In which I learn that “Bachelor Winter Games” is going to ruin my entire February

The TCA’s are still happening, and yesterday was ABC’s big day. We will get to all of the “news” they broke, but first, a long whiny complaint.

The Olympics will begin next month on NBC and ruin my life for over the period of more than two weeks, and I had all but officially decided that I was not going to blog ABC’s counter-programming, some sort of winter version of Bachelor Pad. WHO NEEDS IT. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR IT. I am already going to be blogging The Bachelor, trying to keep up with Real Housewives of Wherever and blogging 8,000 hours of people ice skating, bobsledding and that thing where they stomp around in snowshoes and shoot snow bunnies or whatever all the while terrified that it could end at any moment in a nuclear blast SO I AM GOING TO BE A LITTLE BUSY NEXT MONTH.

But then, yesterday, ABC announced the cast and GOD DAMMIT, Foolish’s friend and former Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise contestant, Michael Garofola, is going to be on this dumb thing.

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Michael, 37, “The Bachelorette” Season 9 (Desiree Hartsock Siegfried) – USA

THIS GUY. WILFORD BRIMLEY HERE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR RUING MY FEBRUARY. I MEAN, IT’S ONLY GOING TO BE FIVE EPISODES BUT STILL. GUH. DAMMIT, MICHAEL. I KNOW IT WAS A FREE TRIP TO VERMONT TO GO HANG OUT WITH SOME HOT SWEDES, BUT I DO NOT APPRECIATE THIS, BUDDY.

Here’s the rest of the cast. There are a bunch of “international” Bachelor contestants, and by “international” I mean “a bunch of Australians,” and the concept here is a sort of Bachelor Olympics, in which contestants participate in sporting events to win date cards. I guess I can’t wait for some Bachelor ski jump and Bachelor curling.

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In other ABC TCA news:

It sounds like ABC’s version of American Idol is going to be a kinder, gentler one. The showrunner promises they will not be using bad auditions to laugh at contestants, and Katy Perry says she “can’t be mean because [she’s] a woman.” Oh, honey, we need to talk. And in what I can only construe as a shot over The Voice‘s bow, everyone involved says that if they don’t discover a star, they’re wasting their time. THE SHADE.

On the Roseanne front: Barr revealed that Roseanne Conner will be a Trump supporter in this reboot: “I have always attempted to portray a realistic portrait of American working class people, and it was working class people who elected Trump. So it was very real and something that needed to be discussed.” This is actually an interesting statement, and I wonder how much this had to do with ABC’s decision to bring the show back. Related: Barr herself is a Trump supporter, though she says she’d be a better president than Trump, Oprah or Susan Sarandon. Of course, my idiot dog would be a better president than Trump so that’s not exactly a high bar. And as for Dan’s death in the original series finale? He didn’t really die. (Except he totally did?)

Shonda Rhimes insists that no one should freak out about her moving to Netflix because she’s still at ABC. (For now.) In other Shondaland news: The Grey’s Anatomy spinoff still doesn’t have a title because coming up with a title is “hard.” The new series intends to show the gender diversity in the world of firefightingFor the People will depict workplace romances because it wouldn’t be a Shondaland series if it didn’t.

As for why The Mayor and Ten Days in the Valley didn’t work out? The Mayor didn’t “connect” with audiences, maybe because of political fatigue, and no one knew Ten Days even existed. In other news, Inhumans still isn’t canceled. Not yet. And neither is Once Upon a Time. Not yet.

Jimmy Kimmel thinks that another Oscar fuckup would be funny. Also, he’s adding more female writers to the Oscar’s writing room. GOOD.

Alex, Inc. will be a “meta” comedy (but not); and Jenna Fischer promises that Splitting Up Together will be a “warm” divorce comedy. OK.

Critics are worried that ABC is going to cancel the upcoming sci-fi drama The Crossing just as they start to care about it and ABC is like: ~shrug~. They seemed less concerned about Deception, the show about the FBI-helping magician.

In non-TCA news

The Versace family has declared The Assassination of Gianni Versace a pile of trash ahead of the January 17 premiere.

This is a very good piece about the women writers in late night and how they are changing the genre.

A Cheers reboot is very unlikely to happen. Sorry.

Here are some slightly spoilery photos of the King’s Landing set. Emilia Clark doesn’t think you’re ready.

The 2018 Native American TV Writers Lab is looking for submissions.

Eurovision will go to an all-female host lineup for the Song Contest next May.

Black Mirror has some thoughts on that automated Pizza Hut delivery vehicle.

Hey, remember Bam Magera? Get some help, Bam.

Just a little political news

Oprah is definitely not running for president. Unless she is.

During the Golden Globes, NBC tweeted a photo of Oprah with, “Nothing but respect for OUR future president.” They then deleted it, claiming it was a “joke.”

It turns out that that dumbfuck who spent months whining about football players kneeling during the National Anthem doesn’t even know the words to the “Star Spangled Banner.”

Stephen Miller and the White House dispute the claim that CNN had security escort him off the property. OK.

Jim Acosta has been promoted to Chief Fake News White House Correspondent. And well deservedly!

John Dickerson is your new Charlie Rose (hopefully not in an icky way).

African-Americans watched more MSNBC than any other cable network. Not cable news network — cable network.

RT sent CNN a “Foreign Agent Holiday Care Package.” Check it for bugs.

Groper Round-Up

Dylan Farrow has some questions for this whole #TimesUp movement. Namely why it doesn’t apply to Woody Allen.

And Rose McGowan thinks your whole “wearing all black to the Golden Globes” thing was bullshit.

Catt Sadler is grateful to the actress who stood up for her on the red carpet.

Bella Thorne opened up on Instagram about being abused when she was younger.

Tavis Smiley is returning to television on the religious The Word network.

Roman Polanski will not be charged in the 1975 case involving a 10-year-old.

The former EP of The Cosby Show thinks that the show’s legacy should be separate from Cosby himself. OK, but HE PLAYED A GYNECOLOGIST WHO SAW HIS PATIENTS IN HIS BASEMENT. SO.

Renewals

In Development

Casting News

Ratings

Mark Your Calendars

R.I.P.

Donnelly Rhodes, Actor

WATCH THIS

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Kyle hosts a dinner party and the power is cut. LOL. 8 p.m., Bravo

America’s Next Top Model: Tyra is back to oversee this foolishness. Season premiere. 7 p.m., VH1

This is Us: The Pearsons go on summer vacation and I’m sure it’s perfectly fun and no one cries. 8 p.m., NBC

Major Crimes: Series finale. 8 p.m., TNT

Undercover High: In this new series, adults live my worst nightmare: they return to high school. Series premiere. 9 p.m., A&E

Late Night: Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Hugh Grant, Desus & Mero, A$AP Ferg, PJ Morton Late Night with Seth Meyers: Jordan Peele, Patrick Wilson, Lewis Black, Allison Miller The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: James Franco, Lena Waithe, Anderson East The Late Late Show with James Corden: Gillian Anderson, Sally Hawkins, Daya Jimmy Kimmel Live: Gary Oldman, Phil Rosenthal, Huncho Jack The Daily Show: Jason Mitchell The Opposition with Jordan Klepper: Brian Stelter Watch What Happens Live: Lisa Vanderpump

 

TUES. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Middle
(new)
Fresh Off the Boat
(new)
black-ish
(new)
The Mayor
(new)
Kevin (Probably) Saves the World
(new)
CBS NCIS
(new)
Bull
(new)
NCIS: New Orleans
(new)
CW The Flash
(repeat)
DC’s Legends of Tomorrow
(repeat)
Local
FOX Lethal Weapon
(new)
L.A. to Vegas
(new)
The Mick
(new)
News/Local
NBC Ellen’s Game of Games
(new)
This is Us
(new)
Chicago Med
(new)

 

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