Bachelor in Paradise
September 2, 2019
LISTEN. I SWORE THAT I WOULD FINISH THIS GODDAMNED SEASON OF THIS GODDAMNED SHOW AND GOD AS MY WITNESS, I AM GOING TO DO IT. It might take me another two months to get there BUT GODDAMMIT, I WILL.
I KNOW THIS IS INSANELY LATE. NO ONE IS MAKING YOU READ THIS.
The last episode ended just as Play-Doh and Miami Mami were reassuring themselves that they had survived Hurricane Ex-Girlfriend and that it was going to be smooth sailing from here on out, only to have said ex-girlfriend come storming into Paradise with a date card in hand.
As Batman invites men to go chat with her so she can choose someone to take on her date, Play-Doh pouts that it’s NOT FAIR that she’s here. HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO DATE SOMEONE ELSE WITH HER HANGING AROUND? But Batman’s position is what is good for the gander is definitely also good for the batgoose. If it’s fine for him to be in Paradise so soon after their breakup, why wouldn’t it be fine for her, too? And that’s why she asks Mike Johnson to join her on her date, and he accepts.
Meanwhile, Miami Mami makes some comments about how Batman is “too skinny” and how she needs some “Cuban meat on her bones” until Play-Doh tells her to cut it out. Miami Mami is NOT going to cut it out, and to that end takes Batman aside to lay down the law: “LET’S BE CLEAR: I’M PLAY-DOH’S GIRLFRIEND NOW, SO STAY AWAY.” And Batman is like, “Got it. I promise I’m not here to ruin things between you guys, let’s just stay out of each other’s way. Cool? Cool.”
Elsewhere, Piggyback Ride decides that she needs to interject herself into this mess because there’s LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE TO DO ON THIS BEACH, so she confronts Play-Doh about the fact that he didn’t introduce Miami Mami as his girlfriend at Krystal With a K and Mr. Entitled’s wedding.
But instead of being all, “Uh, MIND YO OWN BIDNESS,” Play-Doh is just:
So Mike Johnson and Batman go on their date where he asks her direct questions about her past with Play-Doh, and she’s very forthcoming: she was in love with him, they were together for 8 months, she’s no longer in love with him but she’ll always care about him. As for why she’s in Paradise, fuck the double standard that says it’s fine for him to be there dating whomever he wants but she has to sit at home and mourn their relationship.
Mike Johnson approves of this answer and reveals to her that he’s talked to Play-Doh about their relationship a lot. In fact, one of the things that stood out to Mike Johnson is that Play-Doh said the break up was easier on him because he never told Batman that loved her.
Batman is like, “OH REALLY. OH, HE REALLY SAID THAT. OK. OK. OK.”
They then get into a rowboat? which is in the swimming pool? and they stand up in it? and kiss.
The next morning we turn our attention to John Paul Jones, Twin #1, Piggyback Ride and Charlie Brown’s Teacher. Seems Piggyback Ride was NOT AMUSED by Charlie Brown’s Teacher and John Paul Jones fighting over her at the wedding and is struggling to decide to whom to give her rose. Even though John Paul Jones is the one who became hyper-aggressive and started the whole mess. BUT WHATEVER.
Meanwhile, Twin #1 having just burbled in an interview about how much she likes John Paul Jones because he’s “funny and playful and smart …”
… learns from Charlie Brown’s Teacher that John Paul Jones is “super into Piggyback Ride.” Twin #1 is all, “HUH. INTERESTING. I DID NOT KNOW THAT.” Charlie Brown’s Teacher is like, “Oh shit … I shouldn’t have told you that,” and Twin #1, she’s like, “That’s right: JOHN PAUL JONES SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT.”
So Twin #1 takes John Paul Jones aside and tells him what Charlie Brown’s Teacher told her about his feelings about Piggyback Ride and Twin #1 is basically, “THE FUCK?” John Paul Jones is like, “yeah so, our date was great … ” Twin #1 is all, “Yep. I remember you talking about how we’d made an instant connection SO WHAT THE FUCK?”
John Paul Jones begins tap dancing about how he had made an earlier connection with Piggyback Ride and really his feelings come out of a sense of loyalty towards her, she understands loyalty, right? Twin #1 points out that it is REALLY SHITTY that she had to hear this from Charlie Brown’s Teacher and not him, and John Paul Jones is like, “Yeah, Charlie Brown’s Teacher IS really shitty.” Because that is definitely the takeaway here.
Later at the bar, Twin #1 has had a little time to stew on all of this, and has decided that John Paul Jones is actually an asshole, she shouldn’t be treated as a “plan B” or as a pawn and she proceeds to tell him as much while in the background Red Flag is all, “HELL YES, YELL AT HIM SOME MORE.”
Twin #1 then cries and cries and cries to Cowboy, wondering why men think it’s fun to manipulate women and torment them. YES, COWBOY, I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO HEAR YOUR RESPONSE TO THIS.
Twin #1 then goes to Piggyback Ride to tell her about how John Paul Jones led her on, and after, Piggyback sighs in an interview that JPJ is just very young and doesn’t know how to act.
Meanwhile, Charlie Brown’s Teacher, for dumb reasons, decides that he needs to talk to John Paul Jones, even though talking to John Paul Jones is going to resolve absolutely nothing because John Paul Jones brain is a deflated balloon. The argument unfolds exactly as you would expect: JPJ keeps yelling that Charlie Brown’s Teacher is not the right guy for Piggyback Ride; and Charlie Brown’s Teacher, he points out that THAT’S NOT JPJ’S CHOICE.
These two, they begin yelling at each other, and Piggyback Ride decides that she hates them both. And I get that — I hate everyone on this show — but at the same time, there’s an obvious villain here, and it’s that floppy-haired goofball, John Paul Jones, and not the guy who is arguing that Piggyback Ride should be allowed to make her own choices.
Piggyback Ride, however, is torn between both men, insisting that they are both “educated great people …”
and “gentlemen …”
and that it is shocking to see them behave this way. Is it though? Is it really?
The next morning, there’s another new arrival: Matt Donald, or “Old Matt Donald,” our farmer friend who didn’t get past the first night on Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette, after having arrived on a tractor like some sort of ridiculous hayseed. And Old Matt Donald, he seems like a legitimately nice guy, but maybe not cut out for all ~gestures at everything~ this.
When Old Matt Donald opens his date card, he reveals that it is half of a puzzle piece and makes no sense by itself. Which is when the next new arrival comes into Paradise: Luke S. from Hannah’s season whom I called “Nick Viall, Jr.” because:
Piggyback Ride, wanting to get the FUCK away from both John Paul Jones and Charlie Brown’s Teacher, hopes that Old Matt Donald asks her on his date, but, instead, he asks Another NBA Dancer, and Nick Viall Jr. asks Olya Povlatsky.
The foursome goes into Puerto Vallarta where they shop for tacky cowboy hats for Stagecoach 2020 before drinking spicy margaritas and then taking part in a pepper-eating contest, which very nearly kills Old Matt Donald. White people, they are so fragile. So delicate.
Later, Another NBA Dancer and Old Matt Donald are alone (with the entire camera crew) and Another NBA Dancer hints STRONGLY that she wants him to make a move. But poor Old Matt Donald, who, as I noted, is way over his head in all of this, he wrings his hands about what his mother would think if she saw him kiss a woman on the first date.
He is 26.
Back at Paradise, Cowboy is still pouting around Paradise about how he’s not made a connection.
Elsewhere, John Paul Jones, realizing that he might have made a bad situation with Piggyback Ride worse, takes her aside to apologize for, you know, whatever, and for not handling the Twin #1 situation better and also for, like, stuff. JPJ begins fake crying about how he came here to find someone to love and he just takes this entire thing SO SERIOUSLY. He can’t handle not being around her and really believes in his heart that they have something special.
After, Piggyback Ride takes Charlie Brown’s Teacher aside for a talk where she explains that she’s been having a rough day and it’s really given her a chance to figure out where her heart is. Though they had a great foundation based on friendship and similar life experiences and they are closer to the same age and have stuff to talk about and he doesn’t have anger issues or laugh weirdly and inappropriately and he doesn’t have ideas about how she should conduct her life, despite all that, she just doesn’t think she can get there with him. He’s such a great guy, she insists, he’s just not her guy.
And so with that, Charlie Brown’s Teacher, exhausted with being called a “great guy” but never being the one that anyone chooses, is like, “YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT IS ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT.” He calls everyone upstairs where he thanks everyone for their friendship, but fuck this place, he’s out.
And then Piggyback Ride cries and cries and cries and cries BUT I GUESS YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU WERE REJECTING YOUR ACTUAL PEER AND EQUAL AND THE GUY WHO WASN’T TRYING TO CONTROL OR MANIPULATE YOU EARLIER, YA DUMMY.
I swear, these idiots.
The rejects still in Paradise:
The rejects who have been further rejected:
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.