‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Just your average, everyday backyard barbecue

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“$25,000 Sunglasses”
October 3, 2011

Say what you will about the ladies of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills — that they are shallow, or bitchy, or filled to the point of bursting with silicone, or are vindictive, or have more money than sense — for the most part these ladies are not braggarts. Not exactly. Yes, they welcome the show into their ridiculous 30,000 square foot McMansions staffed with chefs and maids and suitcase maids, and they certainly don’t shield their fur coats and Bentleys and diamonds from the cameras. But they don’t go marching around loudly shrieking the prices of their possessions to anyone who would hold still long enough to listen. Even the Real Housewives of New Jersey aren’t that crass.

Meet Dana. We were briefly introduced to the busty Dana last week at Kyle’s fundraiser, but she was overshadowed by one perky-breasted giantess on crutches. Wanting more camera time to get to know Kyle better, Dana invites Kyle and Taylor over for some lunch and bragging. When Kyle and Taylor arrive (having braved a bepebbled driveway that is hell on heels), Dana is busy with her squad of stylists, trying on outrageously expensive jewelry and tiaras and boob-exposing dresses for her upcoming wedding. Taylor and Kyle retire to the dining room, grabbing a copy of Dana’s son’s headshot off the pile of them on the entryway table on the way, and wait while Dana puts her ample bosom into something more comfortable.

Dana’s chef (of course) prepares them some salmon avocado mango something-or-other, and Dana eventually materializes, tiaraless. She explains that her 18-month-old son (whose headshot she just leaves lying around the house in stacks of 50) is a model who can read and speak Thai. Yes, Thai. He also was potty trained at 2 weeks, began speaking in utero and can predict the future. And he knows calculus. Obviously, she just doesn’t know where she’s going to send Genius Baby to preschool because he will clearly be speaking college level Thai by then. A bemused Kyle mocks Dana to her face and is met with good humor. For once.

Taylor has been designated hostess to the new Housewives, apparently, and meets with the Former Mrs. Eddie Cibrian (who I am sure is not crying into her white wine over this recent news) for drinks. There, the two ladies bond over terrible marriages, therapy, lip implants and the stress diet. You know, Beverly Hills things.

Meanwhile, Kim is spending her days chasing her maid around her much-too-large house, terrorizing the poor woman with photos of her children. And drinking.

Lisa receives an offer to be a commentator on CNN to discuss the royal wedding. Because she’s British. This is literally her only qualification. Oh! She had dinner with the Duchess of York recently, too, but I hear that can be fetched for the right price.

On the day of the big CNN interview, Lisa has her son clip some Vanderxtentions into her hair before heading to the CNN studios where she shoos the hair and makeup people away. Because who Vanderneeds them when you’re this Vanderfabulous? In CNN’s hallways, Lisa runs into Dr. Drew, whose face she manages to not lick, but she clearly considers it. In her taped interview, Lisa notes that she’s heard Dr. Drew’s twitter is rather large. Have I mentioned how much I Vanderlove her? Because I Vanderdo.

The CNN interview itself is for that silly Showbizz Insider This Week show that never fails to irritate me when I see an intriguing link on cnn.com, only to click on it to find some video clip of this dum-dum show and their mannequin heads yelling entertainment headlines at me. Ugh, this show. Anyway, Lisa answers some innocuous questions about how Kate compares to Diana and the paparazzi and blah blah royal blah snore. Look, as I noted, I love Lisa, but you guys, her stories are SO CRAZY BORING THIS SEASON. I do not care about her expanding her restaurant! I do not care about her blathering some nonsense about a wedding that happened some 6 months ago! This was a long time ago and even then it was boring! I do not care about these things! Bring back Cedric! I miss Cedric! Yes, Cedric is a sociopath who gloms on to wealthy older women, we all know this, but at least he was Vandertaining.

More interesting (slightly, only slightly so), is the dinner that Kyle and Mauricio have with Lisa and Ken and Giggy. Kyle tells Lisa all about their new friend Dana, her abundance of boob and Genius Baby. Ken, trying to piece together of whom the ladies are speaking, blurts out, “THE CHUBBAY ONE?” Oh, Grandpa Ken. Yes, dear, but we don’t say such things, not on camera. Have some more smashed peas and go back to your nap.

Kyle brings up the Taylor issue, and explains to Lisa that when she makes such a Vanderpoint of telling Taylor that she is not her friend, Taylor’s feelings, they are hurt, and she’s less willing to listen to anything more Lisa might have to say, even if it is intended to be helpful. This is neither controversial nor wrong, but Lisa gets all Vanderfensive, arguing that she has no intention to masquerade as one of Taylor’s friends. Yes, fine, but there’s no need to go out of one’s way to point out that you don’t Vanderlike her, either.

Finally, the big event of the episode — because we always have to have a Big Event in every episode — La Maloof invites the ladies over for a “barbecue.” First, La Maloof has to invite everyone to the barbecue: this is not particularly interesting in and of itself, but it does happen while a minor subplot unfolds involving the vicious Jackpot crapping in Dr. Mr. La Maloof’s closet and biting Dr. Mr. La Maloof for good measure.

Onto the “barbecue.” And just so that we set the scene properly, let it be known that no one is outside grilling anything. Bernie the chef is inside preparing a pile of hot dogs and hamburgers and corn on the cob and heaven knows what else for the approximately 12 guests while lifeguards carefully watch the inflatable water slides, La Maloof barks at the dozens of servers to not use the good champagne flutes and bartenders mill about looking for something to do. So, this is not your common “barbecue” in the backyard sense of the word. JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR.

Everyone arrives, including these new women the producers are intent on shoving into this show, Brandi and Dana. Brandi hobbles in on her crutches (Which, having myself been on a pair of crutches for a good three months this past spring, I will not be throwing shade. AT LEAST NOT ABOUT THIS.), and announces that her ex-husband, the lead actor on the now very dead The Playboy Club (R.I.P., except who cares) is getting married this very weekend, like RIGHT NOW, to that two-bit hillbilly LeeAnn Rimes. Brandi and Camille immediately bond over their more famous husbands dumping them unceremoniously for other (younger, pinched-facier) women. Camille announces that Kesley is in town to direct a pilot, and the rest of the women make “what’s that smell” faces. Brandi announces that Camille MUST ABSOLUTELY UNQUESTIONABLY start dating RIGHT NOW. After all, they aren’t going to get any younger or hotter. 1. That’s the truth. 2. We could quibble about certain people’s current hotness, but instead we are going to refrain from being tacky.

And then Dana arrives. HEY YOU GUYS YOU KNOW WHAT DANA IS WEARING SHE IS WEARING SUNGLASSES WORTH $25,000 NO SERIOUSLY THEY ARE WORTH THAT MUCH MONEY WHICH COULD BUY YOU LIKE A PRETTY NICE NEW CAR BECAUSE THESE GLASSES THEY HAVE DIAMONDS AND PYTHON AND GOLD AND DIAMONDS AND SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS THEY ARE WORTH $25,000 WHICH IS SO MUCH MONEY I MEAN $25,000 IS LIKE A YEAR’S WORTH OF TUITION AT A PRIVATE COLLEGE WHERE GENIUS BABY COULD LEARN SOME MORE THAI OR THE ENTIRE YEAR’S SALARY OF A SUITCASE MAID BUT INSTEAD DANA DECIDED TO INVEST THAT MONEY IN A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES THAT SHE IS GOING TO LOSE IN HER CAR BECAUSE SHE CAN AND THEY ARE VERY FANCY YOU GUYS. SERIOUSLY. PYTHON.

Kyle chats with Dana and Brandi while their children splash about in the pool, until Brandi’s son — presumably, hopefully the 4-year-old, and not the 8-year-old — climbs out of the pool, takes off his shorts, and pees in the lawn. Kyle is scandalized by this, but I am not, because it just so happens Brandi’s son is named Folletto “Meatball” Cibrian.

Food is served, but Kim is nowhere to be found, prompting Kyle to call her wayward sister. Kim slurringly explains that her kids were unavailable and therefore thought it would be awkward to make an appearance. That, and she had a busy day of drinking and chasing the maid already down in her calendar, so.

Kyle worries over Taylor and whether or not she has eaten (for the record, it does not appear she ate anything, despite claiming she’s eaten a hot dog AND a hamburger, but that could just be some schmancy editing), and Brandi waves the issue away as Taylor being on the “divorce diet.” THE WHAT WHAT? Kyle shrieks. WHO’S GETTING DIVORCED? Kyle shrieks. Brandi awkwardly tries to back out of the situation, but come on. Who are we kidding?

Dana explains to the group that she is getting married a year from the upcoming June (i.e. some 8 months from right now) in a French castle because she’s a princess and can afford such ridiculousness AND BY THE WAY HAVE YOU SEEN HER $25,000 SUNGLASSES? DIAMONDS.

Dana then decides that she is going to introduce Camille to some men whom she can date, and then there’s a weird edit as Camille starts talking about, “big hands, big feet, big disappointment,” HAR HAR HAR, and Kyle, she does not get it. Brandi helps out by explaining that they are talking about, um, roosters. And Kyle grasps her pearls and orders La Maloof to fetch her smelling salts QUICKLY. She is a LADY and she has never heard such language! NEVER! My stars! (Fun fact: you can not search google images for the word “cock” while the safe search is set at “strict.” You learn something new every day. Sometimes somewhat painfully.)

Brandi tries to redeem herself by exclaiming that she is not a super-slut. Which isn’t what the ladies were thinking, but good to know, Brandi! We’ll just tuck that information away for later. The women roll their eyes at the newcomer, which makes her whine about them rolling her eyes at her, and eventually someone decides to change the topic at hand by asking Dana about her fiance and his whereabouts. Dana explains that he’s an investment banker, so he goes away for long periods of time doing God knows what. Brandi, trying to be funny, notes that he is visiting his ladyfriends all over the country and WOW, JUST, WHY DON’T YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH FOR A FEW MINUTES, CLOMPY? Dana gets all defensive and upset and explains that ACTUALLY, her fiance is visiting his SON in BOSTON and his DYING MOTHER in NEW YORK, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

And that’s when my DVR stopped taping because it is temperamental and awful. I tried to tape the episode again, and I thought I added an extra five minutes to the recording, but then the second recording ended at the EXACT SAME SPOT so I don’t know how this all resolved itself, not that I actually care all that much to be honest. Oh well.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.

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