February 8, 2018
No, no he did not. Because despite being stabbed in the heart, Lucifer somehow survived? And still had enough juice to wing himself from Hell’s Winter White House in Massachusetts to a small town in Missouri? Where he steals the grace of, and then rips the heart from, a perfectly lovely cupid? Who wears a nice suit and a cunning peach overcoat and is not a naked, huggie, man-baby?
What even is this episode, y’all?
Castiel meanwhile wasn’t just nicked by Lucifer, but was slashed badly enough that he had to go wander off into the woods to die and be poked with sticks by adolescent boys.
And then he somehow gets himself from Massachusetts back to the Bunker in Kansas where he explains that he’s been a prisoner for weeks, all the times the boys thought they were talking to him they were really talking to Assman, Apocalypse Kevin used the Apocalypse angel tablet to open a portal through which Lucifer escaped, and Apocalypse Michael is planning to use the same spell to invade and conquer Earth Prime.
Sam and Dean are like …
They decide to call in their own prophet, Donatello. They don’t have the angel tablet – it was destroyed by Castiel in “Do You Believe in Miracles” – so instead they want him to translate the demon tablet … because they think it will have the same spell? Because one Word of God is as good as another?
Assman is vexed to discover that Lucifer and Castiel have escaped and bitches to Ketch about it and even if I did care it wouldn’t matter because ALL I CAN FOCUS ON IS HOW UGLY KENTUCKY FRIED’S OLD SCHOOL NURSE SHOES ARE.
Lucifer trudges along a busy sidewalk and shivers from the cold. Because despite the shot of cupid grace he’s kind of human now? He feels hunger and tries panhandling but is really bad at it? And then he learns about a faith healer called Sister Jo who’s the real deal. She’ll fix you right up, all for the bare minimum donation of $300.
“For the fallen.”
It took me three watches to get the joke, but now that I do, that’s kind of clever.
Sister Jo performs her miracles in a community hall that – based on the backdrop – appears to be staging a production of “Supernatural: The Musical.” Way to go, Marie! Lucifer only has to watch Sister Jo’s performance for a few minutes to realize she’s an angel and his next meal ticket.
He confronts Sister Jo – or, Anael – and she could not be less bothered. She’s not the quaking kind. She’s an angel who plays the long game. After the fall, she took some care in choosing a vessel. She made a trade with a woman who was willing to surrender herself in exchange for her dying husband’s life.
Anael explains that humans are so desperate for life that they would do almost anything. Pay almost anything. And the good life ain’t cheap, so. Anael says she was a so-so angel, but it turns out she’s an excellent businesswoman.
Lucifer is like cool, cool hold still I’m going to eat you now. Anael clucks at Lucifer’s short-sighted strategy, suggesting he switch to a renewable form of energy instead. From her perspective, letting him take sips of grace with time to recharge in between is better than having him suck her dry and kill her. Synergy!
Castiel is overcome by a burst of chatter from angel radio about the dead Cupid. And have he and the other angels always called it that? It was one thing when Dean coined the term to describe what Anna Milton was experiencing lo these many seasons ago, but somehow having the angels themselves use it just feels weird.
Anyhoo, they follow Lucifer’s trail to the community hall where they find Ketch. Fwah fwah Ketch fwah. Cas is like BORED NOW and initiates the two-fingered sleepy time sequence. Dean proposes they haul him back to the Bunker, beat as much information out of him as they can, shoot him, burn his bones, flush his ashes, and then go get ice cream. Cas is in full agreement.
Anael and Lucifer are tucked up in a motel because she was smart enough to realize that someone was going to come looking for him. He takes her grace in a scene that is dripping with dubious consent (because BuckLeming), and was described best by @RosieTRiveter as, “like seeing your least favorite teacher from high school make out with your bestie.”
Afterwards, Anael muses on the moment when she’s lost just enough grace that she’s almost human and can feel the emotions that angels can only imagine. She says sometimes she envies humans. They can be anything.
She tells Lucifer about her former job in Heaven. She pushed a button.
A soul would come in. She would push a button. Endlessly for all eternity.
She says she had ideas. She knew how to fix Heaven, but no one – not Michael, Rafael, or Naomi – would listen to her. They would just send her back to her button. But after the fall, after the angels lost their wings, Anael says she felt liberated. She was finally free. She chuckles and says Lucifer must know how that feels.
Lucifer is like, yeah no, blah blah Daddy Issues blah. You can see the wheels in Anael’s mind turning. She waits and she listens and she finds out what someone really wants. And then she exploits it for her own gain.
I like Anael. She’s smart and resourceful, adaptable and tricksy. She can stay!
Donatello makes a brain food run. He’s intercepted outside of Mr. Cluck’s by Assman disguised as Castiel.
Because once again, BuckLeming can only get a story from point to point by making their characters only slightly smarter than brain damaged kittens.
Assman orders Donatello to report back to him anything he gleans from the tablet and to forget they ever spoke. And then he takes one of the Prophet’s chicken wings because he’s Evil Colonel Sanders, geddit?
Lucifer is in the motel room thumbing through a Gideon’s bible and complaining about errors. “Does anybody fact check this stuff?” I often find myself asking that about scripts.
The boys lure Anael out of the room with a call about her credit card. When confronted she plays the role of the frightened hostage and asks for their help. She gets them into the room and bleats at Lucifer that they made her help them. They forced her to reveal how weak he still is .. and then she mojos Sam into the wall. Lucifer, in turn, sends Dean and Cas flying.
Anael says they need to go but Lucifer wants to take a moment and enjoy squeezing the life out of Team Free Will. His fun is interrupted by Ketch who lobs a demon bomb into the room. Lucifer grabs Anael and wings them to safety before it detonates. Ketch is like, you’re welcome. Again. Some more. And as for how he got out of the trunk …
That’s a good line well delivered and oh, crap. Am I starting to warm up to him? GODDAMMIT BUCKLEMING. DOES YOUR SUCK KNOW NO LIMITS?
Ketch tries again to convince the boys to pool resources and work together. As a show of good faith, he admits he’s working for Rock Me Asmodeus. He offers it as an opportunity to pass on information. Ketch says even he has to draw the line somewhere, and apparently, Lucifer is his line. Not to mention the whole Michael situation.
“I’m the lesser of at least three evils.”
At Anael’s suggestion, the two angels present themselves at Heaven’s playground portal. Lucifer makes the case to Allie from The 100 that they need him. He claims that he can make more angels. He says he was there when Chuck created them. All of them. He knows how it’s done. Also, he can give them back their wings.
All they have to do is name him the undisputed and unquestioned ruler of Heaven.
Which is how Lucifer ends up in Chuck’s Starfleet commander’s chair with Anael by his side. She’s all, who’s pushing buttons now, bitches? I’m calling it – she’s running the joint by the end of the season. I for one welcome our new shady angel overlord.
Ketch reports into Assman, who seems strangely blasé that Lucifer is still living. He says Lucifer needs to die before he causes any more trouble, or the Winchesters use him to open the door to MichaelLand. I guess he’s willing to give up on Jack if it means keeping the archangel in his own reality.
Ketch tries to moderate expectations. He warns that Lucifer is getting stronger, and as good as he is – he’s Ketch – not even he can beat the devil at full power. Again, Assman ain’t even bovvered. He went out on a milk run and came home with a rare artifact long thought to be lost.
Behold! The archangel blade!
So, just imagine BuckLeming sitting together working on this script and writing this scene and thinking, hmm a weapon that can kill an archangel. What should we call an edged weapon that can kill an archangel … and deciding fuck it, let’s just call it the archangel blade and being like,
Ketch is like, cool name, but isn’t the archangel blade only effective if wielded by, you know, an archangel? Oh, an archangel you say? Allow Assman to make the introductions. “Mr. Ketch, meet the archangel, Gabriel.”