The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“An Inconvenient Truce”
October 2, 2011
Last we left these stronzi, Teresa and Kathy had gotten into a fight because Kathy made a passive aggressive comment about Teresa’s parenting. YES, SHE DID. Now, look. I am certainly not Squadra Teresa. She is clearly a sociopath with a rabid temper. That said, when the group was discussing Meatball and Teresa potentially opening a restaurant, and Kathy’s comment was that she couldn’t detach herself from her children to run a restaurant, it was a backhanded way of attacking Teresa’s parenting, let’s not kid ourselves. It probably didn’t have anything to do with her comments about the events at the Christening, but it wasn’t an innocent comment, either. So.
Meatball and Teresa remove themselves from the situation, and Jeff Goldblum, Jr. follows Meatball into the bathroom to try to clear the air. Women be crazy, amiright? Meatball, however, he doesn’t care. He told everyone, chiudi quella cazzo, and so he’s done with it, come on. Teresa then emerges in her evening bathing suit, an amazing gold lamé tankini number, because it’s dinner time, duh. The Meatballs chat with the Greg and the Manzo boys about the stupid fight, and Meatball makes some comparison to the disagreement to the people who suggested to him that he not buy his house (?). But you know what? Meatball said BING! and he bought that house anyway. TRUTH. Greg notes that this is exactly what happened when he rented his apartment: he said Bing! and signed the lease.
I ♥ Greg.
After briefly chatting with Kathy about the fight, and Kathy swearing she meant nothing by her comment, Jacqueline heads to the bar to chat with Teresa and try to convince her to give her cousin a hug and end the tension. This is received about as well as you’d expect, which is to say, not at all. Dinner is then served and everyone eats some Dominican stew while Teresa pretends nothing is wrong and Kathy stares butcher knives at her face.
Finally, Jeff Goldblum, Jr. and Kathy excuse themselves for the night, and the rest of the group heads to the bar to do shots and compare the Joes’ sizes: both height and cazzo. And finally, they’re getting literal up in here. Teresa, so moved at the sight of her husband and brother COMPARING THEIR PENISES, bursts into tears. And that, my friends, pretty much sums up this entire season. I think we can close up shop and go home because there is nothing left to say.
The next morning, the Manzo boys head into the Folletto’s villa to collect Folletto for their golf adventure, only to find Folletto harassing Melissa in the shower. And suddenly there is SO MUCH NAKED FOLLETTO ON MY TELEVISIONS.
Right, so, golf with the goombas. They are terrible. Folletto is constantly dropping his pants (please see above) and Meatball, in his FREAKING WIFEBEATER BECAUSE HE IS A WALKING STEREOTYPE ALWAYS hacks away at the ball, missing it each time. Look, I’d make a joke about the paisan and how they’re not so good with the golf, except my mother who is as insane and Italian as Teresa spends every possible conscious moment on the golf course, playing a pretty mean game of golf, so I’m going to lay off the stereotypes. For a change.
The women and Greg put on their stilettos and head to a food market so that Teresa can do some research for her new cookbook, which she envisions as an Italian/Italian fusion. WAIT, NO, a Latin/Italian fusion. Sure. But first! We have to take a bunch of pictures of Teresa in her wildly inappropriate dress because it’s important to document this moment.
Upon arrival at the market, the women scream repeatedly at the sight of raw chickens, cow heads and pig parts. None of which is more upsetting than all the Folletto parts we’ve been exposed to so far in this episode. While Melissa complains that she is “stepping on blood with my Guccis” (which needs to be the subtitle of her future memoir, p.s.), Teresa is busy harassing the locals about their spices and whether or not they have heard of her cookbook. They most decidedly have not.
That night, the group meets for dinner at a hibachi restaurant where the Manzo boys announce that they are in the middle of a Punta Princess pageant, and they are all participants. The women will be judged in three categories: style, creativity and intellect. Teresa and her stupid little fedora win for style, Kathy and her turquoise ring win for creativity (?) and all that’s left is intellect. If Melissa can answer the following question, she will take this category: who is the Vice President of the United States? And literally? LITERALLY? No one (with the exception of the Manzos) has any idea. After first answering Dick Cheney, Melissa announces it’s that white guy! With the grey hair! Which really narrows down the field. Finally, she comes up with Biden, but I think someone must have helped her. So they give her a second question: on which continent is Cairo located? UH, DUH, ANTARCTICA. Geniuses, all.
Teresa’s errant bag finally arrives just in time to be shoved on an airplane to head home. Yay! Says Greg. The vacation’s been saved!
I ♥ Greg.
And with that: vacation over.
Back in Jersey, the Manzo boys are doing last minute preparations for their big black water (nope, still not interested in drinking that, thanks) launch. Melissa arrives at the club where she will debut as the next Britney Spears, to take a look around and make sure there’s going to be enough space for her backup dancers and makeup kit and hair stylists and the two man-eating tigers Folletto is trying to rent. Because bringing two man-eating tigers into a small club in Manhattan is a very good idea.
Melissa then meets with the choreographer and backup dancers to practice. The choreographer is underwhelmed. As is her producer (and the Manzo boys and !!! Folletto) when she practices (and practices and practices) on the day of the big performance. Oh dear.
Party time! And everyone, even Potato Face, is there. Petulant, but there. Ashley explains to a friend that she wants to go to school, but her parents won’t pay for it. POUT. Jacqueline explains to Teresa that she is doing the best she can to avoid her daughter and another argument — she’s just going to stay away from that whole starchy mess. GOOD FOR YOU, JAC.
Melissa, with Folletto and Greg backstage, convinces herself that it’s really for the best that she get her start on a “low-end stage,” doing it “half-assed.” Because she expected her first performance to be where, exactly? Madison Square Garden? The MTV Video Awards? I do not understand. Greg frowns at her, and assures her that this is not a “half-assed” operation. And after Melissa gets on her pleathered knees to tearfully pray to her father and Jesus, it’s time to perform.
Clearly for production purposes, the editors of the episode used the tape, and not her live performance. If she performed live. We’ll never really know. In any event, I’m like Caroline: It’s impressive that she had the guts to get up there and perform — God knows I’d never do that. At the end of the performance, she’s given flowers and Melissa sobs about her father, SOME MORE.
After the performance, the entire cast stands in a back alley for some reason, where Meatball proposes a toast to Melissa, basically saying what I just did: hey, not too many people would do what she just did but she did it so, Cincin!
And as if Meatball’s sudden generosity wasn’t enough, Teresa later approaches Kathy and asks to speak to her alone — TO APOLOGIZE. Teresa misses their relationship, and she knows she overreacted, it’s just she’s a little sensitive about the issue of her parenting, and anyway, she’d like to be friends again. Kathy, clearly stunned, agrees, and notes that she thinks Teresa is a great mother. Meanwhile, Rosie, Kathy’s sister, watches everything from inside the club, unmoved. I’M WITH YOU, ROSIE. DO NOT TRUST THE MEATBALLS. THEY ARE CLEARLY UP TO SOMETHING.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.
This post first appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.