The Real Housewives of New York
“Til Brunch Do Us Part”
April 18, 2018
We begin this episode with the women who are not already in the Hamptons, but who are headed to the Hamptons: Dorinda, Princess Carole and Tinsley via Dorinda’s Range Rover; Sonja via bus. I’M SORRY, “The Hamptons Jitney,” which Sonja insists is the “high-class way to travel.”
Before she heads off on her glorified Greyhound, Sonja explains to us that she has no intentions of going out partying while in the Hamptons, because her daughter doesn’t need to see her on Instagram, dancing on tables. She explains this, while literally pulling a robe down over her exposed ass — the same ass she bared in all its flat glory in Mexico last season. But OK.
Over in Dorinda’s vehicle, Her Highness explains that she will not be staying at Bethenny’s, and instead, she and Tinsley are going to share a hotel room. Princess and the Pea claims that it is because Bethenny has a full house of people staying with her; Bethenny says it’s because Princess Former Bestie “needs her space” and that Her Royal Standoffishness has become tight with Tinsley since Bethenny has been spending all of her time saving Puerto Rico single-handedly.
As for Dorinda, she is staying with Ramona, send her your prayers.
On the drive, the women discuss the fact that Sonja accused Tinsley of being a glorified concubine, and they all agree that Sonja’s “floozy with a big heart routine” is bullshit, that she is actually a Very Mean Lady.
The Countess — who has bought herself a new tiny Mercedes because she is done raising kids and is in the middle of having a ME moment (not that I am judging — after driving an SUV for 14 years, this momma bought a zippy little sportscar that her ridiculously tall children and husband can’t fit into and I DON’T CARE, Y’ALL CAN WALK) — has her own complaint about Sonja: ironically, that she’s a bad houseguest.
After buying a basket of locally made honey or some shit to give to Bethenny as a birthday present (since she’s already given her a hula hoop) …
The Countess finds herself at the grocery store buying beets and wheatgrass and almond milk and a whole list of bullshit that Sonja insisted she stock for her so that she can juice while in the Hamptons. For good measure, The Countess also buys a blender, but only after contemplating picking up a toaster oven. That’s a pretty good zing, Countess.
And because this has become the Real Vehicles of New York City, we are also forced to admire Sonja’s stored Mercedes and Ramona’s Maserati. OK? Great? They have cars?
Ramona arrives at her Hamptons home where she meets some artist and his friend. Apparently, Ramona is going to borrow some of the artists’ works and live with them for a little while so as to decide which piece she wants to buy which is something only a rich person can do. While she has them captive in her house, she makes the artist and his friend move all of her furniture for her because Ramona has never met someone she couldn’t treat like a servant.
Sonja arrives at The Countesses’ house with her dogs, who were not invited (as if that’s going to stop any of these lunatics), barely acknowledges the fact that The Countess bought her a blender …
… calls Tinsley a “spoiled brat” for not being more in contact with her, and then whines that when she sent Princess Runs Too Much a congratulatory email for running the marathon, Her Ingratefulness replied with a “THX.” The Countess says that she received a similarly brief response, but Sonja whines that at least Princess No Manners spelled out the entire word “Thanks” for The Countess, receiving no thanks at all would be better than “THX.” That’s just etiquette science.
Dorinda and the women arrive at Ramona’s where it is revealed that in the process of throwing away and replacing everything that Mario had ever touched in the house, Ramona ordered the wrong size mattress, and somehow has what looks like a full-sized mattress resting on a king-sized frame. It’s shit like this that will finally spark the revolution. One day, the majority of people will see a scene in one of these reality shows where some oblivious one percenter had no idea how mattresses work or complains that the $5,000 gift card one of the other oblivious one percenters gave them wasn’t really a nice gesture at all, and they will realize how dumb everything is and they will burn it all down.
That evening, Bethenny is the first to arrive at the birthday dinner she has arranged for herself — and she herself is late. She harbors some worry that no one is going to show up, because apparently she learned nothing from Mexico when every single woman was late for every single dinner by at least two hours?
But the women do arrive, and everyone immediately comments on Princess Blondes Have More Fun’s new hair color, including Sonja who calls it “gray.” “IT’S ASH,” Her Grayness protests. LOL, OK, “ASH.”
Sonja also tries to make small talk with Tinsley, but Tinsley is all, “AW HELL NAW BITCH.” Except silently.
At the other end of the table, Dorinda explains to The Countess that Sonja has been claiming that Tinsley’s boyfriend has been paying her way. What Dorinda doesn’t know is that The Countess herself is rather miffed with Tinsley for suggesting that she couldn’t just pretend the whole Tom thing didn’t happen, which is why in an interview The Countess sneers that she doesn’t know where Tinsley’s money comes from: her boyfriend or a trust fund, and she just doesn’t ask those kind of questions.
Talk turns to Her Runningness’ marathon, prompting Sonja to begin bitching at her for the “THX.” HOW DARE PRINCESS RUDENESS NOT SPELL OUT THE ENTIRE WORD. Princess Are You Kidding Me with this Shit explains that she was exhausted, and Bethenny, in her defense of Her THXness, adds that she didn’t even call Bethenny back. Princess Defensive first argues that she did call Bethenny back, before claiming that Bethenny was texting her while she was running. So the phones come out, and they’re both right and both wrong? Bethenny was texting her while Princess Nike was running, and Her Textingness did respond to Bethenny’s congratulations.
WHY ARE MOMMY AND MOMMY FIGHTING?
As for her actual birthday present to Bethenny, The Countess admits to Bethenny she was right about Tom.
But then The Countess starts talking about how much she “suffered,” before comparing the whole mess to a “Greek tragedy”…
… and then demanding that everyone now stop talking about it forever and ever, no one is allowed to say the words “Tom” or “wedding” or “sham marriage” or “divorce” ever again. The women disagree, reminding The Countess that she’s the one who brought this into all of their lives for two straight years, so YEAH, MAYBE THEY AREN’T DONE TALKING ABOUT IT, COUNTESS.
Tinsley adds that she was just trying to be helpful when she brought up the fact that The Countess hadn’t opened up the other day. This allows The Countess to turn the conversation to Tinsley’s own failed relationship, and Tinsley’s like, “Actually, we might be back together but I don’t want to talk about that, let’s turn this into a dance party instead!” So everyone dances around the restaurant, the end.
The next morning, Tinsley and Princess No Thanks meet Bethenny for brunch where they discuss the fact that Tinsley’s mother made Tinsley freeze her eggs …
… and the women argue over whether or not to tell Scott. Y’ALL, YOU DO REALIZE YOU ARE BEING FILMED FOR TELEVISION RIGHT NOW, RIGHT? SEE THOSE GUYS WITH THE CAMERAS POINTED AT YOU? THEY ARE RECORDING EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING RIGHT NOW AND THEN THEY ARE GOING TO BROADCAST IT ON TELEVISION AND I THINK SCOTT MIGHT FIND OUT ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. JUST A GUESS.
They also briefly discuss 1. whether or not The Countess was being sincere with Bethenny when she told her she was right (Princess Skeptical is skeptical); 2. Tinsley being pissed at Sonja for saying that Scott has been taking care of her — to which Bethenny replies if the socialite shoe fits, you might be a kept woman; and 3. Bethenny and Her Marathoness clear the air over the exchanged messages, Bethenny insisting she wasn’t trying to start a fight, she was trying to come to Princess Thanks’ defense.
Oh, and Bethenny gets her feelings hurt that Princes Ice Queen seems to be paying more attention to Tinsley than Bethenny but tries to play it off like it doesn’t bother her. It clearly bothers her. WHAT HAPPENED, YOU GUYS? IS IT OUR FAULT MOMMY AND MOMMY ARE GETTING DIVORCED?
However, the FAR more interesting brunch takes place over at The Countess’s house, to which Ramona, Sonja, Dorinda, and some random friend of The Countess are invited. Before Ramona and Dorinda arrive, Sonja descends downstairs in a caftan and a pair of The Countess’ slippers that she helped herself to without asking because, again, Sonja is a terrible houseguest. That said, The Countess should be relieved Sonja isn’t wearing one of her negligees. Meanwhile, on their ride over, Dorinda and Ramona are commenting on how quiet Sonja was the night before, apparently having had their memories Men In Blacked of the whole “THX!!!!” fiasco.
Dorinda and Ramona arrive, and after some pleasantries that also involve Dorinda smearing her lipstick on The Countess’ white sweater, Sonja starts bitching about Tinsley and how ungrateful she was to Sonja. The only thing that interrupts this particular rant is when Sonja begins rambling about how she can eat anything — steak, martinis, Manhattans — and not gain any weight and something something antidepressants she’s not depressed, she just has high anxiety and is high-strung and why shouldn’t she be, after all the divorce and the lawsuit and boarding school and will her daughter get into an Ivy and NO ONE HAS EVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS AS BIG AND IMPORTANT AS SONJA EVER.
Somehow talk changes to some renovation work that Ramona is doing at her house, and Sonja begins
implying openly saying that Ramona was fucking her contractor, Mario, adding that Ramona “loves them hard and leaves them easy.” Ramona protest this is not true, and Dorinda and The Countess add that this is how Sonja gets herself in trouble, going on “monologues of insanity.”
Dorinda then does a completely batshit insane impersonation of Sonja that involves Dorinda screaming about meeting her dead husband in either San Tropez or purgatory for lunch — I … I honestly have no idea what is happening here — but it ends with Ramona demanding that Sonja not make jokes at her expense and that everyone try to be more sensitive to one another.
Sonja sniffs that she IS sensitive and has been through just so very much in her life, and Dorinda calls bullshit. You want to talk about having been through something — Dorinda buried a husband. Sonja rolls her eyes that they’ve heard about THAT a thousand times too, and Dorinda GOES. OFF.
“YOU GOT DIVORCED HOW MANY YEARS AGO? 15? AND WE TALK ABOUT MR. MORGAN LIKE HE WAS JUST OVER AT YOUR HOUSE. YOUR HUSBAND LEFT YOU AND MY HUSBAND DIED. BECAUSE YOU WERE FUCKING AROUND. SO DON’T YOU DARE COMPARE YOUR FUCKING DIVORCE TO ME BURYING MY HUSBAND. BECAUSE YOU WERE FUCKING AROUND IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE. HE MARRIED YOUR FRIEND, HONEY. YOU ASS.”
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!
DID SONJA CHEAT ON MR. MORGAN?
WITH WHOM DID SONJA CHEAT ON MR. MORGAN?
HE MARRIED HER FRIEND?
WHO? WHO IS THE FRIEND BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING ON WIKIPEDIA ABOUT A FIFTH WIFE?
WAIT, MR. MORGAN IS STILL ALIVE? HOW? IS HE THE UNDEAD?
TO BE CONTINUED.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.