‘Supernatural’: Let me tell you why that’s bullshit

Supernatural
“There’s Something About Mary”
May 11, 2017

THEN: Racist ghost truck.  Dean’s daughter.  Annie Hawkins.  “Man’s Best Friend with Benefits.”  Rogue Reapers. A backdoor to Purgatory. Benny.  Human Cas LOL!consent.  Kevin.  Charlie.  Metatron.  Mind rape.

NOW:

Eileen Leahy is mauled to death by a hellhound controlled by Ketch, because writers Brad Buckner and Eugenie Ross-Leming can’t just kill her, they have to kill her with a monster she can neither hear nor see.  Also, let’s not forget that a civilian was able to fight off the HBIC hellhound not five episodes ago.  But a seasoned and competent hunter isn’t even given the courtesy of making a heroic stand.

That is some bullshit. Shoshannah Stern and Eileen Leahy deserved better.

And now if you will excuse me, I have to go and flip every table in BuckLeming’s houses.

Two worried sons try to track down their mother.  It’s been two days since Mary’s message.  Her motel room has been cleaned out.  Dean pulls back the shower curtain to the check the tub because BuckLeming are goddamned trolls.

Sam suggests Mary might be bunking with the Brits, but Dean says Mick has been radio silent (BECAUSE HE’S DEAD). He calls Ketch, who is a Richard and pretends he doesn’t know who Dean is just for funsies.

Sam gets the call from Jody about Eileen.  They make the drive to South Carolina where her body was found.  It apparently takes them a week?  What?  In the motel Sam says Eileen is the second hunter death they’ve heard about in as many weeks.  In the morgue he says the butcher’s bill is up to seven and it’s been three weeks.  It’s pretty well established that Baby is a freaking TARDIS.  That they can get to any point in the continental US in six hours.  So how has a week passed?

Sam says he wants to punch something in the face, because Eileen was sacrificed by BuckLeming for man angst.  Which again, is some bullshit.

I get that people die on Supernatural all the time.  Often multiple times.  You want to kill off some redshirts, fine.  That seems like it would be plenty of motivation for Sam and Dean to go after the BMoL. But if you’re going to kill a character who has so much potential, make sure her death has meaning.  Don’t just fucking fridge her!

One of those redshirts – wearing an actual red shirt – comes home from a hunt to find Mary waiting for him.  He drops a bloody machete into an umbrella stand as he comes in the door, which is a nice touch.  Anyhoo, she seems weirdly easy breezy and then she slits redshirt Rick’s throat.  So is this the shapeshifter from last week?  Is it working for the BMoL now?  DOES THAT MEAN EILEEN ISN’T REALLY DEAD AND THAT WAS A SHIFTER, TOO?

Mary startles awake from one bad dream into the nightmare that is this episode.  She’s in a sparse, overly bright cell at the BMoL compound.  Lady Cardboard comes in and her blah blah triggers a disjointed memory.  They’re brainwashing Mary.  Lady C calls it a realignment to return her to her pure killing state.

So that’s now two Winchesters that Lady Cardboard has mind raped.  I hate this storyline.

Crowley calls on Professor Umbridge to make sure that the hands-off arrangement they have in England will extend to America, because of course they have a deal.  And scene.

He returns to his palace and Lucifer and I DON’T CARE. Lucifer now has Crowley under his control and I DON’T CARE. He stabs Crowley with a gladius and I DON’T CARE because HE’S NOT DEAD. Crowley didn’t spark out, which means he slipped into that one shaggy haired demon the camera kept cutting to or the rat that just randomly sauntered up. Doesn’t matter which. I DON’T CARE.

Is this what Demian felt while he was recapping CANCELLED!’s final season? Is this what hate watching feels like? YOU HAD ONE JOB, ANDREW DABB. ONE JOB.

Back in Kansas, Sam and Dean stop at the post office to check their mail.  I’ve never really thought about the fact that home delivery might be a challenge for them.  I wish we got more of these little slices of their daily life.  It’s a grace note that adds depth to the show.

Sadly, this grace note exists only to keep twisting the knife of Eileen’s death.

Dean walks out to the car carrying a letter from her.  It’s postmarked four days before her death.  She wrote because she thought her phone and email had been hacked by the BMoL.  She tells them she found a microphone in her room.  Sam reads aloud the portion of the letter where she asks if she can bunk with them for a few days.  BuckLeming preface the request with, “Not to sound all girly.”

Not to sound.

All girly.

Do you smell burnt toast?  Because I think I might actually be having a rage aneurysm right now.

Because BuckLeming are using “girly” to equate weakness.  They are flat-out saying that being scared and asking for help from people who care about you is weak and something you should apologize for.  Which is beyond bullshit – it’s irresponsible.  And then to give those lines to JARED of all people to say?

Brad Buckner and Eugenie Ross-Leming don’t just have contempt for the fans of Supernatural, but for the actors as well.

The boys take Eileen’s warning to heart and go over every inch of the Bunker looking for bugs.  They do it by hand, because once again Show has forgotten that Frank ever existed.  Sam checks the bookshelves in the library.  He feels along the very top and leaves smudge marks in the fine layer of dust.  Which again is just a lovely grace note.  To me it makes the Bunker feel even more like their home.

Dean finally discovers the bug planted until the table.  It’s inches from the gun he also has hidden under there.  That just seems like poor placement and discovery waiting to happen.  Dean reaches for the device, but stops himself.  He waves at Sam to summon him over and points.  Dean improvises a trap, luring the BMoL to a fake meet with another hunter.

The boys lock the two BMoL grunts in the warehouse and snatch Lady Cardboard out of her car. And y’all, really. Two? Two guys to take out Sam and Dean? That’s just … insulting.

They arrive back at the Bunker after a pointless blah blah exposition scene and walk into a Ketch led ambush. This should be the point at which I start screaming in all caps about writing characters stupid and honestly CHANGE THE FUCKING LOCKS ALREADY but the most wonderful thing happens. The boys go Bourne all over the BMoL and it is glorious.

THOSE ARE MY WINCHESTERS. THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

I mean, Dean’s library slide of hotness is a thing of beauty. And in that moment, BOOM. We’re all pregnant.

The moment is short-lived. Mary comes up behind Sam, but she’s with the BMoL now. Dean tries to get through to her, but her reprogramming is complete. Jensen and Jared sell the hell out of this scene, but there’s only so much gold you can spin from straw. I don’t feel the emotional punch I should, because we haven’t spent enough time with Mary for me to really care.

I’m repeating myself, but it bears repeating – Mary’s sense of alienation and grief over what she lost is a profound thing that is worth exploring. But Show chose not to develop her relationship with Sam and Dean beyond the surface. She’s as much of a ghost now as she was when she was dead. Why did Andrew Dabb even bother to bring her back if all he planned to do was erase her? She deserves better than that as a character and we deserve better as viewers.

Ketch embraces his inner Bond villain and explains to the boys – and Lady Cardboard – that the Bunker will become their tomb. The BMoL have changed the locks – WELL AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO – shut off the water, and reversed the air pumps. The oxygen should run out in two days, maybe three.

Uh huh. Good luck with that.

And then this Cialis ad nonsense happens.  Call your doctor if your erection lasts for more than four hours.

Honestly, I thought this was Oz and Dean had already started hallucinating from lack of oxygen. But at least Mark Pellegrino finally gets to change clothes after 8 seasons. So that’s nice for him.

Y’all I don’t really know what more I can say about Brad Buckner and Eugenie Ross-Leming other than they are the actual, legitimate worst. Beyond just being bad, lazy writers they have zero respect for the show. They write like they’re slumming it so nothing matters. And it’s not like Bob Singer is going to tell his wife she sucks.

Sadly, none of this is new. This certainly isn’t the first time BuckLeming have thumbed their nose at representation and killed a character just for the LOLs. Although let’s be clear – Andrew Dabb signed off on this one. So BuckLemming may have killed Eileen, but Dabb put her in that forest.

I think it’s different this time because viewers are both angry at this episode and frustrated with this whole season. Which has been a slog. There’s no sense of purpose or momentum.  The story arcs were either deeply, deeply boring – Lucifer – or just simply didn’t work. Nothing about the British Men of Letters make sense. Their absolute, unwavering commitment to their mission may have been intended to call back to the angels of Seasons 4 and 5, but when humans behave that way they just come across as sociopaths.

The day this episode aired, NBC announced it was canceling Eric Kripke’s show Timeless after one season.  They’ve since reversed that decision (YAY! Timeless lives!) but for one brief moment I was seized with a hope that Kripke could be lured back to Supernatural to put everything right.

Picture it!  Season 13.  Episode 1.

Sam wakes up in the Bunker and hears running water.  He stumbles into the bathroom to find a very much alive Eileen in the shower.  He tells her he had the strangest dream …

Dean wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette.  He tells her had the strangest dream …

Mary wakes up in her room in the Bunker.  She spends the next ten episodes getting to know her sons – what their lives were like after she died and what their hopes and dreams are for the future.

Castle doesn’t wake up.  He doesn’t sleep.  But he tells Dean he had the strangest dream.

Jody wakes up next to Asa.  They make dinner together that night for Max, real (not zombie) Alicia, Claire, and Alex.  It feels like home.

Donna and new!Doug stop by with wine and pie.  Later they all play Cards Against Humanity.

Crowley realizes he was happiest when he was making deals and returns to the simple life of a crossroads demon.  The politics of Hell are never spoken of again.

Rowena moves to Boca with a rich man who genuinely cares for her.  She starts a coven at the country club and develops a devastating top spin on her backhand.

Lucifer is in his fucking cage and is never spoken of again.

Adam … is also still in the cage.

So, it’s not perfect, but with a few exceptions, it’s better than what we’ve gotten in Season 12. Although fair play, Andrew Dabb does still have two episodes left to pull up on the stick.

So what can we expect in the finale? Let’s Zapruder this shit!

• Someone gets summoned and someone is resurrected? BTS photos posted on twitter suggest the latter someone could be Crowley.
• Someone in the Bunker – Dean, based on the boots – has a skinned knee. He’s going to need all the Bactene.
• Dean is hooked up to some kind of EEG? Maybe to make a telepathic connection with Mary or Cas? He looks like he’s submitting to it willingly. @clusterjams on Twitter suggested that maybe this is how they get Mary back, by using Dean’s memories to fill in her gaps.
• A woman man wearing a wedding band holds a lock of red hair. The wedding band threw me off. Turns out it’s Lucifer (he has very delicate hands). That doesn’t seem like good news for Rowena.
• Something goes splodey. Dean is very sad. The best parts are when they cry.
• JODY! JODY IS IN A SCENE WITH SAM. So we know she survives for at least a little while.  If Jody dies in the finale I will go to the table store, flip all the tables in the table store, and then burn the store to the ground.
• Kelly is painting the nursery and appears to be naming the baby Jack. I’m going to keep calling him Evil Jesus.
• Cas kisses her on the forehead – as she goes into labor?
• In the quick cuts: Dean unrolls a blueprint – of the Bunker? Lady Cardboard turns on the EEG. There’s some kind of portally looking structure? The boys try to sledgehammer their way out of the Bunker. Is Baby in the garage? If so, two words: motherfucking grenade launcher. Meeting at the BMoL compound. Dean is in the Bunker looking bloody and worse for wear. Mary sends Ketch a message – “Lester’s down. Who’s next?” Ketch looks bloody and fucked up. Jody is holding a gun on someone – him? I hope it’s him. I don’t care who kills him, I just want him – and Lady Cardboard – to die already.

And then at the very end, Castiel looks up at a hooded figure who walks across the wasteland. “You?”

I’m calling it now. It’s Adam.

Supernatural airs Thursday at 8:00 p.m. (Eastern) on The CW.  Follow Whitney on twitter @Watcher_Whitney.