MONDAY
Bachelor in Paradise: A “hotly anticipated arrival” asks a “desperate bachelorette” out on a date. Throw in “tequila shots are downed” and this is a complete description of the entire series. 7 p.m., ABC
Running Wild with Bear Grylls: SHAQUILLE O’NEAL, YOU GUYS. 9 p.m., NBC
TUESDAY
America’s Got Talent: We’ve moved on to the semifinal rounds which is somehow different from all the other rounds, I don’t know. 7 p.m., NBC
Zoo: “Mitch and Jamie find themselves in the middle of an animal attack at the Russian Embassy in Washington, D.C.” Why am I not watching this show again? 8 p.m., CBS
WEDNESDAY
You’re the Worst: My most favorite meanest show on television! It’s back! Season premiere. 9 p.m., FXX
The Real Housewives of New York City: The reunions begin and I can’t wait to hear what The Countess has to say for herself. 8 p.m., Bravo
Bring it On: Oh, it’s already been broughten. 7 p.m., Freeform
THURSDAY
Preseason NF: Texans at Cowboys: Look, I don’t care about football but as a Texan, I am legally obligated to mention this. 7 p.m., ABC
From Dusk ’til Dawn: George Clooney’s best vampire movie. 8:15 p.m., BBC
FRIDAY
Narcos: Season two — and maybe the final season? Netflix
Chef’s Table: Thanks to the wonders of Facebook, I now know that a friend from high school is a producer on this food porn series. Season three. Netflix
SATURDAY
Backstabbed: A real estate agent might be a MURDERER in this new Lifetime movie. 7 p.m., Lifetime
Zodiac: This came in at #12 on the BBC’s recent list of greatest American movies of the 21st century. True fact! 7 p.m., FLIX
Zelig: As relevant as ever. 8:30 p.m., Epix Drive-In
SUNDAY
Sharknado Marathon: Well, it’s one way to spend your weekend. 2 p.m., Syfy
The Muppets: Please watch this delightful movie if you haven’t already seen it. 8 p.m., TBS
The Shining: Put on your dog costume, pour yourself a tall glass of whisky and sit down to one of the greatest horror films of all time. 8 p.m., Sundance