Olympics: Technical difficulties, please stand by.

So I took the night off last night. Missed ShawnJohn’s Olympic gold, missed my little lucky leprechaun Horton’s silver moment. Apparently missed a bunch of cute, nearly naked boys doing the diving thang.

GAH. So mad at Bobby for taking all the good nights…


Platform diving FREAKS ME OUT. So terrified that someone’s going to bonk their head on the platform. In fact, only four years ago, American diver Haley Ishimatsu apparently had the good sense to be frightened of the platform, and to refuse to go off it. But then someone brainwashed her or drugged her or maybe replaced her with a cyborg, because here she is, hurling herself off a three-story-tall platform. Fool.

Lara Wilkerson tells some inspiring story about Mary Lou Retton, broken foot, Athens games, coming back from behind, blah blah blah…INSPIRATION! Question: why does everyone name check Mary Lou? Mary Lou = Olympic Dreams!

Also, the announcers? Totally obsessed with the audience using their flashes while taking pictures of the divers. The Americans manage to advance in this semifinal round. Yay.

Hey! Track and field! Some people run.

Howie Mandell can promise me that someone is going to win a million dollars on his stupid show all he wants, doesn’t mean I’m going to watch.

So, now that all he gymnastics’ medals have been distributed (and, if you were wondering, YES, I’M STILL ANGRY) now we have something called the “Gymnastics Gala,” which is apparently kinda like a summer camp talent show–a way to fill the time until we can all go home.

Oh! With the wacky! The Chinese gymnast pretends the pommel horse is a horse! Get it? GET IT?!

But? The best part? Is when the announcers 1. explain the joke and 2. go on to say that they didn’t realize that the miming slapping a horse on its hind quarters translates into Chinese. HEY. ANNOUNCERS. GUESS WHAT? Horses have been domesticated in Asia since around at least 2000 B.C., so SHUT IT WITH THE STUPIDITY ALREADY, AND QUIT MAKING ME SHOUTY.

Ugh. It’s going to be a long night, folks.

Our Butter Queen, ShawnJohn, does her gold-worthy balance beam routine which simply lacks the excitement when it doesn’t actually count. But, you know, YAY, SHAWNJOHN.

OK, so then? I’m watching Nastia? Dance around the beam? WHEN MY PUPPY JUMPS ON THE REMOTE AND CHANGES THE CHANNEL. Now, this? Wouldn’t be a big deal if A. I were watching it live or B. I was taping this, but HA HA, guess what? I’m not.

So, suddenly we’re watching more women’s diving. And all I can wonder is what I missed in the Gymnastics Talent Show (more skits? costumes? a singing routine?), and whether or not I missed Mary Carillo’s nightly “Hey! China is a different country! They do things differently here!” piece. (Did I? I did, didn’t I. Dang. What was it about? Rice? It was about rice, right?)

Hey! More diving!

And just as I’m about to settle into a long boring night of women’s volleyball, the TiFaux acts up: apparently I am recording both Project Runway and Ghost Hunters International (don’t judge me) and have no time for Olympics. Some readjustments and here are our bikinied girls struggling against the Chinese in the pouring rain. It’s a tight match, but our girls Misty May and Kerri win the gold, and despite Mr. T’s expressed hopes, do not rip off their tops in victory, a la Brandi Chastain.

OH NOES! And finally they interview the poor diver Haley Ishimatsu? The one who was originally terrified of the terrifying platform? She doesn’t make it to the finals, and they interview the poor thing and shove cameras in her face and she’s crying and NOW I’M CRYING and HEY! NBC! LEAVE HER ALONE. Dang. All that business of getting over her fear of the platform for a whole lot of nothing. Poor girl. Haley and I need a hug.

But WAIT! THEN? They have this piece about the South African Open Water women’s swimmer? The one MISSING A LEG? AND I’M CRYING?!

BUT WAIT! NBC finishes with the story of the German weightlifter who managed to lift 568 lbs to win the gold. But then? The German ? During the medal ceremony, held up the picture of his wife who died in a car accident last year.

Well, that’s just about enough, NBC. I’m experiencing technical difficulties and must go to bed. And cry myself to sleep. Thanks and goodnight.

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