Donald Trump doesn’t need double talk, he needs Bob Loblaw.

Light a candle for President Tantrum, you guys, he had a very difficult week, culminating in a Twitter meltdown this weekend.

On Monday, it was revealed that his personal attorney and hush money-distributor, Michael Cohen, was also representing Sean Hannity in … something — which meant that everyone was speculating wildly about Trump’s primary mouthpiece and were reminded again that Trump’s personal attorney had been raided by the FBI. Then James Comey’s book was published, and Comey went on all of the TV shows to talk about the pee pee tape which is definitely real. Then Barbara Bush died and she FUCKING HATED Donald J. Trump and everyone told him he couldn’t go to the funeral because no one wanted him smearing his orange skin paint all over the pews at St. Martin’s Church. Then the GOP thought that they could get Rod Rosenstein in trouble by demanding that he hand over James Comey’s memos, believing that there was no way Rod Rosenstein would hand over the Comey memos and then they could be all, “YOU’RE IMPEACHED, ROD ROSENSTEIN!” but then Rod Rosenstein was like, “Sure, here take them.” And then the GOP, certain that the Comey memos would somehow make Comey look like a big lying liar, ran to the media with the memos, only to discover that the Comey memos confirm Comey’s story and actually makes him look like a big truthy truthteller and also, too, brought the term “Russian hookers” back into the conversation. And then The New York Times ran a story about how Michael Cohen is totally going to flip on Trump. And then Melania went to Houston for Barbara Bush’s funeral and this happened:

But more importantly, THIS happened:

I’m not going to detail all the crazy shit Trump tweeted about this weekend (Comey, the Naval Academy, Nancy Pelosi, tax cuts, OPEC, poll numbers, North Korea, the lawsuit the DNC filed against his campaign and the Russians, a rally, Barbara Bush, Sylvester Stallone, Jack Johnson, pardons, Loretta Lynch, Hillary Clinton, Jeff Sessions, Rod Rosenstein, Mr. Maggo, Mr. Peepers, collusion, Mary Matalin, WITCH HUNT!, and the Palm Beach police), but instead I’ll focus on what interests this particular blog: The President of the United States attacking the free press. Again.

Yesterday, Trump attacked Meet the Press host Chuck Todd. Again:

First of all, North Korea absolutely has not agreed to denuclearization. They’ve agreed to shut down a test site and to not conduct any nuclear tests during talks, but they most definitely have not agreed to denuclearization, you dummy. Second of all, it remains HIGHLY UNSEEMLY for the President of the United States to publicly insult anyone’s looks for any reason. This is just embarrassing for himself and the entire office of the presidency.

The more interesting attack on the press came on Saturday. While the former Presidents and his wife were gathering in Houston to celebrate the life of Barbara Bush, the Hysteric-in-Chief had a complete shitfit over The New York Times‘ article I mentioned earlier, which suggested the Trump-Cohen relationship was heavily one-sided and that Cohen has little reason to be loyal to Trump. Read it if you haven’t already, it’s DELICIOUS.

A few things:

As far as Maggie Haberman being a “third rate [sic]” reporter, she’s won a Pulitzer for her reporting on Trump and Russia.

As far as Trump not speaking to her, he’s granted her two in-person interviews at the White House and several others over the phone. Here they are together in the Oval Office:

As for non-existent sources, she names Roger Stone, Sam Nunberg, Tim O’Brien, Michael D’Antonio and Darrell Scott in the article (one of whom — Nunberg — is the “drunk/drugged up [sic] loser” he refers to in this tweet. Haberman, among others, has suggested President TittyBaby is too afraid to speak of the deplorable Roger Stone in such strong terms, considering what Stone might have on him). So, you know, he’s just lying about the reporting that Haberman did while slandering her in the process.

But here’s where these tweets get interesting: Trump is talking to two different audiences here: first, as noted, he’s trying to cast a cloud over the reporting and farting “FAKE NEWS” all over Haberman’s story so that his base will dismiss it and Cohen if Cohen flips. But he’s also talking to Michael Cohen directly, basically sending a “stay strong, don’t talk” message to him. This is otherwise known as “witness tampering.” Let’s hope Mueller has one file dedicated just to Trump’s obstruction- of-justice-via-tweet somewhere.

The other reason these tweets are particularly interesting is that Trump himself toys with the possibility that Michael Cohen might cooperate with the government and flip on him — insisting that if Cohen does talk, it will be all lies to save himself from jail. This is an interesting theory that another of Trump’s attorneys shared on CNN — without the lying part — that Cohen, to avoid being raped by black men in prison (yes, really), will talk:

However, Trump’s own logic is faulty, as we learned ironically enough from the Comey memos that were released this past week in which it was revealed that the Violator-of-the-Constitution-in-Chief floated to Comey imprisoning reporters to learn their sources. So, if Trump’s theory in these tweets is that Michael Cohen would just lie his way to freedom, why wouldn’t a reporter (or a terrorist for that matter)? If it’s that easy, wouldn’t every reporter just make some shit up to get out of prison?

But, also, too, why would Michael Cohen lie to the FBI when doing so has repeatedly backfired on everyone else that Mueller has tangled up in his investigation? (I mean, let’s not dismiss the notion that Cohen is a dumb dummy out of hand, of course, but at this point, would YOU risk lying to the FBI to protect your own mother? It hasn’t worked out for Rick Gates, George Papadopolous, Paul Manafort, Mike Flynn and God knows who else …

Finally, there’s the little problem that no one, not Trump’s lawyers, not his inner circle, not Trump himself has said that Trump is innocent and that there is no there there. If Trump hasn’t done anything wrong with Michael Cohen, Michael Cohen has nothing to give to investigators and therefore can not flip on Trump and no one should be worried about anything. Everyone, however, is clearly worried about something.

In fact, on This Week with George Stephanopoulos, slimeball defense attorney Alan Dershowitz offered this … defense? of Trump:

DERSHOWITZ: This is so naive. Came across. Mueller is looking for low-hanging fruit. He’s looking for anything…

ROCAH: That’s what’s called investigating.
DERSHOWITZ: … he can find against anybody who is associated with the president so he can flip them…

STEPHANOPOULOS: But if it weren’t there it wouldn’t be a problem.

DERSHOWITZ: Of course. But it’s there — you know, crime — broad federal criminal statutes, campaign contributions, bank records, you can find them against almost every very complex business person or political person. The question is how hard you look. And when you look hard, you have enough for a search warrant, which is fairly minimal. And then the pressure increases.

So, what he is saying here is that the feds shouldn’t look so hard for crimes, because if they do, they’ll find crimes, and HOW IS THAT EVEN FAIR? Well, good news, White House, because there is an attorney out there who is ready to represent you. May I introduce you to Bob Loblaw, whose entire philosophy is: “Why should you go to jail for a crime someone else noticed?”

Good luck with that defense, everyone! Hope everything works out for you and your light treason!*

So, we’re starting to learn about Sean Hannity and those “real estate deals” he didn’t want people to know about. And it turns out, they’re actually real estate deals. Sean Hannity has used shell corporations to buy almost $90 million in real estate, including millions on foreclosed properties. Where things become fishy is that he used HUD loans to purchase some properties, and had HUD Secretary Ben Carson on his show without disclosing any of this information. This is particularly troubling:

Late last month, Hannity’s mortgages were replaced with loans for $22.9m that were rewritten with Carson’s Hud and a new bank. There was no indication that Carson was personally involved in the process. Carson does, however, have the authority to allow Hannity from 2019 to convert the rental complexes into condominiums for sale, which could be lucrative for the television host.

The “well, isn’t that ironic” part of the whole story is that Hannity was snatching up foreclosed properties during the Obama administration, all while raking Obama over the coals for the foreclosure crisis. What a fucking asshole.

So will this be enough to make Fox News change their mind about Sean Hannity? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAH No.

Meanwhile, Stormy Daniel’s lawyer, Michael Avenatti, thinks the Hannity/Cohen links will go deeper.

Laura Ingraham is now being accused of firing an employee after she told Ingraham she was pregnant. Laura Ingraham sounds nice.

Kellyanne Conway has had quite the weekend: first, she had a meltdown on CNN when asked about her husband’s hilarious anti-Trump tweets, claiming that it was a sexist thing to ask, and then she said Melania is a “superior” First Lady to Michelle Obama. Who broke this woman’s brain?

After hosting the 2013 Miss Universe pageant — the one at the center of the pee tape rumors — Thomas Roberts is donating his $25,000 fee to the Human Rights Campaign Foundation.

Shania Twain is sorry for saying she would have voted for Trump, you guys.

This is an interesting legal battle: In an FOIA request, Gizmodo asked the FBI for documents related to Roger Ailes they say the Bureau would have turned up in their investigation into Fox News, and the FBI handed over essentially fuckall and claimed that’s all they had. Gizmodo is all, “WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU,” and has taken the issue to court. Watch this space.

Wait, wait, wait, there were two Smallville actresses involved with this weird New York City sex cult? Allison Mack was arrested this weekend for her involvement in the cult in recruiting women, but apparently Kristin Kreuk had also been a member? What the Hell was going on over on Smallville?

Robert Durst regrets filming The Jinx. ORLY? Y? (Here’s the part where I remind you that he is my former neighbor, and it was my CVS where he peed all over the candy. His lawyer lives around the block from us, and is a lovely gentleman who has already got him off after he ADMITTED to killing his roommate, chopping him into pieces and throwing him into Galveston Bay, true story.)

Jane the Virgin! HOLY CRAP, RIGHT? (Unless, like yours truly, you were spoiled by that TV Guide link, in which case you were probably pretty angry that such an amazing twist had been ruined.) Anyway, here’s the cast at the table read learning about that surprise ending. So, what does it mean? Here are five explanations. And here is all the foreshadowing you might have missed. ¡Dios Mio!

Shonda Rhimes asks you to please not revive Scandal, thanks.

That Scandal actor who died in the finale, he had to film his death scene some 17 times, which seems like a lot.

American Idol is going to broadcast live across the country simultaneously for the first time ever.

Sounds like Clayne Crawford has gone a little too method in his role as Riggs on Lethal Weapon and might be replaced.

Here are some very cool kids doing a very cool thing:

David Tenant could have been Hannibal. Mads Mikkelsen was obviously the right choice, I think we can all agree.

Dan Harmon was not amused by the McDonald’s Szechuan Sauce shenanigans.

There is an argument to be made that Nyle DiMarco is the most successful of all of America’s Next Top Models.

Huh! Did you know a real murder inspired Twin Peaks? I didn’t know a real murder inspired Twin Peaks!

Benedict Cumberbatch is very disappointed in Martin Freeman’s attitude.

Get well soon, Michael J. Fox!

I like intelligent, well-written dramas as much (more) than the average viewer, but I don’t disagree with this argument that the episodes are becoming too damn long. (That said, gimme all the Game of Thrones. There’s no such thing as too much Game of Thrones.)

What’s your state’s most-googled HBO series? You might be surprised. (Personally, I wasn’t surprised by my own, but results may vary.) Speaking of HBO series…

Westworld

There was a LOT that happened on last night’s premiere episode, but unquestionably this tidbit was the most disturbing. What is Delos doing with that info?

How to tell the timelines apart? WATCH BERNARD’S GLASSES. Or lack thereof.

This is a very good summary of the episodes and makes some great observations.

Here are two theories that are officially dead. R.I.P. theories.

Here are five (although really only four) theories that could still technically be true. (I think we can safely write off that first one.)

Overthinking the opening credits.

James Marsden thinks no one at HBO wants to see him have sex. But HBO knows we wanted to see someone’s penis. HELLO, PENIS.

Time’s Up

Thandie Newton is going to receive equal pay for the third season of Westworld — which suggests that there is going to be a third season of Westworld, see below — and she’s not going to work for less pay than her male colleagues ever again because as she succinctly put it: “Fuck that.” Thandie Newton also recently revealed that the Time’s Up movement didn’t want her because she “wasn’t hot enough.” Methinks someone has their wires crossed here because 1. If she means “hot” as in at a big moment in her career, she’s pretty fucking hot right now, but 2. If she means “hot” as in attractive, COME ON.

Matt Smith has spoken out about The Crown pay disparity situation if you were interested.

Anthony Bourdain, like all the rest of us, just wants Alec Baldwin to shut up.

While this story could have just as easily fit in the more general news area, I’m going to put it in the “Time’s Up” section because treating your daughter like she’s your property and her chastity is worth defending to the death is just as offensive as threatening a teenager with gun violence although it is less offensive than keeping this old, tired joke around.

R. Kelly’s lawyer, publicist, and assistant have all abandoned him, and it only took them this long to do so!

The guy who asked Michelle Pfeiffer about her weight during Scarface is claiming he is a victim of political correctness. OK, dude.

A Teen Vogue reporter went to Coachella, and in the span of 10 hours, she was groped 22 times. THIS IS NOT OK, MEN.

Renewals

Cancellations

  • Ash vs. Evil Dead has been canceled by Starz.
  • Ghost Wars has been canceled by Syfy.
  • Wait, has 9JKL been canceled by CBS, or did The Hollywood Reporter jump the gun? After researching this for a while, it looks like THR jumped the gun.

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendar

  • Sharp Objects will debut on HBO in July.

R.I.P.

Verne Troyer, Actor

Sue Reiner, TV Executive, and Producer

WATCH THIS

The Late Late Show Carpool Karaoke Primetime Special 2018: James Corden brings his late-night singing in the car thing to primetime. 9 p.m., CBS

UnReal: Two-hour season finale in which Rachel questions her future at Everlasting — which has also been the plot of the previous two season finales but I don’t care because I love this show. 8 p.m., Lifetime

Intent to Destroy: A documentary that examines the Armenian genocide. 8 p.m., Starz

Late Night: Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Sting & Shaggy Late Night with Seth Meyers: Chris Evans, Joy Reid, Lily Allen, Sarah Tomek The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Jeffrey Wright, Ali Wentworth, Brothers Osborne The Late Late Show with James Corden: Evan Rachel Wood, Pentatonix Jimmy Kimmel Live: Robert Downey Jr., Tom Holland, Zoe Saldana, Paul Bettany, Pom Klementieff, A Perfect Circle Conan: Dana Carvey, Nicolle Wallace The Daily Show: Tracy Morgan The Opposition with Jordan Klepper : Ross Douthat Watch What Happens Live: Tom Sandoval, Christina Hendricks

 

MON. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC American Idol
(new)
The Crossing
(new)
CBS Kevin Can Wait
(new)
Man with a Plan
(new)
Superior Donuts
(new)
The Big Bang Theory
(repeat)
The Late Late Show Carpool Karaoke Primetime Special
(new)
CW Supergirl
(new)
iZombie
(new)
Local
FOX Lucifer
(new)
The Resident
(new)
News/Local
NBC The Voice
(new)
Good Girls
(new)

*No, I don’t.

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2 thoughts on “Donald Trump doesn’t need double talk, he needs Bob Loblaw.

  1. So thanks to a reward from AT&T for our mobile service, I have access to HBO shows via DirecTVNow, and have watched nine of the ten first season episodes of Westworld. I’m really hoping I can get through the tenth, and maybe start watching season two, before I get all spoiled. Fingers crossed.

    Liked by 1 person

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