‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: TAKE A XANAX.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion, Part 3”
April 25, 2017

We pick up the final hour of this interminable reunion with the most shocking moment since Lisa Rinna threw that wine glass at Kim in Amsterdam: with Kim throwing the bunny back at Rinna. Rinna stomps off stage, Kim follows, and Rinna informs her that she SHALL NOT be speaking to her as Kim returning the bunny was “the most humiliating thing” that has ever happened to her in her life.

OK.

The two return to the set where they argue over which of them is “sicker” and Rinna pulls out her own prop: a button that yells “FUCK OFF,” which she presses frantically over and over again. Not going to lie: I need one of those in my life immediately.

Andy Cohen asks Kim about her intentions: did she mean to hurt Rinna or did she come to this little bit of theatric assholery intuitively? Kim explains that she had actually planned to swing by Rinna’s to return the bunny but then remembered she would be going to the reunion and decided to save herself a trip.

In response, Rinna somewhat bewilderingly accuses Kim of using her to stay on the show and provide a meal ticket, to which Kyle and Kim are like, “HEY, DUMMY, OUR DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN THE BACKBONE OF THIS SHOW FOR SEVEN YEARS NOW, SO BACK THE FUCK UP.”

Rinna then promises to never speak about Kim EVER AGAIN, while also lamenting what a martyr she is: she just takes all of the abuse and when she “speaks [her] truth,” she’s attacked for it.

Eileen, in an attempt to defend her friend, reminds Kyle of the time Kyle said that didn’t think Rinna could physically close her mouth, which 1. is very mean and 2. very hilarious. And Kyle’s like, I mean, I did say that and I still think it’s funny, so.

Andy Cohen then turns his attention back to Eden, asking her about her concerns that Kyle is Kim’s enabler, and Eden admits that she was just projecting her own problems onto their relationship. But then a viewer comes in with an assist, asking Kyle about that time in the first season when Kyle yelled at Kim that Mauricio had been helping her financially every month, treating her like a second wife. If that’s not enabling behavior, what is? Kyle mumbles a bunch of bullshit about how her definition of enabling is literally pouring alcohol down another person’s throat or something, I don’t know, it didn’t make any sense.

A viewer asks the VanderCouch about Kyle confronting Rinna in Mexico, and whether they thought Rinna’s “not remembering” saying Kim was near death was the best or worst acting they’ve ever seen. Vanderpump is like, “Yeah, that was a load of Vandercrap if I’ve ever heard it. I’m pretty sure I’d Vanderemember if I said someone was near death especially on camera.” Dorit decides to add her two doritos, complaining that Rinna “crucifies” everyone else for forgetting things but conveniently can’t remember her own bad behavior.

In response, Rinna very maturely announces that she is not speaking to Dorit, bye bye.

Another viewer asks Kyle if she thinks Rinna was lying about forgetting what she said, and Kyle taps into what I think is a more likely scenario: Rinna was surprised that Kyle had heard the story and her spontaneous amnesia was the only thing she could come up with to defend herself in the moment.

Then Eileen tries to be relevant by picking a fight with Dorit and Kim about game night, but, honestly, I care barely follow her point and I just don’t care. I don’t care! I. Don’t. Care.

We arrive at The Xanax Issue which ultimately boils down to two questions: 1. Was Rinna joking when she joked that she puts Xanax in her smoothies? and 2. Was Dorit an asshole for repeating the story as though Rinna weren’t joking?

Answer to #1: Yes, obviously.

Answer to #2: YES. OBVIOUSLY.

Rinna pulls out her pill bag along with a list of all the crazy she carries around with her every day to make The Rinna happen and it’s mostly 18 different forms of Advil (at least according to her). Great defense, Annalise Keating!

Meanwhile, Dorit tries to claim that she never accused Rinna of having a Xanax problem. She simply asked Eden if she thought Rinna’s behavior was “induced” and separately, she told everyone in Mexico that Rinna drinks Xanax smoothies every day all day. If they somehow conflated these two things, that’s not Dorit’s problem.

And then everyone screams at everyone else about ruining their careers with these drug allegations and Erika is all, “Me too with the panties!” But, I mean, come on. I love you, Erika, but give me a fucking break.

Andy Cohen tries to dismiss Kim and Eden, but before they can make their escape, Eileen decides, AGAIN, to try to make herself relevant by confronting Kim for being dismissive of her soap career, and saying that she and Rinna are more “dramatic” because of their soap experience. Rinna then promptly proves Kim’s point by storming off the set AGAIN while yelling for a Xanax.

Having shooed Eden and Kim away — hopefully forever — Andy Cohen introduces a montage designed to convince us that Lisa Vanderpump is a human person with human Vandermotions. NICE TRY, COHEN, BUT YOU CAN’T FOOL ME.

Some updates on Lisa’s boring Vanderstories:

  1. Her son Max has found his birth mother but has not made contact with her yet.
  2. China is still eating dogs.
  3. Lisa and Grandpa Ken’s dog adoption place which inexplicably was not named “VanderPets” has adopted out some dogs.
  4. Giggy is jealous of some other dumb purse dog Lisa has adopted.

Great.

Andy Cohen then asks Rinna questions about her daughters’ modeling careers, but, come on, who cares. They’re lovely girls, but let’s be honest here: they are no Gigi and Bella Hadid.

Andy Cohen then concludes the reunion by asking each of the women questions specific to them:

Rinna: Biggest regret?

Opening up too quickly to any asshole offering her a crystal.

Eileen: Anything to say to the haters?

She only ever has good intentions. Also, eat it.

Dorit: What would you change about the season?

She wouldn’t give Erika the panties.

Kyle: What makes this group of women unique?

Brandi isn’t among them.

Vanderpump: What would you do if someone wanted her “crown?”

Give it to them.

Erika: Any regrets?

And with that, Andy Cohen toasts the ladies with Xanax smoothies and while taking custody of the bunny now and forever. At least it finally has a forever home and someone to love it.

Alright, my little pink elephants, I’m off to try to catch up with this new season before the Winter Olympics ruin my life. I make no promises, darlings, but maybe with enough Xanax and coke, I can make it happen. Ta!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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