‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Life’s an Italian beach.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
September 25, 2011
“Get to the Punta”

On the heels of Gabagool singing a baleful version of “9 to 5” at her sister’s birthday party, it’s time for the grown-ups to pack up the suitcases and go to Punta Cana for a sunny vacation with amici and famiglia. What could possibly be more relaxing?

Melissa packs her collection of fringed G-stringed bathing suits. (While off-screen her daughter screams in horror: “OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?” Oh, little Stugats, oh honey. It’s only going to get a lot, lot worse. You’ve still got a good 11, 12 years of having to live with this nonsense, and I suspect the those years won’t be kind.) Folletto occupies himself by smelling his wife’s mutandine. Because he is so very gross.

Teresa packs 10,000 bathing suits, because SHE HAS TO LOOK THE BEST AND SHE WILL LOOK THE BEST NOT THAT SHE’S IN COMPETITION WITH ANYONE WHY WOULD YOU SUGGEST THAT?

Lauren checks on her mother’s packing progress, and admits that she’s packing a bunch of hairbrushes (?) and sparkly jewelry, which Caroline reminds her will attract sharks. Which is something I’d never heard before! I actually learned something on The Real Houswives of New Jersey! Go figure!

Jacqueline packs a bathing suit she has no intention of wearing on account of being insecure around Melissa and Teresa in their slutty-bathing-suit-off. Also, Potato Face will not be joining them on this adventure because she did not get her passport. Because that’s how Potato rolls.

Kathy also packs a suitcase but she is very boring about it.

There’s a traveling montage which is alternately boring and horrifying, what with the Oh look! We’re in an airplane! mixed with all the talk about all the sex they’re going to have on this vacation. I’m unclear on how this is any different from any other Thursday, especially in il Folletto casa, but sure, gross, fine.

Upon arrival, the Manzo boys joke about how much the airport looks like Jurassic Park, and how Jeff Goldblum, Jr. must be getting nervous. YES. MOAR MANZOS.

Speaking of Manzos, Caroline is wearing a “Keep Calm and Carry On” t-shirt, which, you are a genius, Caroline Manzo. You should consider buying those t-shirts in Meatball sizes and giving them out as gifts.

In other, more tragic news, the airline loses Teresa’s jewelry suitcase. LIGHT A CANDLE, YOU GUYS.

Driving to the resort, driving to the resort, driving to the resort. Somewhere along the drive, Meatball asks the driver to pull over so he can pee, because there’s no way he’s going to make it all the way to the resort some 20 kilometers away. But Meatball is not the only one with a teeny bladder; the other men, with the exception of Folletto and Albert, all hop out of their Escalades and urinate in a field near the road because: class. They has it.

Finally, they arrive at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino where they have three villas waiting for them: one for the Manzo kids and Greg, one for the Follettos and the Goldblum Jrs., and one for the Manzos, the Lauritas and the Meatballs. Because there is no good reason to throw the Meatballs into a villa with their family. That’s just a bad idea all the way around, everyone agrees.

Everyone reminisces about the previous times the Meatballs and the Follettos spent time in Punta Cana, which only makes Meatball begin threatening to beat up Folletto se necessario. Would it upset Teresa and her famiglia? Sure. Naturalmente. So what, who cares?

The next morning, the group has plans to go on a boat ride, so naturally, Teresa has to decide which sequined bathing suit to wear: the gold lamé sequined bikini? the green sequined bikini? the blue sequined bikini? or the blue sequined tankini? THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT DECISION! Caroline, who is nearly flat on her back with a migraine — and, seriously, it’s taken this long for Caroline to have a migraine? these people give me a migraine every week and I don’t live with them — she CAN NOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE, and yells at Teresa to wear the green one, SO WHAT, WHO CARES? Greg, who is intent on stirring up some trouble, makes noises about how excited he is to see what Melissa is wearing because you know she’s going to bring it. And then, finally, Teresa, despite the consensus being that the green sequins is the way to go, decides on the gold lamé and stripper heels and totters out the door with everyone else, leaving Caroline to her misery/sweet, sweet relief.

Meanwhile, Folletto and Jeff Goldblum receive massages in their villa and there is WAY TOO MUCH discussion of Folletto’s culo and arousal levels. BASTA.

Before getting on the boat, Teresa and Melissa have to pose for a bunch of sexytime photos, sure. The competition between the two for title of Punta Princess continues on the boat where they have a dance-off that fortunately does not end with anyone’s pants off. With this group, this is not guaranteed.

The group loosens up by playing some sort of drinking game involving one of those robot insects my kids collect, and before you know it, Folletto and Meatball are in the water having a friendly game of chicken and everyone is migliori amici again. I do not want to discuss Folletto’s bathing suit exposing his culo, please and thank you.

They arrive at their dinner location, where half of the group heads to los baños. Folletto, sensing a romantic opportunity, bullies Melissa into having sex with him in a stall, whilst Jacqueline and Chris are at the sink and the Manzo kids + Greg spy on them from a window. JUST SO MANY LAYERS OF GROSS AND INAPPROPRIATE. NO SIR. JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Meanwhile, on the beach, Albert and Jeff Goldblum, Jr. discuss Meatball’s big restaurant plans. Jeff Goldblum, Jr. mentions that he was persuaded by Albert that a restaurant would be a lot more work than he and Kathy wanted at this point in their lives, and Meatball responds by attacking the banquet hall business. While Albert calmly talks real numbers and facts, Meatball and Teresa become increasingly defensive of their golden plan to open a restaurant that would serve Teresa’s cookbook recipes. Who wouldn’t want that? COME ON.

And that’s when Kathy arrives.

Kathy notes that she decided she didn’t want a restaurant because she didn’t want to be detached from her children, which, of course, Teresa takes as an attack on her mothering. Logicamente. This leads to yet another shrieking fight wherein Teresa reveals she is still bitter at Kathy for suggesting she abandoned Baccala at the Christening. IT WAS A FAMILGIA GATHERING! HOW DARE KATHY SAY SHE ABANDON HER CHILD?! TERESA’S MOTHER WAS AROUND SOMEWHERE. MAYBE. SHE THINKS. Kathy insists she wasn’t talking about Teresa, but Teresa isn’t having it, and eventually someone asks Meatball to intervene. Because he’s the calm rational one. Meatball steps in and yells at everyone to SHUT UP! before dragging the gold laméd Teresa off to los baños.

While everyone assures Kathy that she’s not wrong and has nothing to apologize for, Albie notes that somewhere a few yards away, the exact same conversation is being held between Teresa and Meatball. (To which Greg adds, “Except having it in third grade words.” Can we just give Big Gay Greg his own show now, please? PLEASE?) And Teresa and Meatball fume over how they don’t have anything to prove to Kathy, what does she know?

WHAT DOES SHE KNOW?

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs on Bravo.

This post first appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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