‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Meet your replacements, ladies

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Gossip Girls”
September 26, 2011

Last we left them, La Maloof and Dr. Mr. La Maloof were waiting for an ALLEGEDLY intoxicated Kim to join them on a private plane to catch the last Kings game in Sacramento, and I had little to no faith that Kim and her wet ponytail were going to manage to make it. On account of her being drunk. Very very drunk. ALLEGEDLY. But color me wrong, because Kim manages to wobble her way onto the plane shortly before they need to depart. Once on board, ALLEGEDLY drunk Kim blames her tardiness on a block-wide power outage. Which, good enough excuse, I suppose! Except, she then follows it by saying that she went to a neighbor’s house to get dressed, which, what? If the power went out to the entire block, then how did your neighbor have … You know what? Never mind. I don’t care. The important thing is Kim is here now, glassy-eyed and rolling around on the floor of the private plane whilst pretending to be Lisa and her Vanderpoodle hat and that’s all that really matters.

Once in Sacramento, La Maloof attempts to warn the ALLEGEDLY schnockered Kim about the angry fan situation, but Kim is too busy doing her impersonation of the older sister in Sixteen Candles to be able to follow the conversation. ALLEGEDLY. As the group drives through Sacramento, they pause at a mural begging the Maloofs to not move the Kings. A Sad Maloof gently dabs at the delicate tear forming in the corner of her eye as she considers the thousands of jobs that she is about to destroy and all the fans whose hearts she is about to break. It is all very emotional for La Maloof, this dream-destroying business. We should all take a moment and feel very very sorry for her.

As La Maloof and entourage arrive at the arena, they are greeted by some upset, but not terribly violent fans who have gone so far as to make signs! And think up chants! THIS IS A DANGEROUS SITUATION, EVERYONE. Somehow, thanks to the precision timing of her security team, La Maloof, et al, are able to make it to their luxury box safely. WHEW.

La Maloof and Dr. Mr. La Maloof attempt to watch the game as Kim ALLEGEDLY drunkenly chitters in the corner about nothing in particular. This annoys Dr. Mr. La Maloof, and for one brief flickering moment, I almost felt sorry for him. But then I remembered he is in a luxury box at his wife’s basketball team’s game. HARDSHIPS, YO.

La Maloof decides that being in the suite isn’t garnering nearly as much of a reaction from the fans as she clearly had hoped, and so she ventures down into the tunnels near the floor, “to be closer to the fans,” or something. There are some mild boos, and an elderly man half-heartedly clanking a cowbell, but other than that, nothing much happens. But before they leave, La Maloof stops and demonstrates her generosity by talking with some of the little people: the Kings’ dancers, the food court cashiers, the security guys. She shakes their hands and takes pictures with them and tells them she’s really sorry about their soon-to-be defunct jobs, but she and her brothers need to generate more revenue. Nothing personal! Go Kings!

In other, less interesting stories; Camille will be returning to Hawaii for spring break, this time sans that disgusting old greaseball who leered at her boobs last year. Hope you enjoyed the Camille portion of this episode because it has now concluded.

Lisa’s boring storyline about buying the space next door to her restaurant continues to be boring. Not even a couple cute kids can make this Vanderesting.

And onto Kyle: she’s hosting a fundraiser for some kids’ cancer organization. Good for her. LOOK. I don’t want to be flip about kids or cancer or kids with cancer. These are things that we shouldn’t be flip about! Nor should we be flip about do-gooding and fund-raising in general. Someone has to do it, right? I suppose it’s just the cynic in me that has a hard time mustering much sympathy for a woman who is “stressed” by planning a big party for her fancy friends with the help of professional party planners and “ladysitters” WHATEVER THOSE ARE, especially while the rest of us spend our days shuttling kids to school and soccer practice and doing homework and cleaning the house and buying groceries which we then cook ourselves and paying bills and going to work even if that work is basically watching a bunch of reality shows and then trying to make the ha-has about them later. AND IN CONCLUSION: It would seem I have lost all of my sympathy. I didn’t have much to begin with, but now it is all gone. It somehow snuck its way into Taylor’s disappearing makeup bag last week, and I fear we’ll never see it again.

In the midst of all her party planning, Kyle is visited by Taylor who is outraged by a tabloid article detailing her recent marital problems, weight loss, and crazypants behavior. Since Taylor’s entire staff has signed confidentiality agreements, because who doesn’t make their STAFF sign CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENTS?, she knows that it couldn’t have been the nanny or housekeeper or ladysitter or suitcase packer who sold the story. Therefore, it could have only been one person: Lisa Vandergossip, obvs. Kyle, flabbergasted by everything — the story, Russell’s fury, the confidentiality agreements, the whole business — she suggests that Taylor ask her friend Elliot Mintz at the fundraiser who he thinks might have been the leak. I’m not entirely sure why. Did he write the story? Does he work at The OK! Enquirer? What does he have to do with anything? Did he win a speaking role on the show at an auction or something?

Before the fundraiser, Kyle flaps her hands around and shrieks at the party planners about flowers. She helpfully explains that Camille won’t be attending on account of being in Hawaii not being ogled by creepy old men (well, at least not that one particular creepy old man); and Kim won’t be attending on being too exhausted from her recent trip to Sacramento. Well, sure. Who doesn’t need a little R&R after riding on a private jet to go sit in a luxury suite at a basketball game? PTSD, Kim haz it.

Lisa and Ken are Vanderprompt to the event and immediately become Vanderbitchy about the setting, which they describe as being a “godforsaken place in the back of a mall.” HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH I VANDERLOVE THESE TWO? Because I totally do. Oh, how I do.

Taylor arrives with a bunch of people, none of whom are Russell, whom Bravo is doing their damndest to avoid at all costs. And I didn’t think that we had to pay much attention to Taylor’s entourage, except that one of these women, Dana Someoneorother, has a portrait on Bravo’s media site, so I guess we’re supposed to care about her.

Who are you and why should I care? (Bravo)

I don’t care about her.

As soon as Taylor walks into the place, Lisa pounces on her insisting that Taylor needs to eat a Vanderwich. Taylor merely narrows her eyes, because she doesn’t have enough energy to do much else.

Kyle thanks everyone for coming, Mauricio was born with a cancerous blood disease, they raise $15,000, blah blah blah.

Lisa, meanwhile, continues to press Taylor about her weight issues and suggests that while they aren’t best Vanderpals, Taylor is always welcome in Lisa’s home. Taylor simply tightens her mouth because the caloric expenditure to actually say something in response is far too high.

The Former Mrs. Eddie Cibrian. (Bravo)

While everyone gets their dance on (except Taylor, obviously), in walks La Maloofs with their hobbled friend Brandi “I Used to be Married to Eddie Cibrian Whom You’ve Only Heard of Because He Left Me and My Seven-Foot Long Legs for LeeAnn Rimes, Yes, That LeeAnn Rimes, No, I Don’t Know What He Was Thinking, Either” Glanville. Brandi, who is rolled into an Ace bandage and nothing more, is clomping around on a pair of the world’s tallest crutches, having crushed her foot in a tragic stiletto incident some time before.

And it takes exactly 0.0002 seconds for Brandi to stomp in before the ladies are puffing up and making that dangerous low growl in the back of their throats. It would seem Brandi “I Can’t Find an Outfit That Covers the Top of My Breasts” Glanville is friends with Cedric, Lisa’s former Vanderplaymate, and this can not Vanderstand. While Lisa Vanderglares in Brandi’s general direction, Taylor meets the new girl, and invites her to her daughter’s birthday party. (The theme this year will be Mad Hatter’s Teaparty: teams will go on a makeup bag hunt and no food will be served.)

Lisa eventually confronts Brandi “Ask Me About My Nipples!” Glanville about her relationship with Cedric, which Brandi tries to explain away as being an old friendship from their modeling days and anyway, So what? Who cares?


However, Dr. Mr. La Maloof has another theory: Lisa and the other ladies are threatened by a younger, prettier, more scantily-clad woman. This is simultaneously true and not true at all. PARADOX. And, look, I am Team Vanderfabulous, but let’s be honest: Kyle and the other witches are not in the corner loudly and cruelly cackling at Brandi “I Can Touch the Ceiling With My Nose, Here, Watch” Glanville  because of her relationship with Cedric. They are mocking her because her legs end at her chin and her boobs are perky and exposed and she’s a gigantic, literally gigantic, threat to all of them.

Finally, Taylor meets with Kyle’s friend, media Oompa-Loompa Elliot Mintz, to help her figure out who leaked her information to the press. He advises Taylor to go to the head of the rattlesnake, not the tail, and just ask her if she is the source. The important thing Taylor needs to do is listen to her tone of voice when she says, “I knew nothing about Watergate,” or “I did not have sexual relations with that intern.” And with a wee sip of wine, Mintz concludes, “Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do, I have a perfect puzzle for you, Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee, If you are wise, you’ll listen to me.” Taylor, she has no idea what he is talking about because she is very, very dumb.

UPDATED BECAUSE I SOMEHOW FORGOT: Look! It’s Lisa in the videos for “The Look of Love” and “Poison Arrow!”


Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.

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