Oh, I am going to yell about Charlie Fucking Rose, but first I’m going to yell about Donald Fucking Trump

I was going to lead with this ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS BULLSHIT story about Charlie Rose, but thanks to President MEMEMEMEME PAY ATTENTION TO ME’s completely unhinged bathsit insane Fox & Friends interview this morning, it’s going to have to wait for a second.

You can’t say the Narcissist-in-Chief didn’t warn us:

And sure enough, he called in to his favorite sycophants this morning and yammered and yelled for 30 straight minutes about everything from Dr. Ronny to Shania Twain to Kanye West to CNN to North Korea to Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd to the Civil War to THE FUCKING ELECTORAL COLLEGE to, more dangerously, Russia and James Comey and Mueller and Michael Cohen and the Justice Department.

Let’s start here: Trump claimed he was calling in because it is Melania’s 48th birthday. Ooh! What’d you get her, Husband of the Year?

Happy birthday, honey! In addition to the “beautiful card” and some flowers, I got you a rambling and possibly legally-damning interview in which I admit that I hired a lawyer to pay off a porn star with whom I had an affair shortly after you gave birth to our child! (But we’ll get to that.)

After spending some time defending Dr. Candy Man, President Traitor then tried to claim that no one has been harder on Putin than he has, before accusing James Comey of lying in his memos. According to the memos, President Liar told Comey that he didn’t spend the night in Moscow, but this was blown up immediately thanks to flight logs and social media posts and his bodyguard’s testimony to Congress. So now he is saying that Comey is the one who is lying in the memo:

“Those memos were about me and they’re phony memos, Trump said on Fox & Friends. “He didn’t write those memos accurately, he put a lot of phony stuff — for instance, I went to Russia for a day or so, a day or two, because I own the Miss Universe pageant. So, I went there to watch it because it was near Moscow. So I go to Russia. Now, everybody knows — the logs are there, the planes are there — he said, I didn’t stay there a night. Of course I stayed there. I stayed there a very short period of time, but of course I stayed. Well his memo said I left immediately — I never said that. I never said I left immediately.”

OK.

He then started shrieking about how James Comey needs to be prosecuted by the Justice Department only to have Steve Doocey remind him that it’s his Justice Department. “WITCH HUNT!” screamed President Guilty. He then explained that he has decided to stay uninvolved with the Justice Department, before adding that he might change his mind in the future.  👀

Then the issue of his personal attorney Michael Cohen taking the fifth comes up.

Ahem.

Anyway, so Michael Cohen is brought up and President Can’t Keep it in his Pants says that Cohen has all sorts of businesses that have nothing to do with him, he has many attorneys, Michael Cohen only represents him for a tiny portion of all his legal matters, before dropping the bomb: “he represents me like on this crazy Stormy Daniels deal..”

Why is this important? Oh, a few reasons. For starters, The White House and Trump have repeatedly denied that he had an affair with Stephanie Cliffords, and that he has nothing to do with this David Dennison non-disclosure agreement, and that Cohen paid Cliffords $130,000 for mysterious reasons that he knows nothing about. Well, he just admitted all of that is a lie, which opens wider the possibility that the payoff was campaign-related — which is illegal.

But also, too, by saying that Cohen did “a tiny, tiny little fraction” of his legal work, it suggests that there are not as many privileged documents in Cohen’s possession, a fact that the SDNY prosecutor’s office has already latched onto:

Hey, you think Michael Cohen is worried about this?

Say, what did Stormy’s lawyer think?

He also talked Kanye and Shania, how the Republicans were on the right side of the Civil War, Diamond and Silk, his popularity:

He falsely claimed that Clinton received 223 electoral college votes (she received 232) before declaring that he could have won the popular vote, if he had only wanted to. Which he didn’t. Obviously. And anyway, the Electoral College favors Democrats, like everyone knows. (No one knows this, because it’s not true.)

In discussing North Korea, he went after Chuck Todd again, calling him “Sleepy Eyes” before bitching about NBC being SO MEAN TO HIM ALL OF THE TIME:

“I don’t watch NBC  any more. They’re as bad as CNN! And, by the way, I made them a fortune with The Apprentice,” the President of the United States complained of his coverage on NBC. “You would think these guys would treat me great!”

Yeah, that’s not how real journalists and news works, you fucking moron.

Trump insisted he does not watch any of the news networks he’s branded “Fake,” saying that doing so keeps him “on the ball” and keeps his “sanity.”

He followed this up by praising Anderson Cooper on last night’s CNN Town Hall with James Comey. YOU COULD NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

He then ended the interview literally screaming about the Muller investigation and how conflicted it is and “our Justice Department which I try to stay away from, but at some point I won’t …” which prompts the hosts to cut him off because OH MY GOD STOP COMMITTING OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE ON TV YOU FUCKING BAFFOON:

What I’m saying is that it was really something. And it will absolutely haunt him.

Moving on to Charlie Goddamned Rose, according to a Page Six story, this fucker right here thinks that it’s about time he returns to TV, which, NO, IT IS NOT. But wait, because it gets even better: on this show that better never fucking happen, he would interview other sexual predators like Matt Lauer and Louis C.K. who had been exposed by the #MeToo movement. WELL FUCK THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT RIGHT FUCKING HERE.

First of all, motherfuckers, it has not been a hot fucking second that you all have been revealed to be monsters. This started in October. IT’S BEEN SIX MONTHS. You all have a lot more time out to sit in and think about what you have done and how you are going to BE BETTER. It is not your time to fucking talk, it is your time to FUCKING LISTEN. This moment is not over just because you’re bored and want to put yourselves back in the spotlight. We need to give victims — all victims — more breathing room and time and opportunties to come forward and tell their stories before you start sucking all of the air out of this movement by mansplaining your redemption arcs. Get back in the corner and stay there until otherwise notified.

Second of all, WHO THE FUCK IS PLANNING ON AIRING THIS BECAUSE I HAVE A BOYCOTT TO ORGANIZE. According to Tina Brown, this was pitched to her as a Netflix series, but the streaming service is saying they know nothing about this project. AND IT BETTER FUCKING STAY THAT WAY, NETFLIX.

Ugh. I am so done with 2018. Can we just fast-forward to 2020, please?

Some other #MEFUCKINGTOO news before I move on:

Russell Simmons’ sexual assault case has been dismissed, and it’s not clear if a settlement agreement was involved. Ahem.

Disney might be about to fire John Lasseter.

Bill Cosby’s lawyer fell asleep in court, because representing a rapey monster is exhausting. They better not declare a mistrial for this nonsense.

Some actual TV news:

One of yesterday’s big stories was that the Sacramento police had arrested a man they believe is the Golden State Killer, the serial murderer and rapist who was the subject of I’ll Be Gone in the Dark, the book Michelle McNamara was writing when she unexpectedly passed away, leaving behind husband Patton Oswalt and their 6-year-old daughter. Though the news broke overnight, I held off on mentioning it here yesterday in part because it wasn’t strictly a TV story, and in part because the press conference was late in the day and I wanted to see if the authorities would mention the book. They did, but only when they were asked about it, and then they claimed it had nothing to do with the break in the case or the arrest. OK. I mean, her book (and not to be insensitive, but also her death) brought an unprecedented amount of attention to a 40-year-old cold case and she coined the name “Golden State Killer,” but sure, let’s not give her any credit. Oswalt took it in stride:

ANYWAY, as it would so happen, Patton Oswalt completely coincidentally was booked to appear on Late Night with Seth Meyers last night. Here’s his segment in which he discusses the big news. What a bittersweet moment for him:

Y’all really really like Stranger Things. I know it’s comparing apples to oranges, but I wish I could see how Netflix’s numbers compare to broadcast and cable series.

The Bachelorette is on hometowns and we know one of the lucky guys. Don’t click or hover over that link if you want to remain spoiler free. STOP PUTTING SPOILERS IN THE LINK ADDRESSES, GUYS. IT’S JUST NOT THAT FUCKING HARD.

Speaking of spoilers, here are some photos from this week’s Westworld, which tease some interesting developments.

The Hollywood Reporter breaks down some of the best TV performances currently happening, and if y’all aren’t watching Killing Eve, GET ON IT.

GOD DAMMIT, GEORGE. GOD DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT.

Tangentially related to Game of Thrones, archeologists are currently excavating a fifth-century site in Sweden that is so Red Wedding, I can’t even. Seriously, read this story, it’s incredible.

Colin Jost and Michael Che are going to be your Emmys hosts.

It worked so well with Cardi B. that Ariana Grande is going to take over The Tonight Show for an entire episode next week.

TV Guide: asking the important questions about The Walking Dead.

The Golden Globes are tweaking some of the rules regarding limited series, because Big Little Lies.

NBC affiliates are unhappy with Megyn Kelly since ratings have dropped nearly 20% in her hour.

This Joy Reid story is getting weird. The FBI is now going to investigate whether her blog was hacked. In the meantime, Daily Beast has suspended Reid from their site, while Media Matters is standing by her.

Renewals

Cancellations

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

R.I.P.

Soon-Tek Oh, Actor

WATCH THIS

Supernatural: Well, look who’s back, Gabriel. 7 p.m. The CW 7 p.m., The CW

Quantico: “Just when I thought I was out, THEY PULL ME BACK IN.” Season premiere. 9 p.m., ABC

A.P. Bio: I am just including this underappreciated little show which had one of the darkest endings of any sitcom a few weeks ago involving robot babies and a swimming pool. It was amazing. You should watch. 7:30 p.m., NBC

Late Night: Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Kevin Bacon, Alexis Bledel, the Bacon Brothers Late Night with Seth Meyers: Brian Koppelman, David Levien, Sarah Tomek The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Rachel Weisz, Ann Dowd, H. Jon Benjamin Jimmy Kimmel Live: Don Cheadle, Benedict Cumberbatch, Elizabeth Olsen, Winston Duke, Morgan Wallen featuring Florida Georgia Line Conan: Chris Pratt, Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth, Anthony Mackie The Daily Show: A$AP Rocky The Opposition with Jordan Klepper: Adam Pally Watch What Happens Live: Cameran Eubanks, Inbar Lavi

THURS 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Grey’s Anatomy
(new)
Station 19
(new)
Quantico
(new)
CBS The Big Bang Theory
(new)
Young Sheldon
(new)
Mom
(new)
Life in Pieces
(new)
S.W.A.T.
(new)
CW Supernatural
(new)
Arrow
(new)
News/Local
FOX NFL Draft
(live)
NBC Superstore
(new)
A.P. Bio
(new)
Will & Grace
(repeat)
Champions
(new)
Chicago Fire
(new)

 

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