastille
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Anna Kendrick, Kal Penn, Edi Patterson
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Renee Zellweger, Walton Goggins
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Ashley Tisdale, Taran Killam, Cherry Glazerr
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Cobie Smulders, James Blake
- The Daily Show: Nick Cannon
- Conan: Gary Gulman
- Lights Out with David Spade: Greg Fitzsimmons, Annie Lederman, Bill Engvall
- Watch What Happens Live: Andi Dorfman, Stephanie Hollman
- A Little Late with Lily Singh: Anna Faris
|CW||Penn & Teller: Fool Us
|FOX||The Masked Singer